My daughter is 2 1/2 and has a very hard time when things don't go her way. She is GREAT with other kids...for example if another child isn't sharing with her or takes a toy from her she's fine. Our issue is when an adult (like mom, dad, grandma, etc.) won't give her what she wants or ask her to do something.
Some examples:
1.) "Finish your milk please." - NO...i don't want it. "Okay, but if you don't drink your milk you won't get any juice." - She starts hysterically crying.
2.) "Can you please go get your shoes." -No, I wanna keep playing with XXX - "You need to get your shoes b/c we have to go." - She starts crying.
3.) She'll ask, "Can I have candy?" - Not now, it's almost time for lunch, maybe after we eat - She starts crying.
4.) If we remind her to eat more dinner - the tears start.
We are very consistent...if we say no (like to candy) we don't give in even with her tears. When she starts crying or whining we either try to ignore it, tell her to use her words, or have her sit on the stairs until she's done crying. She's been in this "phase" for at least 4 months and it's not getting any better. I also tried 123 Magic...when she starts cryinng I''ll count to 3...sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. I feel right now like ignoring the behavior and not giving in is the best thing to do, however it's been 4 months like I said and it seems to only be getting worse.
Any thoughts or suggestions? I know she is still very young, but we're trying to teaching her that she doesn't get what she wants when she cries. Thanks!
Ignore the temper tantrums, and if they continue, start with time out. She's at an age where she's pushing buttons and trying to over step boundaries to see just how far she can go to get what she wants. This is where guidance and discipline begin :)
Not giving in is a given, but it is still allowing the fit. What happens on three when you count? If it's not effective, it won't deter future fits. Ignoring will definitely not deter future fits. If you want to stop the fits quickly, you have to discipline them firmly. The other choice is to white knuckle it until she outgrows it. Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is great for nipping fits if you take that route. 2 and 1/2 is not young! The easiest phase to nip fits is about 18 months! She's more set in her ways now and you'll need to be firmer with more consistency. It's not too late, but don't delay~
You're doing everything right. Just stick with it...some kiddoes are more stubborn than others. Eventually, she'll just stop.
Just pay no attention to the crying. It's manipulative. Any sort of attention you give it will be a payoff for her.
ETA: Also, I don't buy into the whole "phrase it so she has to choose between two things" instead of hearing "yes or no" idea (no offense, Mama Twinkie!). I think that such a method is setting you up for future difficulty...maybe not right away, but in the weeks, months and years later.
Children need to hear NO. They need to fully understand it...because there are lots of times in life that they will have to hear and accept that they cannot have/do something. Always offering an automatic alternative doesn't work in the long run...what does work is teaching the child to accept NO and then work on an alternative on their own. This is the behavior that teaches them to cope with future difficulties and disappointments, and to adapt and improvise solutions.
Best of luck!
Hmmmm. I'm not sure I have the answer for you, but I would stick to your guns and continue to be consistent. Be sure you don't start getting into control battles with her. For example, don't say "no" just out of frustration. And I'd suggest you keep trying to give her choices (maybe some with a little warning). For example:
"We can leave after you play two more games if you run get your shoes now. If you don't want to get your shoes now then one more game, and I'll get them for you."
Or instead of no to candy, "Yes, you can have candy after you eat a healthy lunch!"
One more thing.......... I played the "eating" game with my youngest son. I finally realized making them eat doesn't work all that well. It only ended up being a power struggle, and that is one they are bound to win. You might consider playing with that.
You stay firm and don't let her get what she's crying about. My DD once melted when my friend told her to stop turning the lights on and off. It wasn't that the friend yelled at her. DD was just not into "no".
"I'm sorry you are upset, but the answer is no. Try taking a deep breath and calm down." Or, like you say, "Use your words, please." And ignore most of it.
If she has trouble with transitions, give her a warning. "In 5 minutes, we have to clean up." Then "In one minute we have to clean up." Then clean up. Or I'll say, "We have to go. Which foot do you want a shoe on first?" Sometimes that helps.
It mostly passed for DD. She still has moments, but it's better. She's 3 now. Toddlers are very black/white. If they feel something, they feel it NOW. Part of the problem is just how they are learning to manage their feelings and that everything is not a crisis. (And then you'll have to re-remind her when she's 14....)
You might give her two options, like "It's time to go, Susie. Do you want to put on your shoes first, or clean up your toys first?" Maybe giving her a little control over what she does will help.
There are some things, like putting on shoes and having to leave the house, that are non-negotiable. For those, I'd just do what needs to be done and plop her in the car and strap her in. It's easier if you have a garage, but I would continue to put things in the car getting ready for your outing, while she cries, but try not to get in the car until she is done with the tears. You might actually poke your head in and say "Are you done crying yet?" and if she isn't, don't get in the car. It's basically sitting in time out in the car.
I would continue to ignore the tantrums and start putting her in her room for the time outs, instead of on the stairs. And don't let her know that you can hear her. Tell her that she cannot come out until she is no longer crying. I think that having her cry on the stairs and with you around her makes you her "captive audience".
Good luck!
Dawn
just ignore her....walking away is easiest.....redirecting her attention isn't teaching her no means no, so if you choose to redirect i would do it when you cannot walk away & let her have her tantrum by herself
My son went thorough this too and still is a bit at 5. I think alot of it has to do with power struggles. It's a hard balance because mom is the boss but kids also need to feel their power.
Pay attention to how much you say "no..don't" etc. Tell your daughter what you want her to do rather than what you don't want her to do.
Offer choices so she has the power of making a choice. Also consequences like you have with...if you don't drink your milk there will be no juice. She makes the choice and faces the consequence.
It really helps alot to give warnings when you need to transition your child to leave or brush teeth etc. Let her know, "Ok in 5 minutes we are going to get our shoes on". "In 5 minutes we are going to brush our teeth". Set the timer so she can hear it go off. Letting my son know what to expect has been like magic. When that timer goes off he is off and running to what I told him was going to happen.
"Can I have candy?" - You could say, "You can have a candy, after dinner" My son still tends to balk at this but the idea is you are not telling them no, but yes you can at the appropriate time. To redirect you could say, "After dinner what kind of candy are you going to have? M&M's or maybe a scoop of ice cream?"
I think crying needs to be ignored when she is not liking the consequence of her choice etc, she does need to know that her behavior is not going to get her what she wants. Less words the better. I also think it is important to make sure your child is not constantly feeling powerless.
Good luck...it is a tuff time. My son was the king of power struggles.
She's crying for a reason. She has feelings that she doesn't know how to express. Punishing her by putting her on the steps is doing nothing to help her to understand how to deal with those feelings. Telling her to stop crying is like telling her to stop feeling. Would that work for you? You should acknowledge her feelings. You might find that this goes a long, long way. For example, for number 2 above you can say something like, "I know you want to keep playing with XXX. Sometimes it is hard to stop playing something, isn't it. We need to get our shoes on now because we have to go to xyz. When we get home let's make sure that we play XXX." If she keeps crying, you keep telling her while you put her shoes on that you understand that she didn't want to stop playing. Just keep acknowledging and helping her to understand. I will warn you, this takes awhile to do. Don't expect this approach to work in 1 day, but if you keep at it over time your daughter will learn how to deal with things when she is frustrated, upset, etc.
I thank God for MP3 players! Cranking the tunes (or listening to a GOOD book) makes it a LOT easier to ignore the crying, whining and tantrums! I think there's a rule-- the crazier a phase drives you the longer it'll last!
While she cries, change subject and try to redirect her attention to soemthing different, this way you won't make a big deal of her crying and help her to not make a big deal of the "no". What you describe can be quite normal for some 2/3 y.o., they'll grow out of it, keep being consistent and change"scenario".
My 2 yr old daughter is/was like this. What worked for us was telling her we didn't understand what she was saying when she was crying (when she wanted something we said no to), and trying to phrase things so she had to choose between two things (not a yes or no).
For example, when we wanted her to put on shoes, we would say "which shoes do you want to put on, your pink sneakers or your black ones?" Usually she was just happy that she got to make a choice.
Not giving her something she wants (like candy in your example) is harder. Usually we start with the "i don't understand what you want when you're crying." Then we move to the "I know you want candy now, but you can have it after XYZ. Redirection generally works (especially if it's for something more "fun" or "cool") and she usually forgets that she NEEEEDED to have the candy. :)
The last thing that has been really helpful for us is emphasizing that she is a big girl (which we do a lot now that she has a baby sister) and that big girls don't cry when they don't get something. We point out all the fun things that big girls do that babies can't do. We tell her that if she wants to be a baby and cry about it, she can, but she won't be able to do XYZ. And before I get yelled at by mamas saying that it's wrong that we tell her big girls don't cry, we do let her know it's ok to cry when she's sad or hurt.
My daughter is almost 2. I think it's normal for this age. They cry or throw tantrums when they don't get what they want and that's just the way it goes. LOL.
I'm a little late, but I would tell my son when he was that age that we don't act like that. There is a book 1,2,3 magic that is great, you give them a 1 a 2 a 3 for their behavior to stop and they get an age-appropriate time out. (2 mins for 2 yrs)
LOL!!! Sorry to laugh. Been there. My son was the EXACT same way. It's that age. Get ready--it'll last a couple of years. :-/ They do grow out of it. I'd say do time outs, take things away, do a sticker chart to reward good behavior, but none of that worked for my son. He just had to mature. Until then, I just had to deal with it. I did try all of the above mentioned. It made me feel better to at least TRY to correct the behavior. Good luck!
