My Mother Is a Minimalist

YOU GET FREE DAYCARE.......are you kidding me. They are FRUGAL. I do not think they should change at all. Maybe you should be grateful.

I'm sorry that I have no advice for you but boy oh boy have i been there. My in laws are the same way, even were when my husband was small. It was never about what he wanted or what the kids want or even need, but about what is cheap.

To me it isn't even about the lack of material items, I don't ask them for anything for the kids, birthday and christmas ideas we mention 1 or 2 reasonably priced items and that is it, then they spend the same amount on junk that no one wants and just gets lost or broken or sits on a shelf. That isn't thrifty, that doesn't even fall under "it's the thought that counts" there's no thought, it's just cheap and them trying to prove a point.

I'm perfectly ok with my kids only getting 1 birthday gift per person, even grandparents, but they could at least bother to get them something that fits, is gender appropriate, or will be liked.

So far the only thing this has taught my kids is how to fake a thank you. Great skill, but not a life lesson about the meaning of a dollar.

H.,

Respectfully, I say that you are being selfish and materialistic. And maybe you and the others here who agree with you are younger and haven't ever had to be frugal or maybe you aren't following politics.

I think you need to consider the scary, uncertain economic times we are in now. She's not being a tightwad. Your kids seem to get lots of your mom's time and love, and they aren't suffering if they don't have a lot of expensive toys or have to grow into clothes. She has to provide for her own future/retirement. If she isn't frugal, are you going to support her?

If you don't like the diapers she buys, then you buy and provide them for her. After all, you're not paying for the babysitting.

Your mother is entitled to not like large get togethers. She probably had her share in her life. As long as you and your kids see her other times, don't insist that she comes to or enjoys the big parties you give or enjoy.

Please consider the great blessing that she is and try not to make the other things that bother you so important. Good luck.

A minimalist refers to something else. :)

I am sorry to be harsh, but you ARE being rude!

I also buy clothes a size larger to we get more use out of them and I don't EVER waste money on brand name diapers or stuff like that - never had a problem with the cheap ones! If you need them to wear a certain kind, I think you should provide them.
My daughter doesn't get a new toy every week and I cringe when my MIL send her toys for no occasion whatsoever. She has plenty of stuff to play with and a wonderful imagination that she can use. She doesn't need every single thing on the toy shelf!

My guess is that your parents are living a comfortable life, partly because they are sensible with what they have and live within their means

I think that maybe you are seeing money as an expression of love. But it is not. She spends her time watching your children (are you paying her for it?) and having a relationship with them - that is worth so much more than any toy or fancy dress you can buy in the store!

Cherish what you have and what she is doing for you and your children!
Good luck!

Your mom sounds a lot like me.

I am seriously uncomfortable having to be "social" in a large crowd, and suffer through the occasional large family gathering only to please other people. I used to go home with asthma attacks from the strain and the inevitable static that arises between family members, even if I wasn't directly involved. I've learned over many, many years to cope with my hyper-sensitivity, but I am still very, very uncomfortable. Going to these events is truly an act of emotional heroism on my part.

The cost of a gift is also nearly meaningless to me. It's the thought that counts, not the size. I sometimes don't even give my grandson, whom I adore as much as life itself, a gift on his birthday or Christmas, because I know I'll be doing many, many special things with him during the year that will be much more meaningful to both of us.

Plus, he has so many adoring family members who let their love be known by the expense of their gifts. I am not in a financial position to compete for his or other people's admiration that way, and have no interest in trying. And I am sincerely against spoiling a child materially – it doesn't feel like a loving thing to do to a child.

Your mom's extreme thriftiness sounds a lot like me, too. I don't know what her background is, but I grew up poor, in an extremely thrifty family, and will never outgrow the sense that thrift is important. For me, it's the only sane way to live. I do give generously to organizations that help those in crisis, because I've been helped through crises by generous strangers, and I know that can make a real difference.

But I don't give expensive gifts (or do only rarely, if a gift that seems "just right" costs a bunch). Lavish gifting feels, to me, like trying to buy love. Love is in the doing, not in giving, receiving, or having stuff.

Your mother may think that giving you and her grandchildren two days a week of her time, her energy, her care, her attention, her LIFE, is the best gift she can give you. I know I feel that way about the one day a week I am able to give my grandson – plus occasional overnights, or extra days for special circumstances. There is no gift I could buy that would come anywhere close to what those days represent to me, or to my grandson. Fortunately for me, my daughter seems to feel the same way, and we are all happy.

My best to you. I hope you will be able to find a way to let your mom be who she is. You wouldn't want her to pretend to be something she is not, would you? Over time, the cost to your relationship could be too high.

You are being rude.

Why are you worried about how much she SPENDS and not appreciating how much she DOES? She gets your kids clothes, gifts, diapers -- she doesn't make you pay for them? And you're complaining she buys cheap ones or tries to make them last longer?

Think of how much money she's saving you by watching the kids for you. I don't know about your area, but here in Texas even a cheap daycare would be anywhere from $400-600 a month for two kids two days a week. I don't think everything should boil down to a dollar sign though. It's about how much she does, she's doing a lot and you should appreciate that instead of worrying about how much she's spending.

I think you could learn some lessons from her spending habits. The reason they are "VERY comfortable financially" is because of the choices they make. That's not an accident. People that work hard to get where they are are going to have better habits then people who feel like they deserve nicer things and spend themselves into debt. There are tons of people that can't do what your Mom is doing - they live month to month, never having money, but they have a coach purse and an Iphone! They can't understand why they are always broke and assume it much just be easier for everyone else. No. They are making bad choices.

LOL, I am a mother of a 5 year old boy and 2 year old girl and I sound a lot like your mother:-) Me and my husband are pretty well off, but we NEVER buy anything without a coupon. I buy my kids clothes a little big and am already trying to get them to understand the value of a dollar. They have so many toys that I cringe whenever anyone comes over with more stuff. I really think your expectations are way off when it comes to what a Grandma should be. You are so lucky to have her watch your kids for free and you are so lucky that your children have a different perspective to learn from her. The way the world is today, they will be lucky to have as much as you do now when they grow up. Your parent's perspective will be very valuable to them. Your mother sounds like she knows herself very well and it doesn't sound to me that she is expecting anything of you. If she doesn't want to come to a party, that is her perogative and it doesn't sound like she is holding anything against you for having big parties other than not showing up. It sounds like you want her to think and act just like you do instead of being accepting of her for who she is.

With Mother's Day tomorrow, try to think of what your life would be like if she were no longer around. Try to think about all the good things about her vs. how different she is from what you want her to be.

Good luck!

.

I suggest you get over it. Be thankful that you are able to send your kids to her where they are safe and it's FREE. Maybe you should just have your parties without her. You said she rarely comes to visit anyway. She may not really want to come to the party. She may feel obligated, just like you may feel obligated to invite her. Maybe you can tell her, "Mom, we're having a party for the kids and it's gonna be a large gathering. You're welcome to come , but if you have other plans I'll understand." As far as the gifts, just accept whatever she gives and get your kids what you want them to have. My mom doesn't even buy gifts, she puts money in their bank accounts. The kids actually like that. And the diapers, if they're at her house. Let her do what she wants, she's the one who's cleaning them up everytime they leak. At home, use the one's you like. My mom doesn't even use wipes. She washes their butts everytime she changes them. She says wipes just won't do. She finally gave into disposable diapers after my 2nd child. I let her do what she wants when they're at her house. It's not worth the struggle. And since the clothes stay at her house, let her dress them how she wants. My mom will put girl clothes on my son and visa versa. She doesn't see the big deal they're babies. Ease up it could be worse. Gotta love moms. Happy Mother's Day!

Sounds like you are being a bit selfish. She's already doing SO much for you and the kids by caring for them twice per week.
Do your parties as you wish, she can come or go--her choice.
Kids usually have more than they need and unless you & the kids are in need, don't "expect" anything.

While I don't think she should dictate the size of your family gatherings, you also have to accept that she may not feel comfortable in such a big crowd and may choose not to attend. I have honed crowd avoidance to a fine art. If she knows that you struggle financially...consider that she may be sending you a signal about your spending habits for these gatherings.

With our parents living longer and longer, there may very well come a day when you are thankful that they have been frugal. Have you seen the cost of assisted living or a nursing home? Daycare is peanuts by comparison.

Nothing she is doing sounds like she is providing sub-standard care in any way...just not doing things the way you would like things done. Whether home care or daycare...the reality is that we lose a certain amount of control when we choose or don't have the option to stay home.

My mom is incredibly generous through her frugality. I think Kohl's has her picture at corporate headquarters or something...lol...because she can work a deal there like no one's business. I grew up wearing a lot of second hand clothing. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized how smart my parents were. It taught me a lot about being responsible for my own decisions--I am lucky that they were frugal and CAN help me out when I need it. They are willing to help me out...because they know I've worked hard to keep myself as financially stable as possible.

Kids don't NEED STUFF. They NEED love and discipline and food and shelter. I think you do just need to get over it and be thankful for the incredible money savings she provides through her loving care of your children...who cares (besides you) that your daughter's clothes are too big. Besides...SHE'LL be telling you and grandma what she will and won't wear.

There was an article in the Reader's Digest magazine, I think the recent one, that talked about "tightwads" and cheapskates. I guess that is what your Mom is.....
I don't think she will change. You are not rude.. .but I don't think your expectations will influence her or change her.
I think, even though it is hard emotionally and frustrating... don't expect anything of her.
Or talk with her... diplomatically. But not confrontational... nor "blaming" her. She just has a different set of values... and has a rigid sense of comfort level... and she does NOT go outside of that...
Maybe to her, material objects are just not important... and is just a functional practical thing. And, she does babysit your kids, 2 days a week. I assume without "grumbling" about it.
So in that sense, maybe your expectations of gifts for your kids, is "rude"... but you have a different set of values, than her.
Maybe they can help provide money for your kids savings accounts? Would that be something practical for her???
Talk with her, but don't give her the idea that you just want things from her...

all the best,
Susan

Accept Mom for who she is. We are all different.

That said, continue to have fun birthday parties for your kids, etc... and tell your Mom you will miss her, but understand when she doesn't want to come, but that you hope she understands these are fun for your family. Do your best to laugh off any negative remarks she makes. Just smile and respond, "Yes, we are inviting the whole darn family!"

I don't think you are selfish. I think you just feel differently from your Mom. We women spend our entire lives trying to figure out the mother daughter relationship and coming to the conclusion we don't have to be alike in our likes and dislikes. Do your best to understand that and it might help you to let it go.

whoever says you're selfish has never been in your shoes.
we have the same deal going on with my inlaws. they have never gotten out of their way to shower my kids with anything. my kids get stickers no matter what the occasion. it is cheap, makes me feel cheap when i have to call and fake a thank you for stickers.
they will never change. it's who they are. thankfully i can afford for my kids so they don't have to wait for grandma to get off her butt to be a grandma.
:)

I love your "so what happened" response...i just want to add that i don't have a mother & she has never met my children as she is deceased ......and my MIL is a jehovas witness so my children do not receive any presents from her even on non-holidays & she will never come to any holidays or birthdays.....and when i needed my MIL to help watch my kids due to me having surgery & needed assistance for 6 weeks she walked out the 1st day i came home from the hospital, & although she came back i walked on eggshells thinking she will leave again if i piss her off.....enjoy your mother & happy mothers day to you too

Wow! She sounds like my mom. Maybe the 2 days is all she can handle of the kids? Are you an only child? Does she care for your siblings kids, too? It does sound like she could be cheap, but why? Were you guys poor growing up and she continues to save money even though they have plenty? I need more background about your mom...my mom rarely bought my child anything...ever...unless it was a birthday...my mom would babysit so I could sleep (single mom working night shift as an RN)..within a couple of hours my mom would let my daughter wake me up because she didn't want to babysit anymore. I'll add that my mom had mental health issues. I would ignore the "You're not inviting the whole damn family...." business...it's your party you can invite whom you want. If she doesn't show up, it's her loss. Is your mom older? Many old folks don't have the patience for crowds and noise....even if it is their own family. Maybe you can edit your question with more info about mom? Good luck.

Rather than see her as "wrong," ask her lots of questions to help you understand her reasons. She probably has some perspectives that are different from yours, about what is useful/healthy for children. If you can listen with interest to what she has to say, and without trying to get her to change, perhaps she will also become interested in your point of view about these things. Ask her what it was like when you were little, and ask her what her parents and in-laws did, and how she felt about it when she was the young mom. When you've done all of that, it's still OK to ask her to make some changes--but just because you ask doesn't mean she has to do it. Lighten up and have fun together with those beautiful kids!

I have learned to accept... My mom is similar, but doesn't watch my kids. Before I got a job she came down when she felt like it and that was that, which was ok with me. She has lots of money and even though she sees me and my husband strugle never offers to help. She send me clothes home but usually they are from the .99 cent store, family dollar or dollor general... I don't mind this either bc at least she makes a effort. She only has me anymore bc neither of my brothers want anything to do with her. I get so upset with her bc she doesn't seem to understand what I went through and she wasnt there and hasn't been for years... She does however put money up on christmas and birthdays into a college fund. She knows I could really use her help bc I have told her! I have even asked her to buy just a cheap thing of diapers just to help me out a little...I get so upset with her and yet I have to just let it go bc other then my kids, husband and his family she is the only one I have! Maybe try talking to her and just ask her to at least buy a little better diapers and clothes that will fit your daughter a little better. I am sorry about this and do not get me wrong I love my mom and am greatful for EVERYTHING she does do. I just think though that maybe she doesn't realize how well she has it... I say just speak to her bc thats what I did with my mom and she seems to help a little more within the past 1 1/2 year. If nothing comes of it just accept it bc sometimes no matter what you do or say some people will never get it! Just be thankful for the little things she does and don't expect her to be like other people bc every person is diffrent! Oh and on the coupon thing get her to use some huggie, pamper or luv coupons maybe that will get her to buy better diapers :)