Advice with Step Parenting

Please know step parenting is HARD! Me and my husband have been married 7yrs and I thought it was going to be a breeze because my step-son was only 7 then, but WOW was I wrong. Especially since my step-son's mother wasn't really ever involved I thought I would just be able to be a mom for this boy to love. But everyday changes in the life of a step parent as well as the child. Some days he would think "oh Im so glad to have you." Others days he hated me and wanted his real mom that he hadn't seen in months, terrible feeling for me:( Now that he's a TEENager SCARY is very rough. He's very disrespectful to me and that makes me not want to love him at all. Especially when I think back to those times that I was the ONE who was there when his so called REAL mom was suppose to be coming to vistit and never showed, and I watched him cry. So just please believe step parenting is HARD.

That bring's back fond memories as we too are from a 1st marriage and we had his and her's kid's to think about and my son and my husband didn't get along at first either then one day it struck me as long as I was in the middle they will not settle down so I backed out of their disagreements and told them to beat other head's in and then packed they're bag's as I had enough of this head games that they are playing, and now 19y'rs later we are a whole family with the rest of the rug rat's, all is well !!

Wow, I don't know how I got on the web-site? I'm glad because I can relate to it.

I worry all the time about a stepdad scenerio for my son. I have thought about not worrying about it until sons are out and gone. Or should I just stay and put up??? Anyway, I would do the same and stick up for my son...A Mom knows....

Have a great day. B.

K., I was married for 18 yrs.& 3 kids when I went through my divorce. I was NEVER going to get married again. Well, that was Wrong.. hahaha. Anyway, my husband came with a son, a son that had a very troubled start. I made the mistake of trying to parent him just like I had my older 3. It does not work. After many years of problems and issues I finally got some help from this website that was recommended by a family counsler to me. It is very time comsuming but if you do it, TRUSTt it, and your Husband works with you, you both agree to be honest and agree to do it, work together seperatly it will truly help your family. Together you all can work through things and your family can be happy and have the family that you all deserve. I wish I would have had this help when we first became a family. Being a stepfamily is harder, it is more work. But, if it is done correctly, it is sure worth all the extra work. GOod luck, and I wish you enough ..... enough love, patients, kindness, desire, love and more LOVE..... for with love...... all can be. Follow the links from this page through everything..... it will help everyone. www.stepfamilies.info
http://sfhelp.org/bk_flyer.htm
R.

First off hugs! you need them. Its funny that this came across my email this morning because just as I was reading this my husband called yelling in my ear cause my son (14) woke up late for school again this week.
I am a mom to tow teens and a step mom to two grown boys. As a step mom I did NOT get along with my older step son. And I mean I did not speak to the child for 5 years while living together under the same roof. Now (he is 22) we have a fantastic relationship. So the things I learned from it.
1. you and hubby need to discuss issues away from the child at all times
2. agree on punishment before you punish behavior
3. do not make deal with a child without discussing it with hubby first
4. know when to step in and when to let it roll off your shoulder. How big is the issue? is it going to hurt anyone?
5. don't try to please both sides. It won't work and you'll stress out
6. sit them down and be a neutral side while they talk out their issues. that way you won't play he said she said game.
7. stand your ground with both sides. Accept what they have to tell you, understand it, but if you strongly belive in your way of handling then do it. They will respect you more for it later on.
and the number one thing is take time for yourself. It will help you clear your mind long enought to make a decision.

Good luck! and keep your eye focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Patricia March 13th response - Best Advice Given - Must Read by Everyone

Been There - Teenagers are the number marital problem no matter if they are yours, mine, or ours. Patricia's advice is awesome.

Always parent together, united and on the same page - even if you are not united, not on the same page and absoulty do not agree. These issues need to be discussed away from the children and together.

Never ever react to a situation - Count to 1,000 if you have to. I'm not saying to let it get out of control but you and your spouse need to have ground rules on how you will both handle the teens, as well as they need to know what to expect from this new family unit. This will build trust and respect among everyone in the family

And remember this is their relationship and relationships take time to build. I look at my grown children today and I can't believe either of us made it through and we have great relationships, but they are work and they are worth working at.

Never give up, but be a united team. A new view of the situation from someone coming into the family dynamic is amazing if we chose to listen and see what they see. And sometimes just talking together about the situations we are both wanting and seeing the same things just from the oposite sides of the big picture.

It's been this way forever, Men and Women see things so differently and it comes down to communicating and working together. As soon as teens see that you are going to stay together no matter what they will respect that commitment.

PS: Be honest and open also, gumbling and talking under his breath is not acceptable behavior. But, also he may not know that. My husband was single until we were married with teenagers, he never experienced people not listening to him and talking back. He did not know that they were not like employees or co workers and that people acted like that. Also, respect is not a learned behavior any longer in our society. Adults demand it, but we are short on giving it to our youth and we have not done a good job of teaching it either.

Hi K.,

Been there…

Here are a couple of resources that might help... This is the study material for a small group I briefly attended for blended families. Our children are pretty much grown now, but I've learned that that fact doesn't change the dynamics of a blended family. I highly recommend this book:

http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/ecommerce.php/mode/...

Also, this is a great website, created by the author of the book, where you can find more resources and the help that you need:

http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/

I have two teenagers, one 19 and one 18. My 18 year old daughter has had a rough time of it because of the previous marriage, so we did our best to help her out and she decided when she turned 18 that she didn't want to live here anymore. My 19 year old son likes having a step-dad and likes living with us, even though he is old enough to be on his own.

But he didn't always feel that way. When I was a single Mom, he was the man of the house. He had to do some major role-switching and that can be stressful. He wanted me to be happy, yet he didn’t know if he could trust my new husband to take over. So there was some conflict. My husband, who also had never married before, was new to this and didn’t understand my son’s behavior either.

We have been married for five years now, and we are just beginning to see the teenage tendencies to wane and the responsible choices and perks of adulthood show up… How beautiful the smallest of them look after going through the teen years.

Now, my son thinks of my husband as his mentor and very good friend. He still calls him by his first name, but calls him his Dad when introducing him to others. My son seems to need and gravitate toward my new husband more than he does to me now. I think that is good. He needs a man to be a positive influence in his life and my husband is well aware now of the crucial role he plays in my son’s life. I just want you to know that there is hope, and that it is typical to hear things such as, "You're not my Dad!" at first. So wait, before you pull the plug on anyone just yet...

I'm sure that you love your new husband very much. You probably don't want to lose anyone else! And I'm sure your husband loves you very much too, and even though he gets frustrated, he doesn't want to lose you or your son either. Rightfully so... It's time to hang on to each other and never let go. You know what divorce does to a family, and your husband, although not divorced before, should know after talking to you that it is not a pretty thing either. Don't be willing to give anyone up! You need each other. You are a team. It is just as much your son's responsibility to walk in love as it is your husbands, and yours too.

So, visit the website, get the book. Be encouraged. (Know that there is a testosterone thing between men that women don't understand as well.) And try to find Ron Deal's seminar or a small group on step-families in your area for you and your husband to attend. We went just before we were married, and the nuggets of wisdom available there are priceless! And in every case, not just yours, I have to say that it can save marriages, lives, relationships, and help create the peace we all so desperately need at home. Feed them, love them, and nurture them... and enjoy doing it... don't let anyone steal your joy. Know that I am praying for you.

Often, God's richest blessings are not what we expect, but I pray that they are yours!

J.

Although we have not been step parents, we did raise two teenagers- a boy and a girl. Raising teenagers is very difficult, since they seem to turn into different people overnight. It might help if your husband and you read some
books together about teenage behavior, so both of you can be united as parents and also research the unique challenges of step-parenting. With our own children, I learned to pick our battles, some things are annoying, but not important, so those were overlooked. For the important things, with our daughter,who was the challenge, we drew up a contract very specifically listing our expectations and rewards and consequences. She also provided input as to what her expectations and desires were. Once the contract was finalized, we all signed it, got a copy each, and posted it where we could be reminded of what we had all agreed to do. You and your husband should agree ahead of time on what is negotiable with your son and what is not. Teenagers test you, but reassure your son that there are limits to behavior, but not to love. Mine are 28 and 27 now and both turned out fine.

K., I too, went through exactly what you have described with a new husband and a 16 year old son. My husband had never been around children - let alone live in the same house with a 16 year old "rival". I use that word because that's exactly what they are... a rival for your love and attention. There were many (MANY) times my husband was displeased with my son's actions, that I, being the one who raised him, knew that this was normal & NOT disrespectful behavior. Okay, this being said, I know that you already know the situation, let me fast forward. I stuck to my guns in raising my son the way I wanted him to grow. My husband kind of watched from the sidelines. That was his unspoken choice...Over the years, my son is now 38 with a family of his own (3 sons), my husband speaks proudly of "Our Son" and the fact that he has never referred to him as anything but his son. He loves my son in his way. They respect each other but are not close. THAT is the way it played out...You can't make two people love each other, I tried...I finally gave up on that and relaxed, knowing that my love for them and their love for me would just have to do. My husband conceded years ago and praised me for sticking to what I thought was the right way to raise my son, which by the way... was to raise him to be a loving, educated, responcible, happy addition to society. We all got through those years, they could have been better. They could have also been worse...Hang tough K., Your future happiness with your husband AND your child(ren) depend on it. I hope this helps you, God bless. P.

Hi K.,

I have been married to my husband now 11 years next month. He is the stepfather to my 17 yr old son. my son was 6 when we married, and the step parent thing is tough, we also have a dughter together who is 9. Though my son was younger when we married it has still been something we work very hard on. RESPECT IS THE ONLY THING I CAN TELL YOU! IT MUST BE A RESPECT THING! Not a parent thing, parents should be there for giudance and yes parents must be united, however your husband will need to respect your son and your son must respct your husband. ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE DIFFER IN THEIR PERSONALITIES AND OR HOBBIES. You are not protecting your son YOU ARE LOVING HIM. When you and your husband chose to get married he married you and your children, and if your husband loves oyu he must find a way to communiate and learn to love you son as well. The common bond of course is you. But to make it a family it all starts with LOVE AND RESPECT, embrace the diffrences and grow stronger. EASY FOR ME TO SAY HUH? Give it a shot, best of luck for the happiness,
K.

I agree with Dianna. If you can step back and let your husband and son work through this, it will be much better. It's a good idea when you see your husband treat your son with respect or when your son treats your husband with respect, to tell each of them when you are alone with them that you are proud that they chose to be kind to the other. Men don't like to be told that they are wrong all of the time. They need to be lifted up... just like us!

Always encourage yourself and your son to treat your husband with respect even if you yourself doesn't agree with his way of discipline. I really put a wedge between my kids and their step-dad because I was always sticking up for the kids because I felt he was being too hard on them. Now, my husband is detached from the children more than he should and I realize it was because I wasn't teaching my kids to respect him. I didn't back him up so he felt belittled. A man needs to feel like he is the man of the house. There is a book called "Love and Respect" that showed me these things. I only wish I could have had this book when my husband and I were first together.

Encourage both of your men and spend quality time with each of them so they don't have to feel the need to battle for your attention. I will be praying for you.

I am 66 yrs. old, married 13 yrs to my 2nd husband and the same thing has been going on with us. I have a 37 yr old retarded son who lives with us and his step dad behaves in the same way. I know he actually loves him but he does pick on him and complain and gripe a lot and yes, home should be your sanctuary, so just lovingly remind him the boy was in your life first and I tell my husband my children will ALWAYS come first. There is enough love for everyone to have a little piece, I think sometimes it's a little jealousy. It's hard, but never respond with anger, just remember love grows if it's fed & watered. My husband loves me enough that he doesn't get angry when I tell him I will not tolerate any kind of anger or hostility in my home. Besides, some day your son will be grown, on his own and if you maintain a good relationship, there will be LOTS of grandchildren to love on, we have LOTS and although there was a lot of tension at first now my husband is like a blood relation to all my grandchildren. Arguments should be tempered with love and kindness.

Hello K. -

I would strongly recommend getting the book "Non-Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Employing the principles it teaches completely transforms our relationships. Hurt feelings are avoided or resolved and everyone is able to feel heard and understood. It literally changes people's lives simply through eliminating miscommunication.

Good luck-
D.

Hi K.,
I know exactly where your coming from. I am married for the second time and I have a 14 year old son from my first marriage. My husband now has raised my son as his own from the age of 2 1/2. Things were wonderful when he was younger but when he hit the teenage years it changed some what.
I know a lot of it is because of his biological father who tells him things like... he's not your dad you don't have to listen to him and your brothers and sister are only your step siblings which isn't true. There is so much more but I know what you mean about it bothering you when he yells and you always sticking up for him because you feel that you have to defend him because he isn't his. It bothers me when my husband yells at my son also but it doesn't faze me when he yells at the other kids.We have a total of five kids. Four together and one from my first mistake. lol! If you would like to talk more about this topic you could email me at ____@____.com or we can talk through this site. Good Luck
W. mother of five.
I just wanted to add one thing. I have read a lot of the responses and I cannot believe some of the advice people are giving. They are saying don't let your husband take part in the disapline and leave it up to you and some are telling you to get a new man and so on. I feel that if it is done right then your husband can and should take part in the discapline Just like my ex, he expects my husband to support him and buy him clothes and a.t.v's and put a roof over his head but thinks that should be it and I should do all the parenting. What does that tell the kids? To me, it tells them that they are the money train and they can come to them for support in the needs of money but they can't tell them what to do it isn't right and I am so sorry that you got some of the advice that you did . Good luck to you and don't worry, if your husband and son talk and explain to each other what they feel the other one needs and wants from one another things should go smoothly.

one little piece of advice children are there to stay a man may come and go...I had the same situation. I explained to him he can be a part of the progress of being a positve roll model to show people can come together no matter, the circumsatnces or, he can choose to be silent and forgot in years to come as the person married to my mom.
Now my children in their thirdies resent him some and it shows. So I would encourage your spouse that in a few years he will be gone and for now he can have a friend or an enemy in the house. Yes teens will be teens, he also needs to respect the rules that are within reason. PICK THE BATTLES you want to fight and the rest is laughs for for the rocking chair. one other thing I would not alow my spouse to correct because he would for sure be resented. I did all that and kids always love mom no matter what.

I can relate to this, my husband and i have been married for 8 months. I have a 14 yr old and a 6yr old from a previous marriage. My husband gets along fine with the 14 yr old but the 6 year old bugs him. I finally came out and told him that If this marriage is going to work he has to be nice to the 6 yr old. I couldn't stand the fact that he didn't "like" him. my 6yr old even told me dad doens't like me, that broke my heart!! we had a sit down talk and things between them have improved alot. It took my husband a few to realize what he was doing and that hes only a 6 yr old. He still has an issue here and there but for the most part he lets things go now and trys hard to give positive attention.

Talk to your husband and tell him how you really feel about the situation at hand. =]
good luck

Hi, K. I do understand it is so hard to have a blended family, and maybe in your area or thru the schools you might be able to find some parenting classes for the entire family, and it would help all of you to understand and learn to not push each others buttons.
I realize that you have a wonderful family and it may take some time, but it will work out.
It is so diffcult for everyone concerned to learn to live with the tiny things that come with a new marriage and step-children. Good luck and I know that it just takes time. P. B

Hi K. it is March by my Calendar.
But as I read, I can imagine the frustration.
Have you heard the saying, boys will be boys and Men will be men.
My take on that is to give them some time. Because neither knows how to deal with (your choice) mom's life.
It will take sometime for the guys to get along, remembering they are there because they are for you and will be in competition for you and that will go on for a long while.
You,in the meantime will have to be cool, but try keeping them apart, just because this may esculate to frontroom verbal fights/confrontations.
I hope life will get better for you & your family.
In the old days, folks will tell 'nai it's your world, deal with it...or words like did you invite them to your future, plans? Did ya get that?

Tell the husband to go his way. Your children are more important. Wait until they graduate and then look for you another husband.

Hi K., I was a step child and its an adjustment for child. There needs to be more communication that you both are united and loving him on one accord. And give Dad and the child time to bond and form aloving relationship, find some common thoughs and reasoning. And dear Dad we choose to love, sounds like some parenting class might be a good idear too. wishing you all wellness and sucess...

I have been married for 14 years and thisis my second marrigage. My husband and I have tried to separate several times but something usually happens.. He was to move out January 15th, but lord and behold, he slipped on the ice in our driveway and broke his knee cap. Guess who took care of him...ME. I was not happy with the situation, but he has no one else to do it for him. He is an only child and his mother passed away Dec. 2006. I also took care of her while she was terminal ill with ovarian cancer. Why me, I do not know. I spent my Chirstmas break taking care of a man who is difficult to deal with healthly, much less sick! I agree with you about husbands always getting fustrated over stupid things. I am a high school technology teacher (very independent) and mother of a 31 year old daughter who is married and has two children. She is not my husbands daughter and believe me when she was living at home with me, it was always a constant battle with her and my husband. Now they get along because she does not leave at home. She is my flesh and blood and no one will tell me how to love her and take sides. I refused to do it and since then it has make me feel that he is jealous of her and the relationship she and I have. She will always be my child and your son will always be your son. He knew about him before he began a relationship with you. Marriage is very difficult and I would not do it again if it meant saving my life. Right now i do not want to be married but I am trying to get him to move out peacefully. His moving out is in the making for June. You have your children and a husband who seems as if he wants you to choose sides...don't do it, because in your heart you will choose your child. hang in ther!

Being a step parent is an art. Re-educate your husband on the antics he pulled when he was younger, he must also understand that a parent and a child share a unique relationship. What he may think is "silly" may just be your son's way to make sure you remember he is there and wants the reassurance you are in his corner and is looking for acceptance from your new husband. I am a parent with teenage sons and a teenage step son. Don't sweat the small stuff but do stand up for your child. Life is to short to alienate the ones you love.

HI K.,
I feel for you, oh I sooo, do!
There really is no answer from any of us, because YOU are in it, not us.
I can tell you though. I went through the EXACT same thing. My son felt as though I chose My husband over him, he never felt loved and always felt picked on and judged..A boy needs a mans time and energy, he didn't get it. Kids know, even in the good times they ARE getting along, that it wont last, there will always be another snide remark, ugly look, or chilly feeling.
K., this time severely hurt my son, as his dad was not in the picture much. My son was emotionally scared from my decision and now at 20 years old he still wont talk to me after leaving right at 18..
My sister made the same decision and at nearly 30, her son is just now coming around.
Your man needs to get a grip, or you need to make a decision for your sons sake!
PLEASE, take my warning!!

K.:
Patricia is right on, print that and live by it. I am mother of 3 teen boys and recently remarried 3 yrs. The first year was rough but I had to let my husband work out his issues with my sons and work on thier relationships. I sometimes explain my childrens issues with my husband behind closed doors but we provide a united front to them.

Good luck and if you respect your husband and love him and trust his influence he will be a positive influence on them I promise. Your boys need to become men and he will help them for that.

Lots of love M. b

Hi K.,

Not an easy situation at all. I'm glad that you're finding assistance and support...something many of us need on a regular basis! I have a number of methods that I've used in my life and in my coaching practice with clients...one is 'Appreciative Inquiry' which focuses on what's working...you can 'stealth' this process by noticing and commenting on when you see the behavior that you want more of...ie: when your husband doesn't react negatively you might say 'that was nice that you gave him (your son) a break' or whatever. Same with your son, in respecting what his step-dad says even if he doesn't agree with it. It's amazing to see the changes that occur over time. I remember having to 'fake it' until the appreciation was truly genuine. Ultimately, it works it's magic.

Another really wonderful tool is Byron Katie's 'The Work' which is powerful. Katie cut's right through our thoughts that things 'should' be a different way than they are. I had a hard time with wanting to let go of my hurt but after learning how to be honest with myself and process the stored feelings, it found me again. ;)

Lastly there is 'The State of Grace Document' which is a profound way of being in relationship with ourself and others and holding all in a state of grace, or respect. It's best used when you actually develop a working document between parties but I've also found that it has transformed the way I engage with everyone.

You can google Appreciative Inquiry for lots of information...the other sites are www.TheWork.com and www.StateOfGraceDocument.com.

Wishing you lots of compassion and patience for yourself and your family. :)

Best,
S.
TheMythAndMysteryOfYou.com

I can only imagine how difficult this might be. We have a 17 yr. old and if the step-parent was not familiar with the teen and didn't know them before those years, it could be nearly impossible to form a strong bond much less compassion for their teen moods and attitudes. I wish I had an answer but maybe you could just ask each of them to be sensitive of your feelings (at least) since you love them both and it hurts you when anyone you love doesn't love and respect each other. If they could get a hobby together and hang out outside of the house walls it would be great (fishing, hiking, etc.) Support your son ... your husband is the adult and will need to act like a good man to make it work. Pray!!

maybe they need to talk 1on1 about the problems and how it hurts u

OK, so I realize I am very late coming in on this one, but it seems everyone who has responded has been on the parent side, while I was the child in a similar situation...

I was 14 when my parents married (I refer to my dad & stepmom as "my parents"). My mother & father had been divorced for just over 2 years at that point, and the new woman & I just did NOT get along! We had tons of disagreements, and she would always put my dad in the middle rather than coming to me with a complaint- This while my dad & I were working through our relationship, as I had never been close to either parent.

A good friend of mine had the best insight into the situation. my mother was never really around & didn't take care of us when she was (4 kids aged 7-16 at the time), so although I had a sister who was 2 years older than me, I took on that responsibility. And here was this new woman coming in and taking over MY house. She also had a son who was in his twenties and as far as we could tell a spoiled brat who still lived at home, did no chores (while I had to clean the house and do everyone's laundry) & didn't work. She had no idea about sibling rivalry, she was from the midwest- we're all native Texans, so there are LOTS of differences there, and just lots of little things that irritated both sides. It was quite a change for all of us.

My younger brothers adjusted fairly quickly, my older sis moved out to live with my mom not too long after the engagement was announced, and I didn't really start getting along with her until I moved out of the house. (Sorry, but at least there is hope down the line...)

We are very close now- she helped with planning my wedding, she is my son's grandma with no distinction that she is my step-parent(my nieces call her "grandma firstname" but to my son, she's just Grandma.) Things can change and get better! My 3-yr-old has started noticing that I call her by her first name, and now that my mom is around a bit more, he is catching on that there is something there, but we haven't exactly explained that yet.

Just please remember if you don't feel in your heart that things will change, move on for the sake of your children. My mom's ex-husband had been accused multiple times of misconduct with my sister when she was a teen. Even when my brothers caught him looking at her in the shower, etc Mom just ignored it, denied it, and stood by him. Later down the road, they find out he had been molesting my then-4-yr-old niece. Even when the trial started, she initially stood by him until she heard my niece tell what happenned. They had worked together, and she lost her job, her home, etc when she finally came back to reality.

I know these are 2 major extremes, but such is my life... =o) I've definitely learned a lot from both sides.

So much of the advice already given is really good. Just wanted to put in my two cents from the child's perspective on the good, the bad, & the ugly- I've experienced it all & lived to tell about it... Best of luck to you & your blended family!

WOW! I am now overwhelmed and a little hesitant. I too am planning to get married and I have 2 sons who are still at home--ages 14 and 16! I also have another who is 28. I'm praying that my saving grace is that my huband to be and I have had a relationship for 15 years and he has had lots of time to build relationships with my kids. Not that everything has been peaches and cream--but there is no question that he loves all three of my sons. I do expect that there will be some turbulence about them having to share me once we are living in the same house, and I think I'm prepared to deal with that.

My question to you is how much opportunity did your husband and son have to form a relationship before your marriage took place? It doesn't sound like much time was spent on that. Now you can't go back, but you must move ahead with a deliberate plan in mind. That plan must be the foundation that supports your family life until things get better and ou and your husband must agree on it, to the letter.

I agree with another responder who said you must provide a united front with your husband for your son. You and your husband need to develop a plan that is workable and based on the realities you have to live with. For now, he may need to step back and let you take care of disciplinary matters while he works on developing a positive relationship with your son. The real problem may be the rivalry for your affection, so it may work better to remove yourself from the middle of their interactions.

The reality is, you are caught in the middle, because you love them both. However, you cannot buffer or encourage their relationship unless you and your husband agree on what the parameters are going to be. Above all, do not disagree in front of your son. Keep all of that behind closed doors. If you don't he will learn even more about how to play you two against each other, and the outcome will be disastrous.

Give them space and time to be together, at first with you and gradually, you should bow out, as things progress between them. Are there things they enjoy in common? You'll have to do a little homework and maybe some detective work first to lay the groundwork. Are there experiences that your husband has had that your son can benefit from? Spend some time talking to them both to find out where their commonalities lie. You can better capitalize on them when you know precisely what they are.

If worst comes to worst, you may need to seek counseling. Keep in mind that your son only has a little while longer to live with you and some of what he will learn from this expereience will help him to be a better man. Who knows, he may confront the same situation when he's an adult.

Best of luck!

I have been a step parent before and i just try to get to know the child first. I spent time alone with the child to see what they were about and how they felt about me. I took the child places with me and bought her things and talked a lot. We became very close and it worked out. Patience.

I don't really have any good advice- just to tell you that it is always going to be like that. There will be good times and then their will be times that you are on both sides of the fence. My husband (48 now) and I (43 now) married when my son was 10 yrs old. My husband had never even been married much less have kids. My son is graduating this year- 18 yrs old. We had some rocky times but all and all we have survived. There are still times that I kinda have to pick sides and needless to say it is normally my sons! My husband doesn't think I am hard enough on him and maybe not- but he is a great son and that's just the way it is going to be. Sometimes my husband and I agree and sometimes we don't, but when it comes to "my" son I feel like I have final say. We also have a 7 yr old daughter. Bottom line---hang in there and just know that they are not always going to get along, we as birth parents don't always have happy times either. This is just a fact you are going to have to face. Good Luck...

I know I'm late on my response; however, it's all about TIME... It takes time and commitment. This is going to be a challenge for everyone involved but with prayer and commitment it can work and be a beautiful relationship in the end. Like one of the other ladies mentioned that everyone is trying to fight for your love and attention, SO TRUE.

It sounds like "two bulls in the same pen" senario. Your huband who never raised a child might be jealous (and not even know it) of your son, whom he does not know and feels is a threat to his relationship with you. Well, how do you smooth out the fences? Is there anything common between the two ... anything they both like: sports, projects, movies, cars, etc? Your assignment, if you wish to accept it, is to discover their common ground and bring them together on it as often as possible. Let them discover something they can share between them, and maybe their relationship will get better. Otherwise, the only other solution I can think of is to have a baby with your new husband so he can take his mind off his step-son! (Wow! too much to ask!) OK. Then stick with the "common ground" theory and do what you do best: cook! Remember, a way to a man or boy's heart is through his stomach. Bring up great topics at dinnertime, and see how it goes from there. And, PRAY. (This is not a laughing matter, even though I'm trying to keep it lighthearted.) God bless!

~EL

K.,
I have had similiar experience with my hubby and my 13yr old. It was the worst in the beginning when we were first together too. My son was 11 when we married, my husband was very hard on him and it gradually resolved itself- they get along great now. The key is to ONLY let your hubby do the "fun" stuff with your son. Let them build a solid friendship, and you handle all the disciplinary needs as you have been I am sure.
Maybe there is something they can do together that will form a special bond. My son and hubby LOVE going to the local hockey and football games, and an occasional movie (that they know I won't want to see...lol).
I would definitely set some boundaries with your hubby about making negative comments or muttering under his breath.
I always told my hubby when he was misbehaving, "He's been around 10 years longer than you, Buckwheat!". That put it in perspective for him. LOL
Hope you find what works for your family!
~S.

YOU are the parent and must be the one to take care of what your son needs. Your husband and you need some counseling from someone familiar with teens. Do not let this alienate you and your son. I have step children and it can be a big problem. Your husband needs to back off and let you be the one to make the decisions as you have done for 16 years. He will be out of the house soon enough, and until then a little bit of slack must be cut from the incoming step parent. Good luck!!
PS: I disagree with letting your new husband make the major decisions. The boy has a father. It will only create strife for which you will be unprepared.

This is the second man you have chosen to come into your life and share it with you. However, your children don't seem to appreciate your second choice (One leaving the house, the other having relationship problems) I am sure that this behavior didn't just start after the marraige. If it has, then it is because you are putting up with it. Noone should be muttering under their breath about anyone else in the household. If they have something to say, they should be able to say it out loud, otherwise this is a great way to end another marraige/relationship with your child becuase of the resentments and unfulfilled expectations on somones part.
One thing you need to do and talk with your husband about is both of you being open to both sides of an issue. There are times when your son will be right/needs some slack and times when your husband will be right/and your son needs to be tasked. The key is to listen to both sides of the story without getting defensive, becuase he is your son. Yes, as parents we want to protect our children, but your son doesn't need your protection anymore, what he needs is to 1. Learn to deal with situations appropriately 2. Learn from his mistakes 3. Live in an environment where he is safe from snide comments and undermining authority figures. (Oh and your husband needs these three things as well) Good luck.
W.

Hi K.,
I was in exactly the same boat as you. I've now been married to my husband for a few months now. This is our second marriage. I have two sons. They are age 10 & 18. My husband and I dated for three years before we married last December. At first my oldest son, who was 16 years old at the time, was very protective. He didn't understand why my boyfriend had to come over all the time. I asked kindly to give him chance, to be cordial, and respectful. I also asked my boyfriend at the time to do the same. My husband also didn't have kids. I had to remind my son now and then to be cordial, but I didn't push or force them. Gradually my son came around and relized that he wasn't half bad. The more he talked to him the better they got along. I think the key is to be patient and not push the relationship. If your husband has concerns, he needs to think first about how to approach him. It's good that the two of you talk it out and maybe have him talk and discuss his expectations with you there too. It's also better to talk in a positive environment. Maybe getting guidance from a counselor may help also. We, my sons and I went to a family counselor for awhile to help cope with different issues. The counselor was there to give some good advise on how to deal and our daily lives. If your husband is open to getting some help with this as a family. I think it will open doors to a better relationship. Remember your son needs you also, and it may be he wants your attention that you now are giving to husband. You son is at the age where he is expressing his independance, but I think he still needs that time with you. I remember taking time, just the two of us, to talk. We would go to Boarders, and we would also go to lunch. We spent some good time together to discuss everything on his mind. Maybe with would be good for you too also. Remember to be patient and ask the men in your life to do the same. They will gradually come around. They both want to express their feeling and want to be heard. Good luck to your and your family. I can see from you message that you are a loving and wonderful mother.

K. . . Hard Hard . . . the one thing your husband should not ever do is talk under his breath that is disrespecting your son. Thank is a start. Also Kevin Leman writes wonderful books go to Amazon and type in his name and he has
a book on growing up in a step family . . .it is a great book.
God Bless M.

Dear K., Your situation is a bit more complicated than my own, but I empathize with you completely. With my own situation, my husband just seems to always be ragging on my 13 yr. old son. It's always been this way and my husband refuses to listen when I tell him that he's just too hard on him. Like with you, he thinks that I'm being overprotective. I've come to the conclusion that their personalities don't blend well (mind you, this is my husband's 'bio' child). At least once a month, I talk with my husband about choosing LOVE as an alternative to anger when dealing with my 13 yr. old. In your situation, you've got to deal with the fact that your son is not tied to your husband the way he is with you (biologically). How does your son handle each situation? How does he feel about the situations which arise? I do hope he shares his feelings with you. If he doesn't, he may be stuffing his feelings because he knows how much you love your husband. It sounds to me like you're already making sure you let your son know how much you love him. I'd just keep that going as often as possible. I agree with you completely, the words of dissention are horrible for a growing teen. They need more uplifting words or they won't have the self-esteem needed to become happy, balanced adults. Your husband doesn't have the experience raising a teen (it's oh, so hard sometimes. I've got 3 of them) and your son is dealing with lots and lots of things in his life just being a teen. Would your husband consider taking a class in how to deal with teens? Maybe both your son and your husband could get involved in a regular activity together where other men are with their teenaged sons as well. Then your husband could learn from the other men as he goes along. Boy Scouts gives such great opportunities to boys and their fathers. Another idea would be to take a martial arts class together. Most of the martial arts teach self control and how to channel energy. This might be a solution. (In fact, as I write this to you, I'm giving myself ideas for my own situation. Thanks for that!) I wish you all the best and hope things settle down for you. Keep giving your son all the love you can. He's hanging in there because of his love for you. He wants to be with you. I give him kudos for that. He's got some great qualities for trying to rise above the difficulties. I truly respect him for that. Keep building him up as much as you can! All the best! D.

Hello K.,

honey, im sorry but the key words here are new husband. What was the relationship between the two like before you were married? You have to look back at that and when the changes began. There is not a man on this earth worth a childs happiness. There is obviously a conflict between the two. How can you compare 1 year of marriage with a man who talks about your son in a negative way and does not want to make an effort to the happiness of your child.... I say kick the "husband" to the curb. He knew when you got together that you had a son and you came as a package deal. If my man could not accept my son the he could not accept me.
Good luck.

Hi K.--I had to respond to what you wrote as I was in the same situation. My ex partner was exactly the way you described what you are going through. There was no understanding of normal child development and daily stress and hurt feelings because of it. My two boys were consistantly psychologically broke down and hurt because of it. We are not together anymore because the behavior never changed and my boys continued to be hurt by it. My advice is to follow your gut--if you know that your sons mental well being is being hurt by your husbands reactions and lack of understanding and acceptance--and you too--take action. Insist on counseling, whatever. I wish that I would have much sooner than I did. I'm new to this website--didn't plan on really accessing it but couldn't help respond to yours. I know how hard it is when you love someone but things aren't going the greatest with the relationship between them and your children. Then your hopes are raised with the good times and then of course the bad happens again. Best of luck!

Hi K., I have been a step child (that was no fun) and I have been a step mom (no fun either!) I remember thinking that my step mom had no right to make me eat stuff that my real mom didn't! (I was only with the step mom on weekends) And had two evil step sisters also! When I became the step mom I felt like my step son should be treated equally with my real son and foster kids. So he probably did not think it was right that I made him pick up his dirty socks when his real mom didn't! HA! what goes around, comes around! Now I am step mom again to an adult child of my new husband, He hates me (doesn't live with or visit with me) he only hates me because I am not his mom who passed away a couple of years before I met his dad. Now there is another twist! My new husband is a step dad for the first time to my real son who is now 22 and does not live with us he is in Iraq in the army and my new husband resents him! I think because I don't have a relationship with his son (his son's choice) he doesn't want to have relationship with mine! My son is respectful and thinks highly of my husband, but my husband doesn't like it when he visits and says that he can never live here with us even when he gets back and needs time to get on his feet! My husband has been good to my son on several occaisions but he and I have had some knock down drag out fights over how he feels about him. Yes my son can be lazy! but he doesn't have to be ugly to my son over that! He acts like his son is perfect, yet it is his son that stole from the family and got in trouble with the law, my son never did anything like that, and my son is respectful of adults, His son treats me like a piece of Sh**! So I would say (as no expert, trying to work this out myself!) that you have to stand up for your son, I would go as far as to threaten to leave the husband if he can"t be nice to the son! My son is grown and doesn't even live with us and I told my new husband, that he should be very careful to never make me choose between them! As far as his son goes, I have just stepped out of the picture! He is in the navy now, but where it comes to him I never tell my husband what to do, or stop them from going or seeing or whatever! I give him that time alone without me! I have invited his son on several occaisions and offered to make him a nice going away dinner before he left for the navy, he declines! I will continue to offer from time to time, because someday he will grow up and want to try to know me. Sorry I rambled on and on, I probably did not help you at all, but it sure was good to get all my junk out in the open, so thanks for listening to anyone who had the patience to read this! God bless all the mamasourse mom's!

K., twelve years ago, I was exactly where your husband is now. I had never been married before, had an adopted 4 years old and married into a family with a 16 year old living in the house. My husband travelled. It was the worst of the worst. First, pray for the two of them as a team. Ask husband to pray for the two of them. (I used to pray that the older boy's behavior would change and then realized I was part of the problem....at least to the extent that I was not used to a 16-year-old child.)Be very patient. Your son needs to see you and your husband as a united front. Otherwise, he will play one against the other. Kids want parents to be the responsible ones, which may include encouragement and may include grounding. Step back from the emotion and together decide what needs to be done. YOUR HUSBAND MUST, MUST MUST CONTINUE TO LOVE YOUR SON THROUGH THIS. This will pass. They will come to fond terms, if they don't give up on themselves. Unfortunately, most 16 year olds aren't mature enough to see the effects of their actions 10 years down the road. Keep loving through the pain. It will be worth it. From one who knows the hurt.