Need Advice - Park Ridge,NJ

My birth mom passed when I was 6 and even though she and my dad were never divorced her family never really liked him.
They also wanted to see me at the holidays (and oh he was welcome to tag along) He tried it once and it did not go very well. So, what he ended up doing was sending me to visit for a couple of weeks in the summer. Something to consider.

I don't think you necessarily have to go along, but I do think you should continue the rotation with his family. Sorry if that means you have to spend some holidays "alone," but this is about the kids and you just have to suck it up.

As a child of suicide I truly respect how my father balanced our holidays, ensuring that we spent time with my maternal grandparents during what was painful visits for him. We were, father included, close to my mom's parent's, but I realized as I got older how hard it was for him to maintain that relationship with them. Simply because we were all hurting so much. In some ways it was easier for us to keep close to my grandparents because we were teens and soon had our own transportation.

You do not have to spend the holidays alone - in fact, I would encourage you to attend the holidays with your children and their extended family. In part, to ensure that the visit does not become an extended eulogy to your late ex-husband, especially if these are the first holidays since his passing, but also because when the extended family comes together it makes it easier on the children.

It is horrible to loose a parent as a child. Knowing that all the remaining family that you have can be together in a loving way truly helps with security and healing.

JMHO

Good Luck
God Bless

Hugs to you in this difficult situation!

I know this is a super difficult and uncomfortable time, and it's totally ok to feel uncomfortable, but it may be a blessing for you.

You say that there was respect and courtesy. If you were really the "bad guy", that probably wouldn't have been the case. It's possible it was just "easier" for them to have distance during the past couple of years because of the situation. If this is the case, they are opening their arms and hearts to you now more freely because they don't have to worry about upsetting anyone by being openly friendly with you. Most families can't deal well with both sides in a divorce situation. I was lucky in that my mother's parents were able to welcome my dad into their home on holidays and that my mother was ok with it.

This first year is going to be awkward. If you have good communication with them, talk to them NOW about how awkward you feel. You may be surprised by their feelings. They may be feeling the same way. They want ALL of you in their lives, or they would not have asked all of you to come.

After the pain, there may be some true love and joy growing here. I wish you the best.

My guess is that you were never the "bad guy" in your in laws eyes, they may have just felt they had to be on their son's side during the split while he was alive. I don't know how old you're kids are but I'm wondering how they feel about the situation? You might want to take that into consideration too. I think it sounds like a great idea for you to have dinner with them and and then have them go to your ex-in law's for dessert, but would they be comfortable there without you? You have all been through a tragedy and I'm sure your ex in laws are just as nervous as you, but kudos to them and you for even considering this. Even if it doesn't work out for the exact holiday, there may still be a way for the kids and them to maintain a relationship. Just be sure that your kids are comfortable with whatever arrangement you decide on and that you have something to do to keep your mind off not being with your kids.

Follow your heart. You sound like a reasonable person that is just trying to do the best for your kids, so follow your heart. :)

Were you close to them at one point? If they are opening their home to you for the holidays it's a nice gesture. Maybe they didn't really think you were the bad guy....just needed someone to blame. I don't think you need to stay if you are that uncomfortable but I would try to stay just for a quick cup of coffee or something. It will never get easier unless you try. Even if you don't stay in the furture I think it will be less uncomfortable if you hang out for a bit to break that ice. Sometimes stepping outside our comfort zones does a ton to surprise us.

I urge you to go with the children for Thanksgiving. I think that you'll find that with time you will be comfortable. It's time to heal.

D., I understand. I think that what you should consider is working out a schedule. Your Thanksgiving dinner can be a different time than theirs. Kids have to eat 3 meals a day - let them have either the lunch or the dinner with you. Tell the family this. If you can be flexible, then that's great.

If they have, say, a 2:00 lunch, then send the kids after breakfast, let them eat, and then pick them up to spend dinner with you.

Perhaps you could stand to spend an hour with them at Christmas around your other activities?

I don't know anything about the circumstances or reasons for his suicide, but it appears that they aren't blaming you for it. Be grateful for that, considering you mention that "all of a sudden, I am no longer the bad guy and am welcome". It could have easily been one of those awful family situations where someone starts screaming that around. So, I think maybe it would be nice to try to visit them a little.

I hope you all get through the coming holidays.

Dawn

Do what YOU wish.
As a Mom with your kids.
THEN after that, you can ALL go see them.
They should.... understand.
You are reasonable.
It is a reasonable wish.
Or if you can, tell them you still feel sad/uneasy/uncomfortable.

Grieving, takes time.
They SHOULD understand.
They still want to be a 'family'... and are including you.
But let them know.. you are still grieving.
It is normal.

I think it would be ok to let them know you want to establish your own traditions with the children. But I agree with Nicole that you should at least stay for a little bit and visit. If you find that it was too uncomfortable, you don't have to continue to do that.
Is your family too far away to go there while your children are visiting the in-laws?
It is good that they children have these people still in their lives.

My best friend recently lost her ex husband to suicide, and she has been so devastated - my heart goes out to you.
I think that you should do whatever feels right for you. It has only been one year. It is not like you could not do things differently in time. Everyone deals with grief in a different way. They need to be understanding of your own way of dealing with it. I think it is very considerate and wonderful of you to think of the option of letting your kids go visit with them after you have your own holiday with them alone. I think that anything you feel is okay, even if it is "irrational" or selfish, they are your feelings and by letting them run their course, you will be in a better place. Start with being true to your heart and then you may be surprised what doors can open in the future ... who knows you may eventually want to reconnect with them? If they are not understanding then chances are they will lose the chance to be part of your life.
Best of luck to you and I hope you bask in the love of your children on Thanksgiving.

This sounds very hard for you to do. But aren't the kids better off with you there with them? This way they will have the security of mom close by and you can keep an eye on it all. Maybe with time you can let them go by themselves. If you want Thanksgiving dinner with your kids you can always tell them you will drop by later for dessert. Sounds like you need to make some clear cut decisions about the whole thing, not just for holiday time. If you want your kids to know these people, grandparents, etc. then you need to know more about how they will treat them, therefore you being around would be even more important. Are their standards and values the same as yours? Anyway, you have a lot to think about. Blessings to you and your's.

Well, you'll always be connected to these people because of your children so if you could go and forge/strengthen relationships with them, that would be ideal. However, I think if you're very uncomfortable going over there, it would be ok for you to politely decline and just tell them that you have plans with your own family or friends. Just be sure to thank them for the invite and of course the children should go after their dinner with you.

Wow, this is a tough one. I'm trying to figure out what I'd do if I found myself in your position. If you have really been treated as the bad guy, then I can understand your discomfort. And it also appears that the grandparents love your children and want to remain in their lives, so they have found ways to heal from whatever ill will came of your divorce.

You have every right to have your own private celebrations. And the holidays are not only about you, but about building memories for your children. I think I would hold all of that in my heart for awhile, and then make a decision that takes account of my own needs, my children's, and the paternal grandparents' needs. If you decide to go, and it really does not go well or seem positive or healing, you can adjust your plans for future holidays accordingly.

I'm incredibly grateful to be included in my grandson's life. And I had a granny who was incredibly important to me growing up. Life without either of them would be much diminished for me.

you need to make it work, this has nothing to do with you, it's about your kids & their other family.....they didn't ask for this

It's natural that they took sides when he was alive. I'm sure that the fact that he committed suicide made it real to them that he was more to blame for the break up. But does it matter anymore? You aren't the bad guy and they are still family to your children. I think you need to be a peace maker as the good book says and go over there and break the ice.

However you feel is okay. And whatever you do this year does not mean you have to do that every year, or every holiday. So when you do decide, tell your former in-laws that you want the children to have a good relationship with them, and "this is what I am comfortable with and would like to do this year."

I can imagine it is quite difficult. For the sake of your children, please go.
Cannot change the past, but you do have control of the future. Your children
deserve a relationship with their family. I am sure everyone is still hurting
so much and the one thing you do not want to do is make things worse.
Hugs to you.

Hugs to you in this difficult situation!

I know this is a super difficult and uncomfortable time, and it's totally ok to feel uncomfortable, but it may be a blessing for you.

You say that there was respect and courtesy. If you were really the "bad guy", that probably wouldn't have been the case. It's possible it was just "easier" for them to have distance during the past couple of years because of the situation. If this is the case, they are opening their arms and hearts to you now more freely because they don't have to worry about upsetting anyone by being openly friendly with you. Most families can't deal well with both sides in a divorce situation. I was lucky in that my mother's parents were able to welcome my dad into their home on holidays and that my mother was ok with it.

This first year is going to be awkward. If you have good communication with them, talk to them NOW about how awkward you feel. You may be surprised by their feelings. They may be feeling the same way. They want ALL of you in their lives, or they would not have asked all of you to come.

After the pain, there may be some true love and joy growing here. I wish you the best.

You don' t have to do anything as you are the mom.
What I think about is my child seeing his cousins, aunts, uncles & having
a connection to his/her family.
Having said that.....it can be on your terms.
I do not think I would ever send my kids w/o me.
No way but that is me.
If you do not feel comfortable going, how about inviting them to your house?
They get to see the kids, you feel comfortable on your turf & your kids grow up w/family: cousins, aunt, uncles etc.
I am sorry for what has happened to your family and for what you are going through honey.

I think you are onto a good idea; having Thanksgiving dinner with your kids then visiting their father's family later. If his family would like to visit your children and have a quality relationship with them, it doesn't have to be limited to holidays. All the best and hope your children don't feel pulled in opposite directions.

Your ex-husband altered his childrens lives forever and you are the remaining parent picking up the pieces and moving forward. I would do what you want to do and not what you feel is expected of you during this holiday season. You can have the kids spend time with their dad's side of the family anytime throughout the year and even for a couple of weeks during the summer. If the idea of getting together and spending time with people that remind you of past hurts is too much for you to handle, decline this years holiday invitations and do something fun with the kids! Make new traditions moving forward that you and the kids are all comfortable doing together.

Let the grandparents know that you would like to have a T-giving dinner with you and your kids alone. Suggest to them to visit for brunch and time with the kids and you. Or if that won't work have the dinner around 3:30ish and invite them for dessert. This is what we do for all 5 of my siblings and their kids. It works well. Good Luck!

I would go. So many children get separated from extended family when a death of a parent occurs. You should not have to be alone. Go with them or tell the ex inlaws you will bring them at "X" time and have your own traditions with the kids. I would not keep them away from his family because of you being lonely. If your uncomfortable don't go but don't keep the kids away. the family may be inviting you because they are afraid you will keep the kids away from them. Ok is whatever you make it. they can see the kids when you say so. but don't go out of your way to make your dinner at exacly the same time as theres. or maybe tell the inlaws you will come for dessert.

I'm sorry for your children losing their Father. It sounds like you are trying to do what is best for you and not thinking about your kids. Your kids need a relationship with their Grandparents. Remember the more people that love your kids the better your kids will turn out!! Quit making this about you and put your kids needs first. Let your kids see their Grandparents.

Hi D.,
I think you have a lot of things to consider. If it was me the first thing I would consider (depending on their age) is talking to my children and see how they would feel about going over their dad's family. Of course I would do it in a positive matter. I would then consider going as a family, all together and make the best of it. If you guys are not ready for a whole night there, then have it at home and go afterwards and bring a dessert with you. Let them know that you won't make it to dinner but you would love to bring dessert and spend a little time with them.
I would like to be there because I want to make sure my children are at ease and everything goes smooth and it would be a good opportunity to get reaquainted with them.
Don't stress about this. If you can't do dinner, if you don't feel up to it, then just go for a little while :) Take a step at a time, with what you and your children feel more comfortable with.

do what you want dont feel pressured in to anything have dinner with kids and then drop them off there wondering how old they are ?

Hi D. S.
You are the mom. The kids need you. You do not have to rotate. You can include them in your holiday plans. Do not feel guilty. The kids need you, I will repeat. write me if you want support. I feel very clear and strong about this, truly. I say this from love.
as an aside, My dad let himsef die when I was 9 so I really understand.
Jilly

I took a deep breath after reading this. I'm sorry for everything and hope you remain positive always.

My gut feeling is to always let his family take the kids for the holildays. I'm sure that naturally they will see them less and less from now on so of that is the one thing they've got to hold on to let them have it and let it go.

Regardless of who was the good guy or bad guy, he left a deep and open hole forever. Let all your emotions that built during the divorce, etc go away. You will feel better about yourself and the kids I'm sure will never forget your unselfishness.

Many blessings to you and your children. Take care.