My Son and His Occasional Outrages!

I am reading a great book on this exact problem. I have a 5 year old with the same temperament, and trust me, it only gets worse. The book is "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child" I'm half way through and it's already working. I used to spend all my time with warnings, second chances, arguing, bribery, threatenings, until I finally just lost it and started screaming and throwing him into his room. This book is teaching me how to cut all that out and move from a clear message, to an action step right away. These types of kids need very clear boundaries and have to know the bottom line right away. Their whole goal in life is to test you, so you have to be firm and strong without getting angry and engaging him in a power struggle. My daughter is not nearly so trying. She has occasional outbursts, but for the most part wants to do what's right, so not every child is like your son, and he's completely normal. (although I've often thought my son had the devil in him, too) :) I got the book off of amazon. Good Luck!

I feel for you and what you are going through! My daughter, now 7, did the same things as your son! She still has occasional fits, but not as bad now. With her I have tried to really pay attention to how she is responding throughout the day. She is very sensitive to being overstimulated. Most of her huge fits, had to do with her being hungry, tired or overstimulated. Once I figured that out, I would "check" our sitiuation, like think, when was her last meal or snack, is it time for a quiet time, etc. As far as time out, that was the hardest thing, as she would also not stay in time out and would be violent just as you describe. Finally I read in a book, that I was letting her control me. So I bought a simple kitchen round timer (you know the kind you wind up and it dings at the end) And I put her in time out, put a minute for her age, 4 minutes for 4 year old and told her the rules. If she screams, kicks, hits, says mean things, gets out of time out, I add a minute. I explained the new rules when I bought the timer. The next time she had a huge fit,I put her in a fairly safe corner, and set the timer. She was in time out for 2 hours!!!!! It was a nightmare experience. But I held my ground, each time she came out of time out, I put her back, and showed her as I moved a minute up. Finally she got worn out, and finished her time out in time out corner, didn't cry or come out. She has never had a problem in time out since(she has tested me a few times, but the longest was 10 min, not 2 hours)She now knows when I say something, I mean it, I follow through. I never "threaten" time out, If she is doing something I just say, OH that is against family rules, go to time out. Sometimes I have heard her say, I don't care, I like time out. But I just ignore it, because time out is good for me too! It lets me calm down....gather my parenting thoughts. I have even put myself in time out!!!! I hope this helps! Good Luck.

I have the exact same issue with my 4 year old - and I think my 2 year old is on his way. A few weeks ago I checked out 'Love & Logic - Practical Parenting from Birth to 6 Years.' I have implemented some of the suggestions and I have been amazed at how well it is working! My kids are very strong-willed & stubborn. This book has helped me realize that my kids are exerting their independence & that the just want to feel in control of their own lives - as we all do. I've also realized that they have been feeding off of my frustration. This book has been a life-saver & I highly recommend reading it. It isn't too long & is very easy to get through. I also like that it has examples of dialogue for every day situations - it is a very practical guide. Good luck!

My son has had similar problems since he was little - he's now 7. He is usually sweet and loves playing with younger children, but has meltdowns when things don't go how he expects them to. I have recently realized that his emotional age is about 3 and so I deal with him that way - what would I expect a 3 year old to react, and how would I treat him. I try to prepare him for things coming up so he has time to adjust. When he flops I talk quietly to him and give him a couple of choices that are acceptable to me. He only needs to nod or shake his head if he's not ready to talk to me. I help him make his choice and to follow through. When he throws a tantrum I put him in his room till he calms down. He has also kicked the walls and thrown things. I will go in when he does that, and sometimes I have to physically hold him till he calms down (stops fighing me). When he calms down he is welcome to come out with the family.
I do have expectations for him to help with chores but I break them down into manageable chunks: put clothes in hamper; now put cars away; now put action figures away; job's done!
I tell him often that I love him, not just when he's being good but after he's had a rough time too. I also tell him how great he is and that I know he can do it (whatever it is he needs to do). We spend time just the 2 of us (I have 2 other kids).
It's a slow path, but I have noticed improvement. I just have to be patient and remember that my goal is a healthy child who will grow into a healthy adult, and I can remember that right now is just one day and he doesn't have to be perfect yet.
I hope this helps! Good luck!