Adult Children/Christmas Presents

Wow. Really? My Mother was my dearest confidant and friend. She died 5 years ago on Thanksgiving day. I miss her every single day, with every breath I take.

I wish she was here for me to bake cookies for. She would have loved everything about such a home made gift.

I will say it.
Shame on you.

I begged my mom to tell me what she and my dad wanted for christmas.. The truth is .. they want nothing, except for us to spend time with them.

We have the money to get them something, but they don't want it. They want us to spend time with them while they are healthy. Aslo anything they need/want, they just get it.

Why do you want a materail gift?

Wow -most prents would be thrilled with a homemade present. My parents always said not to spend any money on them.

Did you give her expensive gifts? Did you do it out of love or because you expected her to do the same for you?

Next year-feel free to give her cookies if it makes you feel better.

Did you count them to be absolutely sure there was exactly one dozen?

:(

After I read your previous post.... my take is that you view holidays, birthday's etc as time for presents for you, (me me me atitude). You have a pitty party if you don't get something materialistic.

Maybe you should look around and be thankful for what you do have....

Stop thinking about yourself and you might not refer to your daughter as your "adult child". How sad that you are this selfish.

You need to seek counseling if you actually consider harboring this much anger over a GIFT and to top it off, you are already considering ways to get even because of it??? WOW

You are lucky your "adult child" gave you the time of day if this is how you are 24/7.

Be thankful you have a thoughtful "adult child". She obviously did not get that trait from you.

My mom and dad would have been thrilled with a plate of cookies. See, they know the value of a gift like that, and value has nothing to do with dollars and cents. Because in our house, the currency isn't money, it's love and respect.

My parents, while they can buy whatever they want, appreciate the time and effort that go into making a plate of cookies. When I give them cookies for a present, it's not just about the end product. They know that I had take the time to decide on a recipe, buy the ingrediants, follow the directions to make the cookies, and most importsntly, I had to carve out of my day the time needed to make cookies. They know that when I bake for them, it's because I enjoy it, and want to share that with them. They are thrilled to get cookies for all the reasons I listed.

This may not be the popular answer, but I think you need to stop and think about all your daughter put into those cookies and realize she did it out of love and caring for you insteade focusing on how much money she spent. It's not about the money, but the time and effort. My parents would have been ashamed if they acted like you.

Just my opinion.

My daughter is a 19 year old college student (maxed out units) and is a server in a local family restaurant. She is super thoughtful and gives wonderful gifts but that isn't important to me one bit. Yes, I appreciate it. What I appreciate more than anything in the world is what a loving and close relationship we have. There is never a conversation that she doesn't say "Love you mom" and means it. She makes me laugh every day and is a great human.

I have really crappy, estranged parents so maybe this is why I appreciate an open,honest and loving relationship with my only daughter. To me it's not about the "stuff" but our relationship.

I feel very sad that you would stew about this for the next year and give cookies "to get your point across". Dedicate those emotions to building a closer relationship with your daughter.

Wow, entitled much?
In your last question you complained about your MIL forgetting your birthday.
Maybe your daughter thought a homemade gift would be more special.
I certainly won't be expecting my grown children to spend money on me, I'd rather they spend it or save it on/for themselves and/or their families.

I made my FIL cookies and quick bread a couple of Christmases ago. It had been a tough year, money was hard to come by, so I made things with love instead. I had a similar reaction from him, and I was so completely hurt, and will never forget such a mean spirited reaction to a gift that only had love and good intentions.

What a disgustingly selfish reaction to her gift. I think you shouldn't play games - you should tell her flat out what you've told us here. That level of honesty will at least spare her wasting any further time, energy, or money on you in the future.

ETA: By the way, if you don't feel any love from your stepdaughter, maybe this reaction to her is a perfect reason why. I will happily take a thoughtfully handmade gift from ANYONE, and regularly do because both my parents are amateur artists, and I am an artist as well. I give handmade gifts -- crocheted, drawn, painted, beaded, and baked -- all the time. If I ever had a reaction like this from anyone, they would never get a gift from me again, handmade or otherwise. 3-4 hours at the mall impresses me NOT AT ALL -- seriously, you have to find someone else's version of what's perfect for that person instead of making what you know is perfect.

If her gift was insulting and you think she knows it, then maybe she does. Good for her. I think you have gotten all you deserve.

not even going to read the other responses....I hope they all blasted your sad-demented take on life.

Christmas is about giving.
Christmas is about being thankful.

"the stepchild" deserves better than you as a role model in her life.

Perhaps to show your true colors, you should simply give your adult child a list of items you'd like and a dollar amount she's not to go UNDER. And then send the same list to your MIL with a date she's not to pass without either sending a gift or depositing money.

I have to admit that your two posts may possibly be the most "materialistic" questions I've read in a very long time. I'm a bit floored, quite frankly.

What the hell? Do you realize how expensive it can get to bake your own cookies? I do. Seriously. I've never heard of a parent wanting something material for a gift..

Are you for real? Maybe next year they should give you the dog poop in a bag on the front porch. Would you be more grateful?

Ugh, I've never seen something so rude. Are you 12? Christmas isn't about what gifts YOU get, I prefer to see my KIDS happy...no matter how old they are it will always be that way. Your poor kids...I can't imagine growing up with such a selfish mother.

Really? You want to hold onto that anger for a year, so you can give her revenge cookies? Bet that will do *wonders* for your relationship...

I got *nothing* from my folks this year, other than their presence, which I was truly grateful for. From outward appearances they are 'doing well', but I know that they have a lot of financial burdens to deal with which they don't discuss. I don't assume that a gift (or the lack of it, or the supposed quality of it) has anything to do with me, nor do I expect a gift from them. I'm a grown-up.

Oh, and my dear friend has a 'good job' and also is up to her eyeballs in paying off student loans she accumulated so she could go get that 'good job'. You never know...

I don't believe that it's your daughter who is the selfish one.

Homemade gifts are the best gifts to give and receive because they're made and given from the heart, with the most love. Or did you not learn that lesson from your own parents? Please get over yourself. Be grateful that you have a kind, loving, generous daughter that is able to cook and can provide for her family.

EDIT: Your SWH just makes you sound even worse and your step-daughter even better.

I tell my kids (one 24 the other 15) NOT to get me gifts for Christmas. What a waste of their money. My gift is that they are happy and healthy and enjoy the holidays with me. There is nothing I need that my 24-year-old with a good-paying job needs to get me. I would be happy with a plate of cookies. You sound very self-centered. That's no way to live a happy life.

(After your So-What-Happened -- next year if you like gifts from the mall so much, why don't you give her a list with links so she can order you exactly what you want, or go to the store and get it? I mean, getting things from the mall is what Christmas is all about, right?)

it's called karma.

however. two possibilities.

either your adult child worked hard on those cookies and truly gave them in the spirit of love and christmas and you spat in their face;

OR you raised them just like you and that was their way of "saying" that they couldn't care less about your happiness at christmas because they knew nothing they did would be good enough in your eyes anyway.

if you're this unhappy about something as trivial as a christmas present, most would say that's a huge clue to look within. as opposed to making yourself look like a complete B on a public forum.

Wow, between this and your other question you seem to think everyone owes you. Apparently you are concerned your in laws don't give you enough, your kids don't give you enough.....

You really need to figure out why you equate money with love because that just isn't how it is. The only selfish person I see here is you.

So next year why don't you nag her for money like you do your in laws, clearly they came though for you to your satisfaction. :(

Just curious, what did you give your in laws and your daughter?

remember it's better to give then receive. you sound very selfish. do you know where all her money goes too? we don't go all out for our parents.....and our parents would be happy with homemade cookies!!!

Wow!

Added: Thank Goodness you are NOT a direct relation to me. I truly would find a passive/aggressive way to put you in your place.
Whether or not this "stepchild who is a little off" YOU are the one who is a little off in your expectations.

wow!! really? ok im sorry but this ticked me off..my daughter n her hubby both have great jobs-I got home made fudge,gingersnaps,and a scarf she knitted..and my didn't get me or anyone else anything..and he owns 2 very successful buisneses..he did however take the time to put together a great dinner for us.he just bought a house 2 months ago and is completely renovating it-and doing a beautiful job-my daughter n hubby are looking to move into their house this summer.but the point is-be grateful that she even thought of you-doesn't seem like you have a ton of love for her.i think your being cheap n thoughtless for not looking at what she did give you...just my opinion..

Your adult child is in no way obligated to give you a gift at all.

Any gift you give a person should be done with an open heart, not as retaliation for feeling slighted for no good reason.

The choices you make on what to buy, how long to shop and the quantity of baked good you make are decisions that should be made because you like to do it. They are not to be used as a measuring stick for what other's do for you.

Your attitude needs serious adjustment. You're not being the kind of person that someone would want to cultivate a relationship with.

You can go tit for tat or you can accept the gift in the spirit it was probably intended. You are unlikely totally privy to all of your son/daughter's expenses. Further, if they actually made the cookies, then they took time to do something for you vs buying something meaningless in a store. Are you often picky about gifts? Maybe they thought this one was one you wouldn't be itching to return to the store. My stepdaughter is a fabulous baker and often gives us gifts of food instead of other things she cannot afford.

I felt very bad for one of my aunts when I found out that her mother (who she was not raised by - the mother's choice) would not accept cards that did not cost a certain dollar value. The FIRST thing she did was turn the card over to check the price. It wasn't that her daughter acknowledged her birthday. It was "how much do you think I'm worth"? That explained a lot of my aunt's behaviors as an adult.

So unless there's more history that you are willing to provide, that's my .02.

Wow, Ames....I take it greed is your vice. I think you need to work on your feelings that pricey gifts that arrive on time indicate that someone cares about you.

Yes, I think you should make her cookies next year. I hope she surprises you and accepts them graciously and with the thought that you love her, not with the thought that you suck because you didn't buy her something from a store.

It sounds like a lovely and thoughtful gift.

Your response? Not so lovely or thoughtful.

I suggest you start a new tradition for the adult children and parents. Pick a charity each year and everyone contribute to a family contribution. The children and parents rotate through picking the charity. No presents for the adults, who typically have a lot anyway and can be difficult to buy for. My family does this.

My parents tell me to keep my money. They don't want it. My mother said if I must buy her something then get her dish towels. Lol.
Every year for Christmas I make my dad his favorite cookies. This year I also gave them a mosaic since I am a glass artist and they are redoing one of their bathrooms.
I am not sure I really understand your attitude. How much do you think they should spend on your gift?

After reading your last question and now this one, it seems like your pretty big on gifts. Have you never heard of the saying that "Homemade gifts are the BEST gifts because they come from the heart"? I'm really curious though, what were you expecting or wanting from your child?

Maybe she doesn't want to exchange gifts with you anymore and this is her way of telling you.

Let's see. This year, my mom and dad gave us an upright freezer, a new set of Corningwear, and also (just for me) a pair of slippers, a pair of pants, and two tops.

What did we give them? Christmas portraits of their grandchildren, and a Christmas card.

There was a time when I would try to get them things, but they have everything, they don't NEED anything, and what they want, they buy. I caught my mom selling a gift I had given her (and I had to STRUGGLE to buy it) in a garage sale, and I thought...that's it. I'm no longer giving her meaningless "stuff"...

Plus, my mom returns everything my dad gets her for something else, EVEN IF it's something she asked for. And then she'll rag on him..."Why did you get me that? What am I going to do with that?"...or last year she wanted a Keurig, he got her one, and when we were there on vacation all I did is hear her complain about how much she hates the thing. WOW.

So, maybe you are a bit like my mom? I don't know. If I've got it all wrong, sorry.

I always thank my parents profusely for what they do for us, and try to make sure the children send them nice letters and cards and things that actually MEAN something. ;)

I have given our parents and grandparents pictures of our family the past two years. It's not much, but it's what we can afford and we both have "good paying jobs". It got too costly to get single gifts for everyone and it got to be a chore to figure out what people who have everything really need or want. I find it so much easier to get our pictures done, ask what sizes each wants and then place the order. I still spend a decent amount and they get something they like, a picture of their children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren.

I have tried to continue my parents' thoughts: Christmas is about spending time together and sharing a good meal with those close to you. It is about taking time to just be a family while enjoying the memories made, not about the amount spent on gifts, the packaging of the gifts, or the gifts themselves.

I am truly sorry you missed the fact that your daughter took time and money out of her supposedly "selfish" life to create something handmade/homemade for you to enjoy.

Your expectations were obviously not met with what you deem for this unacceptable and unappreciated gift. This is not what YOU had in mind as a good or great gift. However, this is what you got and you are unable to deal with this. Why? Because she has a good paying job does not automatically mean that this dictates the value of her gift giving. Maybe she is in debt, maybe she is strictly saving for something. You don't know and nor should you in any way ask "what gives with this lousy plate of cookies as my gift?" Gifts are optional and given at the discretion of the gifter. They are not mandatory and you seem to think that for these holidays/b-days that you SHOULD get something. You are likley hard to satisfy. What did you get her? You don't mention. Are you one of those people that give extravagant gifts and expect the same or do you just expect extravagant gifts from your children period? Even if you were expecting something more elaborate, you should kindly accept the gift and move on. You could have gotten nothing and that would have really rocked your world...unfortunately. Please do not give her a plate of cookies next year out of spite. That would be as tacky as this gripe you are posting.

In November, I paid my mother's property tax and by late November I told her I did so and said it was going to be her Christmas gift. I wasn't going to tell her until Christmas time, but two relatives passed away and I knew she wanted to do something for them financially.

I had to tell her about my gift to her so she would be able to share another gift with another family member.

Everyone is happy.

ETA: I found out with your SWH that this is a step adult child. You should be very pleased that she did what she did. As far as spending all the time you do at the mall to pick out gifts that what everyone wants to do. So please get over it and move on. You are making more out of it than there is.

Sometimes you have to forget about the job and the money they make. A gift at Christmas that was made with love is more than the gift that was bought because they have a good paying job. Perhaps she could not think of something you would like and thought that this gift from the heart would be better.

Both of my children have good jobs but they also have expenses and I don't feel I need to pressure them to get me a costly/expensive gift. They do what they can.

You must remember that she is out of the family home and in her own. Be grateful that she thought of you at all as many adult children don't.

Have a happy new year.

The other S.

Hey I just saw a pic of you on the net, no offense but you are a little old to be acting like such a spoiled brat. I mean really your step daughter does not need to learn the ropes. If you base your friendship and love for someone on what they give you, you are destined to die a very sad and lonely person. You really need a reality check, I'm sure the ladies of your church just love to hear how you bash people for what they do for you or give you. You may want to read a little scripture and find out the true meaning of Christmas.

There was someone who said "the most precious gift there is, is from the heart. A rock from a child is cherished as much as the biggest diamond because that is all the child had to give" My daughter who is in her late 20's would give a basket of goodies and a calender with pictures of the family to her grandparents. I can tell you we really missed getting that this year even though she plans on still doing one for everyone. She bought presents this year instead and I think they were wonderful, even if they weren't the same as the basket of homemade goodies and calender. Shame on you for not seeing a homemade gift from the heart is much more personal and loving then a store bought gift.

What exactly is the point you want to get across? That you only give gifts if you believe you will be receiving something equal in return? That you expect your daughter to dig deep into her pockets to purchase something from a store to show her love for you? Really?

I would adore something homemade, especially if I didn't have a single hand involved in the shopping for ingredients, actual baking or cleaning up of the kitchen. Maybe she is demonstrating what she learned from years of watching you do the same, what a wonderful gift!

I work two jobs and for several years gave my family (and other adults) baked goods for Yule because that's all I could afford. I was married to an alcoholic who drank himself out of work and into the hospital several times, almost lost my house, and had to replace a vehicle that after 14 years and 180,000 miles, finally couldn't be repaired anymore.

Hmm. This is riddled with problems. It sounds like you don't like your step child very much and maybe she doesn't like you either. You need to keep the peace for how our spouse feels. She at least gave you something (even though it was nothing to you). I know step children who would not. She may make good money as you put it but what type of bills does she have? There are too many questions about this situation to give a really good answer to you. I would say don't be petty and be the better person. You still need to live with yourself.

You should never expect any gift. I think homemade cookies are a nice thing to give, personally. As an adult I don't need or expect any gifts. I personally think that Christmas gifts are more for children. Anyway - I don't think you should let this bother you one bit.

It seems that there is way more to this situation than a Christmas gift. As another poster said, you refer to her as your "adult child." I suspect you are leaving a LOT of information out of your post. A few more details might get you better answers, although you don't even have a question, just a declaration of your irritation.

What were you hoping to receive for Christmas?

I don't know, we gave my FIL a fruitcake (he likes them), my MIL an assortment of flavored coffees and my parents some ornaments with our kids pictures in them.

Our parents don't expect much from us. Money is super tight. They have money, so they actually spend money on us for Christmas. But they do not expect much from us.

Our parents are older, so they can't do as many things as they used to. We might not spend a lot of money on them for Christmas, but we do lots of things for them throughout the year.

My kids are still very little, but I don't see myself ever having high expectations for pricey gifts from them.

You sound extremely judgmental.

I never expect presents. I am an adult. I don't need more things. Things do not determine how much someone loves me. If someone happens to give me something, I am grateful at the thought no matter what the gift. When I give a gift I do not expect a gift back. I give it for the sake of sharing something, especially something I have made. I rarely, if ever BUY something for an adult. If I give a gift to an adult in my life, I make it. How much money someone makes has nothing to do with anything.

Stepchild sounds perfectly fine and more sensible than you. Sorry to be harsh, but....

A., I'm with you. One dozen cookies? Is she trying to make some kind of statement? Are you sure there wasn't a spa day giftcard or something attached?

Couple of things to consider: you say she has a good paying job - but does she have a killer mortgage and super high car payments because she wants to live beyond her means? (We drive 10 year old, paid-for cars becuase we don't want to spend $1,000 monthly for cars & insurance.) She may be in debt up to her eyeballs. But that's still not an excuse to be so callous as to give 12 cookies as a Christmas present to your mom.

Are you hard to buy for? Many "empty-nesters" now have resources to get the things they want or need for themselves and their kids have no idea what to get their parents. In that instance I think 12 cookies is still lame - but it could be used as an excuse.

Have you not used, not appreciated or returned presents your child has given you in the past? Have you made comments upon opening the gift? Is she trying to send a message - although not a clear one?

Check the envelope of the Christmas card - there may be something else that you've missed.

Years ago when my husband and I were engaged but not yet married, he went to his mom's for mothers day and I went to see my mom. His mom's birthday is also close to mothers day and she had been hinting about the four of us (MIL, FIL and my not-yet-husband and I) going to a particular broadway show. Knowing that the tickets would cost about $250 for the 4 of us, (to see a show we had no desire to see) and calculating parking, tolls, restaurant, etc. we gave her this broadway show night as her Mother's Day and Birthday present. I drew and painted a card that looked like 4 tickets with wording that said "includes dinner and our chariot to wisk you to and from Broadway". Hours later my husband arrived home practially in tears and shaking with anger. His mom had opened the envelope and said "That's it? For my birthday and Mother's day? That's kinda cheap." Instead of him explaining the cost for the 4 of us to go on this Broadway night out he instead got really upset and just left. In her mind my MIL saw this a $50 - $65 gift since that would be her cost for lunch and a show if she went with the senior citizen group to a matinee. She had not factored in the cost for all of us to go, with dinner, to a regular, non-matinee show instead of a town subsidized bus trip for just her alone. My husband could not bring himself to talk to his mother for months - especially since his mother had always obviously favored my husband's twin brother (and admitted to that). If my husband could bake he would have given his mom 12 cookies that Christmas.

Bottom line is that your child messed up this year. Unless she is currently unemployed with little chance of getting a new job soon 12 cookies is not a gift for your mom. It's a gift for the crossing guard by your kids' school or the older-lady receptionist at your office. Is your child is wearing new clothes, driving a late model car and has nice furntiture? If so then it's clear that her priorities are self-directed.

I would very sweetly tell her that the cookies were delicious and pause. See if she has someting to add - are they cookies the two of you used to bake together when she was very young? See if she asks if you liked the gift card, etc. If there's no comment after your pregnant pause - move on. If that was truly the only gift there's a message - you have to figure out what the message is. You can ask - but with great gentleness "Have I done soemthing to hurt your feelings honey?" but be very careful of your tone of voice.

Good luck mama!

I wonder if there are other things going on in the relationship that lead you to feel she is being selfish. How are things between you guys in general? In terms of homemade gifts and $, any gesture, homemade or not, means a lot to me. Also, I tend to give homemade gifts to family. It is part of our tradition. For example, my parents were given a homemade decorated plate for Christmas. They seemed to love it.