My 4 Year Old Cries About "Everything"

Here's some links with advice on building self-confidence in little ones I've found helpful:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-develo...
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/confidence.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creative-development/...
http://www.4children.org/issues/2007/september_october/ra...

A tip I found helps my little guy is that when I see his frustration mounting I remove him from the situation until and if he calms down, not waiting for him to escalate into tears. He's very determined to do things himself perfectly (he'll be three in April) but trying to undo his extreme frustration several times a day isn't teaching him to be self-confident.

I'm a perfectionist by nature, and often find myself fighting my tendency of wanting to re-do something to "get it right." I wish my parents had let me know that however I did things was fine, trying was the important thing ; )

It hopefully is a phase and it sounds like yes, she is getting easily frustrated by things being hard, or not going her way. My DD can be the same way sometimes - most especially when she is hungry or over-tired. I'm not sure of any "perfect" way to deal with it, but some things I've done is:

Help her name her feelings - are you frustrated? Disappointed? Angry? etc. Then sympathize to a point - I know you are ____, I can see that.

Make it clear that certain behaviors (throwing things, etc.) are not okay - we can feel however we feel, but always acting on those feelings in a non-constructive way (like tearing at the dress) will not fly. If something gets ruined in the process, maybe she'll start to see it was her own fault because she could not control herself.

I sometimes will suggest to DD that she "take a break" - either take a break from trying to do whatever she is trying to do that she's getting frustrated with, or if she starts to have a meltdown, she can take a break in her room for 10 minutes, or however long it takes for her to calm down. I really don't need to be her audience when she decides to throw a tantrum.

I let DD attempt to do things on her own, and let her know I am here to help if she asks for it. Usually she'll struggle and struggle and either she does end up getting it right, or she finally admits she needs help. Always let her know it's okay to ask for help, but she may have to come to that conclusion on her own.

She may not be in day care, but maybe some kind of preschool or pre-kindergarten classes would be helpful too - she may need help learning that she can't have everything her way and it's not the end of the world. She also may need to hear that as long as she tries her best, that's all that matters. Sometimes my DD just starts whining "I can't....!" and I don't rush in to rescue her if I know she really can. I just keep telling her yes she can, but I can help her if she really needs it.

Good luck, I feel your pain. I know how strong-willed kids can be and all I can hope is that it will pay off in adulthood in a big way!

Some children don't naturally figure out what an appropriate reaction to a problem is and they need to be taught.
When she's calm have a talk with her about big problems and little problems. Discuss what an appropriate reaction to each is. Give her some ideas of how to get her emotions under control such as taking deep breaths and counting.
Next time she has one of these fits remind her of her of the discussion. If she is completely beyond regaining control she may need to go to her room until she can calm down. Once she is under control discuss how you can solve the problem at hand. For instance if she can't read a word work on sounding it out.

My daughter is similar to yours in comprehension and will power. The only difference I see is that we disciplined fits and tantrums rather than trying to comfort them and calm them (which we felt was rewarding them).

Yes, we comfort sadness, anger, genuine fear, but as for "frustration fits" all kids have those if they're allowed, and the nicer you are, the worse they get. You said yourself, you're doing EVERYTHING on the positive side of things for her. Now she needs some firm guidance in what is NOT allowed as well. We disciplined this in all the kids and once they learn what they CAN'T do, as in blow up and go into big extended fits, they learn what to do instead: Get over it. We skipped time outs since they enable fits and went right into super firm mode after a fair warning when a bratty fit was about to start and there was no fatigue, hunger or good reason involved. Don't let her rehearse total melt downs when she's frustrated by daily challenges. Make her rehearse getting over it, which is what she'll have to do in life. It takes discipline (for all but very rare kids), but to me this is a very big part of learning and maturity right up there with reading writing and other skills they wouldn't just learn on their own. When "showing her and telling her" how to act has no effect, enforce consequences for the fits. Once she has that self control and good behavior, she will be much happier and more confident.

Christina, if you hadn't given so much detail, my answer would have been a little different. From what you have written, I really think that perhaps your child has a perfectionist personality that you have started to just recognize because she is now exhibiting negative behaviors.

My older son had a little bit of that when I started him taking piano lessons. He would hit himself in the head when he made mistakes. I was really surprised. I decided this wasn't working and I put him in cello instead when he showed some interest in that. The reason I did that was so that he would see how other kids handled making mistakes. It worked. He stopped being upset when he made mistakes on the cello, and took lessons for 4 years after that. I feel like I helped him dodge a bullet, because he learned that lesson and applied it to other aspects of his life. I don't think his perfectionism is nearly as bad as your daughter's though.

I think it would help if you get her in preschool. I would be totally honest with who you interview. Find a school that understands this and will work with you. If they are willing, perhaps sitting in the sessions for several weeks while she gets used to their routine would help. You could then start to pop in and out until you are out more, and then finally not come in.

I would really do this now before she goes to kindergarten. Talk to your ped if this doesn't help. Some counseling might be in order so that kindergarten isn't a nightmare for her.

Good luck,
Dawn