My Son Will NOT Use the Potty...

I had the same request not long ago! I tried everything too - coaxing, bribery, etc. He was also 3 1/2. Once my son decided that he wanted to be a big boy, he started going to the potty! So far at home he hasn't had any major accidents. (He's still working on going to the potty at his grandparents) It doesn't seem like it will ever happen but trust me it will happen in his own time!

My son is 22 and a great kid -- going to college and getting ready to travel the world -- in hopes of creating peace and unity. However -- when he was 3.5 he pretty much refused to use the bathroom. I would find him running into the back yard -- and he would pee out there. Eventually -- he took a bowel movement out there. I had him take papertowel and clean it up. A couple of times of this -- and he decided the toiled was easier. With boys - it's all about the slow down. Bathroom is an interruption. What I had to do -- was make any other option a great deal slower than if he had just gone to the restroom. Good luck with him! Enjoy him -- and ignore all others!! People will be full of advice -- but only you know how precious he really is - and in the scheme of things -- he will outgrow this -- in his own time -- not theirs!

I'm in the same boat. My daughter is 3 1/2 & just this month started using the potty. What finally worked for me is when we found out her friend is using the potty. We really didn't know anyone that used the potty so when I told her that her friend just got a potty that was it. I ended up just putting her in panties cause she would get frustrated with the diaper. She would pee then tell me & want to go on the potty but she'd already gone. So the 1st week was hard. She would wear panties start to pee stop herself & then finish on the potty. So lots of messes but it didn't last long. If you go that route keep in mind they might sit on the toilet for awhile before they pee again. We went to target & bought some stuff out of the dollar bins & some dum dum suckers as her treats. Now we are working on poop. She doesn't poop in the toilet. If you want to hear more call me. I tried condensing it. Email me & I'll give you my #.
M.

Back off. My daughter wouldn't use the potty until she was over four years old. I know how hard and frustrating it is but please be patient. All my friends' kids were potty trained first but now my daughter is doing great. And she will start kindergarten in the fall. Your little boy will get there and when it happens the time you spent worrying about it will not seem so long. Hang in there.

Get a potty book, a potty show if possible, and go potty shopping with him, let him pick out his own potty so he gets excited about itpick out big boy undies too. Then when you have to go, take him with you. When he goes in the potty, make a real big deal out of it, I really think positive reinforcement works better than negative consequences, so if he loves hugs and kisses use that. If he's like my son, use chocolate, I have mini m&m's that I give him if he goes pee or poop in the potty. It helps with counting too, he knows he gets two when he goes, but lately he's been asking for three, I'm impressed that he knows three is after two, so I usually give in and give him the third.

But if you're real serious about starting potty training take away the diaper or pull-up during the day (except for nap while he's still learning) and have him sit on his potty every hour. I've heard of people who even have their kid naked throughout the day while their potty training, hey, whatever works, right?

Good luck & know that tons of accidents are going to happen, so don't let it frustrate you. And whoever watches him while you're at work needs to be on the same page as you with the potty training.

Hello!
I have twin girls who will turn 3 in July and I had the same problem for the longest time and just pretty much gave up. But not long ago that I read a response from a lady to a similar question, and she just said take the diaper away one morning. I did just that and told the girls that they are big girls and compared them to their cousin (who is 6) and that she also uses the potty. It was like a miracle, they both are so good, they run around the house in underwear all the time and use the potty (accidents happen occasionally.) It has been now 3 weeks without diaper. I use only diaper at bedtime. I believe that they were now ready, not earlier. Just try this and keep plenty of underwear handy. Good Luck

Drop it. Your son will not go to high school in diapers, and the more you make this into a control issue the more you're going to be on the losing end. Trust me, you don't want to get into issues regarding the bathroom use or food. Your child will always win.

I just got this in my email from a parenting site I subscribe to. Hope it helps :-)

**************************************************************

Potty Training Doesn't Have to Be a Pain!

Potty training doesn't have to be a frustrating experience for either you or your child. Listed below are some quick guidelines:

Little children copy what they see their parents doing. That’s why it's so important to let your tots see you using the potty…and having a good time doing so. (While this may be a bit embarrassing for some, the results are well worth the discomfort.)

Offer lots of choices. For example, "Do you want to use the upstairs potty or downstairs potty?" "Do you want to bring your favorite toy or leave it in your room?" The more small choices we give, the less resistant our kids will be.

Remain calm and empathetic when accidents happen. Punishment never works when it comes to potty training.

Allow your child to train at their own pace. Some kids are ready before they are two years old; others aren't ready until they are around four. When we try to force the issue before our children are ready, frustration is all we will achieve.

In our Early Childhood Package we provide many additional practical tips for keeping things fun while parenting children birth through six. www.loveandlogic.com

Thanks for reading.

Dr. Charles Fay

It will happen when he is ready. Mom of four boys here, 26 to 8. . Potty training should not even be considered before 3 1/2 with boys. They just aren't ready. When he is ready it will be a breeze. Don't rush him. Militant, "my way or the highway" parenting ALWAYS backfires during the teen years. Poor Julie!

You answered your own question...he'll start when he's ready. Just remember, nobody has ever gone to college in diapers. :)

My oldest son was the same way. At the time he was into Darth Maul from Star Wars. I asked him if he wanted Darth Maul underwear and he excitedly said YES! I told him that he couldn't pee or poop on Darth Maul because he would be upset and from the time I put those underwear on that boy - not an accident and potty-trained since (he's 12 now).

My youngest son who is 3 1/2 now had a problem going potty as well. He would pee in the potty but not poop. My sister helped with him and she started taking him to the bathroom every 20 min and let him sit on the potty for about 5 min. After a solid 2 weeks of this he has been going to the bathroom by himself. He put up a fight in the beginning but you just have to stick to it. My doctor told me the best time to have the children use the restroom is 15-20min after they eat.

I'm sorry but I must reply to the "hosem' down" theory posted earlier. This is nothing short of cruel and humiliating to the child. I find it abusive.

I also have a 3 1/2 yo son who doesn't want to potty train and I would never think of hurting him to force a reaction. Hang in there...soon both of our boys will be potty trained and life will go on.

We use a sticker chart & that has really helped...rewards not punishment on this issue! Good Luck :)

Both my sons pretty much used the potty when they were ready, between 3 1/2 and 4. One method I tried was letting them choose their big boy underwear, making a big deal about it and then having to throw it away when they went to the bathroom in them. It makes them think about having to lose something that they were really excited about. Unfortunately, underwear are more expensive than diapers, so it really is only a great thing if they are really close to being ready. Or there is always the letting them run around without diapers on, so that they have more of an idea of how messy going to the bathroom is, and how much easier it is to go in the toilet. Otherwise, I really would just leave it up to them. You don't want to stress them out too much about it, because then they really dig in. When it's their choice, everyone is happier. It may take a little longer, but they get it eventually. A wise person once told me, "They're not going to grade school without knowing how to use the bathroom. It just won't happen." It's a little more inconvenient to take the no stress route, but in the long run, I think it's healthier.

Hi! I have 3 kids, ages 9, 4 and 11 months. My oldest 2 both potty trained at exactly the same time-age 3 1/2. The oldest I really pressured, bribed, did everything possible to go and he just wouldn't till 3 1/2! My daughter I decided to let her go when she wanted and she was trained at the same time my son who I fought so hard with. In the end I just realized that no matter what I offered them (stamps, stickers, candy, money, toys, you name it!), they trained when they wanted to and when they were ready. Even though it was a drag that they waited awhile to do this, I have to say that accidents have been few and far between. Hang in there! I'm sure you son will committ soon, it just never feels like it will ever happen.

Being the mom of 4 children, almost all grown, I felt like I was NOT going to PUSH my kids to use the potty....I was told and knew that they probably would not go to school in diapers. LOL ;-)

So, with #1 daughter (now 21/& married 2 years), she pretty much did it on her own at approx. 2 1/2 years old. #2 Son, now 18 and just graduating...did it on his own at approx. 3 years old....no pushing, nagging...just a little "coaching"...then then were #3 & #4 our boy/girl twins, now 15 1/2...they were in this potty-thing together and just weren't interested in it at all. I begin to worry just a little because they were 4 and still not very interested...but without being too pushy with them, just a little coaching, by 4 1/2 they were easy to communicate with and they were trained with Pee and Poop all at once....I really liked NOT stressing about it myself as well as letting the kids do it "in their own time"....created a nicer atmosphere!!!

Hello L. ...

I can hear the frustration and worry in your voice as you reach out for help with this issue. I've taught parent eduaction classes for the past 27 years and I always get lots of questions about potty training. You're absolutely right about not "making" him sit on the toilet/potty. That approach will just backfire.
At this point, the less you focus on the issue, the better. Just continue to be a role model and keep the bathroom door open when you or your husband are in there so he can see that it's just a normal part of everyday life. Don't mention a word about what you're doing, just let him "see" what needs to take place in the bathroom. If you have a potty chair for him, you may want to put it away for a while. He may suddenly miss it and ask that his special chair come back out of the closet!
Try your best to relax and have confidence that he will do things when the timing is right for him. And, hopefully, your pediatrician is giving you some help and guidance.

Hang in there,
M. K.

P.S. L., if you know anyone who would like some Free coaching and mentoring and wants to work part time from home, please let me know. Thank you.

I have trained several kids and they all learn in their own time. Things that may help is put them in underwear not diapers so they are aware when they go to the bathroom and if you catch them starting get them to the potty and praise praise not scold them. If you are worried about the mess you can put them in underwear and a diaper over it the point is that they can feel themselves wet which they can't in a diaper alone. Summer is a great time to try when it is hot out and they don't have to wear a lot of clothing. Also make sure you have a potty in what ever room your child spends the most time in let them become confident with it even sitting on it to watch tv or read a book. I kept a jar of m&m's in the bathroom and they got one if they tried two if they went and three if they made a poop on the potty. Once they go a couple of times they get the idea. With boys I find a lot is they are just too busy playing they don't like to stop for anything. Be patient and good luck.

My son was fine with going pee pee on the potty, but he wouldn't go poop on the potty. I instituted a "Poo Poo" toy box. Whenever he was brave enough to go poo poo on the potty, he got to pick a prize from the toy box. I just bought cheap trinkets - nothing fancy. In fact, he started putting some of his toys in the toy box so he could pick them out later. It worked like a charm for him. Good luck!
R.

I know he is 3 1/2 but what's the rush? The more you "push" him the longer it will take in the long run. I do have a few friends who used the "hosem' down method." When the kid peed in his underpants, they took him outside and hosed him down to clean up with cold water. This only works if the kid is potty trained but "choosing" to not use the toilet- having too much fun playing.

Hello L. -
I don't have much advice, but want to let you know that it will happen soon. My twin boys will be 4 in July. One just flat out refused to use the potty. He would occasionally go poop, but never pee in the potty. 5 days ago, I just decided to put him in underwear and see how it goes.......... well he is doing a GREAT job, only about 1 pee accident a day. And "standing" up while peeing works best for him (I was having him try to sit like his brother goes). I have never pressured him (don't think thats right). Suddenly, it was just time. Hang in there, his time will come soon.
Take care,
C.

L.,

I am a mommy of 3 and I have worked with kids since I was 11. I spent 3 years as the Potty Training Teacher at a large day care in the Seattle area. Please trust me when I say that the potty is one of the very few areas that a child has total control. 3 1/2 is the average age for a first born boy to even START potty training. The more of a struggle he sees it is, the more he will regress, and refuse. Although it feels imposible, the single best way to handle it is to let it go. I have yet to see a kid in kindergarten in diapers!
If not already in some sort of playgroup, or day care with kids that are potty trained, now would be a great time to get him into one. Seeing the other kids doing it will help his confidence, and inspire him to do it too. Letting him see his mommy TOTALLY go overboard when "Johnny" goes potty will give him the extra boost he needs (but PLEASE DO NOT point out to your son that he should/could be doing it too, this will only put the power right back in his hands to not do it). Praise the other child greatly, and then go right back to whatever you were doing before, NO pointing anything out to your son...

Making potty time fun is criticle. toss a handfull of Cheerio's in the toilet and let him aim at them (they are completely safe for all septic/sewer systems) or even just a single square of TP. An M&M or 2 if he goes pee and a couple more if he goes poop. Read a book while sitting on the toilet passes the time. Getting a small training potty chair for him to sit on while you sit on the large one will help make the connection too.

It will happen soon enough. Patience is the best approach! (My girlfreind forced her daughter to potty before she was ready and to this day ~she's 11 now ~ she will poop in her pants to "show" her mom when she gets mad for not getting what she wants!!!)

Good luck!

H.

Hi Lauren,
I agree with Holly. Make potty training a big deal. Also have lots of options- the little potty, the toliet ring, or standing. Take your son to Target, or any clothing store, and have him pick out a ton of "Big Boy Pants". Once you have these there is no turning back. Let him play with them, wear them on your head, laugh about the funny pics on the butts! When you get home, put on the "big boy pants" and be prepared for accidents. Don't make a fuss just clean up change pants and move on- No Diapers. I know this sounds weird but it helped to see it in action, I sent my son into the bathroom with all the men in his life, see all guys pee in the toliet, and stand up- Dad was even willing to use the cheerios for target practice. He was only useing the potty within 20 days. He was three and two months.
Two weeks ago I started my daughter, who is two and 1/2. She is doing great. She loves her big girl pants, and tries on different ones, like shoes. Week 1 we had accidents because she would only use the little potty, now she is using any potty we can find. The car is our biggest problem, but she loves running to the potty, even her big brother helps. I plan on having the carpets cleaned a the end of the month.
Once you decide to do it, do it! Good Luck!

Hi L.:

Most of the moms on here seem to have good advice. Just be patient. His time will come. If you try to force the issue it will just become a battle of wits and since this is something (one of very few) that your son can control, he will will the battle.

A few things I would suggest is putting him in underwear. Make a big deal about his "big boy pants". My kids hated it so much when they had an accident in their underwear, that they learned VERY quickly to go in the toilet. And becuase he is a boy, you can be a little more creative. Throw some cheerios or fruit loops in the toilet (not too many) and see if he'll pee on them. My son thought this was the funniest thing. And we also had a "poopy dance"; any time he went poop, mommy did the poopy dance. Cheesy, but he loved it. And I always made sure they got a special treat when they went. I kept a small bowl of potty treats in the bathroom and they got to choose one each time they went.
Boys tend to take a little longer than girls, but if you stay positive and offer praise, you will save yourself tons of stress. Hopefully some of this helps. Good luck and remember, this too shall pass.

He may not be ready yet. I suggest you give him a break. Just tell him that you're not worried about it and you know he'll start using the potty when he is ready. In about a month, ask him if he'd like to try again. If he does, make sure that you really push the positive reinforcement.... rewards, charting etc. You have to really incent him with something that is important to him.

In both my children's case, clothing was a huge thing to them at that time -- they were both particular about what they liked to wear. If they kept their pants dry, they could wear what they wanted (within reason). But if they wet their pants, I had them wear something I knew they didn't like. It worked REALLY well. They felt really good about themselves, and we didn't have to make a big deal about accidents, they just couldn't wear their favorite clothes. Obviously, you just have to find what is important to your own kid at the time.

Hi L., if a parent is being a parent, then there should never be any such thing as a child won't or will not, by allowing that you are allowing your child to star a habit of flat out defiance. Do you make him pick up his toys? if so make him sit on that potty, by his ahe he should be using the toilet. I have 3 kids they were trainned by 21 months, 19 months and 22 months, my husband and I had already decided before i was ever pregnant that we would not have any 2 year olds not potty training or in diapers. J.

Hi L.,

Boys tend to train later than girls. Just relax and do what you're doing - don't make a big deal out of it. It will happen eventually and if you make a big deal out of it that could lead to issues later. You can give him gentle rewards when he does go but no punishment.

V.