Agression Among Small Children

As a mother of a 3yr old girl who can be aggressive and bossy, we need to remember why children hit, push, stick tongues out, etc. they don't have emotional control, and the verbal skills we have. Try to give the aggressor words to use such as, do you want to play? or do you like the ball. Children have different temperments and your children may not be hitters, but most likely at some point they will hit, push, or even bite another kid. At this age its not really bullying, because these little ones are just learning how to socialize. Don't be afraid to give your children the tools to help them protect themselves and problem solve. for example telling the aggressor that they don't like it when the push/hit. This is what I have done with my daughter and she tells her friends things she doesn't like, lately she tells them gets over it and keeps on playing. Don't go by the example of a bully and scaring some kid at the park, just be straight forward and let the older kid know that is not okay to hit.
Former Preschool teacher
RN
Mom of 4month & 3yr old.

As the mom of 5 kids and a former preschool teacher I know that kids can and do act agressively, some more than others. I think it is also important for parents and caregivers to be actively involved in young children's interactions and try as best they can to thwart that behavior. In toddlers it is usually simple frustration that causes this. Someone else has what they want, is in thier way etc... and they don't have the skills to ask for change. That, however, does not make the behavior acceptable. Stay close to your boys and don't be afraid to step in. I also think this is where differences in parenting show up the most. My sister and I both have 3 1/2 year old boys. Mine, Elijah, I would describe as sweet and sensitive, others might call him a cry-baby. Hers, Dylan, could be described as sporty, all-boy, assertive or rough and aggresive. At family events Dylan will find anything resembling a gun and point it at Elijah. Elijah will sream and cry. Dylan does it more. I think Dylan should be made to stop, my sister thinks if Elijah wouldn't cry Dylan would stop. The solution either quit seeing my sister or quickly get the boys playing something they both enjoy.

I don't have any advice but I can relate! My son is 27 months old and is very gentle. Don't get me wrong, he's all boy and has his wild moments, but he has never hit another child or been intentionally mean at the playground. I also feel that I am constantly policing the playground to make sure some other kid (often unsupervised, sadly) doesn't run him over on the slide or throw dirt on his head. It is so awkward when you feel you have to reprimand someone else's child. Mostly I try to just remove my son from the problem kid or politely ask them to be more careful. I'm not sure how much is natural temperament and how much is caused by parenting, but whatever the cause, I think it's really sad when parents don't watch their children in public places like that.

You do have to be watchful when your kids play with older kids, and don't feel awkward if you have to step in and protect them. But make sure you're not overdoing it--- kids constantly whack each other, and make faces, and talk stuff (that is, they do exactly what they see in the cartoons on TV). You have to let them figure out how to deal with it, and not shield them so much that they don't learn how to get along with their peers.

While aggression is an unwanted behaviour, it is very common at this age for kids. As another mom said, they don't always have the skills to articulate their wants & needs & in turn, resort to hitting. And a times, it is done out of the blue. It's not bullying at this age. Give your boys the words to assert themselves & you step in when it's too much but I'd also let them work it out themselves as well. Kids are not always nice & will say mean things to each other. More times than not, it's us parents who are offended by the comments & not our kids but again, give your boys the words to defend themselves. Best of luck.

I homeschool my children and although it cuts down on ALOT of the bullying, my children still get exposed to bad behaving children every once in a while.

My neighbor's boy is atroceous,beating on my son's back at 6, and now using foul language at 8. All his classmates use the same language. His mom would gush over him and baby him, using the ever so popular approach to discipline- time outs- which don't work for him and never did. He repeats the same behavior over and over. His sister comes over to play, but he has been banned. His mother knows in no uncertain terms how I feel about the boy's behavior.

Another homeschool mom I know is VERY passive with her kids- they bite and she tells them in a sweet sweet voice with a smile on her face "dont bite honey". They just keep on biting. She also uses time outs but the behavior doesn't change. She has very mean spirited boys. Her older boy stomped on my son's lunch. We've wiped her off our list of play freinds.

Every situation is different, but in general if a parent is being passive about controling their child, I step in and say what needs to be said. I use a tone of voice that emminates my adult authority and my right as a human being to expect courtesy from another.(and a look that shows my displeasure - not happiness or indiference ), which seems to be lacking in parenting these days. Parents seem afraid to discipline their own children.
The fear comes from the thought of "not being liked" by the child.

I have also told my children to ignore/not play with children like that and i have also removed my kids from the park if need be. If it is a freind, and infractions continue to repeat- She knows that I am not happy with the situation ..I stop scheduling play dates, and that is that.

There has been a huge movement to move away from authority driven parenting to passive parenting. Passive parenting doesnt work- ESPECIALLY with boys- time outs are a farce and even the originator of the time out never mean't for it to be used as a punishment for a misdemeanor.

To guard my kids from bad influences during those formative years- I homeschool. I have good control over who they are exposed to. I can guide them in choosing freinds. I have to say it works. They have seen me in action and they emmulate it. My 12 yr old daughter made freinds with a girl down the street. A few months later at her birthday party this girl wanted to have the girls get into the mom's car (with the mom!)and go around toilet papering homes and picking up boys. She told the girl that she couldnt do it because her mom wouldnt allow her to do it- and the girl told her that I didnt need to know. My daughter's response- "that would be lying". My daughter's response caused them to not go Tp'ing, and my daughter decided after that day she didnt want to be freinds with someone who would encourage her to do things behind my back and compromise the moral values she had not only been taught- but held herself. My daughter didnt even have to tell me about the incident, but she did. She wanted to show me how she followed my lead- she wanted me to be proud of her.

If you stand up for your kids, it will teach them to stand up for themselves. If they see you being passive and letting others bully you and them, they will copy that behavior you have modeled for them, and will allow people to bully them and even others at the scene.
Have a heart of courage and not a heart of fear. Yes it can feel unpleasant to have to confront sin, and possibly have someone dislike you for confronting it. but if you dont do it, your kids wont do it as they grow up either.

Remember Jesus had no problem confronting sin.

Blessings,
Gail

ps...I just read another post where a mom said a 4 yr old should be left to rely on his own to fix problems and mommy can't interviene forever. My God!These are the years you are suppose to interviene! it's called training. HEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM. if 4 yr olds are now as mature in thinking as adults- maybe we should just put a suit on the little guy and send him out into the working world.

E.

Good questions. My son was very much like the boys you describe. It takes a lot of restating, reinforcing, encouraging and helping them to identify their feelings. Boys take longer to develop their verbal skills than girls. Their frontal lobe doesn't come in as soon as girls, and for every child it is different. Most of the kids can't verbalize their feelings until 4 or 5 so some will use physical means to express what is going on emotionally. Then you put in there the competitive nature and the alpha dog mentality, it is much different than us girls. There is an excellent book about boys called the Wonder of Boys. It explains the testosterone effect on the young male brain as well as other social influences. I highly recommend it.
The most important thing to remember is who these boys are today is not who they will be tomorrow. Encourage them, set your boundaries, but don't spend a lot of time in judgement, just teach your kids to assert themselves and use their words. It will be ok!