Advice About My Daughter!

I do have to agree with the people who said to be stronger with the discipline... Taking things away seems to work for my 10 year old. In addition to that, it sounds like she may need some private time with you. She is at a stage in life where she sees and hears a lot of things from other children (who may have older siblings) and is in the "limbo" stage of wanting to become a tween (a bit early but I see it in my daughters friends a lot!)but still needing to be a child and do childish things.
Setting aside a day to do something just the two of you might be a start to help calm her down and get her talking about why she feels the need to act out (same with the 4 yr old but on a different level).
We all need to reconnect periodically with the ones we love and it sounds like you are her sole support while her father is overseas. Hope this helps!

Personally, I suggest seeing a child or family therapist. I know in some cases its not possible, but counselors are wonderful things that can really help a lot. Even people without problems benefit from counseling. I know most people don't like to hear that, but I'm a little versed on psychology myself, and sometimes a stranger can enact change that a mom cannot.

I have had trouble with my daughter, who is a little older, but doing the same things. I have to just stand my ground and take things away from her. When I gave an inch, she'd take a mile. Talking to her helps sometimes, but she has moods where talking just doesn't get it. I have had days where I felt half nutty from dealing with her. I don't know if its age related mood swings, or from being spoiled, but that's what I go through, and this is how I have to deal with it.K.

I say give her a choice, everyone is allowed a choice, tell her to to whatever it is you what her to do she gives you a hard time about it, tell her well its either that or you get gameboy taken away or something else she wants to do or likes to do. I think alot of kids dont get bothered if they get punished, (I know it never bothered me when I was a kid) so a friend of mine gives his sons choices he dont punish them and he also teaches them lessons. (example) his oldes son had a few friends over and told him to clean up the mess when they make it cleaning up cups, bowls whatever they used before he went to bed, well his dad got up the next day and there was a mess, well he just took everything and dumped it on his bed, needless to say he never did that anymore, and another example, he told his son to take the trash out well he forgot his son was in sleeping and his dad took the trash put it in his car and shut the doors and windows, it was a 90degree day well major oder im sure, he never forgot to take the trash out ever again.

Hope that helps
Goodluck
G.

If you are close to any military installation see if you can get your daughter into a support group. There is a lot out there. Also look into Operation ____@____.com That is a FREE week long summer camp for children with a deployed parent. Registration ends 1 May so don't postpone it. There is a lot of help you can get from the military so I would use that. My son was going crazy on me back when he was 3. He spent about 5 mins with a counselor who asked him how he felt about his dad going back to Korea. He said I sent him away and wouldn't let him come back. That was when I learned my lesson about letting the kids get support everytime dad is away. Ask her Dad if you have to, it will help your daughter

This is in response to your posts. I have a 8 year old step son who was really awful with yelling and throwing things. I went to a counselor and was told about an amazing program called 123 magic. OMg I was so suprised how awesomely and quickly this program worked. To make short the program consists on explaining the new program to them and telling them that the first time they mess up you are going to say ok that is one. Then the second time that is two and so on then let them know that on the third one if they do not respond and stop the behaviour then they are to go to time out. It worked wonders on my step son and also my 10 year old who has ADHD. I hope this helps at all.I also wanted to let you know that she needs to know that no matter how upset she is for what reason that there is no excuse for the blatant behaviour she has displayed. Children show emotions and sadness in different mesures but as soon as you put your foot down and she knows she is not going to get by with this behaviour then maybe she will start communicating better. Good luck.

I am also a single mom and I know often times I don't have enough hours in the day it seems, is she maybe needing a little extra attention. Take a night out to have a family game night, I know my son begins acting up when we have been really busy and I don't give him quite enough attention. Just the little things can add up and help a little. Also I agree with the others that you have to follow through with the rules. Possibly make a chore list and so she knows exactly what she is expected to do and will know the exact consequences if she doesn't follow through on her part.
The one thing I hate is I tend to suffer as well when he is grounded from his friends house or something cause then he is bugging me about how bored he is, I just keep telling him well, then you should remember that the next time you decide not to you what you are told. (doesn't always help though.) Good luck.

Try time-outs and work with your daycare on a resolution. After all, if you work full-time, then she is at a daycare or school program. If you continue to give in to her tantrums, then she will only get worse and, as you have seen, she will set a bad example.

She can know you love her without getting her way all of the time. If she has a telephone, gaming system, and other toys, then you do have the option of reward. These items are a privelege not a right. You need to feed, cloth, and nurture. Nowhere is there a law about being required to furnish gameboys or telephones.

Consistency will go a long way and show your ability to take charge of the situation.

I am going to be up front and honest with you and not so polite. You need to get some backbone and stand up to your daughter. You are letting her bully you. You are supposed to be the parent and say what goes... not her. It is hard enough being a single mother so I know you have strength. Reach in there and pull your backbone on straight and tell her that you don't appreciate the way she's been treating you and tell her that you are not going to put up with it anymore. Take away her privelidges, no matter how much she yells and screams. If she gets to cussing you, ground her and stick to it. No friends for a week for each cuss word or mean thing she throws at you; ect. You need to establish your Alpha position in that household. If you don't, all of your daughters will turn against you. And some good ol' fashion spankings wouldn't hurt either. If I would have treated my mother like that, the penalties would have been much much worse. I learned respect through these methods and I know that if I can learn it, your duaghter can learn it too. Good luck to you and God Bless.

I have a 5 grader too and I think it is preteen hormones. She started doing some of the same thing. I took Love and Logic and I highly recommend that if you can take this class. I got very silly and sarcastic with my daughter saying and doing some crazy things. Stick to your guns when you ground her. My daughter even tried shop lifting last year and I took her by the secure youth juvinial detention facility and said this is where they will take you if you do this again. Don't let her talk to you that way and nip it in the bud when she says no. Say no right back and tell her NOW. Shut off the television for days at a time and it will help your whole family. Spend time with your kids reading, playing games whatever. When she yells at her sisters let her know she doesn't have that right. Your the mother and that is only your job. Sisters are to be friends not parents. If you can tell her father and have him back you up that he does not like her behavior. If he can call and talk to her. Be honest with her and let her know how it makes you feel and ask her how she is feeling (if she knows).

Hope this works,

C.

Oh sweetie, I wished I could tell you this is a phase, and will pass with time. But My 14 year old was the same way, and still is. I was told to sit down and try to talk to her, until I get through to her, to see if we could figure out the real reason she is upset. Because this is the only way she's found to express her anger, that she can get away with. My daughter, isn't as bad anymore, but she has her moments. I really hope this helps you both, come to terms with what is bothering her. Big Hugs, S.

I have an 11 year old son and we are going through the same things with him. I am married. It does get really tough, but you got to stick to you ground. I know it's easier said than done. I think it is their age just a stage, but you need to let her know it is not exceptable to be disrepectfull to you and you will not tolerate it. I also have a four year old son and he also tries to take of the same trait. At the age of 10-13 their bodies are starting to change and you want them to be more responsible and I think its hard on them. I just tell my son to be open with me if anything is bothering him and not to take it out on everyone else. You may need to pay some extra attension to her. Spend some quality one on one time with her. She may just be trying to get you attention or feels jeolous that she may not getting the attension that she needs.
I hope this help. and Hang in their, it's got to get better right.
S.

My fist advice is get a copy of Love and Logic and read it on your lunch hour. Author's name is Cline. My second advice is KidsPark takes kids until they are twelve. I'd drop her off there when it gets to be too much and you need a break.

Hi C., I am a mother of 3 grown kids and 2 g-kids.I learned from experience, you have to follow through with whatever you have decided punishment will be. if not, she is manipulating you which will only make matters worse for you. You need to be firm, and when she is ready to comply with the rules of the house, then let her enjoy her activities.

That sounds just like my oldest, who is now 12, he started the whole mouthing off attitude around 10 as well. And my daughter, just turned 10, is starting to act the same way. I do think it is a stage. I tried the grounding thing and found that it works best with my kids to just ground them for the day. It seemed once they lost everything long term, they had nothing to lose so they didnt care if they continued the behavior during that time period. With them only losing it a day, they have the opportunity to correct their behavior as well as the opportunity to lose priveledges again if they don't.
Hugs and I hope things pan out for you.

it's time for a house meeting. "From now on no one, including you is allowed to yell. I will, and Later are no longer acceptable answers and who ever utters the words will be scrubbing the kitchen cabinets for half an hour per word. This goes for words spoken louder than a normal voice, cuss word, and sassing. No exceptions." If this doesn't work then it's time to step back into taking things away everytime. Starting with the most prized possession. To get them back she has to be good for a hour per year of age.

You can post the house rules some where.

It may be a phase but I'm betting that you aren't willing to chance worse behavior. You need to assert that you are the one in charge before you have all 3 treating you this way.

check out this site for hints on why she acts this way: http://lifematters.com/step.asp

My children are a lot younger than your daughter, but my husband's dad has been having similar problems with his step-sons. Here's what I would suggest: put her in Momma Boot Camp. Take away the fun items. Put her on a strict schedule... get her up early in the morning, have her do some exercises, give her chores. After she gets home from school, use another strict schedule... homework, help with housework, help fix dinner, do some more exercise, and have her go to bed earlier than normal. I know this will be hard, but you have to stop the cycle and when you think about it, you have to stop the cycle with your 4 year old now. If you don't, you'll never have peace.
I know that most 10 year olds do not like to open up with their parents, but that may be an issue to address as well. There may be something that is really bothering her and causing her to act out. She's only 10 and not even close to being grown up yet, but she may be facing some very grown up issues... especially with her father being where he is. Sometimes, it works best to have her talk to someone else, even a stranger. Kids will open up to others better than their parents.
I hope this helps some. I know it's a difficult situation, but you can all get through it and still be a loving family.

D. B

This is in response to your update. I haven't been in your situation, but does she write letters to her dad? Maybe having her write him letters once a week or so, just to let her feel like she's still connected to him and she can kind of vent to him and release some frustration that way. This may help, especially if he can write her back, not only could it be a realease for her but she would have something to look forward to. Also, maybe she could send him care packages once in a while, draw him some pictures, make him a batch of cookies, so she feels like she is doing something to keep in touch. If she's ten, I would think she'd be old enough, I started baking when I was 7 or 8. Also, you really need to just be firm with her, no matter how hard it is. I'm not saying don't be sympathetic, but if she is throwing a fit about something, you MUST NOT give in to her. Even if you change your mind and decide it isn't that big of a deal, you have to stick with it. If she is not having a fit and you want to change your mind that's okay, but if she is having a tantrum and then you say okay that just sends the message that throwing a tantrum gets her what she wants. And then she will do it EVERY time. Just keep in mind, that it will probably get worse before it gets better if you are able to be firm and consistent, but just stick with it because it will be worth it in the long run for all of you. And don't forget to give her lots of love, no matter how stressed you get by all this it is probably harder on her. Good luck!

I agree with those who have said sit down and talk with her. Let her tell you what's going on in her life. The things she might be experiencing may seem trivial, but she might feel overwhelmed. Having her dad in Iraq doesn't help her feel any better. Once she understands that you care about what's going on in her life, tell her your side of the story, how it hurts you that your oldest, most grown up daughter hasn't been on your "team". Help her to see that she's an important part of your "team" (of course, not that you are dependent on her, but that you do depend on her and have certain expectations as being part of the family). Help her to figure out ways to have more pride in herself (being someone who is depended on and trusted), pride in your family, and give you more respect in return. Adolescents want most to feel like they belong somewhere.
I found this website:
http://www.ncfy.com/publications/tips/index.htm

I am also 27 and also have a nine year old that started that business about 6 months ago. I also 2 other daughters (ages 4 and 7). I have learned that no matter how hard it is for me to take things away from her I have to do what is best to teach her that she can't walk all over me and to generally teach her respect. So here is what really works, Do NOT threaten her anymore, just give her ONE warning, if she does not do what you say after that well, then you HAVE to punish her. If you just threaten with punishment they never learn. She will respond better if you finally put your foot down and the key is always consistency. I know how hard it is to raise kids being single, I did it for a long time. I know you get tired and it's just easier to give them their way. But you have to decide what is more important, getting her (and keep in mind that children learn by example so if she keeps this up you will end up with problems with the other 2 as well) to behave or, asserting yourself as a mother to get the respect you deserve for taking the hard road and taking care of your kids by yourself. It's all up to you, sweetie! Good luck! Just a reminder, they CAN smell fear.

First, it sounds like you need some "mommy time" for yourself. Hire a sitter and get out of the house for a day, take a day off work and have soem alone time before the kids get home from school/childcare.
Second, my heart goes out to you and your husband, my husband in in the air force reserves and there have been hints lately that they may be headed to Iraq or near there soon. I'm not looking forward to that.
My sister has a ten year old daughter and she gets mouthy or breaks rules and things sometimes, and I think my sister has figured out that following through on her threats is key. Plus, talking to your daughter and explaining to her how her behavier makes you feel might help. I know I always felt worse knowing I hurt my Mom's feelings than when she simply grounded me. But, I think following through and standing firm should make a difference, but be sure to reassue her and let her know you love her also.

Sad to say but it's clear your daughter is in charge. Take back the authority! Never "threaten".......if you say you're going to do something, you HAVE to do it. (It shows weakness when you back down) Next time she wants something.......tell her you will take care of it when she does what you requested. You need to let her know who's in charge there or your situation will only get worse. Let her see that when Mom says something, she means it and she'll trust you and your word. It will take time but well worth the effort in the end. Good luck.

They are definitely testing you and like the others said, now is when you really need to follow through and show them you are the boss. Kids act like they don't want or like discipline, but they NEED it! It absolutely shows your love for them when you set boundaries like not talking back. You have the right to expect certain behaviors from them. If they want to act out because you tell them do something, tell them to go to their rooms and whine and then come back and do whatever it was that you asked them to do. Everytime they whine or sass back, tell them to go to their rooms. They'll figure out that you mean it and they will respect you all the more. It's exhausting but necessary :)

All I can say is SUPER NANNY!!! My niece is doing the same things right now. My sister in law has been watching that show and slowly taking her house back. You have to be careful because if you wait too long to be assertive and show your girls that you are BOSS then they will all be walking all over you. I don't mean for this to come off rude but children need discipline, boundaries, and to know that their parents will follow through whether it is with punishment or rewards.