My Six Year Old Is Driving Me Bonkers.

Hi J.,
I have a 6 year old that acts like a teenager also and who is difficult to get to do chores and other responsibilities. Recently, like 3 days ago, we devised a system where when she does certain house responsibilites like set the table, get ready for school by herself, get ready for bed by herself, clean up her toys, practice piano, or spelling, etc...she gets little colored cards(or points or whatever) and then she can trade those cards in for various rewards that she helped me come up with - like watch a movie, play a game, go out for ice cream or to the toy store, etc... For 3 days now she's been running around the house like mad helping me out - dusting even! They seem to be quite the consumers and although I tried for many years to just expect her to help out and be a part of this family, it seems the reward system works much better. You could reward her for good, respectful behavior and/or take "cards" away when she yells and acts disrespectfully. Yelling back just doesn't seem to work and rewarding the good seems to sink in a little more. Good Luck! This too shall pass...

When you are calm!!!! try sitting with her and talking to her like she is older. Be totally straight with her. Tell her that the way she is acting hurts you and how else it makes you feel. Ask her how it makes her feel when mommy cries because thats how you feel when she treats her sister badlt it makes mommy want to cry. Then make a deal with her if she acts that way to her sister does she want you to treat her that way. Or when she is like that you will take her favorite thing away (like a movie or a toy). Try a reward chart like everytime her and her sister do something good they get a star on a chart and when you get to 5 stars you get a movie night with mom or something BUT when your mean to your sister you loose a star and it goes to mom's chart and when mom gets 5 stars she has to to one of moms chores. (like sweep or fold towels or something). Some of this might be outa line for her age but anything is worth a try.
Good Luck

could she be copying someone's attitude at school who is getting away with it? or from a television show? if this is a drastic change from her former behaviour i suggest she is picking it up somewhere/ at a friend's house? at school?

be vigilant to see if you can find the source, and nip it in the bud, because when it starts at six years old...things gets reallly hairy at 11! she needs to know you're in control of her, she needs to answer to you and if she doesn't behave properly you'll take away her privileges. good luck~

Your daughter is only six years old and already controls the household. You are the parent and need to set boundaries for her and if she breaks them, a consequence must follow. For example, if she doesn't put her toys away when told ONCE, put the toys in a basket and put the them away so she can't have them until she earns that right back....responsibile behavior. If one of my children was defiant, s/he went to time out....according to their ages. If she was six, she's in time out for six minutes, facing the wall on a chair in the same room as you are. If she speaks or turns around, another six minutes. It's tough at first, but I can guarantee you that her behavior will turn to respect and obedience towards you. Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson is an excellent book to read. Setting boundaries is the key....and loving discipline. Children need boundaries but too often we parents are too busy or too tired to persevere. Begin now because later on, you will reap what you sow now....blessings

My brother in law and his wife had the same problem with their daughter, which was odd to me because whenever at my home she never back talked me or gave me attitude. any ways, i would firmly tell your daughter that she is not to speak to you this way, you are the adult, she is the child. put her in a corner and tell her to think about how she talks to you, and if she'd like it if you were to talk to her that way. Tell her she cannot pick on her younger sister as you expect her to set an example for her sister. when all else failed, as in the case of my niece, my brother in law and his wife took her to her doctor who recommended an anti-depressant for childhood depression, and another pill for her behaviors and my niece has been the picture of perfection since. i wouldn't recommend taking this road until you are absolutely positive you have tried everything else. and about these life changes, our children feel them more than we think they do, and therefore act out to release their own anxiety about what's going on. maybe some counseling would help your daughter to better express herself. good luck!

it sounds like she is telling you something. Your job is to try and figure it out. (as impossibly hard as that seems!) I picked up some REALLY GOOD books that help parents get their kids to talk and helps parents actually listen to what their kids are saying (because, she is obviously saying something):

P.E.T.- Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon
Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginnot

both were fabulous and i use the communication skills wiht everyone! it works...becasue they teach you how to find the emotion behind the words!

Good luck
K.

Hello, I'm also a single mom and have found a lot of help from Hope and Help for the Single Mom, a biblicaly based study with 21 principals to help single mom's lives get better! Check out www.hope4singlemoms.com to see if one is near you or to order the series. I lead a small group study with this in Sparks, NV at Sparks Christian Fellowship, we have childcare and quality adult time, it is amazing!
My oldest is turning 6 and she has a few of the "qualities' you described in your daughter, I am also reading Boundaries with kids by Townsend and Cloud and we have already had emprovement!
Good luck and God Bless!
J.

Hi J. -

Six years old is a very vulnerable age. Emotionally and spiritually, children are moving from "baby" stage to "child" stage. Many loose touch with their spiritual memories - it is like crossing a veil for them. If your home is going through a lot of "life changes" right now, your daughter is reflecting back the confusion, anger and frustration she feels around her. The fact that she is picking on her sister may be a reflection of her feeling like she is being picked on and the only way she can figure out to release that energy. Sit down and talk with her - eye to eye. Ask her to describe how she is feeling. Ask her for colors, pictures, sensations - any description she can give you. Make sure she feels safe enough to open up. Explain to her that you understand how confusing a time this is for her (if you do). Don't tell her any untruths or exaggerations - she will know.

M. M. Ernsberger
Life Coach for Children & Family

Hello J.,
I have a 7 year old boy that has been doing the same thing. He flips me attitude at the drop of a hat and other times he is this sweet helpful little person. Just be encouraged that what you are doing will work. Just be consistent and firm. I try to ignore or place him away from all of us when he gives me his attitude. I think he tries to get a reaction out of me and when he gets no response from me (looks, talking, scolding) he stops or it gets less. That's not to say I let him be disrespectful. I choose, in some circumstanaces, to give him no response at all. With all of my kids, I have found they want some type of response from me, be it good or bad, they want a response. I have learned to try ignore some of the behaviors until they respond to me politely or appropriately. They know what I expect and all I say is, "When you speak appropriately/nicely to me, I will help you" and then I return to what I am doing. J., raising kids is tough. Just know you are a good mom and you want what is best for your girl. Be encouraged and stay strong. I know it's really difficult, but that's what other moms are here for. I don't know if what I said will help, but I just want you to know you are doing what you know to be right. Stick with it!!! You and your little one will be just fine. J.

hi J.-
i also have a 6 almost 7 year old daughter so i know what you mean. i get a lot of talking back and wise remarks from my daughter as well.
we had a life altering change in our lives as well. we moved across the counrty to start a new life, hence leaving friends and family behind. i contribute this and all the other changes to my kids' attitudes.they are not the only ones who have had an attitude since we moved though. i know i haven;t been as patient with my daughter because of stress and so fourth. i simply have told her that. i tell her that even though were going through a lot of changes we still need to respect eachother and treat eachother in a kind way.
my kkids fight all the time, so i find myself splitting them up so theyre not always together. i separate myself from them at that time so i can pull my self together and show them a good example.i think the more you talk to your kids about how youre feeling the more they will listen. i try to keep it short and sweet though. too much might cause them to loose focus.
try this, hopefully your daughter is sympathetic and will take what you have to say to heart!
i also own a business and find that whenever i am taliking on the phone or placing an order with a client that this is when my kids seem to need me most. i try to get my work done when theyre not home, but as you know, when you own a business and need to get things done, you have to take the work as it comes. i always say as my business line is ringing" i have to take this call, so please stay quiet so i can hear the other person on the other line!" it works 90% of the time. my daughter loves my Silpada Designs business and always wants to know what the person wants to buy. i always let her finger through the catalog and let her look at my web site. i can atleast involve her in it this way, so she understands what it is that i do. maybe you can do the same with your daughter. make that mom and me connection.
i hope you got a couple of ideas from my rambling on. i just find that you have to stick to what works and try new approaches as they are needed. good luck J., P. w.

My daughter did/does the same thing. I don't know if their personalities are similiar, but my daughter is extremely bright, creative, and very stubborn. She doesn't give in unless it's to her advantage. She likes to write in her journal, so one day a journal showed up on her bed from her "Secret Journal Friend". (I got the idea from a magazine). She can confide in her SJF as much as she wants since it's not anyone that she 'knows'. It really lets me know what's going on in her life, and sometimes her problem is with me, other times it is disappointments at school, her siblings, etc. When I (her SJF) write to her, it gets put back on her pillow. When she is done writing in it, she puts it on her dresser. She acutually does listen to the advice that her SJF gives her, when she would never listen to her mother. My daughter is in 3rd grade now (9 yrs old), and this has been going on since at least 1st grade.
M. W. I am a mother of 6, who feels your pain!

I just went through this with my six year old daughter. It is enough to make you nuts. I finally took her to play therapy and it did wonders. Kids can draw their own conclusions at this age and get angry/sad/worried about things they cannot understand or control. My daughter had alot of issues due to her dad living out of state and us divorcing (he left when she was four) but she had all this pent up stuff. Play therapy allowed us to learn to communicate so I can talk to her in a way she understands. Also I was bad in over protecting her as kids need the truth on a level they can understand. Reassurance, patience and communication helped us past this bump. There are days she gives me attitude and we have rules, first one warning, second jammies and then it gets closer to going to bed a lot earlier then she usually does. That helps a lot! She has gone to bed at 5:30 some nights!! Be consistent and give her the security she needs however lay ground rules and make sure she knows she is not allowed to dictate the mood of the home and she is to respect you. I tell my daughter all the time, I understand you don't like my rules and you can be angry, however you will not talk back to me and you will do what you are asked. Our rule is I should not have to ask her more then once to do something and if I do she has to understand there are consequences. I try to stop and explain my rules and why I have them, I am empathetic to her feelings but she knows now that she has to abide by the rules too. Try asking your pediatrician to refer a play therapist. It is really a positive for kids that need that extra help understanding and communicating life changes.

We have twins! I keep thinking that if 6 is like this, we'll never make it through 16!!

We use Love & Logic, which basically says don't let her problems become your problems...make sure the problem remains hers. And to not let her get to you -- that's her payoff. So easy to say but hard to do.

Basically, though, you teach her that you don't allow anyone to treat you like this, and she can go to her room to calm down (6 min for a 6 year old). These are the logical consequences for being mean...she is alone.

By setting healthy boundaries for yourself in how you are treated, you are showing her to do the same.

If you have it available to you, you might also want to get some counseling for her about some of the changes she's processing. She might have some misdirected anger that she doesn't know what to do with.

Good luck. Cheering you on.

Dear J.,
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