9 Years Old, Homework, and Tears

There's really nothing else I ever found that I could say to my son when he was that age, either. For Mike, it wasn't just homework, it was ANYTHING new to him that he was an immediate expert at to include all video games, sports, instruments, etc. He's 12 now & has since grown out of that phase thank goodness. I just always tried to stay as calm as I could because allowing myself to get worked up certainly never helped the situation. Hang in there, it'll get better!

He's not a scorpio is he? lol My daughter does the same thing. If she totally doesn't get something she cries. She gets so disappointed in herself because she's a perfectionist. I get her calmed down enough to explain it a new or different way and she will light up because she "gets it". She's the same way if someone in class is working on a project with her...they have to do it perfectly or she cries...Someday we will look back on these times and laugh...or cry...lol good luck...

L.,

Nice sense of humor! (oh, the torture of homework!)

There's a great article in the New York Times magazine on children and their perception of what it is to "be smart". Here's the link:

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

In my work with children, I found this Po Bronson article exciting and right on target. A revelation that goes against what we know as parents: when we keep telling our kids that they are smart, they begin to actually avoid challenges, because they believe that it is their 'smarts' that matter and not the hard work of learning. I hope you take the time to read this, because it verifies everything I've seen as a nanny and preschool teacher.

So your statement "I think he is a bit of a perfectionist so when he doesn't get something right away he is immediately frustrated." is on track.

And this is nothing to beat yourself up on as a parent, telling your kid he's smart. We just might want to rephrase our praise to focus on his efforts instead. That it isn't just about the 'materials he has on hand', it's about the work he does to learn.

In regard to why he can't answer your questions regarding what's behind his upset: Bruno Bettelheim writes in "A Good Enough Parent" that it's wise not to ask children "WHY" questions. They usually do not have the psychological objectivity to know why they feel the way they feel, and may be worried about giving us a 'right' answer which doesn't feel correct to them. (Because they have no idea where so many of their feelings are coming from.) Then, they might try to give us an answer which seems reasonable to us, but might feel like a lie to their own selves. You might consider less ethereal, more specific questions: "What do you think will happen if you try this new assignment?" "Where does this feel tricky for you?" These are questions he'll feel more emotionally confident in answering. Even "What do you think will happen if you don't get this right?" is going to give you, as a parent, more helpful answers, and these don't go into that confusing emotional realm that a 'why' question might.

One last suggestion is to sort of ignore the tears, give him a hug, and go about what you need to be doing with an "I'm here when you are ready for my help." That will also let him know that you will be available, but you break the cycle of giving lots of attention for tears. It puts the ball in his court to sort of pull it together and get on to the task at hand. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it's not meant to, it's just that when we have a pattern of getting upset before doing something new, it's nice to change it. The discussions regarding his emotions are distracting from what he needs to be doing, which is his homework. A kiss, and an encouraging word will give him a nice message of confidence that YOU believe he can do it.

Oh, and how did the conference go that you'd posted on last week... just curious. :)

First, drop the "You are a smart boy" type of comment. You mean well...but it can have a lasting negative impact on him..especially if he is a perfectionist.

Say things like,"You are a hard worker", "You take on difficult tasks so well" or "You are very dependable to get your homework done". He will always equate "smartness" as to being successful in your eyes and others and if he falls short then he will feel ashamed and embarrassed...and kids tend to lie and cheat to simply appear "smart".

Teach him it is ok to get frustrated when homework is tough...tell him you understand the tears because he feels overwhelmed and tired. Be empathetic and remain calm. Tell him it is ok to make mistakes...mistakes cause us to learn...cause us to find alternative solutions and mistakes are sometimes what have produced the greatest inventions and innovations in our society.

We had these same dilemmas with our oldest son and next in line, daughter. I make sure that they have a quiet space to do homework to avoid noises that will agitate frustrations. Make sure he has had a snacks and a drink so that he is not running on empty. If tears come then say calmly, let's put that subject away for a few minutes and go on to something different. I will sometimes tell my kids to go read for a good 20 minutes or so if I see frustrations welling up. Or go throw the basket ball, play their musical instrument etc. It is a good distractor.

There were a few times I emailed a teacher or two and explained the situation and said I called it quits with homework because of tears and frustration. In our home we will not allow homework to destroy the peace in our home or cause a fight between our children and us. Teachers were very understanding and accommodating if other work was done and behavior in class was good.

Good luck and best wishes at better homework time!!

Hi L.,
I read this article that I'm including in this message about what not to say to kids. It's a really good article and I found it very helpful with my boys.
Sounds like your son is a very sensitive young man. There could be something outside the box going on at school, bullying, or kids teasing him, or the teacher belittling the kids for not knowing something. I would check those things out because it could cause a background sensitivity towards things that normally we shouldn't cry over. I say that because I was severely bullied in school, and belittled as a child and became very sensitive towards a lot of things that normally I shouldn't. I'm 41 now, and I have a backbone now, however my sensitivity still comes about at times. Here's that article for you to read. It's really interesting. Hope this helps.
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

My son had similar problems last year (4th grade). He had gained a reputation among both the teachers and other kids as being the smartest one in the grade. In addition he put tremendous pressure on himself to be perfect. If something didn't come easily to him, he would become paralyzed because he was afraid of failing. It would easily take an hour to an hour of nagging, fighting, begging, and screaming to get him to even start his homework,with us both escalating until there were tears on both sides. Things came to a head in a full blown panic attack complete with racing heart, and hyperventilation. It was not good at all.

So, we did several things. He started therapy. This was outside of school because we felt he needed more than the school could give him. We also worked very hard on convincing him that we would all be proud of him if he merely did his best to learn, and that he didn't have to be perfect all the time. We also convinced him that he didn't have to go above and beyond what was asked all the time -- that if the teacher asks for 5 paragraphs, you should give 5 paragraphs -- not 10 pages.

We also worked on the starting his homework issue with a reward system. There was a concert he wanted to go to -- I told him if he could go 4 weeks without giving me a hard time starting his homework, he and I would go to the concert. I even said that he could have 3 strikes and still go. We decided that half an hour break after getting home from school was reasonable, and that he'd start his homework then. We wrote a contract, and both signed it, and that was the end of the hassles about homework. By the time the 4 weeks had passed, it had become a new habit to do it. And, he found that it got done quickly.

I have also found that taking a 10 minute break between subjects, or every half hour, whichever comes first, is very helpful on days when there's a lot of homework.

It took a long time for him to stop getting paralyzed by fear of not doing well. It was a project that took almost an entire academic year, but he's doing wonderfully now. Good luck to you and your son -- with your support, I'm sure he'll learn how to deal with it.

Hazel is so right on with her answer to you. And Why questions never work with kids. Although I know you just want to understand, they don't understand themselves. Balance is key! Look to see how balanced things are in your household, balance with inward and outward things. Remember too that nine is a difficult time for kids. They're going through a big change at this time. For one thing, they're starting to realize the world isn't quite what they thought it was and it's kind of a shocker for them. He seems he's a very sensitive child and sensitivity is usually intelligence. Although our world usually doesn't appreciate such things, it's the truth and isn't intelligence what it's about, real intelligence, not cleverness as the schools teach. The system puts so much stress on kids and sounds like he's afraid of failing. My kids are perfectionists too and they expect to get things right away and now and then when something is hard they get frustrated easily, but then after their frustration they go do something else even if there is a bit of sulking involved and then they come back around and try again and all the tension has been worked out and they find they can redirect their energy and everything is fine and usually things are much easier than they first thought. Sometimes this is just the way life is. Nothing is done without some level of tension. A good idea may be to observe how he does other things, play, tasks, projects, hobbies etc. and see if you can work something in with his approach to those things into his homework. Is he getting enough physical play, is he doing things with his hands like building or knitting or tieing knots or other handwork. This is very helpful not only to release tension and or stress but actually helps to draw one inward and become focused and quiet so when it's time for outward things it comes with more ease because he's learn to direct his energies. It strengthens the mind and character. You could also tell him a story about the beautiful rugs the Persians (now Iran) weaved on their looms and how intricate they were with patterns and such and although they were able to make them perfectly they would always leave one tiny mistake, because they knew only God is perfect. You can draw this out with giving it a character, a setting, a name etc. and tell it to him every night for a while and of course no moralizing, just let the story work deeply on your child. Some kids seem to be born with this trait but even so we must always look to see if we're giving messages we're unaware of or if they're amplifying a part of our character. Perfectionism can create big problems especially as a child gets older. For one thing, a person can get to the point where they won't even try something new for fear it won't be perfect. Also, he's at a good age for Aesop's Fables, just read them with him and simply read or talk about it, no moralizing, have him draw a picture and write something in his own words, make it a real piece of art. These strengthen a person. But this is only one of the many things that would enrich him. He's such a sweet boy, keep that light in him strong and enlivened. ~~Sending the best to you and him.

Hazel and Momma W are completely right - I have 3 of these guys all with slightly different twists - lots of self-imposed perfectionism, low tolerance for frustration and a need to always be in control - when you're frustrated with homework in front of anyone - even mom - your not in control anymore (my daughter, especially is still wrestling with this control portion in college).

I also give a big thumbs up to ignoring the tears. My youngest is prone to this and I tell him using energy for tears takes away from the energy he needs to listen to my help and the energy he needs tackle the work and to get the work done. When he gets the tears under control then we work - until then I'm reading the paper or working on dinner.

The Po Bronson piece is excellent - in fact I strongly recommend the entire book that piece came from - Nurture Shock - lots of great insight into child development and effective parenting.

Good Luck!
PS - In 3rd grade my youngest had a great school counselor that helped him to come up with more effective ways to channel and change his frustration with academics. Between her and his great 3rd and 4th grade teachers, we've at a much better spot in 5th. But I know not all school counselors are created equal.

Momma W and Hazel W said it perfectly. Our langauge is so EFFECTIVE that we really need to think about what we are really saying to our kiddos. Ugh...one more thing to add to the list. :)

Maybe ask him, "Are you capable of doing this homework once it is explained to you?" If yes, go for it. If no, ask "Is this homework too hard for you?" I sometimes ask kids the Three Bears question, "Too easy, too hard, just right?" Have them help you identify what is happening by asking lots of little questions.

The rule of thumb for homework is 10 minutes per grade level (not including reading time). If it exceeds this because of frustration and it truly being too hard, discuss it with the teacher. Either get homework based on skill level or only spend the allotted time on the harder homework with support. MOST teachers are willing to work the parents and students. Teachers don't know if a kiddo is struggling if he/she is not told about it.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Ditto Hazel's response.
I especially LOVE her suggestions to ask more finite questions (what will happen if __; which part isn't working for you, etc)... and to stay away from "you're so smart" or "why are you crying?".... those don't address the issues and are a distraction. Not to mention the inconsistency your child feels when you tell him he is smart yet he is unable to get his homework done.

Focus on a plan to get the work done. Or a signal for him to use when he starts feeling overwhelmed or has a question or needs some help.... and be right there. That's what I do with my kids.
My son, 13, is doing algebra this year, and there have been some really frustrating days... He gets mad. He gets upset. He shuts down. BUT, I remind him that it IS confusing stuff. It IS hard. THEREFORE, he has to spend some time learning how to do it. MOST people don't just see it once and know how to do it. "Here I am, to help...." "Show me what you have so far.." "what do you think comes next?" "Let's practice it." "Now you try." "You work on the next one, while I go get the clothes out of the dryer. Let me know if you get stuck." "It's okay that you don't get it yet. That's how you learn." etc.
Don't focus on the tears. Homework can be HARD. And if he is in meltdown, he CAN'T think. So before you see it get that far, take a break. Have some apple and go outside for 10 minutes. Read him a chapter from a story... kids STILL love to be read to after they can do it on their own.

We had the exact same scenario last night. Granddaughter burst into tears as soon as she asked for help! I felt so bad for her. I think her thing is that she is a perfectionist and a people pleaser and she's very hard on herself. I think she just beats herself up when she doesn't understand. And why she would do that is beyond me because I've had to go on the internet to get a tutor to help us figure out some of her math so she knows that she's not alone in not knowing how to do it. She just gets so frustrated. My husband and I decided last night that we are going to get a tutor for her so that she's not struggling so bad. We're afraid that if she is struggling too much, she'll give up. Good luck! Just give him a big hug when he starts crying and tell him to take a deep breath and then the two of you will work on it together and you're gonna be there with him until the last problem is done!

I definitely understand what you are going through. I went through the exact same thing for a few years. He's now in 4th grade and last year I started preparing him for what he thought was horrible -- that 4th graders were expected to do their own homework. Did it help? To a point. I still get him organized, but am slowly weaning from that. I don't sit with him any more, but still check his work. We also start homework right after school instead of taking a break. He's not allowed to play video games or games on the computer on a school night, but goes straight to the Legos. It was hard pulling him away from that and he always made excuses. No more! I stress when your responsibilities are done, then you can play. I read the book "New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman and it gave a lot of good tips on this matter and other situations which I have put into action. My excuse to him as to why I do certain things is that "the book said so." For some reason it works better than me saying "I said so." I also made up a checklist for him to go over each day. Some daily chores are expected while others are "credited" towards his allowance. I hate to use the word "paid." He said he likes this checklist as it helps him remember what he needs to do. Are we cured? No! But it's working and I see progress. I have to remember he's only 9 and still a child.

My third grader has begged for math challenge work (extra packet) but at the first sign of "uh-oh--new stuff" he gets very discouraged.
I tell him that there's a WORLD full of stuff out there that he hasn't learned yet, because at 8, he hasn't had the chance. Same for me....and dad. I tell him that the smartest people in the world never quit learning...there's always "more" to learn. We then take it O. small step at a time.
I hate to see him get discouraged!

Is he a perfectionist? Well you said he is.
Some kids, get all stressed out about homework because, they want it to be exactly correct and don't want to make mistakes or they feel pressured about it etc. So then, they don't even want to do it.
In Kindergarten, my daughter was like that. Even in Kindergarten!
But... she is not like that anymore.
We had to teach her, to just try her best, that mistakes are how you learn etc. and the Teacher does not expect, perfection. But just to do her best.

Have you simply, asked him... why his homework is so stressful for him??? And why he cries? Crying is not 'bad'.... teach him that... but that it indicates... that he is frustrated or not happy about something.
Teach him to try to verbalize, why.

He needs to learn, to not be so hard on himself.
How is he with in class work, at school?

He also needs to learn "coping skills" for frustration. With anything.
AND that... learning and being good at something... means even making mistakes. That even GENIUSES, went through mistakes. Too. That is how.... they became so great at what they do.
It takes... work.
Being "smart"... is not just a given. It takes... work. And it is a PROCESS.

"Smart" people make mistakes too. Just being told they are 'smart'... leads kids to believe, that they can't... make mistakes. Or that they are not prone to it. So when they do make mistakes... they may have a hard time, coping with that.
People can be smart in MANY ways. It also means, learning how to study and trying their best. So that, THEY are at peace with the work they put into it.

Here is a GOOD article. Please read it:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Ex K-1 gifted teacher here. I have dealt with a lot of similar kids. Plus my own.

He is a perfectionist and often perfectionists at that age suddenly realize they are not perfect! He is in a panic. What you need to do is give him so survival skills.

I suggest:

Isolate the problem he is panicking about. Cover up the other problems with white paper and clear the table of all but pencil and eraser.

Reread the problem. Then have him reread the problem. Ask him what he thinks it is asking him. Slowly tease what it is that scares him about it.

Is it that he is being alone at home and no teacher and no resources to find the problem? Teach him where to find the answers at home. Computer, dictionary, etc.

Is it that he is imperfect in front of his mom? You know the answer to that.

Is it that he doesn't understand the problem? You can help him with that too.

It is a matter of teaching him how to problem solve by himself at home. That is really the aim of homework. I hope this helps.

L.
Take your son to music lessons. He needs an outlet. Music makes math, reading and problem solving easy. Plus it gives him a way to fit in with other kids when the school forms an orchestra or a band in the 5th or 6th grade.
Let him pick out the instrument. If he doesn't really fit well with it after a year then change instruments. He's not a Japanese Monk he's a boy who will have a chance to master music and play for fun and social reasons.