My Best Friend Involving Me in Giving Her Child Too Much Control

I'm not sure there is anything you can do except just not be drawn into it.
I've had a few friends like this.
One minute it's "I just can't get over how well behaved your children are and I don't know where I've gone wrong" and the next minute it's, "I know we all planned to go to the library, but there's going to be a fit if we don't go to Chuck E. Cheese instead. So, if you get there before us, save a table."
In situations like that, I just said I was glad for the call because we wouldn't be able to make it. And my kids and I went to the library anyway. My kids weren't fit throwers and did understand that sometimes plans change, but over something like that? Nope. What about what MY kids wanted to do?
I think your friend is in for a world of hurt that she can't even imagine.
It always comes back to bite parents in the butt who are afraid to say no or cater to every whim, for whatever reason.
And, one of the consequences can be people deciding not to get drawn into it.
I'm going through this with a friend right now and thankfully she doesn't live close by. Her son is totally disrespectful, rude, mouthy...and not just to her.
Her way of coping is to just give him whatever he wants thinking he will change and then she cries because nothing she ever gives him or buys for him or does for him is good enough. And he flat tells her so because he knows that he can get away with it.
She feels guilty because she works. She feels guilty because she's divorced. I've heard it all. I've heard him say the most ugly things to her even in public to the point other people are staring and she hands him money and offers to wait while he finds something he wants.
I have found that there is nothing I can say to her.
My son doesn't want to be around her kid and I hate to say it, but I don't either. It exhausts me to listen to how he runs everything and how she just doesn't know what to do.
She's a super good person and I know she loves her son, but NO is not in either one's vocabulary and what seems simple to me seems unreasonable and unfair to her.
I just stay out of it as much as possible.
I don't have to buy into any of it.
Some things are better left alone if there's nothing you can say or do to help or make a difference.

It's a tough position to be in and I wish you the best.

As Shane B. described, set your own boundaries as to what you will and will not do to further your friend's way of being when they are with you. If your children are playing with the blocks and your friend suggests a different activity, say "they're playing with blocks now. Perhaps we can do the other later." and leave it at that.

I also liked the suggestion that Ashley S. gave to hand her a book. I'm not familiar with the one that she suggested. Find a book that is similar to the way you want to parent and hand it to her when she complains. This is not passive-aggressive. It's responding to her words and not to her meaning. Life is much easier when we respond to what is actually happening instead of being a mind reader. Yes, she wants reassurance that it's OK with you but it's not OK.

Be honest but diplomatic in expressing your own feelings. When you are uncomfortable with what is going on don't just accept it. Voice your feelings using I statements in a calm manner.

By having not said anything all this time you have strong feelings about this
which is getting in the way of enjoying her company. Vent those feelings, as you have here, by talking with someone and by writing them down. Make a pact with yourself that you are going to work on finding ways to deal with those feelings while you're with her. Pushing them down doesn't work.

Stand up for yourself and your children in a kind way but stand up for yourself.

When she starts to talk about feeling bad about her daughter's behavior, hand her this book and say, "I saw this the other day at the bookstore and thought it might be helpful for you!" Skim through it yourself and say maybe point out a chapter that would particularly benefit her and say, "I particularly liked this chapter, I tried this technique on my child and was surprised how effective it was."

The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child : For Birth to Age Ten by Dr. Sears
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316779040/carroll...

Then, leave it at that. Sure, it may be passive aggressive, but it is helpful and obviously, she has expressed concern and is making things rough on your family anyways, so why not?

When she tries and make you and your kids jump to her daughters demands, just tell her when the activity is over then maybe you can start the next one, but she has to be patient because the children have to take turns doing the activities. Or just say that her daughter can go on ahead, but your children will finish what they are enjoying.
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I really do have this book though and it has helped our family so much, which is why I recommended it. I think by referring her to a pro and letting her do her own research, lets you off the hook and leaves it in her hands.

It is best to learn and use the Senenity Prayer, which is about accepting what we cannot change, change what we can and having the wisdom to know the difference.

You can't help your friend. Until she sees that only she can fix her problem and takes the bull by the horns, she's just going to want sympathy and people who are willing to give in to the whims of her little princess. The only way you are going to avoid into being drawn in is to make yourself less available to your friend and her child. Get together less often. It could be your friendship has run it's course and it's time to move on.

I think most of us have experienced this situation. In fact, I have an older daughter who is a single mom. Though I know she loves my grandson, I also know he is not being raised in the ideal situation. My grandson gets bounced around alot between my daughter and his dad or even friends of both. My daughter is distracted by her own social needs and attempting to go to college and work. Her parenting style is often "reactionary" Her discipline results from her own frustration, exhaustion and difficulty coping instead of from love and nuturing. On the opposite side she will occasionally over indulge due to her own feelings of guilt. It is a parenting style that is confusing for the child.

I feel quite frustrated by the way my grandson is being raised and sad for him as I truly do believe his potential is limited because of these circumstances. Additionally, my grandson's, behavior is not what I wish it were and I am concerned that as he grows up he will act out even more resulting in trouble at school etc. I would love to see my daughter change in how she is raising my grandson, but I realize that this is her child and my hands are tied.

At my home, however, I am in charge. I set the rules and though my grandson has challenged me many times, consistency has paid off. He knows that while we love him and will not abandon him, we also have expectations of him and will hold him to a specific standard. My husband is key in this. A male presence is irreplaceable.

I believe, when we become parents, our children have to become the priority in our lives. This is difficult when we are lonely, stressed and do not have a partner supporting us. The children suffer because of it.

You cannot judge your friend or intefer in her parenting. You can give loving advice and support if she needs it and perhaps, most importantly you can hold her daughter to the same standards you hold all the other children in your home. If you are consistent in your expectations and have clear consequences, your friend's daughter will begin to demonstrate changes in her behavior and you will also be helping to make her feel more secure.

Best wishes.

Your dilemma is indeed a difficult one as friendship often has boundaries that are difficult to cross. I agree that your friend is not likely to change unless she sees the benefit to her and has the guts to act like a parent instead of her child's best friend.

Would it help you to ask her some open ended questions with the concept of choice such as "What makes you choose to be your daughter's friend instead of her parent?" or "What are the long term results of your daughter's behavior if you don't take a stand with her acting out"? Perhaps this might be an opportunity to also let her know that you see difficulty with her daughter when she visits your house. You can also tell your friends "when my daughter misbehaves in this manner, I lay down this consequence".... "what would you like for me to do when your daughter does this at my house?"

If none of this works, then distancing yourself, as painful as it is, might be the best choice.

If I can be of help to you or your friend, please do not hesitate to contact me.
It is my passion to help parents do their job. Kids actually want limits set for them and loads of parents forget this as they take the easier role of friend instead of parent.

hope this helps

Unless your friend asks you specifically for your thoughts or advice, I wouldn't say anything. BUT you don't have to change YOUR house rules for her when she's there. Simply don't buy into the games. Not sure how old she/your kids are, but reinforce your rules with simple sentence statements.