My Mom Makes My Blood Boil....

Ditto on the skype suggestion.

And one more thing, could be worse, she could live RIGHT DOWN THE STREET, then where would you be?!

:)

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She wants to be a Grandma but since you live so far away she doesnt know how or what to do. I have the same problem with my granddaughter being in Georgia and I'm in California... it's very hard when you dont get to be around your grandkids and you have to try to make some crazy schedule to see them and make it all work. I feel sorry for your mom because I'm sure she wants quality visits with her grandbabies. Have her come out to visit when you know the weather is good and Disney is not too crowded, so what if its during the school year? I think your mom just sounds afraid of you two spending time alone with each other while the kids arent there for a distraction. I had that with my mom too. It's kind of immature really, but you can only do what you feel.

She can't ask for what she wants. She expects you to figure it out and give it to her. That way she doesn't have to take responsibility for what happens and she can complain about it instead.

Try asking her direct questions and if she just whines or talks about why she can't do something, just ignore the whining and ask the question again:
You: "Mom, would you like to talk to your grandchildren?"
Mom: "Wah Wah Wah, I'll have to talk to them another time.
You: "Mom, I'm happy to get them for you, would you like to talk to your grandchildren?"

You can't change your mom but you can train her. If you don't let her sidetrack you with her complaints and you stick to direct, multiple choice or yes/no questions, you will force her to be clear and to own her own decisions.

No matter what you do, I think dealing with your mom is going to be exhausting. Bless you for reaching out to her in spite of her bad attitude! If your mom doesn't shape up, I hope you know you've done all you can, and enjoy the fact that she is far far away.

I like what has been said.

So now turn it around. Based on what she says she will not do , and what you will not do, what is left?

When is a time the kids are not in school and you would be willing to get outside and go and do stuff. Is there a week here or there available?

Maybe meet up in a different place? A different private beach?

Work it out, the 2 of you are wasting time. The kids will only be this age right now.

I totally get what you're saying!!! I think our moms are related. I live about 800 miles away from my mom and you would think I lived on another planet. I am denying her the right to be a "real" grandma because I ran away. I am 32, married, moved here for a good job...I am not a 16 year old run away. I have to hear how she doesn't know her grandchildren at all and how she "wastes" all her vacation time to visit grandchildren (my brother lives in another state as well). I've flown home a couple times but I've offered to pay for her to come out here as it is easier to have grandma travel than it is to have a family of 4 to travel, and she can stay in my house where as she doesn't have a place for us to stay. But I am mean and awful and am keeping her from knowing her grandchildren.
She makes me so mad with all her whining and mind games but she's my mom so I guess I just have to deal with it.
Sorry you have one of those mothers too.

Yeah, I'm with you. I really like my parents; they are fun people and I get along with them really well. BUT - my husband and I went to great lengths to move our lives and careers to a town 3 hours away (where my parents lived) because my parents were always complaining that they never got to see the grandkids. Well, for the first 2 years they came over a lot and saw my kids all the time. Then due to the economy we had to move to the other side of town (maybe a 15 minute drive from my parents) because the other side of town was way more affordable (hello, economy!). My parents came over maybe once a month, and would say, "Well, if only you hadn't moved so far away!" (What?!) AND THEN, insult on top of injury, my dad applied for a promotion and got it, and they moved 1500 miles away! And there we were, stuck in a town that we moved to ONLY because my parents wanted us to move there so they could see the grandkids! And now... you guessed it, they complain that they don't get to see the grandkids enough!

It is what it is... can't let other people make you crazy. They really only want to see you on their terms. I am scheduling a vacation and I'm inviting them to come if they like... and if not, oh well, I tried. Maybe you can try the same?

Q. How many people does it take to change a light bulb for a {put ethnicity/religion here} mother?

A. None. I'll just sit here in the dark.

It's not you, it's her. You can't make a relationship for her and the kids; only she can. Sorry my answer isn't more helpful.

Yup, I know the feeling.

my MIL is very sweet, but also has a bit of the passive-aggressive thing going on. it makes me nut up because i'm just not wired for that.
that being said, you don't have to sit and boil. as nancy says, you can train her so that even if her basic personality remains passive-aggressive (which it will) she won't be so quick to try it on you.
suggest that she come out during spring or winter break. research summer activities that don't involve theme parks (i'd avoid them too! blegh for long lines!) to suggest if she wants to come out in summer. as a san diego resident, you certainly know a lot of fun things to do that only residents know about. if she asks where the children are, respond with 'why? wanna talk to 'em?'
getting skype and setting up a regular weekly session is a great idea.
with MIL i offer choices, not in a condescending way but really very much like dealing with a toddler. rather than asking her what she wants to do, i suggest 2 or 3 things that i think we might both like and are do-able, and thus avoiding the 'i don't know, hon. whatever you think' followed by the inevitable falling-of-the-face when my suggestion isn't what she wants.
with a little forethought, we direct types can conquer the onslaught of the passive-aggressives!
:) khairete
S.

Yeah, totallly get you on this. BUT, the bottom line is that you will never get some folks to be what you want them to be. Either accept them as they are or just distance yourself for your own sanity.

Ask her to come visit when the kids have a week off. My kids are home this week in Massachusetts for Spring Break.

Just tell her she has to come in the school year because the kids are going to summer camp for 8 weeks in the summer.

I get it but you don't have to let her get away with it. Be oblivious. Whatever she says - just say, ok! She says she'll have to come this summer. Ok! You know she doesn't HAVE TO... Don't bother arguing it verbally or mentally. Of course she could just ask to speak to the children. If she doesn't, it's her problem. All of this is her problem. Don't let her make it yours. Likely it's guilt. You still want to ultimately please your mother. But remind yourself she's an adult. She's responsible for herself. Start driving her crazy by not falling for these little things!

I totally get what you are saying. My mom lives in Germany and talking to her on the phone can be a pain in the neck. Also when they visit I have to make sure months ahead that spring break falls within the timeframe of visit. They will not come during the summer vacation because it is way to hot here for them. All I can tell you is take a deep breath and be patiente. Soon enough the kids are grown and grandparents health going down hill....so right now is the time to enjoy...even if it means standing 3 hours in line for one ride...

Maybe you could invite her during spring break? Lol. I know what you mean though... she wants to be the family martyr and she wants you to feel guilty about putting her out. Gotta love people who pull that stunt. :P

Who else could turn a woman who has kids of her own into that terrified teenager that just wants to please our mom? You are a grown woman now and I would just call her bluff. If she doesn't ask to speak to the kids, don't worry about it. Say ok talk to you later. Why play her games you have enough going on? If she hate to visit during school year or summer maybe make a suggestion that you meet somewhere for a week? A camping trip or whatever, make the suggestion and if she shoots it down, let her know that they are her grandkids and they are here if she wants to see them, leave it up to her and if she misses out it's her own fault. You have given her enough chances and it's time you leave the ball in her court.

How frustrating! I have this problem with people too. Maybe she is just sad that she lives so far away, and wants to come but also wants to take full advantage of the time with the kids. She isnt expressing herself correctly but maybe she just doesnt know how to do it. And that she doesnt want to inconvience your family by wanting to go to those places, but still does want to go.

Let her know how you feel. Tell her that you want to be more open and honest and not feel like you have to play a game to talk to her.

I think everyone knows people like this and it is particularly frustrating when that person is your mother.

My MIL has a the same-type of mother. In her age, my MIL instead of becoming angry has accepted the reality that her mother is unpleasant and pities her. It will never be a pleasant reality for my MIL, but it is a tolerable one that does not exhaust her emotions. Anger is simply draining and unproductive.

She will always make you angry until you recognize that she will NEVER change. If you want a relationship with her, you must accommodate her - just like you did in the instance you described with calling the kids downstairs. But know that you choose to accommodate her, not because it may change or teach her something, but because you want your children to know her.

oooh man!!! this isn't just passive-aggressive - this is a W. who wants to be the center of attention and wants it her way.

DO NOT let her treat you inferior. Bottom line her - "mom - what do you want from me?" Or what do you expect from me?

San Diego doesn't get that hot in the summer - it's a BEAUTIFUL town - I lived in Poway - THAT gets hot.

Disneyland is a zoo in the summer - I don't blame you for not wanting to go. There are a ton of other things to do in the summer that doesn't involve the tourist traps....Capistrano, take a drive up to Monterey, but ask her what she wants to do with the kids.

What's the problem with her coming during the school year?????
Do you work and she'd be home alone?
What's wrong with the two of you getting some quality time in together?!

I know when my parents come out during the summer - I am the meanest mommy ever - I send them to summer camp during the day so I can get my time in with my parents - they are both in their 70's and don't have as much energy as they used to have....so it helps that we get stuff done around the house and our time together....and they get them after they have a lot of their energy out!! (yahoo!)

Any way - tell her that summer is GREAT - there are more things to do than go to Disneyland....why wait in line in the heat?! Go to the beach!! La Jolla is (or at least was) wonderful!

Take in a baseball game! Go Padres!!!

W. Animal park isn't bad either - yeah - it's hot - but it's spread out so it's a tad bit more fun....I don't know - just pushing ideas out there.

Either way you slice it - you need to take charge and not let your mom treat you poorly. DO NOT LET HER CONTROL YOU or your feelings....when she realizes this - her attitude may change. If not - then continue to be nice and matter of fact...no need to be rude. If she knows she's getting you upset then she's, in essence, won and gets her way.