So I posed question last week about my husband and his friendship w/ his ex-girlfriend of 20 yrs ago, and why is it he wants to see her on occasion (like once every year or 2), and that they chat here and there and now she's on facebook and made a few comments about their happy dating life and it killed me to read it.
and then i asked myself why does that tiny comment hurt me so much, it was a nothing comment about a concert they went to 20 yrs ago...
and then he and i hashed it all out and he said "well, i'm still friends with my old girlfriend. you aren't friends w/ your ld boyfriends, i don't think you ever were friends with them."
and it's true, i wasn't. and my husband and i aren't friends either. we rarely talk about anything that doesn't involve kids, the only other topic we agree on is politics, but nothing else. We just don't get along. He avoids being around me sometimes, and that's been going on for years, for so many years that it is normal that we don't ever talk.
The despair hit me last night that i've been trying, continually, to get him to do things w/ me, but we never do. If we do go out it's with his friends, to a smoky bar to drink. I hear how my other friends get along for the most part w/ their spouse, and how when they're sick their husband takes care of them and the family. Ive been sick most of the winter from stomach issues (IBS, brought on by sick mom & sister worries, both are very very ill and i'm having a hard time with it, with worry), and not onc was he able to stay home from work to help me w/ the 3 kids. He beats cheeks out of here every morning and stays at work doing homework until 630, getting home at 7, then we hang out w/ kids till 8 or 830, then they go to bed, and i watch TV and he goes on his computer until midnight and goes to bed and that's how we've bene livig for years.
I know we need counseling, but i've brought this up a few times w/ him and he refuses 100%, he thinks things are fine -- all he has to do is successfully avoid me and his life is fine.
I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do now, where to go from here. I need help, for myself, for my kids. I look at going back to work and daycare will cost us $553 (not incl cost to bus 2 kids to/from 2 different schools, my daughter is special ed and doesn't talk which makes me nervous passing her off to so many others for 8-10 hours a day). I need to do something different here, because pleading, crying, begging, ignoring, being angry, acting like the 1950 housewife, nothing has worked.
I used to have a great job making great money and a life of my own, and now i'm in the SAHM bog w/ a husband who loves me but doesn't like me, tells me i'm a bad housewife and a mediocre mom. But he tells me he loves me so that should make it all okay right?
I'm going to check local counselors and see about costs and just go by myself... if insurance will cover it :) Has anyone else been in this situation, and what did you do to successfully fix it? i can't even move today, i'm so sad, and ive got 3 kids at home and we're all sick and i just don't know what to do, i can't stop crying.
You guys, he doesn't come righ tout and "say" i'm a bad housewife or mediocre mom, his actions, his occasional comments that lead to that conclusion. He also believes his job is harder than mine, and that i'm complaining for no reason. None of that matters though, I've realized that it's more important to him to be friends w/ his old girlfriends than to just be nice to me, to listen to me, to realize that the impending death of my mother AND my sister, both of which are coming sooner than later, is too much for me to bear knowing my kids won't know them, knowing it will just be me and my other sister left in our family of 7, and we're only in our early 40s...
Anyway, thanks all, counseling it is, seems to be the big winner here. I know i need to get outo n my own more and do things for me, am stuck in that mommy rut "what will the do w/o me??" thing, and i really can't do this anymore. If my husband wants to come along for this ride, okay then, but for now,i'm just going to cut him out of the picture until i can get my own head straight, find a job maybe, figure it out. Thanks to you all, really. I don't tell my other friends this stuff, everyone thinks we have such a great marriage, i'd hate to ruin the illusion, so i turn to this place for the sage mommies, and for your taking time to respond, THANK YOU it means so much! xoxoxo
Since he refuses counseling, you could try the Fireproof Love Dare, or talk to someone you know and trust who has a strong marriage who could give you advice. I personally think a marriage is 70% woman contribution, 30% man contribution.
I talked to you a little the last time. And I do think to some extent your husband may have a point if you've never made friends with the men in your life.
So today, do you want to be friends with your husband? If so, please sit yourself down and write up at least 10 reasons why, and anything related to children or marriage to him only get to be two of those ten things. This will help you frame what you value about him some.
Also, if you want to be his friend, what would that look like. Pretend his name is Bob. If I were friends with Bob, I would want to do x with him. Be specific. Make yourself write out ten of these. And make sure that at least some of the things on that list are things you actually have some guess that Bob might enjoy, because he has expressed or done things like that in the past. A friendship takes trade offs. I go do scrap booking because my friend likes it. She comes and does other things with me. So a friendship is not going to be about just things you enjoy for their own sake, but things you can do with him some of which each of you enjoy. And it's about being a good sport about the things they like if you want the same from them. So it might include his bar nights as one thing on the list.
Do you have friends? Do you know what friendship really looks like? What is your definition of it? Write down your answers. It will give you a place to start from.
My personal experience is that a lot of friendships with people of the opposite sex look a lot like flirting. Do you know how to flirt? Can you bring yourself to try it? A lot of it is teasing them with being quick witted or a little bit of sassy "wouldn't you like to know" sorts of play.
There is nothing that says you can't walk up to your husband while he's on his computer, and wiggle your butt at him and then when he notices and expresses interest you laugh and say "nope, off limits till you bring me a romantic pint of ice cream and cuddle on the couch and talk to me while I eat some!" Or whatever else you can come up with. You have a right to take playfulness into yourself. He won't always rise to the occasion, and you have to not let yourself despair too much, especially at first, if he doesn't.
If he does go get you ice cream and cuddle on the couch, keep it light. Ask about his thoughts and his day. Ask him why he believes what he does as he talks. Make him open up some and get to know him today. He will figure out to reciprocate some eventually if you do this for a while. Don't let yourself disagree with whatever he says. Just listen if its not agreeable. But at least get to know him. A friend doesn't have to agree about everything. But they do have to be willing to listen. Be that friend to him.
And at some point soon, go to him and say "Are you willing to try to work out a friendship with me, as well as a marriage?" And assuming he says yes, show him some of what you came up with about what you value about him and what a friendship with this man might look like. And talk to him about it. Ask him for his ideas about things he'd be willing to do with you that he thinks you would like.
It will give you a place to start.
As for the kids, can you afford to at least put them in some program one day a week? That would give you a little time to spend on yourself and the things that frustrate you. Or maybe see if you can find a part time job doing what you enjoy, where they can be in day care a few days a week and with you the rest. You don't always have to give up the kids completely just to get a little sanity back.
As for counseling, even if insurance won't cover it, find the money or the source of it that's cheap. Sometimes churches provide it free. If you're not especially specifically religious, look into Unitarian universalists churches locally as a possible source. They pretty much believe we all have to figure out what if anything we believe on our own, but can get together to share community and talk about what we've come up with. It is probably the most respectful religious phenomenon on the planet. But find some sort of help to get you started on the road to being who you want to be.
*hugs* We all have to hit bottom before we start up the hill on the work we need to do. You can do this. But you need to make a concrete place to start for yourself.
A.,
I a so sorry you are so sad today. Absolutely go to counseling alone. I think this could really help you. There are affordable places in most every community. Do your research.
In the meantime think about what attracted you to your husband to begin with? Find ways to re-connect. If politics is it. Then join a political cause together. Every day ask your husband about work. Then tell him about your day. Teach your kids to talk about their day. Get yourself a babysitter and make a date night.
You may be in a very normal slump called "raising kids." With a little effort there is hope that you can re-connect. Don't give up the ship yet.
He needs to go to counseling with you, or I am afraid your marriage may not survive. My parents got like this, they had nothing in common but us kids and just did their own thing. Once we were teenagers and no longer needed them they found they had nothing left between them and divorced. If they had tried years earlier to fix what had broke they may have had a chance. Talk to your husband, tell him that you do not see a future with him if he can not help to repair what has happened between you. But be prepared, because the answer could be that he does not want to repair it, and that is why he has said no, he wants out and does not know how to do it. If that is not something you could stand to hear, than try counseling by your self for a while and see what you and your therapist come up with. I know my husband was resistant to therapy until I had one foot out the door.
Wow A....its sounds like you could really use a friend. I feel for you, it is tough being a SAHM and with three kids, that are sick to top it off! It doesn't sound like your husband is heartless, just insensitive. You sound like you really need a big dose of self-esteem and also a friend you can lean on. You are more than just a wife and mother and you need to get some of your life back and have me time. I would absolutely go to counseling even if its by yourself and check out some books about co-dependency. Also start making plans and if hubby doesn't want to go out, than thats fine---he can stay home and watch the kids while you go. Join something, even if its just the gym, and get out there and find yourself a social life. Have a talk with your husband that while you understand your role in the family, you also have other needs and him staying at work til 7p every night just isn't gonna cut it. If you want to talk feel free to message me. What area of the city do you live in? I don't know many other moms myself.
A.,
You have three young kids. That in itself is the toughest FT job anyone ever does!
Your hubby needs to realize that YOU need a break. Do something, anything, for yourself, by yourself. I'm not talking spa day here...I mean go for a 30 min walk every night, go get a bagel on Saturday mornings..let dad get the kids up and get them breakfast twice a month. Seriously, you need YOU to be put back on your list. Start taking care of yourself and your relationship with your husband and your kids will improve. A happy wife and mom is a good wife and mom.
He does nothing and ares to tell you you're a "bad" housewife? I'd be making him a little list of his new responsibilities, yesterday.
No offense or anything, but fro how you've described him above, he sounds like a self-centered jerk. Sorry, that's how it appears. Computer til midnight??? With 3 kids under 5 in the house? nothing else he could be doing? Get real, man!
I wish I could give you a hug. YOu sound like you need it.
Do go to counseling. Do not expect him to go. Do not expect him to change. Get yourself better first, maybe get a job.
I know you don't want ot let someone else take on your precious little ones but there are good daycares. THey do care for your children. Give them a chance. It will help you .
Do you have any girl friends that you can just go out with? HIre a babysitter, even if hubby is home and just go. If he grumbles tell him it takes two to make a baby and he can watch his own kids or pay the babystter upwards of $10 an hour. YOu are leaving for a movie.
YOu are not a mediocre mom or a bad housewife. THese are mean statements. Tell the counselor what he is saying to you.
Sorry, I went to counseling years ago and I do not feel it helps unless both parties go. Take the counseling money and it put it aside (really!) monthly and go on a very nice vacation. I think you need to find friends and hot baths and things that make you feel good. Tell him to get off of the computer at night. Do not make it a discussion., let him know that is what will help your marriage. You are not a bad housewife, he is just being nasty. You sound like a wonderful mom. Tell him you love him but you need more in your life. Insist on making plans that will let you guys be alone. Even if it means a walk somewhere. And perhaps there is a way to cancel the internet at a certain time?
I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. :-( One thing I have always feared is to love someone but not really be "in love", or to have my man tell me one day he's fallen out of love with me. Relationships are so blissful in the beginning, and then all the responsibility comes. People are pressured to provide, and couples fight over money, over responsibilities such as housework and other simple things that we shouldn't fight over but we do, because instead of being a team and being a couple you are now in a business relationship.
I have to be honest, the way you speak of how you and your husband react to one another, it's like all the spark is gone and you've lost that appreciation for each other. I can't imagine 3 kids aren't a huge handful all on their own, and for him to say your mediocre is appalling, because he really must not know the value of what you do. As far as a bad housewife, what grounds does he say this on ? Does he come home and expect a 3 course meal on the table? Does he expect the house to look freshly power washed and all the laundry neat and clean and folded with the sink empty of dishes? While we can each strive for these things, it's not realistic. What does he do on the computer for 3 hours a night ? Could he not take 20 minutes out of his computer time and see what he can help with? It just sounds like there is a huge lack of communication, and for him to refuse counseling to me is saying "I'm going to keep ignoring this and acting like nothings wrong because it's easier than me having to work on my relationship".
I didn't read the other question you posted about the facebook thing but honestly, I can see why it would bother you. I hope you get feeling better and I hope your health gets better. Good luck to you and your family.
I agree with DM. Counseling is where you need to start. It also sounds like you are depressed(clinically, not just having a bad time). Your family dr. is a good place to go for help--- he knows your history. Depression can get in the way of your medical healing, especially with something like IBS. (I'm a retired nurse.) Short-term medication and counseling will help you cope with all the challenges in your life right now, including a husband who refuses to be a husband. You can't force him to change, but you absolutely deserve better than you're getting from him. Counseling will help you get back on your feet emotionally, which will affect the way he treats you. It will also give you the strength to move forward without him if that's what it will take.Good luck, please don't wait---this is something that is destroying you, and your children. They need a strong, healthy mommy.
I am so sorry to hear that you are so unhappy. There is no easy solution, but I think you are on the right track. If you can find a counselor for you that is the best place to start. Sort out what you need to be happy - and then what your kids need (a happy mom is #1 on that list in my opinion). As hard as it is focus on what YOU need and how to get that... a counselor can be a great help. In the meantime, can you make time to spend with some girlfriends once a week/month - something for you to relax and look forward to? Good luck to you... and get through it day by day as overwhelming as it can feel.
A., I am sorry you are going through this and more sorry your husband hasn't noticed how bad this is hurting you. I think you are on the right track...go by yourself to a counselor if he will not join you. My husband and I can get caught up in our own lives and forget to be good to each other until confronted by the other. We are both guilty of it from time to time. Hang in there and get yourself feeling better.
I really feel for you! I was in a similar situation a few years ago, but on a much smaller scale. My daughter was just an infant, and my father was incapacitated in a nursing home. Trying to take care of everyone while my husband was being selfish was just awful.
I wouldn't say that my marriage is 100% secure or that I am living happily ever after now, but things are much better for me now. One thing that really helped me was hiring a house cleaner. It is much cheaper than a marriage counselor, and I am less bitter about the division of labor between me and my husband. Sadly, things got a lot better for me after my father died. I loved him very much, but the burden of his care and constant worry about him was really taking its toll on me.
After my father died, I started making friends and getting out more. Now that I have a good support system, I feel like I have people I can call on when I want to vent or if I need someone to watch my kids when I have a doctor appointment.
Yes, your marriage needs some work, but your primary objective for now should be to get help for yourself. I know you have sick loved ones, but if you have any friends who are willing to take turns watching your kids so you can have even four hours a week to yourself, that would really help.
Out here in Naperville, there are several churches that offer Parents Day Out programs. It is only about $20 per child for four hours. When you pick up your child, she is fed, diapers changed, and ready for nap time. If you have something like that near you, you should try to take advantage. You don't have to be a member of the church to sign up your child.
Good luck to you. Sounds like you are doing the best that you can, but you are at your breaking point. Maybe you should just say that to your husband. I hope he starts listening. If not, then at least you can stop putting energy into him, and start focusing on yourself. Your kids need you :-)
