Stressed and Ready Call It Quits!

Hi H.,
I am also married to a truck driver. He has no set hours and only finds out his schedule 24 hrs in advance. His job is driving up a apart. He also heads straight for a beer when he gets home. He doesn't do computer games, but had some major problems with gambling right after our son was born. We like wise do not have any family time. He also does a part time job from home, loan officer, and spends his free time working on that. I tell him that he's not the man that I married, he claims that I can't understand b/c of what he does all day long. He calls it a sacrifice to wake up with our son in the morning... maybe once every other week. I have suggested marriage counseling to my husband,but with his "schedule" I don't even know how we could do it. I don't really have much advice for you, but sometimes it helps to know that you are not alone. I'm trying not to give up on us too... but it's work! I wish you the best and if you need to vent... I'm available!! God bless, and good luck!

I'm not exactly in your situation but I know what it feels like to feeling alone sometimes. My husband works all day then goes to school at night. I know he has a lot on his plate and is extremely tired from his busy schedule, but he fails to see that I also have a lot of responisibility and am tired too. He tells me the same thing your husband tells you, "You have so much free time" YEAH RIGHT! Between our children (2 under the age of 2), keeping up with the house and helping him with things he needs (he also has his own business that I help a lot with). I don't think I miss out on the "us" time, because we make sure we get that because we both desire it, but I know how you feel by not having any adult interaction (I also stay at home and miss getting out sometimes to go to work). They say that they wish they could do what we do, but in reality WE KNOW THEY COULDN'T HANDLE IT! Just hang in there, sometimes we have to make compromises for the sake of our children - thier well being is the most that matters.

GOD BLESS!

It seems that I will be the first to post from the other side of the story. My husband was very big into gaming after the birth of our daughter, he played every night and I just didn't understand and also would become frustrated. But as they say if you can't beat em join em and I did. I had a friend teach ME to play the game he was into and began to play myself. Through playing the game I began to understand that it is more than just "a game" but rather more of a community. You get to meet people with similar interests and share stories and make friends. I'm a stay at home mom and this has become MY stress reliever.
I have seen MANY of you post that you feel secluded staying at home and have little to no adult interaction. This fulfills that need for me. Most of the people I play with are around my age and have children as well. It is much like going to a coffee shop, bar or night club without the need for a sitter.
My husband and I do have an understanding that the children come first and they are put to bed for the night before we Log on. My husband and I have become so much closer since I started "gaming" with him. We now have a new interest to share with one another. Please don't judge the games before you try them. If there is one comment that I hear night after night it is the following,"I really wish my wife/girlfriend would get into gaming and play alongside with ME. Man is your husband lucky!"
Give it a shot...what have you got to lose?
Please send me a message if you want more information on how to change HIS gaming from an obsession into something the 2 of you can enjoy together.

I have been in your shoes....husband was into computer...and ice hockey...he was never home and when he was he went right to the computer or walked in on his cell phone talking hockey. I was sad and not able to communicate how tired i was raising 3 boys on "my own" I finally told my husband that we had to go to therapy to work this out or i was leaving....he agreed after many begging sessions...we went to a therapist I knew he wouldn't be threatened by ...a man with a quirky sense of humor....and thankfully this therapist helped both of us realize where our marriage was heading...and we changed...it wasnt easy but now i know that i am my husbands number one priority and we are eachothers best friend...give therapy a chance..it can work if you both work at it!!

Dear Stressed,

After being married to a man who took no part at all in raising our 3 children, I finally told him I was leaving him. I was a housewife for 12 years and had a 12, 8, and 6 yr old.I left N.J. and went to P.A., got a job packing chips in a factory, worked there until I got a job as a CNA in training, graduated, made 1,200 a week.
I divorced him, dated, enjoyed my own free time, and there was no stress in my home.He wanted to get back together and I said only if he saw a marriage counselor and acted like a husband, father, and man should.
He has since learned his lesson and we are together 3 years now.I suggest that you ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. If he refuses to change, he is only a bad influence on the kids and one more baby to clean up after. If he loves you he will make an effort to change.Good luck and God bless.

K.

my husband and I cannot afford daycare either for out daughter and we now have a son on the way but remember your job is 24/7. He at least gets to go to work and socialize with other adults and leave the house without kids attached to his leg. You work all day and all night so he has nothing on you. I just had a conversation with my husband last week about the fact that even I don't really get affection from him. I am not asking him to make out with me all the time or anything like that but a real kiss would be nice when he walked in the door, holding me would be nice to. At first he tried the whole well right now we're staying with your parents until we find a place, etc. I told himt that it didn't matter. He can show me he cares about me and thinks that I am beautiful and can watch a movie with me or talk to me about anything in general. Sorry I rambled but the point is is that parents need their time to be together to and don't let him make you feel like you are asking too much because you want that. Remember, your job is just as tough if not tougher and the ps3 cannot make his meals, take care of him and give him love. I hope everything goes well.

That is a frustrating situation to be in. I'm in a similar situation myself. Before calling it quits try having a heart to heart with your husband. Tell him that you feel like roommates rather than husband and wife. Try to work on compromises. He can have Tuesday evenings to himself but he'll watch the kids Thursday evenings so you can have a break. Agree upon tasks he will have to complete on a daily basis - load the dishwasher after dinner, put his clean clothes away. Suggest date night - even if you don't leave the house you can watch a movie, play a game, take a walk, have a special dinner or desert after the kids go to bed. Suggest counseling. A counselor can help bridge the communication gap and also help you see each other's point of view. Your husband may think you couldn't walk a day in his shoes. I don't know if that is true, but I am pretty sure he wouldn't be able to walk a day in yours. Being a SAHM looks easy, but there is so much more to it than others realize. Good luck!

I'm in a similar situation. My man would come home from work and go straight to the computer. He had his dinner there, and conducted his whole existence fron the computer chair. The only time he came to bed with me was when I told him I wanted to have sex. Even then, after we were through, he'd come back down to the computer. Finally, I told him that if he didn't limit his computer time, I'd find a diversion of my own. He must not have believed me. When I started going out to bars by myself, he got the picture. Sometimes you have to throw a brick at a man to make sure he understands.

Oh boy. I've been there and back again on a few occasions. The main difference is that my husband and I share a love of gaming and hockey. We still have our moments. We both found that it was easier to communicate our feelings to eachother WITHOUT ARGUING through letters. So whever something starts to go iwrong, we start writing notes. It has helped us tremendously. I also suggest finding a councellor that will see each of you separately a few times then integrate the sessions. This way they have a good idea of what is going on in each of your heads before you start talking together. Remember one very important thing, it takes two people to make a marriage and keep it going. It also takes two people to break it. There is no way that you are ALLOWING your marriage to fail. When your only communication is with children it becomes insanely frustrating- no matter how much you love them. There is nothing wrong with missing adult interaction. If all else fails, on your husbands next day off wake up, get dressed and leave. Make him take care of the kids for the equivalent of what he does to you. When you get back to the house, grab a drink and sit down in front of the TV. If he gets pissed, tell him "Now you know how I feel". If he flips out on you- tell him to go elsewhere for the night. It took me three years of trouble to get to that point, but when I finally did- reality hit home for my husband. He's the love of my life, but my kids are more important. Once he realized that he had to shape up or get out, he shaped up. I hope this helps you.

J.

Hi! I am also the wife of a Gamer. He does not play PS3 but for a while there he was constantly at his computer playing World of Warcraft. It gets frustrationg. Sometimes I would like him to come to bed with me instead of staying up and playing into the wee hours. Other times I'm going to family functions alone because he wants to play. Now, thankfully, he has quit WOW. But he does have lots of other PC games he plays.

Just let him know that you do not have all the free time in the world. That sometimes you just want a relaxing evening with your husband. I never spoke up to my husband but he said constantly seeing the looks of disappointment on my face, made hime feel guilty. I would even make plans to take my daughter out, just the two of us, cause "Daddy was busy." Who knows, maybe a little guilt trip couldn't hurt.