My Child Is intense....help!

My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and she is having major meltdowns too. If you try to do something she yells at you and tells you that she is going to do it, trying to be very independent. The last couple of times she has done this and wouldn't stop screaming and crying I put her on the couch in the other room and tell her she can sit there until she is done and so far it has worked. When I hear that she has been kinda quiet I would go in there and ask her if she was done and she would say yes and get up and start playing and laughing like nothing had ever happend. Once I have separated her from the rest of us my husband and I don't give her the attention that she is looking for until she is done crying. Hopefully this helps.

Mother or a 2 1/2 year old girl and 6 month old boy.

This sounds like my son. He is now 14 and has always been what I call a "high maintenance" kid. He would love to have me in his backpocket when he wanted me, and ignore me the rest of the time. His tantrums would disrupt everthing--family, daycare, school, etc.

Step 1: Breathe. Relax. You are not a bad mother. She is not a bad kid. In the midst of a royal tantrum, I found that isolating Dylan helped. I would take him to his room, and lay with him until he calmed down. Usually he would begin to complain of a headache and then he would fall asleep.

Step 2: Focus on your daughter's positive traits. Remind her daily of how engaging, funny, and lovable she is. Be honest about her lack of self control and need for rest. How much rest a child needs doesn't depend on the clock. Maybe she needs longer naps, or just time to rest and calm down during the day. Help her to grow with love.

Step 3: Then pray and wait. My son turned the corner this year. He is still rebellious with long hair and skater clothes, but he's on the honor roll. He went 1/2 the school year before he received a detention. He still has a mouth that needs washing with soap from time to time, but he's growing up. Be patient.

Just screaming??? or are there words and ideas that she is communicating with the screaming??

what is the exact nature of the process? how does it begin??
what are the precursors or the preceding events that seem to be occur prior to a screaming event???

God is in the details, and while I get the overall nature of the screaming that you are feeling is a problem for you, I am not getting the exact nature of the event.

So before I offer advice on what to do, I gotta know in
as much detail as possible "what" specifically and exactly is going on.

Finally, everyone is different, which means that your daughter is and does interpret her own world uniquely...functionally that translates into what you mean when you say and do things, may mean something slightly or maybe even a lot different to her. It's sorta like the stuff that exists between certain cultures where interpersonal space means one thing to someone from one country but something entirely different to another country.

and, it could be the littlest thing that you aren't even
aware of that is somehow getting "turned on" by your daughter, and it completely baffles you and maybe even her.

I can't tell how subtle stuff gets to trigger big stuff.

I have clients who blithely tell me about their days and are totally unaware that their beliefs are driving their discomforts and fears etc, and they are totally oblivious to the underlying goofiness...and I say goofiness because it is not mental illness or craziness...it's just accidental programming that somehow got plugged in and now is operating without conscious awareness and is making them "nuts" or making their life really inefficient.....and it's stuff that every one has....in the oddest places and oddest ways...

R.

if you can find the time, read mary sheedy kurcinka's "how to raise your spirited child". wonderful book, and a life-saver with intense kids! you might try talking to your baby-sitter about changing her descriptive words toward the more positive ones that you just used -- instead of have a screaming fit, your daughter was very intense today. instead of refusing to be alone during a fit, your daughter wanted lots of comfort. changing the way we are described often changes us.
my 8 year old is very intense. and while letting her have alone time NOW works well, from 3-6 it only made things worse. the only time i sent her to her room alone was when i absolutely could not stand another second of screaming. try holding your daughter until she calms down, or sitting next to her on the couch. tell her that she can talk to you when she is ready. and then explain that there are appropriate ways to express frustrations and stick by those -- like my daughter's screams were ear-splitting. so if she felt the need to shriek, she had to do it into a pillow.
no new foods? sometimes that cause behavioral changes as well.

This is very normal for your almost 3 year old they are transitioning and seeing things in a more mature view than a 2 year old. When my oldest was 3 she never wanted to leave the house, not even to go to grammies.
3 year old are 2's with logic and know how to make things work for them. They are also looking for limits so see what works for your family and stick to them, she will get it but she will also push and if you give in she will work it.
There is a great easy read book called "Your Three-Year-Old"
by Louise Bates Ames,PH.D that just tells you what your 3 year old is like and what you can expect. I found this book to be very helpful with few opinions. Things will get better so enjoy the little moments, it changes quickly.
I am a mother of 3 girls one more intense than the other.

Just a thought, as it hasn't been mentioned yet - Allergies? My son became an absolute bear to deal with over the course of the first summer after he turned three. He was my little angel and then suddenly he began getting angry over what seemed like nothing - often at bedtime or when it was time to stop doing something fun. It took a while before I figured out what was affecting him - allergies. Age 3 is when seasonal allergies begin to rear their ugly heads and my son has severe allergies to many of the weed, grass, and mold pollens that are out over the course of spring, summer, and fall. I would talk to your pediatrician about this possibility and see if something like Claritin, Benadryl or Zyrtec (beware of Zyrtec - while it works for me, it seems to make my son's behavior worse when we tried it - he's had luck with prescription Allegra) will make any difference. My son was also allergic to our cats (I found out I was too) and so we gave them away as well. It has made a world of difference, and most of the time I have my little angel back again. He's 5 now and we're going through shot therapy to try and get our bodies to deal with these allergies. I also get email from pollen.com letting me know what allergies are most predominant, so I can check which ones might be affecting him. I'm also trying to prepare for next spring, when my daughter will turn 3 and we'll likely go through this all over again with her.

It may not be the reason, but it's worth not overlooking. If nothing changed around her that could be affecting her mood/disposition, then I'd check with the doctor to make sure that there isn't something medical that is causing her discomfort.

Dear E.,

I know that you said nothing unsual around home but what about daycare, a new kid change from the provider, a fight with one of the daycare kids or the provider could have her acting like this both at home and at the sitter. things that may not seem important at the time could be the cause. As for the provider saying something postive has she always been negative or just recently, I am just thinking that maybe you need to switch providers. My daughter used to have these screaming fits, just stood there and screamed not taking. I finally figured out what worked for her. She knows words but at the time just couldn't figure out how to get what she was feeling out to others. I have taught her to use words when she is mad. don't get me wrong she still has screaming fit now and then, but not like it was before. With my daughter she also had a hard time sleeping she would seriously flip out. Well I bought her a different type of night light and rearranged her room and it has gotten a little better. I hope you can figure out what is wrong or at least help minimize some of her problems.
B.

time outs are probably the worst solution for a stressed child. the book "Smart Love" by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper is really good. When a child is having those kinds of melt downs it means they are stressed and need more love not less. You may want to see how your caregiver is dealing with these things. Is she actively involved with the children all day long and affectionate and patient? Does she understand where children are developmentally at that age? Giving your child reassurance that she is loved and that you are there to help her will work much better than traditional discipline approaches. While generally, it is recommended to have continuity of caregiver for the first 3 years, if this carer is not the right one and if she doesn't love your children, then a change may be in order.

Hi E.,
My son is almost 4 and we've been seeing similar separation anxiety episodes when we leave him at drop off classes- which he loves. I asked his teacher about this and she said that if he's learning something developmentally, he could be revisiting separation anxiety.
Also, we've been going to classes at Tuesday's Child now for a while because his behavior was just ridiculous around the age of 2 1/2. Screaming, hitting, biting, extremely bossy- refusal to do/eat anything that wasn't his idea...Since going there we've learned that he has sensory integration issues and have gotten a screening. We start group therapy this week and I'm very excited. Maybe get her screened. Chicago Public Schools are mandated to test all children for free. All you have to do is contact your local school for info. What have you got to lose? You can always call Tuesday's Child as well. I highly recommend it! I hope that helps!
Blessings,
J.

Hi E. - my son is going through the same thing, and it's driving me crazy! We did turn a corner when I took him to Vacation Bible School at church last week. I had to just hand him over (let them pry him out of my arms!), and I had to run. The first day, he calmed down within 5 or 10 minutes from his fit of screaming and crying. The second day, he whined and cried a little for a couple minutes, and then got it together on his own and had a blast. The third and fourth days, he still had to be pried out of my arms, but all he did was whine for a bit, and by the time his feet hit the floor, he was snapping out of it. He did the same at a friend's church Friday night, with the screaming and crying, but he snapped out of it wihin two minutes. I just really made a point of telling him clearly and calmly "I love you, and I'll see you in a little while!". It seems to be working -yesterday he had barely any problem going into Sunday school at church - he did have to pried off of me, but no crying, and he was fine once his feet hit the floor. ;o) I'm anxious to see what happens with our babysitter on Friday night. Last time she was here, we had to come home after an hour. He refused to eat his food, threw it on the floor, and when he was told he had to go to bed for his bad behavior, he screamed, kicked, hit her, refused to get his PJs on, etc. She had no power, and we had to come home. He got spankings from Daddy and went straight to bed - no attention from Mommy and Daddy since that's what he wanted. I am hoping that slowly, our consistence will pay off, and he'll move through this stage. As far as the whining in the morning goes, I haven't figured that one out yet. It makes me nuts, and I don't deal well in the morning when I'm tired, so it's a battle. At least with my son, it's not every morning. Find something that seems to work and be consistent. Perservere! This too shall pass! Good luck, and I hope things get better soon.

Hi E.,
My daughter also went thru this stage. I hated dropping her off at daycare/preschool because I ended up staying for 45 minutes. She is 3 1/2 now and is fine. With my DD it was just a stage and her daycare teachers were wonderful with it. They would try to get her involved in something as soon as I left. I would never try to sneak out because this makes it worse the next day. I know it's hard but just hang in there and let me know if you need some moral support- sometimes it's just comforting to know you are not the only one going thru this!

Dear Mama- pre-school can be such a hard time for kids and parents alike! My kids are older now, but I found a great deal of wisdom and practical help in a little booklet called "To Train up a child" by Mark Pearl. It's available on Amazon.com for just a few dollars. I wish I had read it when my kids were smaller- a lot of what I learned by trial and error is laid out in an easy to read and quick format. Blessings on you and your dear family as you travel on this happy path! -N.

Hi E., My daughter often wakes up grouchy & I recently tried something recommended by my neighbor. Get one of her stuffed animals or dolls & have it wake her up. My daughter's doll asks her to come play, says nice things about her, and usually makes some specific request for help that gets her out of bed in a cheerful mood. It's a little cheesy, but hey, it works!

Hi E.-- It sounds like this mood swing was not from the beginning... so I would investigate. It seems bedtime is a little stressful...Talk to your daughter on her level of course, and see if you can get her to talk about being at school and her day and being at the baby sitters and her day... did something or someone do something that made something happen to make her unhappy or sad or scarry, also talk to her about touching appropriate and inappropriate etc. Her private parts are private....etc...

All the best,

Mrs. Maul

Hey E.!

Intensity is a terrific life quality and will help her tremendously as she grows and when she's navigating the real world working her way towards her dreams. That does not make her any easier to deal with now though!

I have a couple of suggestions. First I say look into her diet. Both my kids are exactly this way when I give them nuts. For some reason nuts will unravel my normally sweet good natured daughter into a crying, screaming, melting mess of a gal. For my son he gets angry and beligerant, just like a bad drunk. My son has additional food sensitivities, soy, chocolate, food coloring is a biggie and we have to be careful about sugar. When he does have some we insist he also has protein with it to counter act the insulin surge. Watch and see, our food episodes can start 20 minutes after eating and can last for 2 days if it's been a big one. I hate to say it but your daughter's new favorite food just might be the thing making her crazy.

My son is very intense and emotional and especially around 3 started to exhibit signs of what I call "crazy behavior". He happens to be gifted (we took him to a family therapist to figure out what was wrong and what to do and she tested him) so intensity of all kinds goes with that. It took me several long years to figure out that when he's having an episode the thing that works best for him is what I call cuddle therapy. I very sweetly and very calmly say, "OK, I think you need some hugs. I think you need six big hugs. Come sit in Mommy's lap for some snuggles." I match his angry emotions with soft soothing ones and grab him into my lap. Sometimes he resists and I have to force him kicking and screaming. But once I start rocking him slowly and whispering sweet nothings he usually calms down. Usually for my son he's anxious about something. So I'll say, "You must be sad that school is almost over. I'll bet you're really going to miss your teacher and your friends." Things like that so he has a soft safe place to be understood and be sad. Kids at this age really don't know what to do with disappointment, fear, anxiety, frustration, confusion so it all comes out the same way. Your daughter is at the perfect age to learn about feelings. Try to name what she feels, if you're wrong she'll tell you. It sounds time consuming and like you're rewarding negative behavior but what I've found is that it's actually brought me and my son closer and limited his number of meltdowns. All kids need hugs.

Most likely she's going through a big developmental burst and is freaking out about it. If you have concerns for her psychologically then a family therapist worked wonders for us. Not so much in how to deal with it but in figuring out why it was happening in the first place.

Good luck!
E.
Evanston