My 15 month old is a wonderful little girl. She has always had an easygoing personality: hardly ever cries, plays nicely, happy and laughing. She has, however, always been VERY determined. I remember when she was learning to crawl: she would scream at the top of her lungs because she was so frustrated that she couldn't move forward.
Well, now she is just as determined, but is also seems that she has very little patience. If we tell her no, or take something away from her, often she screams in frustration, pushes us away, and even throws her body on the floor or (if she is sitting up) forcefully slams her torso into the couch or high chair.
I am pretty sure she is doing this because she doesn't yet have the vocabulary to express her wants to us. But I have no idea what the best plan is to stop her from reacting so strongly to seemingly little things. Sometimes she throws such a fit that I let her cry while I walk away. I thought that if no one was watching her, she would stop. But, she really doesn't, so I don't think she is doing this just to get attention.
It is really frustrating when she does this - especially in a restaurant or store. And I have no idea how to get her to settle down. Help! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I HIGHLY reccomend Dr Harvey Carp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" he teaches how to communicate with toddlers to help them not get so frustrated that they have a tantrem, and how to deal with it when they do so that the tantrem is short and positivly resolved. IT WORKS!
Hi J., as a mother for 24 years, I'm old school. In my opinion tatrums should never be ignored, if a child is left alone to display a certain type of behavior and there is no consinquiences, then they are led to believe that the behavior is exceptable. If her tatrums are bad now what will they be like when she is 2? my kids did not throw tatrums, my first child was very mellow, my second child was still in his crawling stage, and he got mad about something and starting banging his head on the floor/ carpet, my husband went over to him gave him one swat on the butt/diaper and he never did it again, my daughter was between 15 and 18 months old and i went to out patio to light the bar b q and closed the sliding door behind me, and my daughter go mad and started banging her head on the glass, my husband went to her gave her one good swat on the butt/diaper, she never did it again, my husdband was very good in nipping things in the bud, before things were out of hand. most kids don't throw tatrums for the attention they throw them cause there i no consequiences for them. my kids are now 24, 21 and my daughter is 19. J.
Hi, our son was that way too. It's normal toddler behavior, not just at two years old. We mainly ignored the tantrums and they usually didn't last long. Often we would try to re-direct his attention. Act really excited about something else. Start playing with another toy or whatever and then they will get curious about what the excitement is all about and forget what they were upset about. How we/I handled his tantrums has been the only thing my very critical mom has approved of and told me how well I handled them. It's hard to keep your composure, especially if you're already stressed out. But it makes the situation worse. Try to have different tricks up your sleeve. What worked one day won't work another. Especially if your out in public. Sign language helps and also letting them know you know they are upset and say the words they need to use to communicate. Our son was an early talker and used many words by 18 mo's, but still didn't stop his tantrums. He's now three and the tantrums have gotten a lot better. Not so many. ;-) Good luck. You'll get through it. It's tough at first, but you'll become a pro at it.
J.,
My son started this at 15 months and didn't stop until he turned 3. My daughter is 15 months too and started this at about 14 months. She was an early walker and crawler. She is very determined to do everything and anything. She is very stubborn and if she can't verbalize what she wants or needs she has a fit. It is very frustrating and exhausting. However - I thought my little boy would never grow out of it. He is wonderful now as far as following directions and listening to me! It does get better. I totally understand how you feel. I try to ignore it and not put my daughter in situations where she gets frustrated easily. Good luck!
L.
Try teaching her sign language (www.babysigns.com). It is not as complicated as you think, just get one of the many books on sale and get started, or take a babysigns workshop in your area. She will be much more calm when her needs are understood. She is precocious and struggling because the world does not understand what she is trying to say!!
Good luck
Wow- our kids should hang out. My daughter did the same thing with rolling over, crawling, and now with putting on her shoes- she's only 20 months old and I keep telling her "don't stress, you're not supposed to be able to do that yet!" but she stands in the middle of the living room just pushing her foot into her shoes and screaming. Now she can do it, and I'm like, "hey, why not." But this is totally normal, and the phrase "terrible twos" is misleading. A) It actually starts around 18 months (and even earlier for more advanced kids), and B) I prefer to call it the terrific twos for a lot of reasons. First, "terrible twos" is such an awful name for a really wonderful period of development, and giving it that name makes parents approach it negatively. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this age- they learn so much it's amazing, and they really begin to interact with you.
For starters, you're absolutely on the right track because you already understand that she is frustrated because she doesn't have the words to tell you how she feels or what she wants. The keys to surviving this is to A) NEVER NEVER NEVER not even once give in to a tantrum. It doesn't matter what she wants, food, drink, whatever, you are not a bad person if you wait for her to calm down to give it to her. And don't hold or pick her up, either, at least in most cases. Of course, if she's hurt or sick it's a different story, but we know our kids. We know the difference. From the age of one I have insisted that my daughter use some form of communication OTHER than whining or crying (only because she was able to) when she wanted something. At first when her vocabulary was limited she only had to say please and point (and only because she had already learned please), and I would say "you want a drink please" which helps to make her feel less frustrated because it shows I understand her, and helps to develop her vocabulary. And when I say no to her and she throws a fit I ignore. I don't try to distract, I don't give in, I just ignore. Now that she's older and I can reasonably expect her to know crying when I say no isn't okay, I put her in time out if she cries for long, but I wouldn't do that until she's closer to 2.
I'm kind of a rambler, so here's a simplified list of tips
1) Give her the words (say it for her, even if you aren't going to give it to her, because sometime just knowing you understand helps)
2) When you know she can say it, insist that she say it versus whining. And be firm about it. Say "you're a big girl, and big girls use words. I'm not going to give you your _____ until you use words."
3) Encourage her to do the things she is determined to do, and console her when she gets frustrated. Teach her to say "help."
4) Be firm and don't ever ever EVER EVER give in to a fit. Repeat the no (and why if possible) and then ignore. If you're in a store, ignore. I know that's the hardest part, but no one's going to judge, and if they do they obviously don't have kids, so who cares!
5) Try to negate fits and tantrums by keeping her on a routine and by making sure her basic needs are met- food and sleep are big ones that can trigger meltdowns.
Lastly, two books that helped me a great deal with this stage- "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp, and "Your Child at Play: Ages 1-2." (I don't know the author). I don't do the "toddler-ese" Dr. Karp recommends, and I really don't know why, but just reading the book helped me understand a lot about toddlers. And "Your Child At Play" is such a great book for moms- it's mostly about the things that interest children at this age, but knowing this and the way their little minds are working is wonderfully inciteful, and it has lots of wonderful ideas for simple toys and activities that I can almost guarantee will keep toddlers occupied for, well, longer than 5 minutes! For example, it suggested cutting a hole in the top of an oatmeal container instead of a store bought shape sorter- more things can fit in it and since kids this age are really too young to learn shapes, they can work on more age appropriate concepts like "what will fit in this hole?" and "why doesn't the big block fit but the little one does?"
PS I just re-read your request; no, she's not doing it for attention, but you have to continue to ignore! If you give in then she will learn that she gets attention, and then she WILL start doing it for attention. My daughter still throws fits, but despite her high spirits she is much more cooperative and throws a lot fewer fits than some of her playmates whose parents don't have as much follow through.
I remember this stage. It is very frustrating and embarassing at times. The good news is that it is just a passing stage. Before you know it, they will have this amazing vocabulary and they will be able to articulate their wants/needs somewhat.
The thing I want to remind you is that it's important that YOU stay calm and together during these times. Things can get really heated quickly, so you have to be the voice of reason. Take deep breaths and count to 10 if you have to. Take a moment to relax before you act on the situation.
And, when your child grows up to be a teenager and if she says that you embarass her, then you can tell her.. "It's okay if I do, you embarrassed me when you were younger." Ha!
It's a tough pill for new moms to swallow but the truth is the terrible twos usually begin long before a child turns 2. My oldest son started around 17 months but things got much better when he turned 3. He's almost 6 now, he is still head strong but he's wonderful. Some kids have the terrible threes.
when my son has thrown himself on the floor..i put my foot on his butt and i help him have his tantrum and he starts to laugh and tantrum is over. I also always hug the tantrums out..instead of walking away next time..try saying "huggie" and give her a big hug and kisses and tell her "i know you want to play w/ ____ but it's dangerous...owie" Explain to her while you hug her why you don't want her to touch that..or explain that you know she wants to do this or that but it's not good. There is a book on this way of handling but i haven't read it..i just naturally started doing this and my son is over 2 ..26 months..he's a wild child but he doesn't throw many tantrums..just very curious..and now if he gets upset i can open my arms and say "huggie" and he comes over hugs me and the tantrum is over.
I'm sure you're going to hear this from a lot of other moms, but your daughter is the perfect age to start signing. YOU WILL BE AMAZED! I was fully communicating with my babies within 1-2 weeks of introducing signing. The key is to use the signs yourself when speaking to her and be consistent about using them. She is so eager to talk to you - your whole perception of her will change! You can also watch videos together. We really liked Signing Time.
Good luck and enjoy your precious little girl!
Lots of good advice so far, I'm just gonna add one more! :o) Add humor. My cute little 13 month old seems to be just like your cute little 15 month old. Very determined. Not patient at all when it comes to wanting to do something she cant do. She throws the craziest tantrums, well you've seen it! Lol! So I add humor. "What is that, you silly!?!" I grab her up, we play and I lighten the mood if possible. Other times when she will not lighten up I'll stay there and let her have her tantrum for a bit as I'm doing something else. When a little time has past I'll pick her up and talk to her calmly telling her "it's ok, you are just fine."
It's a personality thing. She is number five, I've been here before. Not something you can discipline out of them. You're going to notice that although she gets over the floor tantrum thing, she'll still get very frustrated with herself later in life. Love her. Tease her. Keep it light. Distract by playing with her or tickling her. The floor tantrum will pass with consistent love and not over reacting. Good luck!
J.,
Start using basic sign language with her. I used www.signingtime.com with both of my kids (volumes 1-3 are plenty for basic vocabulary, I have 1-9 but you really don't NEED to be able to sign farm animals! LOL) Signing promotes language and brain development and is a great way to bridge that stage where they are SO aware but still can't communicate. Even just a few signs can do so much to help with the frustration.
You could also just google American Sign Language and learn a few basic signs (milk, eat, drink, water, please, all done, and go are currently favorites with my 18 month old) and start using them. It is very, very, very cute when they start to sign back.
:-)T.
It's called manipulation.
I experienced it with my son when he was just 12 months old. I realize you have to work at home, but more importantly, she needs more constant guidance and discipline with consequences.
Good luck
it sounds like she is frustrated about communication. When our daughter was about 13-14 months old we had similar frustrations and someone suggested Sign Language. Wwe started teaching her sign language using "Signing Time!" (is on Public TV on Sunday mornings...you can record them). It was AMAZING the difference once she could communicate with us. She now has two languages as we have kept up the sign language since she began talking (she's now 3). I love also that we can have conversations with our hands in times when we need to be quiet. It really did help with the tantrums and frustration in the early days before she was verbal though, so you might consider it!
J.,
One thing that helped we did to help our son communicate with us was to teach him sign language. Gymboree had a class called Baby Signs. It really HELPED him so much when he knew what he wanted to say to us but couldn't get the words out. I would look for a local baby sign language class in your area. It did wonders for us and our strong willed son.
M.
My now 17-month old daughter started the terrible two's at about one year old. As far as the restaurant or store, all you can do is take her out. A change of atmosphere seems to work. I have noticed recently that the only time she stops her tantrum is if I say no in a very sharp voice. This probably scares her but this worked with my son who is now 15 1/5 years old and is a great teenager and wonderful big brother. I never spanked him.
The fits may very well be from the fact that she wants to do stuff and just hasn't got the skill yet or that she can't communicate. Have you tried sign language with her yet? That really helps kids learn to communicate and, if signing is not over emphasized, then it can be used as a gateway to help her build up her expressive vocabulary.
And when she does throw her fits, be careful not to give it too much attention. Tell, her that, "I don't understand screaming and crying. Use your words," and then walk away. Definitely take steps to insure your daughter's safety, but try not to act shocked, try not to "rescue her" when whe is not communicating the proper way. Consistency is key. Kids have more energy than we do and don't mind noise. They can yell and scream for a long, long time it seems but they will stop and each time that you have to go through this with her, it will be less and less. The motto I used when I had to deal with this situation is, "I don't negotiate with terrorist."
Hey there!
Ok my daughter had the begining of the same symptoms as your son around the same time. She would say she wanted an appie, which usually meant an apple so after I cut one up she wouldn't even touch it but kept saying appie. So, when I opened the 'fridge and asked what she wanted she pointed to the strawberries and said appie. I then showed her how to say strawberry in Sign language. The very next day she said she wanted appies again but did the sign for strawberries. I decided to teach her sign language and it was the best thing I have ever done. Children get really fustrated when they are not understood and they can speak faster with their hands than with their vocal cords. There is a show on PBS called Signing Time. Tivo it (or record it) and keep showing it to him. They sing songs and teach signs it is great! good luck.
Ugh! This was my son starting about the same age! 1) she's very smart and already knows what she wants and has no vocabulary to voice it. 2) hang in there--I promise it does end! (although for us it lasted until about 3.25 years old!!!)
She needs to go into time out. You may have to hold her down for the first few times. You set aside a chair--our babysitter had hers in her kitchen--and whenever he did this, he went there for 1 minute. (it's 1 minutes/yr. of age) She'll get it!
If you can anticipate what will set her off---try to avoid those situations if you can. And always try to make the situations throughout the day be more yeses than no's. We've had to leave many restaurants and parties b/c he got so overwhelmed it wasn't fun for either of us anymore. In the store---often my friends would literally just leave. I didn't have that option since I work and had a lot less time--so I'd drag him with me screaming. It is what it is! And it will pass!
Sign language is awesome at this age--even if you haven't started it before---now is good. She'll catch on quickly. Also--pictures of things---like "eat", "snack" ---"toys"--"books" things she can show you to show what she wants are helpful too.
Hang in there--good luck!
She is doing it to get attention, that's why she will keep crying, but the more that you ignore her the sooner she will stop. At the same time when she has stopped crying talk to her in words she understands, For example explain to her: let me show you how to do it then it will be your turn to try. When she is getting dressed, (lay the clothes on the bed this way then climb in down here). Or with other things. Then let her try, if she has another fit. Walk away and tell her that when she can act like a big girl and not get mad you'll show her again, that if she is going to have a fit you don't want to be by her.Because you don't like it when she acts like that, that you like it when she acts nicely and mom and dad don't act like that.
My son was older but he would see the bigger kids play game boy & xbox. Of course we understand it is just a game and to get better at it you just keep playing. He would through a kicking fit everytime he lost, after the third time seeing this fit. I walked in and turned it off. Told him this is a stupid game and if it makes you that mad then you shouldn't play it, you can try again when your older. Well a few days went by and I found him trying that game again, he told me that he was bigger now and wanted to try again, I said, fine, but you know the rules, if I see you get upset you have to turn it off, it's just a stupid game and the only way you get good at anything is to keep trying. He also use to throw tantrums in the stores when I wouldn't by him everything he wanted, I simply walked on and left my son crying on the floor. I figured if I could hear him he was fine and acting like that no-one else would want him. Then when he calmed down looked around and realized I wasn't their he started to say mom, I would tell him that I was in the next lane and when he came over I acted like I was just shopping, I explained that I didn't like it when he acted that way and that if he wanted to act like that he would have to do it alone, and if he was good through the store the next time we came and didn't throw a fit he could have a candy then. I believe it only toke us 3 times then he learned that I'm not going to get anything this way but if I'm good I'll at least get a candy. Sometimes it was the item he asked me to get that I said no to.
Just let her know that when she wants to act big, you will treat her big. Good Luck! the terrible 2's come yearly to some and stay late for others. But you'll get through it. J.
I also have a 15 month old who behaves just as you described your daughter. He has always been very easygoing and played nicely, but recently has become very willful and screams and cries when he does not get his way or if I take something away that he wants.
He does not talk yet, but I know that he understands what I am saying, and I think he gets frustrated that he cannot tell me what he wants. It is very frustrating for me too because I don't know what to do, and sometimes I have just let him cry.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
