My Mother-in-law Yelled at Me

Her husband hasn't been feeling well. She's catching that at home. You caught her stress. She went overboard. If this isn't a normal thing, I'd attribute it to her being on edge with a sick husband and let it go.

I wouldn't bring it up. BUT the next time she yells at you again, you need to tell her on the spot that she needs to stop yelling.

It's nothing to get upset about.
Let her yell if she wants to.
She's saying she cares about you and doesn't want you in a possibly vulnerable position.
I can understand the sentiment - and do as I see fit - without the 2 concepts creating any friction in my head.
Leave it alone!
Oh, and just don't tell her you're doing anything that you know will upset her.
(No more informing her you go out for any late night shopping.)

Yeah it really sucks when your in laws care about you so much they don't want you to get hurt.

Not saying you would get hurt but that was only caring so perhaps see it that way and move on.

it was nice of you to pick up what your in-laws needed.
it's nice that your MIL is so concerned for you. no clue what your town is like, but in most places it's probably a valid concern. not a giant one (i'm a late night wanderer myself) but it's sweet that she worries about you.
i mean, yeah, you're a grown woman and don't need to be chivvied. and if she really YELLED at you, you should have a conversation with her about treating you like an adult.
you know, an adult conversation.
but on the one hand you're annoyed that as an adult and mother you're being treated like a child, but on the other instead of just saying so with love and firmness, you're 'very upset' and 'hurt'.
at her concern.
leave your poor husband out of it. what a miserable position to put him in.
either accept that your MIL is a worrier (and a yeller) whose heart is in the right place and shrug off her flapping and squawking with an eyeroll and some appreciation, or speak to her courteously about it and tell her what you require from her.
being all wounded and expecting your husband to fix it does not demonstrate the mature calm competence you claim, KWIM?
off topic, but i'm curious, since i tend to grocery shop for the invading huns even though it's now just two of us- how do you haul your groceries and somebody else's home, even a few blocks? i know many many people do, it just bends my brain!
khairete
S.

My response was eaten by the system - lovely.

Basically I said I agree with your MIL and it wasn't safe for you to do that. If her yelling at you over concern for your safety is your biggest problem, be thankful.

I think Patricia hit the nail on the head, suggesting that your mother-in-law is probably exhausted in taking care of your father-in-law. She cares about you, too, which is nice considering all of the many posts I've seen here about Mother-in-laws who regularly come between couples. I'd let it go this time and kindly set her straight the next time. Reassure her that you do feel safe and that if you didn't, you have a backup plan. (Pepper spray in your pocket might make *her* feel safer for you.)

Unless you have had continual issues with her, I'd really try to let this one go. Yes, your feelings were hurt, but did she *mean* to hurt your feelings? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she's worried and tired and dealing with a sick person is no picnic. Sometimes people who are stressed become controlling because they trying to make sure more stress isn't loaded on their plate.

No, she didn't have a 'right' to yell at you, but it does sound like she's stressed. And the next time, I'd just avoid it. Tell her that you are going shopping (without saying when) and that you'll bring things over in the morning. Period. Sometimes we offer more information than is necessary, and if you know something(after-dark shopping) is a big trigger for someone, it's okay to leave it out.

Your MIL probably watches a lot of Dateline and Forensic Files so don't take it personally. She was just worried about you and things do happen to women who are out alone in the dark.

I'm with your husband....and your MIL too. I don't think it was a safe thing to do either. Maybe she didn't handle it in the best way but her motive was love.

Everyone needs a MIL who cares so deeply for their DIL!!!!!!!!

We often say that we would like it if others treated (us, our children, our parents) as they would treat their own. She did just that. That was a huge clue of how much she loves you and sees you as her own daughter.

I agree that you are a grown woman and unless you live in a very bad neighbourhood you should be able to walk to the store by yourself in the evening. I also agree that your MIL yelled at you out of concern. Thank her for her concern, but remind her that you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions.

Let it go for now. If it happens again, you can calmly say "Thank you for being so concerned about me. I love you too. But I'm also a grown woman, and I can decide this for myself."

I am shocked, just FLOORED that people are saying it wasn't safe for you to be out by yourself at 9 PM?! To go to the store? I've shopped at night many times. Hell when my kids were little I actually preferred to shop at night, it was like a break for me.
Even my teenagers have an 11 PM curfew on Friday/Saturday nights!!!
This is just nuts. You are an adult. You have things to do, it shouldn't matter whether it's the middle of the day or the middle of the night, as long as you are aware of your surroundings and not driving/walking around in some kind of gangland then what is the problem?
As far as your MIL, you can kindly say mom, I really do appreciate your concern but I'm an adult and very capable of being out on my own in the evenings, so please don't yell at me.

She loves you.
And she probably wasn't thrilled with her sick husband texting everyone that late to run errands. I'll bet he got an earful, too;).
Let it go.........

Are you extra sensitive to tone? My kids are sensitive like that, especially depending on their mood. Sometimes if I say anything that can be construed as "negative" to them, they'll call it "yelling" My guess is that you were caught off guard that instead of giving you generous and warm appreciation for going out of your way to do this nice helpful thing for her, you got criticized, and it stung. I don't know because I didn't hear it, but I wonder if it was really "yelling" or you just perceived it that way. Perhaps your MIL is just more of a safety-conscious and hyper-vigilant personality type. Not everyone is going to agree on the line between what's reasonable or not for a female to be out walking alone after dark. The news stories about horrible events can be pretty impactful to a lot of people, and others are just more determined not be overly dictated by fear. I've had a lot of disagreements with people about whether or not a certain area is a "safe" neighborhood.

You're a grown woman. You should have told her when she started yelling, "I'm a grown woman, I will walk where I please, when I please. Now stop yelling, and tell me in a normal voice what you need from the store." If she continued to yell, you should have hung up.
But you didn't do that. So do it the next time it happens, (and it will, because you allowed it to happen the first time).

I can imagine that you needed to vent, but now that you've done that, put it behind you and move on. Think about it - if YOUR child called and said he/she was going to walk somewhere after 9:00 p.m., which means they are walking back probably closer to 10:00 p.m., would you be concerned? She's a mother, not just your mother-in-law. She worries. Also, consider if something happens to you, she would have to step up to help raise the kids. She does have some skin in this game!

It nice that she cares that much for you that she treats you like one of her own. I know it sucks to get yelled at, but think of it if one of your children doing something that scares you, you will most likely yell at them. Not to be mean, but more of a reaction.

Also, one of my cousins lived in Queens, NY (not sure if it was Flushing) and she would not go walking around alone at night. For those of you that think it is perfectly safe, you really should know an area that someone is living in first. Not everyone lives in Mayberry.

Suz t. it is easier to shop with one of these (see link), I had one when I lived in NJ in my younger days (I had no car at the time). Also, living in the city or urban areas is different. You don't need to get as much at one time when the stores (bodega's) are a couple of blocks away.

https://www.healthykin.com/p-1359-black-metal-folding-gro...

Be thankful she cares about you.

I don't know where you live but people, especially women, are attacked in broad daylight at the nice high end malls around here.

I'd never walk at night and I carry a stun gun day and night.

Use common sense when out walking and never be over confident in your safety!

What a sweetheart for doing the shopping. I'm sorry you got yelled at. I am particularly sensitive and when yelled at, I tend to get hurt. If this was a one time occurrence, I suggest you let it go. We all make mistakes. However, if this became a pattern, I know I would have to gently say "Mom, please don't yell at me." and then be ready for "I'm not yelling at you." and respond "Well, whatever you call it, it's hurting my feelings, please stop."

Judging by the way you wrote this, I'm assuming this was the first time she has ever done anything like this. If so, just let it go. If it happens again, tell her that you are a grown woman and are capable of taking care of yourself. She was just concerned because she knows what sort of evil and sick world we live in. Its sort of the same idea as you not wanting your kid to walk around by themself at night. She's just concerned for your safety, and she didn't mean to hurt you.

You're making too much of this. Most woman on here say they hate their MIL's or their MIL's hate them. She obviously cares about the mother of her grandchildren and doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. And let's face it, bad things happen, especially to woman walking late at night.

Try to let it go. If I got upset every time my MIL said or did something that I thought was out of line my marriage would have ended a long time ago.

Well, what does yelling mean? Did she "let you have it"? Or did she really yell, like raising her voice hard and loud?

It's nice that she cares about your safety. But what she could have said is "Please don't go out this late. Can you go tomorrow? I worry about you being okay out alone. I wish you wouldn't go out by yourself."

But she didn't. And in your case, it's "no good deed goes unpunished..."

I doubt that other people will agree with me, but if I were in your shoes, I'd tell my husband who thinks that it's okay for his mother to act this way that HE can run errands for them from now on. And stick to that.

If your MIL "yells" about something else, open your mouth and tell her that it hurts your feelings for her to act this way towards you and that you don't want her to do it anymore. If she continues, excuse yourself or tell her that you need to hang up the phone. The only way she will learn is if you stand up for yourself.

I personally think you should say something. Some relaxed evening when you and your MIL are enjoying each other's company gently tell her that you love her but it was totally unacceptable for her to yell at you. Tell her she may not yell...that is not respectful. Tell her you feel strongly about this and it really hurt your feelings. Then give her a hug and tell her you love her and you know she was just worried but to please not yell again.

It's hard to know what you mean by yell, and in what tone etc.

I myself would not stand for being yelled at - as in someone was being unkind, mean, nasty .. then of course, I'd say something.

But if she raised her voice out of concern, that's a whole other thing entirely.

So - really hard to answer your question.

I would think if she doesn't have a history of her yelling at you to be mean, this is just a on-off she's concerned for you, then I wouldn't make a big deal. If YOUR mother spoke to you like this, would it upset you (over going walking late in evening).

I myself would not walk when dark by myself. That's me. I have my family to think about. I don't know your neighborhood, or if it's well lit, lots of people about - so this is really hard to answer.

My MIL has issues and is unkind, but because she's not well emotionally. She gets very angry at times. That's different. That's a matter of me standing up and having boundaries. I don't think this is the same thing.

Next time, do not offer to get them groceries at this time. That's my advice :)