My husband has always been a big eater; as long as we've been together he's had the habits of midnight snacking, large meals, and junk-food breakfasts. Until last year, he had very active labor jobs (landscaping, janitorial, etc) and was able to keep his weight mostly under control. Then he graduated from college and got a desk job. He hasn't changed his eating habits, and has put on over 40 lbs. He was VERY fit when I met him, and I was a little curvy due to the antidepressents I had been taking (as soon as I got off, I lost 30lbs). Now I am the very, very fit one (I need to lose 6 1/2 lbs to be my ideal weight-- I am still dead center for BMI and have been since our son was 8 mos. old), and I find myself becoming fairly shallow about his appearance. The other day he had his shirt open and was rubbing his belly-- and he looked 8 mos. pregnant! I was totally grossed out. I don't like to have "body crush" sex, either. I make fairly healthy dishes when I cook, and my son and I snack on fruits and veggies in a fairly balanced way most days, and my husband will cheerfully have some of whatever healthy food I make-- then go pig out on cake or ice cream or corned beef hash later (and if my shopping trips don't bring it into the house, he'll spend money picking up junk on his way to work). I spoke to him about his weight, and his response was to "work out" several times a week at home by doing sit ups and push ups for ten minutes. He also very proudly announced that he'd been without sweets for three days-- until I pointed out to him that the egg nog he'd been drinking to the tune of a gallon in two days was 610 calories per (large) glass that he consumed. He snarfs a large value meal at a restaurant, then says he's been "good" all day and deserves a shake for dessert. What am I supposed to do? I do not want to be shallow-- he's a great guy in most other respects-- but my mother was grossly overweight and I watched it destroy our family and her health. I want my son to understand healthy! I also want to be attracted to my husband, and right now I'm NOT. He doesn't do doctors, so that's out, and I will not become a nag-- he resents it enough when I make occasional suggestions.
Oh, and he's 6'2 1/2, 248lbs, and he's only 27. He smokes some, too, although only outdoors and away from our son. I quit smoking when I got pregnant (he was supposed to, too, but...).
I just wanted to update this; I know that I put myself out there when I posted this, and I do appreciate what you've had to say. It's been good to get both commiseration and other points of view.
My husband: I know it's only been four weeks since I spoke with him as gently as possible about his weight, but he's been getting better every week. I took some of your suggestions and talked him into going to the YMCA as a family (we have a membership, but only my son & myself use it, unfortunately). Since then he went out and bought tennis shoes and has gone to work out on his own several times. Yay! He's also controlled his portion sizes a bit better; I noticed him turning down a shake the other day after I turned one down. I'm not sure that it's made a difference, yet, but the fact that he's moving into healthier habits is exciting! And I do love him. I just needed him to care more about himself!
Rent the movie/documentary SuperSize Me. That is a sure fire way to change his habits. Also, I would suggest working out together. Once he loses 10 pounds and sees and feels the difference, he will want to keep losing.
A., you will probably get a lot of letters responding to your plight. Since your husband is about 27, you are also about the same age. I am 47 and I have a husband who has had similar yet not so pronounced issues for the 15 years that we have been together. I understand your frustration. What I have learned is that no amount of nagging or gentle reminders will help. No pleading, crying or threatening will help. The only thing that will make a difference is you showing a good example and rise to the occasion and giving him unconditional acceptance. I know thats hard or impossible when his appearance grosses you out. Just try not to let this issue destroy your marriage through the nagging. It may ruin your relationship simply because you cannot live with it anymore, but at least it won't be because you drove him away.
Your husband must want to change because he wants to be better for HIMSELF, not for you. Buying him self help books doesn't work either. !!! Nothing works. I'm giving you no hope based upon your description. Your husband may spontaneously snap out of it and begin to care for himself. I don't really think you are being shallow about what you want however, you need to really know if his appearance is bothering you because of the embarrassment it is causing you or because of the looming health issues. You need to take "YOU" out of the equation. Maybe you are a little too concerned about your BMI. I don't know. The real issue isn't the weight but the non nutritive garbage he is puttin ginto his body. You might look into the raw food lifestyle for yourself and your son.
Anyway, step back, let him dig his own grave and just know that you took yourself out of the equasion. There are a whole lot of us out there with really fat husbands. None of us ever believe its a reflection on the wife. All men are created nearly eaqual as to the amount of garbage they will put into their bodies and then laugh about it. If you can't live with it, then leave him and be alone. You probably won't find another man any differnt. They are all slobs, we just have to live with it.
I do not think for his height he is grossly overweight or anything. I think people are way too judgemental regarding a person's size. Life is too short to focus on such things. My suggestion is to love your husband for who he is and cherish him. Cook healthy, pack healthy snacks and tell him you love him regardless of his weight, but you do worry a bit about his health.
Hi A.,
Well, I've been there my husband same weight/height. This is not the advice you are wanting but I was in the same situation 3 yrs ago. His doctor told Brian he needed to lose weight or he was a ticking time bomb. Well, Brian started exercising to such an extreme that it took time away from my children and my relationship w/ my husband. He got down to 190 lbs within months and was very proud of himself. I guess a lot of women at his work and woman in his MBA program started noticing him. He had a new self-confidence and liked the attention. To the point he was putting me down telling me I need to get down to 110 lbs and look the way I did when were 1st married. I'm 5ft4in and 125-128lbs I look great for a mom of 2 at the age of 34. People all the time are shocked that I have 2 kids. Well, I guess temptations took over and he ended up having an affair w/ a woman he runs w/ at his work. I found out about the other woman from my 5 yr old daughter. Now, after 12 yrs of marriage we are divorced and he is living w/ the other woman. I understand circumstances may be completely different and your husband would not cheat. I never thought I would be here either. So, I guess my advice is appreciate your husband for who he is that is what love is about. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Remember beauty always fades at some point. I understand the health concerns, so maybe try to work out together.
I wish you the best!
R.
Try reading the book "You On a Diet" by Mehmet Oz and Michael Roizen. It explains details about what to eat and why, what to avoid and why, how to snack healthy, and has meal plans that are great. Maybe your husband is eating so much because he's not feeling full. Suggest a handfull of nuts (walnuts are great because they have omega 3) 20 minutes before he eats lunch and dinner. It should help him feel more satisfied by a regular meal. This and other tips are in the book. Good luck getting your fit husband back. =)
My husband was the same way. He doesn't weigh as much though. I was a little bigger then I am now too. I still don't eat that great but I try more than him. I would just continue to buy the healthy foods. Maybe buy him a couple of sweet but not totally unhealthy foods. Like get him lowfat or low sugar/no sugar snacks. get yogurt instead of ice cream. try and get as many low cal snacks as you can. Don't keep cakes and brownies and stuff like that around the house. Ask him what kinds of snack foods he would like but, at least somewhat healthy. High salt and sodium is also bad. Tell him that you are worried about him not that it is just his appearance. Just try and talk with him and ask him if he feels alright like that, how unhealthy it can be for him. But don't let it push you two away from each other. Maybe he is having an issue with work. Just communicate.
Hope any of this helps.
Good Luck
N.
I feel for you! I met mine when he was slim and trim and looked like a work-out fiend. It turns out that he has naturally big biceps and hasn't worked out since he was 20 (he's 42 now)! He was thin because he'd lost a ton of weight in his divorce. FALSE ADVERTISING!
I am not grossed out by the growing belly (it was perfectly flat) but I AM worried about his health and the eating habits he demonstrates for his kids. I am busy trying to get fruits and vegetables into them, he is snarfing chocolates and gingerale in front of them for breakfast. I do bring some unhealthy snack stuff into the house (ice cream bars, cookies, etc) but we limit the kids to once a day. Unfortunately, he doesn't limit himself to once a day! I get up almost every morning and find the remains of a pig-out on the kitchen table. He wakes up after I've fallen asleep and comes down for TV & treats!
I finally hired a work-out guy to come once a week to work him out. So far that's the only night of the week he does, but the guy did a BMI on him (yikes) and also his sitting heart rate. Neither was particularly good, and he's starting to get the idea. How long until he translates the idea into action is anybody's guess!
Anyway, I'm just commiserating. I have NO IDEA how you can correct this behavior. I'm a complete failure in my home. I think that he feels entitled to the food he likes, and deprived if he can't have it. If I fight him too much, I'm the instrument of deprivation. I can't win either way...
I'm just hoping that eventually he will gross himself out and decide to change his ways...I'll be watching the suggestions here in hopes they will help us too...
The more someone gets on your about your weight, the less you want to do something about it. Simple as that. So don't even bother. Just work with him to have your wills and life insurance policies in place. You can tell him why if you like, but keep it to the facts and be non-judgemental.
My husband started gaining (after all, we are in our late 40's now and both of us have). I started riding bikes a lot and my husband enjoys doing whatever I come up with. The more cycling I did, the better shape we both became because of the fun weekend trips to rails for trails and other great bike touring places. The kids have also gotten in great shape and we have fun as a family.
On the flip side, my pelvis was broken in September this year and my weight has jumped a LOT because I was suddenly inactive. My sweet husband has not said a single thing about me looking gross with the extra weight even though I think I do and none of my clothes fit. That's the proof that he loves me unconditionally. The point is, search your heart and decide if you can love your husband unconditionally, through thick and thin? How would you want him to treat you? Good luck!
I'm with Jennifer. My husband has not eaten McDonalds in nearly two years due to watching the Supersize Me movie. He has also eaten very little other fast food. You just have to hope there is not an underlying depression issue that needs worked on that may be causing these habits. Good luck to you!
When I was on E-diets trying to lose weight with that program, I read things like this everyday only it was usually a woman and the advice was vastly different except for a couple here.
These woman, hundreds of them would jump on and say that her husband was such a jerk and he should only care about the womans health and not the looks. They would go on and on about how he needed to support her.
I don't have the answers here because I am the one that has a problem in my house. I don't do fast food often and I do exercise in one way or another and sometimes to extreme. The hurtful things my husband used to say nearly ruined our marriage and we barely made it through.
I agree with the poster here that said when a person is making comments and trying to push the would be dieter into making better choices, it only gets worse and some things will get ate because the temptation is great to feel you can't change, aren't loved for who you are, so you may as well forget about it.
I probably would be super skinny if only I had learned how to always be good and not go through those times of depression and giving up. I always start in again but it seems that some of us have to be good 100% of the time to make any changes and it's awfully hard to be perfect.
If you love him, leave him alone and pray.
Suzi
This will be a little more work on your part, but the first thing you can try is to pack lunches and snacks for him. Most of the time, I know if I have food with me, I am very unlikely to stop and get something else. I don't want to waste the food I have with me, and don't want to spend money on something else.
You can also try joining a gym or the YMCA as a family. That way you can help to motivate him, and monitor his workout frequency and intensity at the same time.
Most of the time all it takes is getting out of the rutt that you are in, and having someone to pull you out always helps.
Hope this helps!
J.
