My Husband's Lack of Involvement with Our Baby

Let me tell ya something that I WISH I had been told, among many others things......Although it doesn't pertain to ALL dads, so many dads just aren't into babies. They don't do anything but lay there, and if you place them in men's arms, they're like "okay, now what?" It's like, they're missing that part of loving holding babies that women have. Women can just sit there and hold babies.....men can't. My husband was the EXACT same way, and I asked him about it and he said "well I don't know what to do with her when you hand her to me" It wasn't that he wasn't into her. Once the kids started playing back with him, he played with them more and more. As soon as they were crawling, he was letting them crawl all over him, and now at ages 6 and 7, there are some serious wrestling matches going on, and football games in the den. So, give him time. It's definitely not something that you can get all down about because chances are, he's just not a baby type dad, like mine. It's out of his comfort zone.

I can't really suggest anything, but I can sympathize. My husband was the same way. I even sat him down numerous times to tell him how I felt, what I needed and it was like I was talking to the wall. Hang in there, I see a change finally and my son is one.

There are some dads that do not feel like they are really helping the baby by just being around them. They do better once the child can walk and especially talk.

I understand what you are saying. You both worked so hard for this baby and now he does not seem to be as involved as you had expected.

You need to quit pushing him though, cause it will just frustrate him and make him feel like a failure.

. Instead I suggest when he is out in the garage working on something, stop what you are doing and take the baby out to the garage and the 2 of you keep him company.

Take the stroller out there and let her sit in it and watch dad.
If she can sit up put her in a playpen with toys. Get a jumpy and place it in the doorway so she can bounce, bring her swing out to the garage and let her sit in there and watch dad..

Encourage him to talk about what he is doing.. "Look, dad is fixing the lawn mower". "Dad is building a shelf". "Do you hear the hammer banging?" "Ooo, what is this song on the radio?" "Do you hear the dog barking." "Look the cat walked into the garage."

If you have a baby carrier to wear on his back, place your child in it while he rakes the yard, while he waters the yard..,

He just needs to see he can spend time with her, but it does not need to be always holding her or "playing with her" every moment he is watching her..

This is a transition for all of you. Just let him know he is a great dad and his daughter is going to be fascinated by everything he does. When she is with him and he is "watching her" it does not mean he has to hold her the whole time or keep her occupied. At this point she will love hearing his voice and watching him move around and that is the best stimulation for her right now..

I had the same feelings when our DD was born, and it also took us several years to get pregnant. I was distraught, feeling like he just wasn't interested in being a parent and that I was going to be a "married single parent." But then our daughter started walking and talking and, according to my husband, "being more fun and less all-about-Mommy," and they are quite the pair. They go to auto races, monster truck rallies (he even bought her a pair of fancy headphones to protect her ears), the aquarium, and hockey games. They have tea parties and picnics in the living room. And she's still only 3. Give him time. Some men are just so overwhelmed by how mother-centered babies are, they just don't bond as soon as we do.

Sometimes new Dads get ridiculed for the way they hold or play with the baby. It only takes one negative remark from Mom to make Dad feel uncomfortable enough to not want to touch the baby for fear of getting told he's done something wrong. Always remember that Dad does not do the same things with baby that Mom does. Baby learns how to react to both parents and there is no one right way, there is Mom's way and Dad's way.
Your baby is only 4 mos old so she really hasnt even been around long enough yet for a real pattern to start. I don't think you should feel bad if Daddy calls his own Dad over while you are gone, I think its great that your daughter has Daddy and Grandpa watching over her while Mommy is out. Chances are that Grandpa will be the one that teaches Dad how to interact with his daughter. Don't fret. And as she gets older and more mobile, trust me, she'll have your husband wrapped around her little finger and you will soon forget these feeling of resentment which will probably be replaced with envy of their relationship.

I don't think it is unusual for a new dad to not know what to do with a newborn and to sort of avoid it and let you do everything. One: they don't know what to do and feel silly. Two: they can't play (which is one area dad's are usually GREAT with kids in a way moms tend not to be). Three: it's a little scary, especially if he's never "handled" an infant before.
And sometimes Four) Mom gives too many directions and doesn't let Dad figure things out in his own way in his own time.

That said, it does seem a little beyond the "usual" lack of involvement for him to call his own father over to visit with the baby while you go to the store. Maybe he is really scared he'll hurt the baby or that he won't know what to do if she cries and he can't admit it?

I would suggest that you take advantage of your late stage post-partum excuse (lol) and tell Dad on Saturday afternoon, that gosh, you are suddenly feeling the lack of sleep from being up with her last night, and you need to go lie down for a little bit. Then do. Don't worry about getting her down for a nap before you lie down. Make it a point to do this after she has been fed but is still wide awake. Surely he won't call his Dad to come over with you there napping in the next room. Yet, he won't be alone at home with her where he can't get your help if something "terrible" were to happen. So you could sort of "force" him to spend time with her. Once you use the "nap" trick, then you have to use it. In other words, the first time she cries.. you can't pop out of the bedroom to take over if she doesn't shush in 15 seconds... you have to stay in your room and let dad handle it. If he comes and brings her to you, (and it isn't time to nurse) just feign that you really are just too tired to deal with it right at the moment, and the lack of rest is giving you a splitting headache, and cant he please just walk her around outside or take her on a walk in the stroller or something for 10-15 minutes...? Then lay back down and close your eyes.
It will be hard. But often, Dad's just need a chance to realize that they CAN handle it. He doesn't have to do everything the way you do (and he probably won't!), but he'll figure out his own way of doing things that works for him and your daughter. Once he gets that confidence, then you will be amazed at how he will step up and be that wonderful Dad you know is in him!

For some reason it is easier for many men to bond when the child gets a little older and can interact more with the father. My husband was the same way. Give him time and keep encouraging one on one time with out pushing too hard.

I found with my DH that he really needed to be asked to do specific things for/with our DD. "Honey, could you please change her diaper?" "Honey, I am going to defrost a bottle for her, would you please feed her?" "Honey, could you start running DD's bath while I nurse her? Also please set out her pajamas?" If I didn't speak up and make a suggestion or a specific request, he wasn't sure what to do to help. She is nearly a year now and I still need to do this sometimes. I think women are better at knowing what needs to be done, or done next, and men just don't think about it.

If your DH is calling his dad for help, he might just not feel very confident with his infant care skills. Maybe he needs you to show him, or needs to go to a class or read up on how to take care of a baby. Good luck and take care.

Your husband sounds like almost every other husband out there! Most men are not as helpful as we would like. I also think that most men tend to shy away from baby time when they are so little, I think it really makes them a bit nervous or something. They tend to spend more time with the kids once they become more mobile. If he's having his dad come over when you leave him with the baby, it could be that he's just scared to be with the baby alone. I would just leave him with her more often so that he can get used to the idea. And simply hand her over for him to feed from time to time. Just tell him you need a break and it's his turn :).

i haven't read all the responses but will give you my experience. my husband thought we were having boys, and he had a somewhat hard time adjusting to the idea i was carrying girls. after the girls were born he'd do the bare minimum, after being asked, or after undergoing a silent treatment. i was shocked and appalled. my husband is a very nice calm guy. not a mean bone in his body. it bothered me that he just didn't want to be around babies. i did it all the entire first year. i was miserable. i was mad at him. he'd wake up at 3 am, find me still awake tending to twins, he'd take a shower get dressed and say i just have to go to work, i am not getting any sleep. wow. slap in the face. it really affected my marriage.
then things changed as my twins grew older. wow. i mean he still hates doing household chores or helping with homework etc but he calls our 5 year olds the loves of his life. one of my twins, even though i totally get jealous about it, says her daddy is her hero. they're so close. he says he cannot imagine having boys instead of our girls. he's so sweet to them. he still does nothing that is considered a chore but weekend comes around he's outside planting stuff with our girls. they get muddy, wet, crazy, but he loves every minute of it.
i asked him once (or a thousand times) what changed, and he said mothers have the motherly instinct the minute the babies are born. he said he felt not ready for the amount of work that came with birth. he was overwhelmed. not ever did he think he didn't want anything to do with the babies but he didn't know what to do, they were fragile, dependent on me and my feedings and my love for then. he felt like an outcast.
i really cannot express into words how things changed around 15 months of their age. he became a father right around that time.
i guess nowadays i understand and i am thankful i didn't kick his behind out of the house, which i had contemplated on doing about a million times during that first year of sleepless nights. glad i didn't. he's truly an awesome dad now.
so i say hang in there. things will change

I agree with what a lot of the other Momma's have said, a lot of men just don't know what to DO with an infant!! They don't understand that they can interact with a child even though they aren't getting any "feedback" that they can see. Teach him by example, let him see you talking with your baby, playing, comment (to the baby not him!!! You need to be sneaky ...lol) about how she reacts to you. "I know Abby, I see that you love it when I talk to you, don't you?" "OH Janie, you just think it is SO funny when I make faces at you!!!"
Most importantly, do NOT make your husband feel like he has somehow 'failed' at being a Daddy to your little girl!! That could have some long term consequences that you would not like at all.
I think it is somewhat natural for a new Father to feel a little "left out of the loop" with a new baby who is breast fed. Your baby is no doubt really connected to you, and you are the one who can comfort her, by breastfeeding, when she is hungry,tired,or hurt. Give him a little time, she is getting to the point where he is going to suddenly see her as a "little person" and she will actually start to be "fun" to be around!!!
Be patient, be upbeat and it will happen!!!

what you are feeling is perfectly normal. and what the other moms said is right. a lot of men don't really know what to do with an infant. i'm sure he'll be a great dad. just try to be patient, and encourage him to spend as much time with her as you can. it took my husband a long time too. you said yourself he's great with kids - not necessarily infants! hang in there.

I wish I had a good answer to help you out now but I think this is one of the hardest parts of becoming a first time parent. Husband involvement was a major issue in our mommy group but honestly, once the kids got older all the husbands really did help out more and spend more time with the kids. Also, it might help now to give him a daily task. Like my husband was in charge of the bath everyday and to this day (my son is almost 4) he still gives him his bath. I think it really helped him bond more and to know that he had one responsibility every day for his child gave him some confidence to take on a little more. Also, try to remember this is a really hard adjustment for the Dads. More than the moms and it can be pretty damaging to their ego to see their wife focus on the baby so much. It just takes some time to adjust to this new life.

The other responses are good. I will add one observation.

You say he is good with kids. What age kids does he light up with? Some people are naturally baby-people and some people are naturally kid-people. My husband is a baby person and could not get enough of cuddling with the baby. My favorite age is the toddler and and he has less patience than me with that age.

I'm not excusing him, and he does need to make an effort more involved. I'm offering hope that as she gets older, he may naturally become more comfortable spending time with her.

Many men aren't particularly interested in babies, and get much more involved with their kids when they can walk and talk. Hopefully that will be the case with your daughter.

I would sit down with him when the baby is napping and calmly tell him exactly how you feel and what you expect from him as a father. Tell him about how he needs to spend time with his daughter now, that it's important for her and for him. Talk about things like the need to stop calling his dad whenever he's alone with the baby, the work outside and in the garage needing to be balanced with time on the floor with the baby or on the couch holding her. Talk about how much you both wanted to be parents and how you feel like you're doing it alone, which you know isn't what he wants either. Show him how to do things for the baby, but have him spend a whole day taking responsibility for her with you present-getting her up in the morning, changing her and picking out her clothes (who cares if she matches), bringing her to you to nurse and all 3 of you sitting together while she eats, preparing a bottle of breast milk and feeding her himself, burping, giving her a bath, putting her to sleep, bringing her to you in the middle of the night for feedings if needed, the whole shebang, ALL DAY LONG. You can't take over and you can't just do it for him, because he needs to see that he CAN do it so that he'll start wanting to. Write out her normal schedule and what you do to make bottles, etc. and post it on the fridge. After that, have them spend Daddy-Daughter time while you take a bath, take a nap and then work up to you leaving the house for errands or to go grocery shopping, etc. but he's not allowed to call in help. Stress that this is their special time and if she's a little dirty or a little disheveled or a little fussy when you return, don't chicken out and don't criticize. As long as she's fed and safe, let him find his rhythm with her. A lot of men are intimidated with infants because they simply have never been taught what/how to do and as moms, we don't realize that we've just taken over instead of teaching until we're feeling like single-parents in a 2 parent household. I wish you lots of luck and I hope things get better.

Hey there

I'd like to echo a lot of the responses here, it will get better :) I also want to validate you feelings of frustration, when our expectation aren't met we can all feel off-balance. My honey was the one excited about the baby during the pregnancy, I was freaked out, this was never in my plan and he already had 4 boys, the youngest lived with us. I figured he would be super hands on with the baby, like he was with the 5 year old. Man o man was I surprised when we brought the baby home and "set up shop" in the bedroom.

I couldn't believe how little he did with the baby. I felt like we were exhiles in the bedroom while the whole world had parties without us. I had to BEG for a few minutes of shower time (twice a week if I was lucky) and whenever I would hand the baby to him so I could cook he would hold Z for a couple of minutes then put him in the little baby chair, place that on the floor in the kitchen and then go back to his video game, TV watching, visiting, etc. It drove me crazy and I blew up at him a few times. His response was always the same: "right now he needs you, not me. I am not the breast feeding mommy, you are. When he is older I will do more with him, I promise. "

Z is almost a year old now, we still breastfeed and will for another year or so but my honey is so much more interactive with him. Heck, when I went back to work I was terrified because my honey was about to become a stay at home dad and I could not imagine him doing it since he had been so "stand-off-ish" for the first 5 months. They worked it out :)

Dads serve a different purpose in the lives of babies than mommies, and we often forget that. When your daughter is a little older, interactive and "interesting" I bet your husband will be more involved as well. I know how hard it is to feel like you are doing it all, just remember that this time goes by so fast and soon you will be wondering if she likes daddy more than you (I have that now at times and it is wierd)

Hugz and Happy Mother's Day to you!

I haven't read the other posts yet, but you are not crazy. You just want hubby to care. He sounded however like he clearly thinks that you are the caretaker. At least surfacewise. I think he has attachment problems and is afraid to get too close. Sort of fear of abandonment thing so he abandons first. I know, I know, doesn't make sense. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. It is interesting he invites his to dad over (where is his mom? that would be the usual caretaker). So, dad and grandpa and baby bond. Be glad someone is watching baby. Baby will get older and you see changes then, and I promise you you might be writing a letter to us about how nobody wants to spend time with you! Everyone has their own rhythm. Yup, hubby is a little selfish right now, but your turn could come. You'll see. Meantime, hug em both for us.

Don't be too upset about this. It's fairly normal for a man to not feel comfortable doing things for and with a child until they are around a year old and begin to walk and be able to do more things. If he will change the occasional diaper, you are already ahead of the game, because a lot of fathers won't even do that much. My guess is that the reason he asks his dad to come over when you are out and ask him to watch the baby is that he doesn't feel confident that he is going to do a good job with her, and he wants some 'back-up'. Be patient with him, give him all the encouragement you can... tell him when he does something for or with her how much you appreciate his efforts. If he doesn't do something exactly the way you would do it, don't criticize (unless of course what he does may be actually harmful and you need to show him how to do it safely). It's ok for babies to be held differently by different people or for the diaper to not be quite as smoothly or firmly put on, or for the bottle to be held at a slightly different angle... whatever he does that is not exactly the way you might do it yourself. Most of all, just give him the time to be ready to bond with her. He has already suggested to you that he'll be more comfortable doing things with her once she's older, so give him the respect to recognize that is his way. My guess is that in a few months you're going to be feeling slightly jealous as that little girl begins to show that she wants to be a "daddy's girl" and you start to feel like he's taken over and they've left you out.
I've gone through that with three grandchildren in the past six years, and am now going through it with children in our home daycare. Our little six month old daycare child is starting to show her preference for "Poppa" over "Grammie" now and I'm having to remember that even though they really love the attention they get from my husband, they still need me and it doesn't mean that I'm left out at all.

Wow, that sounds familiar. We had issues with our first (a girl) that were similar. I made the mistake of being a helicopter when he was doing something (to make sure he was doing it right - lol) and that was part of it. I finally learned that he may not do everything the same way and she would survive (except safety issues).

He also didn't know what to do with an infant. So I found a book about 365 ways to make a baby laugh. He didn't do everything, but he found some things that worked for them.

He also loved having the babies in packs (front pack until they got big enough for backpacks) and taking them with him on dog walks or just out so I could have a few minutes. He learned some tricks to keep them happy.

So now, with our third, he really jumps in and has fun with them and even volunteers in the nursery. There is hope!

My husband was the same way when we had our first child. I actually had an 'intervention' with his dad! I learned from both of them that men just aren't comfortable with newborns and don't know what to do.
Seriously, once our son was moving around, he was great with him!!! When my daughter was born, I knew it would be the same way. He took over primary care of our son and all was fine!
Just be patient with him!

My husband said the same thing when our daughter was born. She is 2 now and the apple of his eye. Give it more time. Don't be shy to ask him to do things. Don't give up. It will get better. Good luck.

Hi April, I experienced some similar things, except I took a class and left the two of them once a week.

My husband did enjoy her but he certainly wasn't Mr. Mom. He would borrow her to show his friends and the Wednesday night class was "babysitting". I have never quite understood a Dad babysitting.

Once I went back to work, everyday I packed her in the car and took her to school and picked her up. It was extremely difficult on me, especially since he would leave after me. He would just say he couldn't do it. I left him alone and finally one day 4 years later said, "Okay, time for you to drop her off and I will pick her up"...and he did.

I think some times people (not just men) don't realize they can bond with a baby and feel babies don't do anything. I photographed my nieces new born baby and asked Dad to come hold the baby while I photographed him with the baby and asked him to talk to him. Well he did, in the highest voice, said "Hello little baby". The kid just stared off into space. When I was done, I took him and began to talk to him and get eye contact. My niece made a comment that I knew how to talk to babies. I mentioned to both of them that the baby can hear and even understands to a point.

Maybe your husband needs to realize he can bond with the baby, if he gives it a chance.

This is hard. Many men do better when they are older and they can interact and play more. But even at 5mos they can be fun thats when you can start playing with them more. Some men are freaked out by all the baby duties and get overwhelmed. I know you are saying overwhelmed...you are doing all the work how is he overwhelmed?

I would talk to him but if he is like my SO that may not help much! We had similiar issues. He would hold our son and all but the main duties were left to me. I was exhasuted, hormonal and cranky myself!

I think you're expecting the enthusiasm from a man that you would get from a woman. Lots of men aren't too interested in infants - they can't do anything. Also, it sounds to me like your husband may be a bit nervous about holding/feeding the baby - that's why he asks his dad to come over. It's not that he doesn't love your baby, he's just not comfortable with such a tiny creature and is probably a little afraid to be left alone with the baby. Don't push it; as the baby gets older, he will become more and more involved.

My boyfriend lacked care with our daughter as well when she was first born and I was breastfeeding. It sort of gave him an excuse to not help out because he didn't have lactating breasts to feed her with. I was really frustrated and felt a lot of resentment too. It also didn't help that the in-laws agreed with his lack of participation. Our daughter is now 17 months. He is starting to help out a lot more now but still will not alter his life schedule to accommodate me or the child. He still goes about as if he did not have a child. Some men are just able to adjust to fatherhood as well as women are.

Hi April. Gosh what I am about to say may not be the ideal answer for your immediate needs but I must assure you that there is some truth to what your husband is telling you when he says he'll be more involved when she gets older. My daughter is turning 1 year old at the end of May and it has taken this long for my husband to become more interactive with her. Believe me when I say that I too had resentment towards him when he would tell me that "she was like a jellyfish" and that "she needed me more". Men by nature are not as tuned in to newborns as we'd like but it does not make them terrible fathers. I guess the point I'm trying to make is be patient with your husband as your baby grows and develops more into a playful toddler. I have no doubt that your husband is as eager to engage with your daughter as much as you want him too...Sadly, it just has to be at his own pace as he becomes more confident and comfortable knowing that he's not going to "break her". Good Luck!!

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Hi April. Gosh what I am about to say may not be the ideal answer for your immediate needs but I must assure you that there is some truth to what your husband is telling you when he says he'll be more involved when she gets older. My daughter is turning 1 year old at the end of May and it has taken this long for my husband to become more interactive with her. Believe me when I say that I too had resentment towards him when he would tell me that "she was like a jellyfish" and that "she needed me more". Men by nature are not as tuned in to newborns as we'd like but it does not make them terrible fathers. I guess the point I'm trying to make is be patient with your husband as your baby grows and develops more into a playful toddler. I have no doubt that your husband is as eager to engage with your daughter as much as you want him too...Sadly, it just has to be at his own pace as he becomes more confident and comfortable knowing that he's not going to "break her". Good Luck!!

He says she only needs you right now...this suggest to me that his perception is that there isn't anything useful he can do with a baby, for whatever reason. Being good with Kids and with Babies are two different things.
I am a stepmom with older kids, and that worked out great for me because I --a woman--am not excited by babies...I actually have a degree in child development, and find the concepts of growth and learning very interesting, but actual babies, until they get old enough to DO things besides eat, sleep, cry and dirty their diapers...well, they are mostly just good for cuddling and looking at. Not good for conversation or playing, etc. I think this is where your husband is coming from also. If he is not that into cuddling and eye-gazing, then it would not be very stimulating for him, however much he may enjoy children at older ages.
I know it is a lot for you to do everything on your own, and I totally sympathize.
I enjoy older kids much more, and I am betting your husband will take more of an interest as your daughter becomes more able to interact with him in different ways.

Hello April, I have to say that I see it from both sides. I am the mother of 5 and my husband was a great father and spent all his time with the children esp as babies-- me I was scard to deth I'd do something worng withthe first 2 and didn't relax until they were about 6 months old!
I have son's that are the full time parent with aspouse that was raised as a youngest child or never around children and have taught thier wives about bonding with the baby. Then a son in law who couldn't be bothered with even the family dog. Relax he is just scared and needs reasurrance that when the child is a bit older be it boy or girl the child will spend time with daddy in the garage( my son got his girls their own tools)!
This is just the first of many differances you will face as parents-- the most important part is to not have unrealistic expectations and to compromise.

I remember talking with my mom once about the differences between raising boys and girls, since I was raised with a big brother but only have two boys of my own. She said the funniest thing really is that my dad was terrified of touching me for the longest time because he thought he'd hurt me. That and he wasn't sure how to change my diaper since I had different parts. LOL

Does your hubby have a sister? He might feel more comfortable calling his dad over because he's been there (if he has a sister or niece).

I know when my boys were born, especially my youngest didn't want anything to do with anyone but me. It was horrible. I had already spent 9 months with the kid inside me and he still couldn't let me go now that he was out! It was frustrating to say the least. And my hubby accepted the fact and didn't really have much to do with him until he was a bit older and willing to leave me. Good luck.