Moom Seeking Help with Teenage Daughter!!!

I would sign her up to volunteer with those less fortunate than herself - maybe The Ronald McDonald House, or another organization where she sink her energy into helping others and it will help broaden her horizons and help her see that evertthing isn't always about her.

Good luck!

My mom told my brother this about raising teen daughters...it's the ride of you life, all you can do is hold on....lol! Gosh, my neice is a handful...and I know I was.

I was glad to read something from a mom of an older child.
Reading all the "new" mom stuff seems like so long ago for me!
I also have a 15 year old daughter and WOW!!! We have a son who is 12, and, yes, he seems to be a "breeze" right now!
Everyone deserves at least one daughter! They can be so FUN
and so AWESOME............then, they can be so MOODY!! You know, I tell my daughter, "I was 15 once".....but, honestly,
I don't remember acting like she does when I was 15. We deal with the same "problem" of thinking that we spoiled her too much............I'm not sure there is an answer for 15 year old daughters, but to pray a bunch!! Enjoy the fun times with her.........from what I've heard from my other friends
and even my customers, "it gets better". Hang in there and let's stay in touch!! Our daughters sound almost exactly alike!!! How fun life can be!!! We need to remember that in only a few short years, they'll be on their own, and time really does go FAST!

a little about me: I am an "older"mom of a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. We waited 8 years to start
our family, so I am an "older" mom even though I'm only 44
and don't feel that old! I am a professional photographer
in Western Kansas. www.pamsportraitplaceonline.com

Hi,

I am a mother to six, my oldest is now almost 21 and my youngest is 11. My 18 year old daughter was very much like your daughter. She made life very miserable if she was not happy and her words cut like a knife. I made the mistake of allowing her to have her own way too many times to avoid having confrontation, and it ended up getting really ugly before it got better. Now my 13 daughter has been testing the waters and she got some great lessons from her sister. However so did I. I have set my foot down and even if it makes life miserable for a while for us, she pays the consequences for her actions and is ultimatley miserable longer. It really seems to be working, as her tirades have become a lot less. As for my older daughter, it got better also because I finally set my foot down, and boy did it get ugly, but when it came right down to it, she got sick and tired of being grounded and not being able to go to the football games and dances and other things like that and decided to mind her manners. We had a nice sit down chat where I explained to her that if she was upset she was welcome to talk to me, but she needed to do so with respect. If she spoke with respect she would not be grounded but if she was yelling and name calling and being disrespectful in any way that it would be a day for each time I had to remind her. For serious offenses such as using foul names to describe me or her father would earn her a week. Bottom line, it will get really ugly before it gets better, but if you put your foot down and don't let it up, she will get the picture and she will get tired of being grounded too. You are the parent and you know it, don't you think it's time she did too? By the way, as a side note, I have two boys and they have both also been a breeze. I think it must have to do with hormones!

Remember her hormones are raging and are uncontrollable at times. At these times try a time out in her room so that she has time to think before she speaks. If she can not speak her mind with reapect for the family, she needs to step back to think out her thought and feelings before she disrupts the whole family.
You might take her and get her hormones checked. There might be some inbalance you are unaware of.
You might also address the fact that she hurts you when she has her outbursts. That is not exceptable or honoring to you and makes her selfish and unkind. She would not appreciate being treated like this and you might point this out.
Some time alone with her shopping and lunch or a movie, might help to bring the thing that might be bothering her at school. She might have pressure to do things she doesn't want to do. Just a few ideas. I hope they help.
C. B

Good morning C.. I'm a mom of three. Two girls 19 & 16 and a son 9. 15 has been a land mark age for both our girls. I would encourage you to talk to her about it outside of one of her "moments". Allow her to know how it REALLY makes you feel. With our oldest I would try to reason with her and it just doesn't work. She was already worked up and there I was telling her what she was doing wrong which only made her reaction worse. However I couldn't allow her to take control either. There is a level of peace and respect that is expected in our home and to let her act that way was giving the other two kids the idea that was an ok way to communicate. I had to talk to her when she was able to hear me and I was calm. We didn't need to agree and no one was to blame we just needed to understand each other. It still happened over and over and we talked about it over and over. And then one day it didn't happen and the next day and next. The good days will out weigh the bad it will just take some time. It's got to start somewhere and if what your doing isn't working, try something new. I think it's awesome that your putting forth the effort to change things for yourself and your family. I'm proud of you. N. L

Just read what's been going on. You hang in there. God put these children in our lives to teach them right from wrong. You do that, your doing the right thing. She WILL remember what you teach her and she will return to it. That's your promise.

The best thing I have ever done for myself is go through personal development work. IT TOTALLY HELPED ME. I am now 25 and I was the same way your daughter is like. Spoiled and mad at everyone- only when I needed to be. This world can be quite difficult to live in but when I found my passion and purpose, everything changed. Now I'm on my way to change the world.

- B.

www.klemmer.com

Teens are so fun! It is good to be open and honest but consideration for others and tact are equally important. This doesn't always work and many times it still is painful, but when my son is having a "rant" of hatefullness, I tell him to go into his room or outside to play basketball and that once he is able to speak politely I would love to discuss things with him, and then I walk away. I want him to talk, but screaming and hatefullness is not productive at home or later in life relationships. I think teens are like 3 year olds, they are testing things out at home to see how to handle their overwhelmeing emotional turmoil and we have to understand that they are overwhelmed and guide them to handle it in a way that will get results. He is pretty good now at saying, "I need some time alone", and then talking to me about things.

I agree to a point that tact comes with age, but I also think it must be taught as well. If they were raised to speak their mind openly, then that is exactly what she is doing and if that is what is respected in your household, than why would you expect anything else? I know that sounds harsh, but at this age what she is saying IS probably exactly what she feels (not that her feelings are accurate or right) but my suggestion would be to talk to her about tactfulness, and put some boundaries in place. For example, let her know what is ok and what absolutely is not acceptable, i.e. "it is NOT acceptable for you to say 'i hate you'". Boundaries are the key. Then stick to the boundaries by giving a consequence (restriction,no tv, no cell phone,etc) for crossing them. Good Luck! (I have a 15 yr old daughter too, and IT IS TOUGH!!!)

Your daughter is going through a lot of growth and hormones.
I imagine she is the most well behaved teen in front of
other people.

I have a few samples of some happy chocolates that
will probably give her a mood lift. They are all natural dark chocolate with amino acids, and vitamins.
They taste so good too.

If you wish to sample them for you and her
please let me know.

Warmly
C.
###-###-####

Have you tried community service? Seriously, it might help her appreciate what she has and learn some humily too. Speaking your mind is one thing, being disrespectfuly to others, is an entirely different matter. she needs someone to set some limits and will push against them every chance she gets but don't give up.

I have a 15 year old daughter as well... and have had similar experiences. Be assured that she's NORMAL. My first suggestion is that you stop giving her the power to change the atmosphere of the house every time she has a mood swing. I understand how hard it is; believe me! But you can't give her that kind of power. If she's spoiled, that's on you. Unspoiling her is going to be a long hard task, but it can be done. You must continue to give consequences for negative behavior. Temper tantrums cannot be tolerated. Don't give her any kind of attention, positive OR negative, just send her to her room. (If her room is her favorite place, you may want to send her somewhere she doesn't like.) The hardest part is going to be YOU keeping YOUR cool. Remember, if you don't speak to her with respect, you certainly can't expect her to speak to you with respect. Let her know that when she can speak to you calmly and with respect, you'll be glad to talk with her about whatever it is she's upset about. If the conversation starts to escalate again, stop until everyone is calm again. Don't get me wrong... this is REALLY REALLY HARD. I won't even pretend that I get it right all the time, but it IS working for us. If her anger is out of control, you may want to consider getting individual and family counseling.

Everyone has the right to speak unless they are hurting others. It's called respect. Just because we have an opinion or a problem does not mean we have the right to voice it to everyone as well, especially in a rude or hurtful way. When anyone in my household no matter how old hey arehave behaived this way they were sent away from everyone else to coll down. It's not a punishment or a grounding ot grounded, but time out to reflect and figure out how they can communicate their problem and feelings without attacking everyone else. Being open and honest is great when it is done in a caring and respecful way. Under no circumstances should anyone displaying bad behaivor should be able to dictate the house. Simply put, no one who behaves poorly should be given a platform to speak and react in front of other. If you can not enforce this going to a councelor as a family.

Is there anyone more selfish than a teenage girl from 14 - 18? Nope. You are normal, and she is struggling, like we all do with being heard and understood. You were like that, I was like that. But here is where it helps to be older: you have perspective and your hormones under control.

When she is riding you pretty hard, don't take the bait. Watch and think to yourself, "what is out of line with what she is saying/doing?" Then, after the tantrum, sit her down, and say, "Look darling, I love you but "-------------" is out of line." Target the behavior, not the girl. She respects you more than you know, and needs some guidance in that girl-to-a-woman phase.

And, if you have to be rough, remember that she will be your friend again another day. Teenagers mostly want to be heard, and understood. "I understand you're upset, I would be too, but throwing your dishes in the sink and screaming is not the appropriate way to handle this . . ." Give her a hug, if you can, and try to remember that 5 years ago, she was ten. She still needs you.

I also have a fifteen year-old daughter and it could have been me writing your letter! At least I'm not the only one who is experiencing this. My daughter has such a good life but as soon as anything doesn't go her way, we all suffer by her attitude. I am signing up for our family to feed the homeless so she can get a grip on reality. I'd also love to take a humanitarian vacation so all our kids can see how good they have it. I don't give my daughter everything, she has to earn money around the house to pay for her clothes and cell phone, she is active in sports, gets great grades, takes piano lessons( which is a struggle at this point) and is even involved in our church youth group. She is a nice to friends and other adults but is so self -centered, moody and mean to her family. She walks around the house with a scowl most of the time. I'll be interested to see what experiences others have had in response to your letter. Thanks for helping me to feel not so crazy! L.

It seems your daughter is testing her boundaries and yes tact/humility does come with age. Just speak your mind as she speaks hers and let her know that she is being hurtful. Keep enforcing your boundaries (grounding, suspending priviledges) and stick to it. My boys are 21 and 26 and it was more difficult with the 21 year old when he was in high-school. I thought it would never end, but his moods subsided and though he is still a bit immature at some things, he has become more focused with time. The 'spoiling' is already done and can't be 'undone' but I believe it can be re-directed. If you stay on the same path of discipline and don't budge, your daughter will see that and hopefully learn about responsibility, regulation and control from what she is exposed to by you. Hope this helps.
PLievanos

Hi C., I'm a Life Coach and work with parents and their kids at times. What you'll want to do is ask her, calmly, what she's so mad about. The test for you will be to just listen. Sometimes what happens is we get plugged into our own issues through others so if you can discover what you are getting mad about then you'll have a sense of what's happening that causes you to react. She doesn't have the power to make the family uncomfortable but you guys are letting her hold you hostage. I've available for a no charge 1/2 hour conversation if you'd like. No enrollment here just an outlet. Let me know. Keep breathing, J. Sexton ###-###-####

i agree wholeheartedly with every advice given thus far. She can't be allowed to run the show. there is great chat i used to have with my now 19-yr old daughter about rights vs privileges. her "rights" are that i make sure there's food for her to eat and a roof over her head. anything other than that is a privilege. although things got hairy for a while during the 15-17 years old marker when she couldn't stand my rules and didn't speak to me too much (she resented my authority) she never slammed a door, yelled at me or said a bad word to me, but respect to elders and each other was drilled since she was a toddler both at home and at her parrochial school, and name calling, no matter how innocent~ like calling siblings dumb or stupid was never allowed when they grew up either. another house rule: feel like a B today? ok. you can be one in your room. by yourself. i have 3 kids (including a 17 year old autistic boy) and i have taught them that it's ok to have an "off day" where you're grumpy, you just can't go around punishing people with attitude, so the "go to your room and do your own thing until it subsides" has been a great way to keep it in check the attitude while allowing them to have their grumpy moments and stew it out all by themselves.
it's a tough age. i'm finally in a better place relationship-wise with my daughter, but boy i try not to remember those 2-3 years... good luck! don't give up! and above all...keep the reins of the household! ;)

Pray and pray hard. My daughter now 19 was the same. I spent time talking to friends that already went thru that. They reminded me that this was a phase even though it seemed un ending. I also had to learn to calm down and not be so serious. In all truth, my faith in God and support from my husband helped enormously. I truly understand how you feel. I thought I was going to loose my mind. Now she is in college and in a differnt stage in her life and actually things have calmed down a bit.

Your daughter needs to learn that she doesn't run the show, which it unfortunately sounds like she does. Now is the best time to learn, when the consequences for defying authority are more affordable. My mom always told us, "I'll be happy to listen to anything you say nicely." So continue to let her express herself, as long as she does so in a respectful manner. My mom would repeat it until we calmed down and spoke nicely. By insisting that she be respected, she modeled what to insist on from my peers.
I also HIGHLY recommend Love and Logic classes or reading some Love and Logic books. They also have DVDs and great CDs full of wonderful advice. You can get it at loveandlogic.com or the local library probably has some of their materials. Their approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting them suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective, loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my son's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending Love and Logic classes here in Arizona. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

I was like that when i was a teenager My mom started ti give me a hormone stabilizing herb. It was wonderful my family called them my happy pills. if i was on them fine if not watch out it was totally pms 24/7. it was called chasterberry. As I have gotten older I do have hormone problems but that helped a ton before i got on birth control even my friends could tell if i hadn't taken my "happy pill"

Hi Carolandro,

My daughter is now 27 and I remember her teen years, I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. But this will pass, but try to remember what you were like when you were a teenager and the things you may have dane behind there back. With that said. My daughter use to pick fights that came out of the blue and they went around in circles not even making sense and they were very hurtful. She attacked everything I did.

Then one day I looked back at all the tears, fights, the yelling. I realized that when she did this it was because she was up to something or about to do something she knew was wrong. So to try to divert attention she would pick fights. So the next time she started her fight with me I caught myself after 10 minutes and said to her that I was not going to do this any more and if and when she was ready to tell me what she was really up to then I would talk to her. I explained as she denied that the only reason for her behavior was she she was about to or had already done something.

It got better from there but they have raging hormones.

The other thing is if you really want to find out what is going on. If she has a myspace page. Look at it.

I have a teenage daughter too!! I totally sympathize with you. We can be bald togther. hee hee
When my daughter goes through her moody moments, and is a total "B" I remind her, sometimes loudly, depending on how frustrated I am, that "there is only room for one "B" in this house and that's ME!!, so deal with it" and then I do the reverse psychology on her, which is: If she thinks she is so grown up, then let her be grown up, which means doing everything for a while, including making her own meals, doing her own laundry, all the chores that she normally does, cleaning, anything you can think of to make her life miserable and if she doesn't do it, take everything away, including her phone, computer and door!!If she complains about not being able to do her homework, that's not your problem, that's her problem. If she complains about not having any privacy, b/c you took her door, well that's her problem "I garuntee you, she will not like that and she will change her attitude, very quickly" I've done it and I get a very good response, the humbled "I'm sorry". Also, if she is open enough to speak her mind and tell you things that are hurtful, well, I am sure you can think of a few critical things to say about your daughter as well, without being too mean, but a taste of her own medicine will teach her to keep her mouth shut. To get respect you have to give it, it's a lesson that all teenagers need to learn.
It works for me, it may for you. We still have our moments, but since I've gotten tough and found my back bone, I have more good times with my daughter now, than bad. And.. She is very carful about her attitude and mood swings.

G.

Hi C.,
I seldome respond to questions on this site. Usually I just read them. Yours however hit home to me. I am a mother of seven children myself. My oldest is 19 and the youngest is 5. I have reciently been introduced to a group of people from all across the country and Canada who teach leadership principles. Through this team of people I have been introduced to books and listening material that I would never have found on my own. If you are willing to read some great books I know you will be able to communicate again with your daughter. The two books I would recomend right away are "Personality Plus" by Florence Littauer and "The Five Love Languages for Teens" by Gary Chapman If you aply the principles taught in theese books you will be able to understand your daughter so much better and once you understand her then you will be able to comminicate with her succesfully. I wish I had theese tools before my oldest son graduated and went off to collage. I have the information now. My husband and I are succesfuly aplying what we are learning with our children who are still at home with us. I wish you the best of luck with your daughter.
For mor information on the TEAM you can go to
www.the-team.biz

- P.

Yes, she will outgrow it. Repeat to yourself over and over, "This will pass." We also taught our kids to have and express opinions and then dealt with the aftermath of rudeness. One of my daughters, when going through adolescence, took issue when I made her apologize to her sister. She said, "You've always told me not to lie, and now you want me to do it! I'm not sorry; why should I say I am?" My response was, "Whether you mean it or not is strictly between you and God. But since I'm the parent, your manners are between you and me. That's why you have to say it."

It's helped us to say, when a child says something rude, tactless or otherwise unaceptable, "I'm sure you can find a better way to say that." That way, they don't feel their opinions are being attacked and dig in their heels. I frequently have to give examples. If she's said, "That dress is so gross!" I might suggest, "I don't really like pink. Can we look for a blue one?" Leave the intent intact, but insist that it be phrased politely, whether she's talking to you, a sales clerk or a buddy. And these difficult ones do eventually grow up to be delightful! Hang in there!

I think the best thing you could do is not make it a battle. For instance, she says something hurtful...you say something loving. Eventually, she will figure out that her getting all upset is not necessary and everything is back firing and the escalation of the battle will die down. Good luck!

You know hormones in girls is a huge factor at this age, not to mention the hardwiring of the teenage brain is still so complicated.
I first would look at her when she says hurtful things to say "you know you better be careful what you say out of anger, because you cannot ever take words back" "I know you are only saying that because you are mad, I love you", and walk away........if she continues then count every hurtful word she says and punish her for every word, seriously....if she says " I hate you", then find something three times that she can be punished for, like each word equals ten minutes so that being said is 30 minutes off of TV or computer...she will figure it out.

Teaching a child to express herself is one thing, being disrespectful and rude is not okay. I tell my 6 year old daughter the best advice I can give her is to keep her mouth shut when she is angry or upset until she calms down as anything that comes out in anger will get her in more trouble or be something she will regret saying....
She is slowly figuring it out.
I was a good teenager in ever sense other then my mouth, I sassed, talked back and said hurtful things. Never did I do anything but get punished for it but I sure wished my mom would have taught me to calm down before I said ANYTHING and I would have saved myself a lot of heartache in my later teens and twenties when I hurt a lot of people with my sharp mouth!

you taught her to speak your mind and you just told us it hurts. tell her. kids at this age just dont realize or dont care that they hurt people so you have to make sure she understands. if she hurts you she needs to pay for it. extra chores, especially ones that she doenst like, no friends over, no phone, you knw, the important things to a teen.

Teenage girls are tough. They have a lot of hormones and emotions raging through their body and mind. Unfortunately, these confusing times, sometimes hurt the people around them, especially family members. When I was a teenager, my mom allowed me to talk with her best friend about things that were bothering me. Her best friend was not a "middle" person, she was just a sounding board. As far as I know, my mom's friend did not go run and tell my mom everything I told her. She just listened. Maybe there is someone in your daughter's life who is older and that you trust to listen and discuss issues with your daughter. Someone who is not as emotionally caught in the situation.

Another suggestion that might enhance communication with your daughter is a "shared journal." Basically, you use a spiral or whatever you want to use as a journal. This journal sits in a common, yet private place so that no one has to ask for the journal when they feel like writing in it. It is probably best if it is just between you and your daughter. It becomes a place where you and your daughter can write about your feelings and thoughts or even news about your life that you would like to share with each other. In theory, the difference between writing these things in a journal versus telling one another face-to-face,a journal eliminates some of the hype that comes with "discussing" or "arguing" about the subject. It also breaks down the masks people wear to protect themselves from being hurt. The journal acts as a buffer. Sometimes it is easier to communicate through writing because you have to think a little bit more before you write something versus just letting it "slip" off the tongue. The hope is that eventually, you and your daughter would be able to talk with one another face-to-face, but think before you speak.

Hi,
I'm going thru a similar thing with my daughter whose 11 and my son whose 15. I've laid down the rules several times with both of them which includes exhibiting respect at the top of them. I make them sign the rules and sometimes I modify them every 6 months, we sit down, review, they give their comments on what should/should not be added and I have them sign them again. Seems to work and everyone is crystal clear on responsibilities.

When either of them are out of control I take away privledges which in my son's soon to be will be his ability to drive. I've even benched my son from a game for being disrespectful to his sister. They have to have a code of conduct to play sports so I expect that same "code of conduct" to be adhered to at home.

I've also done some counseling myself just to make sure I'm on the right page with what I'm doing parenting wise. I'm a single parent so it's very frustrating.

Home this helps! Good luck!