My Husband Has Put Me down a Lot Today. What Is the Deal?

I don't think he's the problem. I think its you. You stopped thinking of yourself as a woman and started thinking of yourself as only a mom. You don't feel comfortable with yourself and because of that you notice every other woman and think she's better than you so you make comments to him which unfortunately he responds to. I think you need to work on what makes you happy and start taking steps to make yourself happy and healthy for your family.

I do think you make yourself the victim because you set up the situations to make everyone look better. You spoke up about the girls in the next car over which made your husband look at them. You continued to talk about them making comparisons to how you looked vs them which your husband reacted to. Then you got hurt. You set it all up to play out that way.

Please take a step back from all this and figure out what you need. Personally I think you are depressed or can't seem to figure out your life as a stay at home mom to an active little one. If he likes outside get outside in the yard and kick the ball around. If he's at a playground do laps around the play equipment. Trust me getting outside and moving around will clear your head and make you feel better.

Unfortunately, you participated in this put down of women by putting down other women. So stop setting the example of criticizing women's looks if you don't much like it yourself. Don't we all want to be judged by what we do and not our shapes/make-up/looks?

I have no idea whether you would look good as a blonde. But that's not going to solve this problem.

Let him take care of the house and the child for a day or two while you go visit a friend or relax in a hotel and get some sleep.

Worry less about who he glances at and realizes who he comes home to - you. Just worry more about being the kind of person you want to me.

You do sound depressed and that's not uncommon in women home with a small child. Get some help for that - a good series of therapy appointments while your husband takes care of his child will benefit everyone. Then get some couples counseling to learn how to talk to each other without criticizing.

I'm going to be really honest here. Taking care of ONE two year old is just not that hard. Are some days harder than others? Sure. Kids get sick, kids get cranky, moms get sick, moms get cranky. Sometimes not every single thing gets done. However, I'm sorry, a two year old and a house is NOT keeping you so busy that you can't take care of yourself and how you look.

I raised 6 kids and worked as a senior member of my office, telecommuting from home 50+ hrs a week, with 2 special needs kids. My house was clean, I showered and put a little makeup on every day, did my hair, wore a little perfume, I cooked all the meals, packed each kid and my husband a lunch every day. When people stopped by, I was rarely embarrassed about how I looked or how my home looked. Why did I do all this? Because I wanted to look good for ME. I also wanted to look good for my husband - how could he be possibly be attracted to someone who didn't give two craps about how they look on any day of the week. How could my husband care about me if I didn't care about me?

Good luck.

You two have some communicating to do.
You are both just doing it in an accusatory embattled way that's hurting everyone s feelings and not getting the message through.
Throwing hurtful names at each other doesn't help at all.
Please get some couples counseling so you both can get some pointers on effective communication techniques.
And some counseling for yourself to work on your self esteem would be a good idea too.

He's right about one thing - you do need to take care of yourself.
And as part of that - book a hotel room for yourself and sleep, have a massage, read a book, watch what you want on tv - use room service or have meals in a restaurant - just rest and pamper yourself.
Let Hubby handle the whole house and child while you are gone.
Maybe he can handle it and maybe he can't but he should have a very good idea about what you do when he has to do it himself by the time your days off are over.

Maybe he needs an office outside the house because if he's micromanaging every minute of your day then he's not fully engaged with his work.

I've been married for 19 years and I don't really do much in the way of clothing/makeup/hair (I never have) and my husband has never once said anything resembling a put down to me. People in good relationships don't do that.

Similarly, I've never called my husband names like you've done with yours. That's also an unhealthy thing in a relationship.

It sounds like you and your husband don't even like each other, but it you do want to stay married then you two need a marriage counselor. You don't know how to communicate well and may not be on the same life-page with the other. It doesn't mean you guys can't fix this, as long as you're willing to work on it and are committed to the process.

Random question: "I am 5'5" weighing a petite 245lbs."
Was this a typo? I ask because 145 lbs would be a normal healthy weight for a 5'5" person, but 245 lbs would put you into morbid obesity. That would be a medical concern to deal with separate from your marriage problems.

Anyone with any children under 3 gets a free pass on everything in my world. It's so hard with little ones about. They suck everything out of you.

Now that your little one is going to be 3, it's time to start thinking about yourself. This doesn't mean getting your hair or face done in my world (I don't wear make-up). This means figuring out what YOU NEED. This may very well mean getting dolled up for hubby. It may also mean reading a good book or going to the gym. You know what did it for me? I was nursing my third child, sitting on the couch, and I decided it was time to find myself again. I went online and spent $500 on skirts. I have always worn skirts. I love skirts. I hadn't spend any money on clothes in 10 years, and I realized I would feel more like myself after I found some skirts that make me feel awesome. At that point I owned none that were wearable. I had awful maternity clothes and jeans. I HATE JEANS. So I went shopping. I ended up keeping about $400 worth. I bought a variety of skirts, but mostly of the athletic, super comfortable, able to keep up with climbing children while feeling like a lady kind. It did absolute wonders for my spirit. I then started a monthly book club, and I decided to spend time reading and meditating every day. It changed my world. Once I started to feel better, I then was able to care for hubby. If what your hubby said was a once thing, ignore it. Your comments about strippers was asking for it.

My point, what do you need? Do you feel good about yourself? if not, what would make you feel better? I don't wear make-up. I don't get dressed up. I prefer hair cuts where I can just brush and air dry. I'm natural (with lots of gray to prove it!) But, I feel good. I have lots of meaningful relationships. I spend time doing the things I love (hiking, reading, chatting with friends). Hubby thinks I'm sexy. I feel sexy. What makes your heart sing? Do more of that. Also, I highly recommend meditation (5 minutes a day) and exercise (at least 90 minutes a week) --it does wonders for your overall well-being.

I'm really sorry you guys had a tough day. They happen. But those arguments can be productive. He may be telling you he cares and is concerned you stay home and neglect yourself. He may not know how to say it kindly (Most) men are clueless. Who knows? But why are you home all day? Just because you stay home, you don't have to stay home! Join a play group. Go hiking, go somewhere. LIVE. You'll feel better and have more to give. If you take care of yourself, you can take much better care of everyone else. It's true. So, Mom of 1, what gets you excited?

I’m sorry you are having a crappy day. Your post made me want to reach out and hug you! Also, congratulations on your weight loss to date.

I’ve been married almost 22 years. My husband and I have very honest conversations about men and woman. One thing I know is that men are visual creatures. Your husband is telling you he wants you to care how you look and I’m guessing would be supportive of you taking better care of yourself. Take advantage of this. Join a gym, go get your nails done and buy yourself makeup.

Also, re: your husband checking out some girl...once again, I think this is totally normal male behavior. As long as he comes home to you each night recognize men are visual and will check out an attractive woman. However they just as quickly forget those woman as well.

Having said that, it sounds like your husband has a mean streak telling you rectangle is a shape and telling you you are playing the victim card. I would have expected your husband to hug you when you cried. For right now though, take his advice and continue to work on yourself. Be the best person you can be.

Hi! Congrats on the weight loss for sure! Take that baby in his stroller and walk! Great way for you to clear your head and great for baby fresh air. I hope your husband just had an off day. You sound very sweet. Don't let his hurtful words continue. I bet he is a few pounds over his ideal weight too! Do for you! Make yourself feel better by surrounding yourself with loving & supportive people and if your husband is not gonna be one of them....move on.
Good luck!

Congrats on losing weight. You might need to make up a schedule or routine of what you do in order to keep a clean home and a happy you.

Many years ago I did this and it helped me greatly. I had a 3 year old and a newborn and lived in a different country non English speaking. My apartment was a wreck and I after the "daily routine schedule," I was able to go out shopping with the kids, to the park in the afternoon, sew in the evenings, and take care of myself and hubby.

Priorities have to be set and you have to want to do them. Find some fancy undies and wear them for you and make you feel good about you. Once you start feeling good about you, everything will fall into place. Do find a way to sleep for a few days and get the rest that is needed so you can start your plan.

I always say, you are a woman, wife, and a mother in that order. Good luck to you. Do keep us posted on your progress. I will be celebrating my 46th wedding anniversary next month.

the other S.

Sounds like he is trying to tell you he would like you to be concerned about your appearance in a really crappy way. I know my husband would like for me to be able to loose weight but he knows there are physical reasons I can't loose weight. It also sounds like he wants you to be more involved with the bill paying. You need to try to sit down with him when you are not as emotional. Also I agree with the one that said you need to get away Yes you may not have a job outside of the house but it can be very depressing staying at home and not having a lot of contact with others. You need a break.

if this is a one time thing and it was just today i would blow it off. if its something that becomes a re-occurring issue then marriage counseling is in order.