My Husband Is Too Strict with My Daughter and Resents Her Completely.

Well, you kind of painted the picture of the man you married when you said: He knows better how to raise anyone
else's kid than they do. This is very arrogant, but I
know the type. What he doesn't know is how to raise your
14 year old. Unconditional love is not earned, it is freely
given, oftentimes with sacrifice from the giver. However,
respect is to be earned and he is going about it the wrong
way. I'm afraid that you may lose the respect of your daughter also if you don't bring some sense to this man. How you do it? Wow.
I'd say a prayer each time I would address him. "God, please give me the words to say, the patience to say it and the right timing to say it, and please help "him" be receptive and listen to my feelings." You've gotta have a rule to listen to each other until you've finished your thoughts. You've gotta give respect in order to receive it. His PERCEPTION is wrong according to the "well-intentioned" description of your daughter. He thought she slammed the door on purpose. If he really wants her to learn how to close the door, he could remind her to close it gently at the time she is getting out of the truck.
He needs to model the behavior patiently for her to be a
willing participant.
Sounds like he's in a habit of responding a certain way
with her. His reaction to her is "a choice". He is on auto-response. He needs direction, badly. Dr. Phil: "You
can't change what you won't acknowledge". Also, Dr. Phil
would say about your husbands style and appropriate manner
of discipline is "How's that working for you?"
PERCEPTION is a funny thing. It is different for everyone
but it is "their perceived truth".
I wish you the very best and truly hope he is receptive
to changing his ways.

I hate to say that I never respond to any of the post on here just mainly read them for advice, however I felt a sudden urge to respond to your post. I myself have a 15 yr old daughter who does not have a relationship with her bio dad. However in my case it is a little different because I have been with my husband for 12 yrs, married in November for 10 and we have an 11yr old son together. Anyways I am having major regret and am now having to see a counsler myself for feelings of being a failure to my kids...BOTH...and as a mother. Although your daughter is only 1 now it will not take long for her to start relizing what is going on. My husband is the exact same way to my daughter and has been since she was 3 but I always thought that the longer we were together the better it would get....well that has not been the case, it has gotten worse all the way around. Not only has their relationship gotten worse, my daughter has no respect for him, even though she calls him dad and has since she was 3, but my son quickly picked up on it. It started at a very young age where he would play his sister and dad against each other and now at the age of 11 it is ruining all relationships. My son and I am very very close but if I don't give him his way he likes to say stuff,,,,that he has heard his dad say...like your princess would not have gotten in trouble or if your precious daughter would have asked you would have said yes...and much worse. No matter how much I correct it only last as long as my husband and I are not in a disagreement about my daughter. I am now seeing changes in my daughter that are heartbreaking...she is a cheerleader, excellent at school, very outgoing, but she is very insecure, wants to sleep all the time, and reaching out for approval through popularity and boyfriends. I am just glad that her and I are very close and she has not taken it to the next level with boys for approval. About 3yrs ago she started staying in her room whenever he is home, even if it is all day long, because she says that way she can't get in trouble. I know this has been long but I am now having major regrets and feel like I have been very selfish by putting my feelings first and staying in the marriage for the good times instead of relizing that even one bad time to my kids is very damaging to them as indiviuals. Hearing you tell your story literally sounds like you are talking about my family to the "T"....I hope if anything I have just given you something to compare to and think about. Good luck with your situation and feel free to email me if you have any questions, I hate to say but it feels better knowing I am not alone in this situation.

M......
Oh my goodness....I am almost in tears after reading your story. Mainly because it's sad that your daughter is going through this..as well as you are. Secondly because you are going through this alone without and local family to turn to.
Let me tell you, I have been in your shoes before. I found myself in a bad situation about 3 years ago. Someone falsely purchased a home in my name and it put my great credit into the shambles. Therefore, it prevented me from being eligible to rent a decent apartment for myself and my daughter.
I ended up moving in with the guy that I was dating. Prior to the progressing relationship and move in, he and I discussed the fact that I had a 6 year old daughter. He was perfectly fine with it..."so he said."
In the beginning he would talk to her, make a joke or two here and there, and once or twice tried to prepare a meal. Eventually and out of nowhere all of that changed. He began to ignore her when she would enter the house. His excuse was that he didn't know that she was there. She is in outside-school activities and guess what; he didn't show up for any of them.
After a while and many other situations that arose, my 6 year old daughter was smart enough to see that this man didn't really care for her. She even told him face to face that she loved him and he was like a father to him and guess what he told her? he said' "have fun at practice" and he continued to watch tv. I will never forget the look on her face when he did that. She walked away with her head down and on the way to practice she asked me why didn't he like her...mind you she was going through a hard time because she hadn't seen her biological father in a year; and he was very much aware of the pain that she was dealing with because of this. When we made it back to his house...I asked him why did he do that to her and he said that he had never been put in that position and didn't know what to say...total cop-out! He would often say "that's not my blood" or "she is still going to love her dad more than me." He always had an excuse.
After I paid off 2 bills and somewhat got myself on track...I moved out. Things became so bad that I didn't care that I had no furniture for my new apartment. I borrowed an air mattress from my dad and we slept on that for weeks. I was a little embarrassed because I had never lived this way and my daughter noticed the conditions, but she was too excited to let it bother her. I remember her saying "Mom..now we can make our own decisions without someone yellng at us all of the time. She didn't care at all.
It is hard for me to really say what I think that you should do because there is a marriage involved and another child; and in now way am I trying to encourage a separation. It doesn't seem like he is going to change if it has been this long. It appears as if the older she gets, the more resentful he becomes. Don't forget how your 14 year old may begin to view you. She may start to feel like you aren't protecting her..especially when he is obviously over-reacting! She has no outlet at this point..which may lead to her looking for acceptance or approval elsewhere. If she is a good child and also has a medical condition...she needs to be given a break...or she too will break! Not to mention, your toddler may begin to pick up on the differences that are being made here, and also treat your daughter in a disrespectful way.
After going through such a rough time with that relationship, I eventually filled my apartment with brand new furniture. Sure it wasn't a "house" but it became our "home." Later I found the perfect gentleman. He is completely opposite and he seems to be more concerned with my daughters well being than he is with mine!
Sit him down and talk to him, if that's possible. Let him know how much your 14 year old means to you and how you can't stand for this. Suggest an unbiased source to give you guys advice. If this doesn't work...do know that there is a rainbow behind those clouds..even if you can't see it right now.
I know how hard this is for you..believe me...I hope things work out!

I am so sorry to have to say this but you need to put your daughter first in this situation. If your husband won't even follow the counselor's instructions about allowing you to be the disciplinarian, then I don't see him ever listening to anyone on this subject. I'm afraid you are going to have to give him an ultimatum...either he eases up and lets you decide how and when to discipline your daughter, or you and the kids are gone. Then follow through. Your daughter doesn't deserve this treatment and you don't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I wish you the best of luck.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I am going through the exact same thing except I have a son and he's 10. It hurts so much. My son has even attempted to run away. We're seeking family counseling, but I don't think my husband will allow it to help him. He's so set in his ways. I pray for you.

My heart breaks for you. He sounds like my daughters' husband. It will not get any better because it is a power struggle. First of all, I think your daughter was 11 when you married this person? That is too old to be handing over the reins to someone else. If she had been a toddler that would be different. You said he resents your daughter so all you have done is allow him to take out his resentment on her. She sounds like a great child but he will start doing the baby the same way he is doing her in a couple of years. I hope and pray for the sake of those kids that you get them away from him because he is going to make their lives miserable! I do not believe in divorce, but I do believe that sometimes it is the only option. I have 2 grandkids right now that are miserable because of a very similar situation and the 3rd child moved in with her dad when she was 13. Don't let him ruin those kids. If he will go to counseling and do the things the counselor suggests and make changes in his life, then I would definitely try that, but don't let him ruin those precious kids. My prayers are with you.

This is going to sound harsh and extreme, but then so is your husbands behavior.

First before I launch into my harsh response, I will say this, you should DEFINITELY be the disciplinarian of your daughter and if he doesn't like it tough. You took care of her for the first ten years of her life without his assistance, so he shouldn't feel like chiming in now is fair. I mean don't get me wrong, if he wants to partake in your daughter's life wonderful, but why should he have any say in her disciplining unless it's something major? She slammed the car door and she got grounded for two weeks? that's ridiculous...
Maybe you can sit down and plan out fair punishments for common issues that may arise. I think he just likes control. Love is and should always be unconditional.

Okay harsh reality time. If ANYONE i don't care who it was treated my daughter with anything less than the utmost respect he'd be gone, his little suitcase would be on the front steps. You need to assert some control. Your daughter will resent you when she grows older if you allow someone WHO YOU CHOSE to come into her life, treat her with such disdain constantly.

I know it's hard to blend families. But as far as disciplining goes, he should come to you, tell you what happened and you decide on the punishment period. If he doesn't like it well too bad. Seriously, this is your daughter. If he has no respect for her because she "hasn't earned it" then why should he have any say whatsoever in any matters regarding her ?

i have a four year old, and my boyfriend is stepping in because her birth father is very absent, and he treats her with all the love and kindness he has to offer. And I respect him for that. She loves him a lot and actually I am the strict one. I know everything I said sounds harsh, but this type of behavior from your husband in my opinion is completely unacceptable. Good luck

Wow! Do you have your hands full, or what?! I don't have much sage advice, except to say that your husband seems to have some deep emotional issues that need to be resolved, and he's just chosen your daughter upon whom to pour all his anger and frustration. A good question for him is: Would you like to have to EARN every bit of kindness and love that your family shows you? He's not exhibiting much mature behavior, and I would probably throw my hands up in exasperation, myself.

My only suggestion is, ask him to go to couseling again. He really needs to resolve the issues that are driving this behavior. Your daughter's self-esteem and future mental health are at stake here. Don't feel guilty, either, about making this request. You need to protect your daughter from the constant barrage of criticism and negativity.

You didn't mention if you are a church-going family. I think your husband could learn a lot about how a man is supposed to treat his family (ALL of his family), by sitting under the sound of a good Bible-preaching pastor. That might be one place you could look for a counselor.

I pray that you are able to take the steps that need to be taken in behalf of your daughter. She sounds like a delightful girl--just like many I've had the pleasure to know in my years of experience in the school setting.

I stopped reading half-way through because your so-called husband is an idiot. I do not want to sugar coat....the reason you wrote this entry is because you know for a fact he is too harsh on your daughter. My suggestion is that you protect your daughter. Earn his love? Picking up a pen he dropped? Cooking your meals? She's 14! This is your baby girl who has special needs and you allow this clown to treat your daughetr that way? He resents your daughter (you said that yourself) And that is dangerous and childish of him to resent a child.....for what?
You want a warm body next to you every night that bad? You can love the very person that brings emotional pain to your daughter? (I wouldn't doubt physical too....are you telling everything?) usually stories like this have waay more in the equation.
My daughter would not suffer pain like that if I were aware of it.....she is suffering this pain at your hands too becasue you are doing nothing about it. Please leave this man before you have a daughter that grows up to resent you for not defending her like you should have. Don't be selfish. Do whatever you have to do to proptect her. Period!

And something also tells me he has an even nastier side. Even your therapist said only YOU need to punish and you did not listen. And now you are writing entries asking for validation from strangers? You know the answer so please get some courage from somewhere and protect your child!

God Bless you, sorry I had to be harsh, but this is not about you, it is about your BABY GIRL!

ALSO: I have three beautiful step-children that I love dearly. I can't imagine my life without them. My honey and I have a 1 year old daughter and they treat her like a princess....love them even MORE for that!
Children are innocent by-standers in divorce ,and in the process of parents re-marrying.It is up to the PARENTS to make this transition as smooth as possible. One wrong move and you can create scars that will last for the rest of their lives.
Once again ,God Bless you.

Wow I am so sorry this has been so hard for you guys. I definitely don't have the answer, wish I did. The one thing I do know is that often times blended families are just hard. I don't know if you have heard of James Dobson but he is a christian family counselor and author and I heard him say that it can take about 7 years or so for the family that has been blended to develop true bonds of love as if they were naturally related. I have not lived in a blended family, my mom divorced but never remarried but my husband grew up with a step dad and to this day their relationship is stormy at best. He never felt his step dad really loved him. I think I would just really pray about this one. I don't of course know your situation with how you feel about God but honestly I cannot really think of a better solution. Maybe when you and your husband have a moment that is not tense and you get an opportunity, appeal to the fact of what a wonderful impact he can make on her life. How his love can be a great factor in helping her form a sense of security and identity. If he says she has to earn his love you might want to ask him what you did to earn his love and just see where that leads. Above all I would say try to see things from his perspective. I was recently thinking about my life and my husband and son. Although we don't always agree when it comes to discipline etc, at then end of the day I know that my husband's world rests on that little boy and that he loves him more than himself. Even knowing that we clash in how we parent occasionally. I have often wondered if I could ever trust the motives of anyone else like if I was a widow etc...(not in a morbid way, just a random thought I had one day) I just don't know if I could ever trust anyone else with my son because of the fierce love I have for him and the sense of responsibility I feel to protect him. So it may be really difficult for you to see objectively. So I would probably pray and ask God to give me an open objective heart and the ability to see clearly and also to see clearly if the situation was becoming emotionally harmful to my child. You can't bury you head in the sand and leave your daughter to fend for herself, but you can't be divided from your husband either. Tough spot. I really hope it works out for you guys and you get the clarity you need to handle the situation in the best way for all concerned. I will pray for you guys! Wish I was more help...hang in there:)

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like he needs a serious shift in understanding. Dr. Chapman's love language book(s) or website might help. He has truly great ideas. Your husband undoubtedly needs some major counseling as a couple and individually (maybe as a family with your 14yo). He is loaded with anger and animosity. Maybe he's repeating ill treatment from when he was a young and vulnerable kid, or maybe he's responding to his own feelings of inadequacy (which he'd never admit to you). Whatever the case, he needs psychological help FAST for the sake of your teen. This doesn't make him a crazy and dangerous person, (and I'm never someone to push pills) but maybe he needs behavior therapy training along with medication. IMO, you're caught between a rock and a hard place because there are children involved in your marriage, and if it were only you then it would be easier to try to support him and work with his attempts at trying to get himself under control and happier on the inside. But since you have kids, I think that your responsibility is to take care of them and shield them from this scarring behavior, and you sound like you've been doing a good job at that (you don't go against his word in front of your kids, i.e.). Have you talked to him about going to therapy now? He needs individual as well as just marriage. I have a good rec. from a friend so you can contact me privately if you want the lady psych's name. I truly believe that if he wants to change, he can as long as he gets the help he needs. And if he's willing to go to therapy, even if he doesn't believe he needs it, he might begin to want to change. Your teen daughter needs to be disciplined by you alone, for her welfare. We want him to get professional help, so that the family can get professional help. This lady I know works with families all the time and one of my friend's families with a teenage boy is changing for the better right now. The father had major problems and he was treating the kid and wife like garbage, and after a few weeks you can see the visible change in him. Counseling is becoming a lifesaver for them (they'd gotten church counseling, but most of the time you need specially trained people). We don't want your older daughter's life ruined, really, and you don't want him treating your younger child like this. I really don't think he wants to act this way, but he needs professional help (I think it runs deeper than mere laziness, b/c he sounds very vindictive with a superiority complex). Maybe he's developed some personality disorders like ocd. You sound like you've been doing eveything right and I truly wish you success. I'm sure that underneath all that junk he's a good person, but if we can't help him to quickly get rid of all that junk covering up his goodness (after all, you do love him), then your teenage daughter needs to become the priority and you might need to reconsider your relationship with him. Have hope!

Your husband treats your daughter deplorably. I come from a blended family as well and my adopted dad never once treated me like this...not once. My mom in fact did do most of the disciplining, but my dad was still very involved. In my opinion (based on your examples) your husband is doing so much damage to her esteem with these types of reactive punishments. Is she not allowed to be a little girl? Children are by far not perfect its why they are children...they are still learning. Simple reminders are supposed to be a parents duty...sounds like he is punishing her because he is annoyed. I really don't know what to tell you but you definitely need to step up and do something for your daughters sake...will he treat his biological daughter this way? Or is this something he is only doing to his step daughter as punishment for not being his? No matter what something sounds like it needs to change for your daughters well being. It would be such a shame for her not to have a healthy adult life...remember she will only live with you for such a short time compared to the rest of her life...those years are precious. One day she will be out in the world...how will she handle it? What things will she take away from her experiences from her home life? I agree with the pp that you definitely need to keep being positive at every chance you get. You must love your daughter so much to even post here and I know its hard. I just pray that your husband is not abusive to you or your other child. Good luck.

I want to cry for both you and your daughter. I want to slap your husband - he sounds irrational and controlling. If she thinks that she has to earn love through perfect, subservient behavior, instead of having it through the grace of God and just being a member of a family, then she is certain to seek that type of personality in a husband. I expect that your 1 year old is in for the same type of controlling behavior. Either he goes to counseling or you should consider leaving him.

Would you please update us in a month or so about how you are doing? I wish there was something we could do to make things better. There are some really good sympathetic posts on here. Unfortunately, it sounds like some of these women have been in your shoes before. They made it through, and I pray that you do, too. Please let us know.

I hate to ask you but what did you see in this man that was worth destroying your daughter's self esteem at such a vulnerable time in her life? So far all i see in your letter is the description of a total control freak and I would be very unhappy if I were you with the way things are with your daughter. As a mom it is your first job to protect her from this. Would you let a teacher or friend treat her like this? Most likely not. Home should be a place of safety from the outside world. As it is her home is a battleground and he is the bully. Don't be surprised if your good girl reaches out to others for validation and love as she is not getting it at home. God forbid she goes and gets pregnant or worse..he would never let her live it down. I would only stay if he agreed to family counseling and followed the recommendations of the counselor. If he
did not go then I would leave and let him be right all by himself. Your family deserves better.

To be honest your husband sounds like a control freak and his behavior sounds abusive. The things you say he gets mad about and feels warrants punishmnet seem absurd. I wouldn't punish my children for forgetting to put a bag in the garbage can I would simply remind them. It sounds like he looks for reasons to punish her. I feel very sad for you and your daughter. Growing up constantly feeling as though or being told that you are a disappointment or you can't do anything right is an extremely unhealthy way to live and will undoubtedly have a negative effect. I agree with the councelor that he should not be in charge of her discipline. Please take charge of this and start repairing the damage he has done. Build up your daughter whenever possible. Everyday remind her how much you love her and care about her. Thank her anytime she is helpful or polite. Focus on the positive. Keep your comments positive and offer them often. Please stand up for her. By allowing him to treat her this way you are in fact supporting him and not her. If you disagree with the way he is treating her then you need to put an end to it immediately.

M.,
It sounds to me as if your daughter is a well behave, respectful, normal teenager. I think your husband might need some counseling before he permanently damages your daughter. If something doesn't change she is definitely going to resent him and probably you as well for not ensuring that she receives fair treatment. None of us, whether adult or child, remembers everything we are supposed to do. It sounds as if he is too hard on your daughter to me. I think you need to do whatever it takes to protect your daugher and remove her from such an oppressive environment.

J.

Wow! Your husband has a BIG inferiority complex--he resents the fact that you loved your daughter before you loved him. (If he continues his current behavior, you are going to love your daughter after you love him.)Because he is older and physically bigger, he figures he can bully her (and you, too).

I think that you need to get counseling for you and your daughter--offer it to him, but tell him if he won't go or won't follow the guidelines, you are still going to see that the two of you get help.

I was a single parent from my before my daughter's second birthday. I chose to remain single to focus on raising her--that's not for everyone. I also taught high school for 38 years, so I can recognize a great kid when I hear about one. You don't want her to rebel, which is a real possibility based on the way she is being treated by her step-father.

It would be helpful if your husband could acknowledge the experts, but this comes from insecurity. I have a sister-in-law with a terrible inferiority complex who acts like she knows everything and no one else knows anything. If you can't get through to him, then you have to decide what to do.

I know this sounds a bit brutal, but my ex (now deceased)was verbally abusive toward me and it took years of therapy to regain my self-esteem. I vowed that he would not treat my daughter that way!