My 16 Yo Daughter Was Caught Drinking.

I would not tell her father, or his parents, it is their private business. I would talk to her, get her to the doctor, and teach her how to be safe.

I don't have a teen yet (although I was a teen and it doesn't seem so long ago to me), so maybe this is easy for me to say, but here's my take.

From here on out, concentrate on your own daughter. No, don't talk to the boy's parents. Don't talk to the boy any more. Let his parents handle him.

Yes, take your daughter to an Ob/Gyn. You can talk to the dr before the appointment to give the doctor a heads up to your concerns, but let your daughter be with the doctor alone. She needs to be able to have an open and honest conversation with the doctor, and that's not going to happen with you in the room.

I don't know what your beliefs are with respect to premarital sex, so I know this will be hard, but I hope you won't be so judgemental that it ruins your relationship. You know she's already been hiding things from you, and you want to try to use this to open up lines of communication - now that you know, she should know that she can come talk to you about this stuff. Otherwise, if the punishment is too harsh, the lesson she may learn is that next time she needs to hide things from you better - and that's not the lesson you are trying to teach, right? It's a fine line between appropriate consequences and alienation with a teen. I hope you can find it.

I agree with nickname, don't knee jerk your response.

It is so easy to double down on what form of discipline you already practice but you need to consider this happened so did it work? I love my kids as teens, most parents don't because it is several years of thinking outside the box. Oh, that didn't work, how about this...nope, moving on.

Just what ever you do do not cut off lines of communication. It already sounds like you aren't communicating well. This is not the time to make it harder to talk to you and better at hiding things from you.

Well sounds like you've dealt with the drinking/showing up to school function drunk issue, already. You've talked to your daughter, the boyfriend, his parents and given them consequences - and outlined what you expect in future. That part - done.

I'd be talking to your daughter about the fact that she's having sex. How did you find out?
Be open, listen, and tell her that as a mom, you're going to make sure she knows about safety, health and protection - and take her to the obgyn. Be available to answer questions.

Personally - if I had only just dealt with the drunk issue, and she's upset at being grounded - I'd wait a week before talking about the sex. Because it may be too tense right now. You both should be in a good calm trusting place before you talk about that openly.

As for your husband - I don't know. I'd tell mine now, but my husband is very open and understanding. He doesn't overreact.

As for talking to the parents of the boyfriend about all this - I think I'd focus on my child, let them focus on theirs. I think it's ok to touch base with them about such things as - if say, you wanted to be sure there were adults at the house at all times if your daughter is over there, or whatever it is you are comfortable with. My sister had a very frank discussion with her daughter's boyfriend's parents. They decided at both houses doors would be open, and an adult would be home if the kids were there. I'm sure they still found time to be alone, but it wasn't encouraged let's say.

While I understand that the boyfriend is in this too you need to stop parenting him and focus on your daughter right now. The boyfriend isn't the issue its her doing the things normal teens do and you so busy thinking she was a good girl that you didn't have those conversations with her about the big issues. Talks about drugs, drinking, sex all start when they are young and the content of the talks change as they get older but the first ones start when they are little.

You need to have the talk about how choices can have deep impacts on our lives and with the rights of doing things have responsibilities. She made the choice to drink and will be feeling the impact of that decision at school and home. She made the choice to have sex and right now she's banking on the fact that he may or may not have had sex before with someone else. Let her know that every single partner someone has sex with brings long term health risks. Get her to the gyn for correct information and birth control.

Mostly I'll tell you that I've been there/done that x3 daughters. Tell your daughter that right now you are upset with everything and would like to get yourself together so you can have a serious adult conversation. Then give yourself a day or two to regroup so you aren't reacting to the situation instead of parenting and guiding your child.

welcome to mamapedia R.!! there are a lot of people in Woodbridge, NJ that need "help".

She's 16. Assuming you're in America? She can work. She needs a job.

My friend's daughter is going through this right now. He was out of the country on business and left me in charge of her and she skipped school and had sex in her dad's bedroom. It was GROSS coming in and finding a used condom on his floor. (NOT A JOKE). She denies it's hers - okay - technically, it's NOT hers, but what boy used it? She snuck out of my home too. It has led to counseling for them.

You're shocked why? You kept your head the other way believing your daughter was a "good girl". You've had the R. colored glasses ripped off. It hurts. So what do you do now?

1. You get your daughter on the pill. Tell her that IF she is going to have sex - she will be DOUBLY protected and this means that IF she's going to have sex - she will use the pill AND a condom.

2. You make sure your daughter knows how much it costs to have kids. You walk her through the grocery store - hell - take the boyfriend too - and ask if they can afford the diapers, wipes, formula, etc.? Then have them look up the costs of an apartment. If they can't afford it? They shouldn't be having sex. Kids are expensive.

3. You kinda failed in the talk department. This is not just ONE talk - this is a talk you have with your kid(s) over the years. You model the behavior you want, you talk to them about your morals, values and expectations.

the biggest problem I see? Is that your daughter didn't trust you enough to come to you and discuss her having sex with you until now. The horse is out of the gate and it's REALLY hard to close the gate once the horse is out.

WHY haven't you been having conversations with your daughter?
WHY haven't you been MORE INVOLVED in her life? I don't get it. You were a teenager once, did you not go for joy rides and break the rules?? Have you just sat back and assumed all was well?!?! I don't get it. You have to rebuild your relationship with your daughter and you need to get those lines of communications open.

Should you talk to the boyfriends parents? Personally? I think they need to know what's going on. Their kids are making adult decisions that can affect all of you.

I do know, by having teens myself, that you cannot harp on this. You MUST TALK WITH HER not TO her and you MUST realize that there is no punishment you can give her for having premarital sex or drinking that will truly fit the "crime". She needs a job. She needs to do community service - find a shelter and have her volunteer there to see what can happen when you don't THINK and just do...drugs, alcohol, sex....

Good luck!

i think this is a tough awakening for any parent, so make it a point to dial back any big over-reactions while you're working through it.
no fun- not for her, and certainly not for you. meh.
good for you for having her face consequences for drinking, especially showing up drunk to a school function. i'd take a very, very dim view of this.
16 is indeed too young to become sexually active, but that doesn't stop a huge percentage of 16 year olds. you can't unring that bell, so it's very very important at this point that you don't allow your (natural) horror to turn you into a jailer.
yes, talking to her and taking her to the doctor are your first priorities. she does need to be on BC and does need to be checked for STDs and does need to have a calm, mature, balanced conversation with you on your views, the potential consequences, stuff she might not have considered, and how to go forward. that doesn't mean you need to accede to her being sexually active. while it would be counter-productive to put her in continual lock-down, you don't have to approve it or make it easy for her.
as for your husband, it depends on his personality of course. if he's a reasonable sort, just sit him down, tell him forthrightly, and also give him your plan for dealing with it. encourage him to talk with her (calmly!) as well. if he's a fly-off-the-handle fellow then rein him in out of the gate. 'honey, we've got a situation and i'm telling you right here and now that it will make it way worse if you lose your temper. i've got a plan for moving forward and you are going to sit with me and listen to it and work it through with me before you take one step out of this room. are you hearing me?'
a frothing daddy dearest will not help matters.
talking to the boy is good too. his parents? hard to say. depends on your relationship with them and their attitude toward it. i probably would not unless they were friends.
i get you being shocked and upset. it's perfectly understandable. now take yourself in hand and remember you are dealing with a young woman who is an adult in training. you can't treat her like a naughty little girl, even if some of this behavior does indeed stem from naughtiness and immaturity. it's time to jolt HER into thinking like an adult, and that means treating her- with caveats- like one.
khairete
S.

Actually, I think this is a good thing--though that may sound like a bizarre comment. Somewhere in the incident, she told you something important about her life: she is having sex. She probably has questions about sex, relationships, pregnancy risks, and to date, she hasn't been able to talk to anyone about them.

I would take her to her doctor immediately for birth control. She may or may not chose to have sex in the future, but she needs to know how to be responsible for the consequences of sex.

How are her grades? Does she have more in her life other than the boyfriend? Does she have female friends? If she's a good kid, who did a stupid thing, I'd focus on that. If this is part of a larger series of issues, I'd address that with some therapy.

I think you tell Dad when you two have some private time and he will have some time to digest it before seeing your daughter. This is hard, but I think most reasonable people will understand that it is totally normal that nearly all teens are going to grow up and eventually develop relationships close enough that involve sexual activity. Some sooner, some later. Yes, we hope for later. But that isn't always reality. Tell Dad you are going to take her to the her doctor right away for an exam, std testing, planning for birth control, etc.

No, I would not talk to the boy's parents. You need to focus on your own daughter and your relationship and connection with her. You don't say how you "discovered" this. It sounds like the that fact that you came across some private information is going to come as shock to her. You're reeling, understandably, but you need to try to separate this from her other recent misbehaviors and unload all that frustration on her. I would tell her that you're not angry with her (even if you are a hot mess of emotions inside). Expect that she will be angry with you. She may need some time to work through her shame and embarrassment and digest that you found this out before she is ready to jump into talking about going to the doctor for birth control, etc.

Someone mentioned "getting her on the pill" While that may be a great option for many people, it's not the best for everyone. Don't rule out other methods, such as an IUD. There are a lot of pros/cons to consider and without knowing your DD, no one else can say what method is best for her.

I would not give consequences for sexual activity, though I would highly discourage it at this young of an age. She has consequences for the drinking, which is clearly illegal and against the rules. I would give consequences for other rule breaking, such as having him over with no parents home (if that's a rule in your house) and also no sexual activity in your home or his because it's simply disrespectful to the families. You won't be able to stop them from having sex if they are determined to, but you CAN draw up your boundaries, demonstrate your values, and not make it easy for them.

Tell dad, the same way you (I assume) told dad when she got her period etc. You are both in it together as parents.

For the boyfriend - the holidays are coming up. I would suggest you could give him a box of condoms for Christmas (tape a candy cane to it or something, to make it festive).

For your daughter - talk about birth control. Don't force pills down her throat, discuss options and tell her that she needs to choose one.

lots of talking going on but is anyone listening?

I wouldn't continue to barrage the boyfriend and his parents.. that's for his parents to handle at this point.

Teens have sex, and I would take her to have an exam with a gynecologist, and put on birth control. She can not rely on her boyfriend to bring condoms, and she needs to take responsibility if she is going to have sex.

Teens also drink and smoke at some point. It sounds to me as though your daughter doesn't feel comfortable coming to you and your husband. Hiding is a form of insecurity and suggests that their isn't a close enough relationship with parents to be open and honest with them.

Her feelings and thoughts need room to be expressed, and she needs to feel safe in talking about them. It is good that she did disclose that she is having sex, but how things are handled at this point will determine how the relationship goes from here on out.

I agree about finding a part time job somewhere. This may help solve issues of too much time on her hands, but also build important skills for future. Showing she can be responsible, and also will build self confidence..

You don't say how you found out that she has been sexually active, but you say she didn't tell you. Did the boyfriend tell you? If so, he has probably told her that he told you (or let it slip, or whatever the sequence of events was). If you "found out" through someone else, then you must verify that it is true. I'm sure it's likely, but the worst thing would be to make a big assumption and convince your daughter that her decision to exclude you from major life decisions was a good one.

So, yes, she needs to go to a gynecologist, but it probably shouldn't be your doctor. She should have her own, and it should be someone skilled in dealing with teens. If you have a Planned Parenthood near you, go there - she'll get counseling as well as medical care.

But you also need to have a good self-analysis of you, and your husband, and assess where you are with your open conversations with your daughter about all these issues. Have you had multiple talks over the years about health care and self-respect and prevention (not just of pregnancy and STIs, but of alcohol poisoning and riding in cars with someone who has been drinking)? Did she take a class at school, or did you (as some parents do) sign an exemption form so she didn't have to attend? Did you just preach abstinence or did you base your discussions on the reality? Why is it that even you are uneasy about telling your husband, and does that have an impact on your daughter's decisions to not talk to either one of you? I'd say you need to deal with all these questions before you even consider talking to the boy's parents. You and your husband aren't on the same page with each other, and you don't have a game plan. Your responsibility is your daughter. You don't go off and talk to the boy's parents (which isn't really your business anyway) before your whole family is settled on a direction and a plan. Besides, your daughter needs this information no matter who she is dating - this has to be worked out with her alone.

Start there. Don't be afraid to work with a Planned Parenthood counselor yourself for parent education, to make sure your info on birth control is up to date and factual (like knowing that condoms are NOT all that effective in protecting against pregnancy, especially if boys don't know how to use them!). And your daughter needs to know the right way to put on a condom so she doesn't listen to some guy who puts it on too tight (with no room for the ejaculate to collect without bursting the condom) or who convinces her it doesn't feel as nice! If none of you has put a condom on a banana, then your education is lacking. And counselors can help parents deal with the shock of a sexually active teen, as well as educate everyone about disease prevention. But make these sessions separate from the ones your daughter attends - she absolutely needs privacy with a doctor as well as a counselor.

I think the best way to proceed with any teen without driving her away and into the arms of a guy who sympathizes that "my parents aren't reasonable" (even if you are, it's a common teen viewpoint) is to take more time and admit that you and your husband could have handled it better than you did. That spreads out the "blame" and the responsibility, and starts to set the stage for a relationship where a teen trusts parents.

Also look into parent-teen contracts - there are many on line - they often relate to what a parent will do if a kid calls and says "I'm in an uncomfortable situation" or "I've had too much to drink." Many also set up a code word or phrase that a kid can use to blame her parents in front of her friends, rather than tell them that they are behaving like jerks or she's scared. If a kid can say, "Oh, man, my horrible parents are demanding that I come home right now. I can't believe how awful they are," it lets her leave and still save face. I was also happy to be "the bad guy" to get my son home safely. There are good suggestions in many of these contracts that may also give you a basis for discussing this whole matter with your daughter.

I would not talk to the boy's parents - but it would be good if the boy did. I would give DD the opportunity to tell her father before I did. Of course you need to take her to an ob/gyn and she needs to be on birth control (long acting is probably a better option than the pill for kids who may not remember every day). She should know that hormonal birth control does NOT protect against STDs - only condoms do. She also needs to have a discussion about her views on abortion/adoption/unwanted pregnancy with her boyfriend. She needs to know what her views on unwanted pregnancy are if she has not thought this through. LOTS of kids have sex in high school and while not ideal, most of them go on to have perfectly normal lives with healthy relationships and (if they want them) children. NOT the case for kids who have children while in high school and she needs to know that. While this is clearly a shock - it should be an opportunity for future conversations, not an end to communication.

have you asked her why she was drinking? Is this the first time she's done this or has it happened before?

How did you find out she's having sex? Did she tell you or did you find out some other way?

Yes. You need to take her in to an OB/GYN and have her tested for STDs and get her on birth control. I don't understand why you haven't talked to her about sex before this. Is she mature enough to be having sex? It truly doesn't sound like it.

Does her dad need to know? Yes. He doesn't need the gory details, but he needs to be prepared should she come home pregnant one day.

this is sad that you are shocked. it tells me you thought your little girl was an angel and you didn't need to pay more attention to her. Guess she needs more attention, right?

If she's old enough for sex then she's old enough to work.
That will take care of some of the free time she has to be getting herself into trouble.
"You're in such a hurry to be an adult? Fine. Adults work. Start applying now.".
A part time job is nothing compared to the time and money she'd be putting in if she got pregnant and has a baby.

As for the boyfriend - I might ask him point blank "When's the wedding? And what's your plan to support your wife and kids?".
Threats won't scare a guy off, yelling won't do it either but asking for a commitment and/or informing him of his being responsible and financially liable - it tends to scare them off into their 30s.

Besides talking to her about all these things and taking her to the gynecologist...make sure she understands about pregnancy, how difficult it is to be a parent, std's etc. I would definitely talk to the boy's parents and tell them. I have a son and I would definitely want to know. She needs to be on birth control. And I agree to make her get a part time job after school. Also, I would have her start volunteering somewhere as well. Besides this I would spend much more time with her. Pick her up from school, pick her up from her job, do things just the two of you that she enjoys, talk and try to be close to her. Talk to her about her goals in life. I think you tell your husband simply by stating what you know and then telling him what your plan is so far. She is what...two years from heading off to college? Now is the time to be talking about that, looking into schools, taking road trips to visit different colleges, etc. It's not too long from now that she will be gone and will be able to drink alcohol and have sex with her boyfriend whenever she wants. So focus on teaching her with a focus on soon she will take responsibility for herself and she needs to make good choices.

Don't worry. Relax and try talking to her.

I would absolutely visit with the other parents. They need to know what is going on so they can talk to their son. IF they are going to continue seeing each other, and they will sneak around behind everyone's backs, they will rebel in bigger ways to show you, and his parents, that they are old enough to do this.

I suggest you do the birth control sooner rather than later for sure. I would limit their activities for a while so they can build trust again. They will be out on their own in a few months so they do need to move forward as young adults.

Giving them private time isn't a horrible thing. They could have kept it a secret until she became pregnant. I think you have to be very open minded about this and help them learn and grow.