My DIL Has Never Spoken to Me & Doesn't Want My Son to Have Much to Do with Me

Dear J.,
It sounds like something is going on with your daughter-in-law that you don't know about. Something MUST be going on, why else would she act in this strange way? My uncle was married to someone who behaved strangely, for example, she'd hide when we came to visit. It turns out she had some kind of emotional/mental problem. She's still kind of like that and she can be hostile and rude... doesn't make it easier to be around but easier to understand. Hopefully when your son visits you can talk with him and let him know that you just want to maintain a close and loving relationship with him and mean no harm toward his wife and her family.

Like others have done, I also urge you to get counselling because you must feel like you've lost your son, which is kind of a grieving process. You will need some objective help dealing with that.

As for people who respond in a judgmental way, I think you should completely disregard them. I don't know why people use this forum to judge others and be mean instead of just give helpful advice. For what it's worth I don't think you were harping on negatives in your post, I think you were trying to give the full picture of the situation, the wedding, etc.

Good luck with everything!

That's terrible - it sounds to me like his wife might have some mental-health issues. Can you call or email your son at his workplace, where she won't be present? While I firmly believe that children should "leave" their parents and "cleave" to their spouses when they get married, her kind of behavior is over the top. He needs to stand up to her and not allow her to drive a wedge between himself and you. That's not healthy for anyone. Unfortunately I think he will have to come to this realization on his own and hopefully he'll do it soon.

Dear J.,

this sounds awful for you, and some of the responses probably made you feel worse, even if they may have some good intention or even good ideas in them.

I do think your idea that her family put something in the salad points to the fact that you are in a lot of pain and not quite ready yet to think calmly about this. And i think that is natural. Because it is so painful what happened. I think it is highly unlikely that the salad was meddled with, no matter how hostile they may have been.

I think it might help you to get some honest support to help you grieve this experience. Attend to your pain as you would to a distressed infant. Do what you can to make you feel better in all ways. Then revisit what happened calmly and maybe you will see some way forward to start communicating with your son and daughter-in-law.

I find that loving speech and loving listening are the only real solutions to such trouble and estrangement. But it needs time and a lot of looking deeply into yourself to get ready for this hard task.

Good luck! I hope all these responses will help you find a way!

D.

Janiis,

I think your DIL has a twin and my brother married her. I have only met my SIL about 4 times at 10min at a time. She hates my mother. My story is probably as long as yours!

We have not spoken in 8 years to my brother, he has cut our mother off at every turn because of the women he has married.

We have found that you cannot change how they are or live. I have found that some people just are not on the same thinking level. That they are somehow frightened of what kind of relationship that we had with my brother, it was very close. He fell in love with a needy, controlling, insecure frightened women. Who knew how to figure out that playing on my brothers emotions would keep him to herself, not allowing a relationship with his family. My mom has been very devastated by all this. They have four children we have never seen...we didnt even know she was pregnant...they never called when they were born...they will not talk to her....they punish my mother with this all the time. My mom is a wonderful caring women with a huge heart that has been broken. She is 76 years old and not allowed to see her grandchildren for unknown reasons that only a therapist might be able to figure out.

We have learned over the years that nothing is going to change. My mom sends cards on Holidays now. They even berated her on this because she misspelled something on the envelope. They have called and left messages telling her off. I know have them blocked from doing this to her. We go on with our happy life here. My mom has lived with us now for 13 years, she has a loving family who adores her. But she will always have a hole in her heart because of this situation.
I dont believe for a moment you ruined his wedding, arrangements should have been made for the mother of the groom visiting from so far away. I would have brought your gdaughter anyway. It seems they were not very welcoming to you.

I am sorry this has happened to you, I know how you feel. The only piece advice I can give you is. Call your son to say hello, tell him you love him dearly, ask about his wife, send cards. You cannot change the past. Just move forward.

D.

You mentioned that your DILs family and your son are fundamentalist Christians, but you did not say whether you are. If you are NOT, I would guess thats the problem she and her family have with you. Its insane if thats true and definitely not fair, but it at least explains things.
As far as your DILs quite obvious mental health issues, I would discuss this with your son. I know it seems like its a personal problem she has, but it affects people around her, and is affecting you and your sons relationship.

Wow, it sounds like you have some really deep issues here. I would strongly suggest you talk with someone in a professional setting. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you but, again, I strongly urge you to get help working through this.

This is a hard one!
Maybe try something exceptionally nice at first - even though she clearly does not deserve it.
Buy her a present of something you know she would really like. Sent it to her with a note saying that you truly want to be friends and NEED her advice on what to get for your son's b-day, Christmas, etc, etc. Say you want her to be the daughter you never had, that's she's beautiful. Along those lines.
And if that does not work, put your foot down and tell that woman she is selfish and that if she loves your son, she will let him have a relationship with his mom!
Good luck.

You might even want to contact a lawyer and see what rights you have.

Hi J.,
I just want to say, that is HORRIBLE!!! I wonder what your son finds in this woman that's attractive??? She sounds like a terrible person. It's easy to see where she gets it from....I can't believe her family would feed you something you were allergic to.
It seems to me that she doesn't want to share your son's affection with you. Is she like this with his friends to? Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship:(
I don't really know what to say except sorry that you have to deal with this. I have two sons (who are young) and I couldn't even imagine it!
Good luck to you and don't let this girl damage yours and your sons relationship!!!

You said that she has never spoken to you. Seems like she had her mind made up before she even met you. You all need to open the lines of communication in order to get to the bottom of this. She needs to tell you why she thinks you hate her. If she is unwilling or unable to do this I'm not really sure what else you can do. It sounds like she has some underlying issues. For somebody to have to cancel plans due to the "tone" in somebody else's voice? That does not sound like a rational person to me. You could try and write your son and her a letter saying how you feel and how much you want to be a part of their lives. I would leave out anything about the wedding though. Good luck!

I guess just do your best to talk it out with her, explain how she is only hurting her husband (your son) Of course a son wants to be close to their mom, but she is making him choose and he will eventually resent her for it. Maybe if she realizes this she will change, you already live so far apart that she only has to "Deal" with you once in a while. Hopefully she will come around!
M.

J.,
What a very painful situation this must be for you. I agree with the pp that suggested profession counseling. Sometimes we are so caught up in our side of the story and our perspective that it is hard to be objective about it. Perhaps when your son comes out for your granddaughter's birthday, you could set up a time to meet with a therapist. Respecting his religious convictions, you might even want to find a Christian counselor. If you want to preserve or maintain any kind of relationship with your son, I think you need an objective party that can sit down and hear bth sides of the story.
I'm so sorry for your pain!
Warmly,
L. :>)

This sounds VERY complicated and as you said, is surely not the whole story. For example, it's very difficult to imagine that your daughter in law's family would intentionally try to make you sick (especially since they presumably had never met you befor if you like on the East coast and they on the West) by purposefully giving you something you were allergic to - there might be some other explanation (why would they hold an event in honor of your visit and do that?). I have found that almost anything, any conflict can be attributed to miscommunication, where one party believes the other to have said or done something and the other party did not actually say or so that or mean it in the way it was taken and would be shocked to know the other party thinks they did/said that. Many many many things could be resolved by a simple conversation face to face, not on the phone and not email and not texting.

if your son comes to visit, I think you need to plan some one on one time with him and really talk to him. I would not advise accusing him or his wife of anything, but present it as how you feel. ie I would not accuse anyone of giving the wrong directions to the wedding or trying to poison you, those things will get you nowhere and if you truly believe things like that it will be difficult to reconcile with them. Rather, I would try to take a positive approach and talk about how much you love him and how important it is for you to be in touch with him and how much you want to welcome her into the family. You could say that it's been very painful the last six years and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to reconcile, maybe he can help you get to the bottom of the problem. Clearly his wife has many issues but you should probably refrain from saying such to your son as that will simply put him on guard.

If he doesn't visit then I don't see much of a chance to resolve this unless you get out there to talk in person.

Best of luck, sounds like a very painful situation and I hope you get a satisfactory resolution.

Hi J.,

Hugs for you. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Sounds like you could use some. Your granddaughter too. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Maybe your son said something about you to his wife that doesn't bother him but does his wife. Who knows! Just bizarre.

: ) Maureen

I read this the other day:

"The happiest people seem to be very focused on whatever they are doing. Unhappy people seem to be very focused on what other people are doing."

I think your dil likes creating drama for herself. Some people are motivated by negative energy. She likely has some strong opinions about how you live and past actions, but not much you can do unless she's willing to talk about it in counseling. Hopefully, with time she will mature and get some perspective. If she ever has a son, perhaps she will realize how terrible it would be to live like you do. In the meantime, try to reach out to your son (and include her in your best wishes) as often as you can. Peace.

Pray. If you attend a church with prayer ministry ask them to pray over you. I am sorry, these years must have been hard on you.
This might not be the answer you hoping for....I will be praying for you too.

Trish
ps As far as the salad with shell food hidden. It is completely possible that the spoon that served your salad was handled by somebody who had shell food residue on there hands or shell food on there plate. I am epi-pen allergic to egg and have come across, cross contamination like that. Even the littlest bit of oil can cause harm. Her fam probably does not have allergies. It likely the occurance was accidental.

you give us a perspective from the wedding on.... what was your relationship like during the courting/dating period? What was your relationship like when you first met her?
She couldn't have hated you without even knowing you unless your son filled her head with stories.

I agree that if in fact this is going on, you should find a counselor to help you work through this. Unfortunately, your son is now a grown man and can make his own decisions about visiting your, contacting you or not.

The wedding sounds almost like that movie that was out a year or so back where the mother in law tried to stick peanuts in the gravy knowing the daughter in law to be was allergic.

Honestly you come across as very accusatory and dissaproving to me and I am guessing that is why your DIL has shied away from you. Your son found a woman that he loves, who shares his same values and beliefs, yet instead of celebrating you focus on that there was no dancing at the wedding because they are fundamentalist. The fact that you bring up this little detail makes me wonder if you approached other aspects of their wedding plans in a negative manner. If you arrived for my wedding and started bashing my religious beliefs I would be a little cold too. I do acknowledge that arrangements should have been made for the mother of the groom, visiting from out of town, to get to the wedding. Other parts of your story make me wonder if you made that difficult for them as well. Did you stay in a hotel an hour away because you needed to accomodate for the dog you brought with you? Did you require someone to transport you who would allow a dog in their car? Really who brings their dog to a wedding unless it is necessary for a physical handicap? I also find it hand to believe that the parents of the bride, whom you had never met, tried to poison you. Did you accuse her parents of this? That would be extremely off-putting as well. Following the wedding you mention making calls where you knew that she was home and would leave messages begging her to answer. Really? Aren't they in California? How did you know she was home? Perhaps even if she was home, she was in the bathroom or otherwise indisposed. I'm not surprised that a message on the machine accusing her of not answering sent this girl into a stress migraine. You also mention the life insurance policy, are you more concerned with being left out of a possible monetary gain than news of your sons death? Otherwise why mention the dollar amount, perhaps he is trying to cover the cost of their mortgage and living expense in the event that he is gone and wants to provide for his family. You make no mention of even wanting to get to know your DIL and you are surprised that this means you lose contact with your son. He is a grown man, starting a family of his own, of which you highly dissaprove. Maybe if you tried to be happy for your son and lovingly supportive of him and his wife, you could re-establish a relationship with them. And I do mean "them" because they are married and are commited to a lifetime together with or without you. You need to stop pretending that you are a victim and accept that your own behavior has driven your son, and the woman he loves, away from you.

ADDED 11/9/09
Dear Janice, thank you for your personal message however since I do not know you personally I am responding here in the public forum in which you asked for advice. Just so you know "in my culture" I was raised to be accepting of people from all different religions, I am not myself fundamentalist btw. You asked for advice and I gave you my opinion based only on your own words. I do not know you and the fact that you sent me a personal message warning me that I had better "watch out" only shows me that I was correct in my opinion. I hope that was not some sort of threat and I advice you to seek psychiatric help to deal with your issues. Best of luck to you.