My Son and His Mood

yep, this situation sucks! Been thru it, don't ever want to repeat it!

I don't have any answers other than to sit down with him & have a family intervention. We periodically had to do this with our oldest son....& it would help for a while (but not long!). They all stop listening at some point. Hounding & berating him does nothing....& just sets a miserable "tone" for the family & home.

I am amazed that he is not a driver. That was so important to our son! & you've already taken away the electronics.....which I firmly believe is the cause of the death of this generation (& the one before)! So what's left? I'm as stumped as you are!

BUT, I will say: NONE of his final decisions are the result of "bad" parenting or the effects of divorce. I truly believe those excuses are overworked & overused! He's approaching adulthood, he's been making choices for years now.....you are NOT responsible for his choices.

As parents, all we can do is try to instill our beliefs & practices in our children. Ultimately, they will make their own life choices....& are responsible for their own mistakes, hopefully learning from them.

With our son, we had to completely remove all financial support for him to get the picture. He was living on pennies at a time....which was absolutely ridiculous....& it was all because he couldn't get off his heinie & be productive. He ended up being removed from H.S by the administration due to lack of compliance...& then subsequently enrolled in the alternative school. It was thru this other school that he was able to graduate, completing all of the modules with excellent grades. Attendance was still an issue....simply because he flew thru the work & had nothing to keep him occupied!

Going back to your son, do some research. See what's required to join the military. Do all your homework so you can be ready to discuss this with him. BUT, make it clear that if this is what he wants, then he also has to do the research & be fully-informed......before it's discussed again.

My nephew joined the Navy last summer & will report to basic in May. Prior to making this career choice, he spent months researching the individual branches of the military & really thought about what he wanted to do after the military. He knew he did not want to attend college, but ended up chosing a division of the Navy which will require quite a bit of schooling. It has also required a lot of physical training which he's been working at since last summer. He now has muscles on top of muscles....& has increased his stamina to the point that we all are in awe of him! & that's what your son needs to do: take ownership of his life choices! If he wants to join the military....then it's time for him to be hitting the track & gym.

Oooops, one more thought: show him this forum! Let him read about what the other moms think....& their ideas to help him.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you Peace.

I just want to say, don't discount what he can do in the military. My son was much the same way. Very inconsistent grades. He is super smart though!!. He chose to join the Air Force and he tested high on the ASVAB. He then tested quite well on the Linguist testing they can take if they qualify. He is now at the DOD Linguitics school and is one of the youngest ones there. When he signed up, they cared that he graduated..not so much about his grades.

If he wants to join the military it may be the best thing for him. My son absolutely hated school and his attitude was frustrating. But he is really excited about his Air Force program, even though it is several months of classroom it was his decision and what HE WANTED TO DO. I was so amazed to see how much he has transformed after Basic Training...

BTW - my son turns 20 this month and has not had any college.

Wow.. imagine this, I am married to your son for 30 years! This is exactly the way my husband was in high school. We have always had the very same trash day that even his parents had.. It is Friday.. Last week on Thursday night, I reminded him to take out the trash, I even left 2 notes for in the morning! One on the bathroom mirror and 1 on his cell phone. .. Did not remember!!!!!!

Aaahg!!!!

I have actually known my husband since he was 13.. His parents went insane trying to get him to "just do it!" They would ask a 1000 times... "Why, why, why can you not remember? Why can't you stay on task?"

My husband has ADHD.. you never grow out of it. As a matter of fact as he ages it is becoming even harder for him to remember these everyday things.. His parents did not believe in drugs. They felt it was a crutch and that his diet would help.. So my husband is reluctant to get on meds. even to try them!

My husband is also extremely intelligent. He had a successful career in Television. After 20 years, he now works for the Police Dept. These are things that he was interested in, thus he put the effort into it.

My husband can look at almost anything and tell you how it works..
He used to make terrible grades in math because he could not show his work.. He would get the correct answers, but got points off for not showing the work. He loves reading, but did not do that great in English, because he was not interested in the books they were made to read..

Have you had your son tested?
If you could have this done ASAP, what a relief to be able to know what is going on.

Here are some suggestions.
In Austin we have an alternative school for kids that do not fit into a regular classroom. The kids are each given their own personal choice on how they want to complete a course. They have options. They are also allowed to go at their own pace. They can attend on their own schedules. They have a personal educational advisor. Of course this is public school so no cost to the student. See if anything like this is available.

I have learned that if my husband is not interested.. he really has a hard time completing a task. He has to set up several calendars with alarms attached to remind him.. Of course sometimes, I am the calendar and alarm..(every trash day)..

He can use his facebook calendar. He can use his cell phone alarm.. Google also has a calendar that will remind him of upcoming events, and he can set it up to remind him of his tasks on an hour by hour, day, by day.. etc.. HE is the one that has to set this up, because he is the one that knows what works for him.

You cannot change him. There are things that will just never be there for him.. A sense of time, an internal clock, the pace or feeling of urgency, unless he is interested.. And the more he is pushed, the more he will shut down..

Please try to understand what makes him tick, not try to make him fit the way you work. It is a waist of time and extremely frustrating for all of you.

I am sending you strength.

Bless you!

This is a tough stage and it's a hard place to be as a mom.
At about junior year, we sat each kid down and told them we will continue to invest in them and their future just as much as they are willing to invest.
If they work hard in school and have a summer job and apply themselves, we will support them and assist them.
If they get lazy and don't put effort into their future we have told them that we cannot contribute to that type of lifestyle.

Sounds like he needs a little more time to grow up and the military might help that. A lot! Or he can check out Peace corps or Americorps. I have a friend whose son dropped out of his freshman yr. of college b/c he wasn't ready. Then he hung out and slept and partied the rest of that year. Said he couldn't get a job. His parents gave him 90 days to figure out his next step. He ended up going into Americorps for a year and re-built homes in New Orleans. Came back a man.

Sounds like he works wonderfully under pressure also like he really hates the school he is in. I wouldn't just chalk it up to laziness.

You can go now and talk to the ROTC department and they will want to meet him and just that meeting alone will inspire him. No he won't be put on the front lines. They don't want to lose him no more than you do. They will make sure he has the training before putting him in those situations.

My husband is Army (21 years strong) and if you send me an email I will make sure he reads it. He really enjoys talking and meeting young soldiers but he isn't a recruiter. He can tell you what to look out for because some recruiters can be a bit misleading.

Good luck.

It sounds like you've done all you could do. He may have some resentments resulting from the broken home that a professional counselor could help him sort out. ?
It sounds like he's a good test taker so if he joins the military and passes certain tests there's a good chance he would be placed somewhere else other than the front line..... but maybe thats where he wants to be?
I'd say give him the thumbs up on the military it will do him a world of good. Lighten up on him for now and stop treating him like a little child, he is 18 and you arent going to change some of the habits he's formed (bed making and such), leave that to the military..... it will make him grow up and turn into a real man and give him some self worth. Right now it sounds like he doesnt value himself much. Go Army. Good luck.

First, stop beating yourself up, Momma. This truly has nothing to do with you as a parent. I don't believe this is normal stuff, though. The one thing that REALLY stands out for me is his lack of interest in driving. Have you considered that your son may have a learning disability? That can cause anxiety in kids when it comes to anything school related or tests (driving). Also, he sounds as though he may be somewhat depressed. That doesn't have to be from any event that has happened...sometimes it can occur from a chemical inbalance. My brother was like your son in some ways and he always told me that he felt there wasn't something "clicking" in his brain. I'd check into those things.

I think some of is teen nonsense. My stepkids would both sleep ALL DAY if allowed. Chores? What chores? Oh, those chores....

The school stuff reminds me of my nephew. He did well when it was interesting and fast-paced, but if it didn't interest him or it was slow, he failed. He has ADD/ADHD and I don't know if that had much to do with it. My nephew ended up flunking so badly his parents let him drop out at 17. He did eventually get a GED and is in community college now, with a FT job, too. Oh, and I also wonder if some of his antisocial behavior is due to drug use?

If your son wants to go to the military, don't they require graduation? Does he have any thought to being an officer vs enlisted?

I agree with you that you're doing him no favors to continually allow him to float and then do the class online. It's a waste of your time and money. Could he finish at another school?

Has he had counseling for all the upheaval in his life? Could some of his behavior be depression?

If his stepdad relationship is broken, ask your husband to let you be the heavy. YOU tell your son to get up, do your chores, etc. If it's not something where someone's going to get maimed or doesn't apply to something your husband owns, then you handle it....but you must be good about handling it. In our house, my husband is the sherrif and I am the deputy. If it affects me (like my stepkids calling last minute for a ride when I had other plans) then I handle it. If it can wait (like not scooping cat litter), I let DH handle it. If it's a big thing (breaking curfew) HE handles it. I would talk with your husband about how backing off might help HIS blood pressure.

There does come a point where your son is 18 and he'll do what he'll do. You have to choose how long you're willing to pay his bills, put a roof over his head, etc.

My mom said I could live at home after grad....if I worked and paid my own bills, including some rent to her. It kept me in college because I didn't want to be stuck home working my summer cashier job vs being at school.

Oh, and my perfectly capable stepson did not want to drive. We finally said, "Okay, you don't need to drive. BUT our taxi service ends." Once we made it so that he had to get his own "fun time" rides or take the bus, he was motivated to learn. He was about 18 I think when he finally got his license. We took him where he NEEDED to go, but not where he WANTED.