Mutually Courteous Relationship Q?

Let me speak from the other side...
I LOVE my friends and family, but I am one of the WORST when it comes to remembering birthdays! It isn't because I don't care. It is just one of my flaws.
People are so busy these days, and some are probably like me-they hate the telephone.
If they are people that you feel are genuine friends (and family), please forgive them and continue to do it if it's something you enjoy and are good at.
I am thankful for my friends and family that know I love them, but am horrible about keeping in touch and remembering special dates.

If I liked the person and remembered it was their birthday, I would call. If they didn't remember my birthday, no worries. I don't wish people well just because I want them to remember to wish me well.

Here's the deal with real friendships: They are NEVER 50-50.

Think about all the things that have happened in your life. Sometimes there are crises. Sometimes life is grand...you have all the time in the world. Sometimes you hurt someone else, and sometimes you get hurt.

Your friends go through these things too. And during all this, you might find that sometimes you could give 90% of your attention and time, and sometimes you can barely give 10%.

This is when we find out who our real friends are. The ones who stick around...giving 90% to the relationship...carrying you while you can barely give 10%...THEY are your real friends.

But you can't b*tch when the tables are turned...when THEY can only give 10% and NEED your 90%.

So give your friends the benefit of the doubt. Life might be kicking thier butt at the moment. They might need your 90%.

Friendships where you keep score are not healthy. Some people are not birthday people. I don't think of my birthday as "my special day." Or maybe I did when I was 5, but I'm a grown up now and the world isn't all about me. I have friends who I have known for 20 years and I don't know when their birthdays are, nor to I expect them to know mine or call me. If I know someone's birthday (and thank you FB for this feature!) I'll try to send a text or post on his or her wall but it's hardly top of mind.

I think that if someone is upset about this, he or she is being petty and needs to put life in perspective.

I look at it like this.....I don't do or say nice things to people just to get them to do the same for me. You should do what is on your heart without expectation. You never know how much a kind word or thought might mean to someone and it could open the door to a whole different relationship!

I wouldn't feel right if I KNEW it was a friend or family member's birthday and I did NOT call, say, email, or text birthday wishes.
Some people are just not good at that.

I'm with Denise on this one. If I know it's someone's birthday (with FB it's hard NOT to), then I will call, email, text, message. I don't expect a birthday wish in return. It's nice, but not getting one doesn't keep me from wishing them a nice year!

.

If I knew it was their day and knew them pretty well, I would probably call them.

As for me, I could care less if someone calls me. I don't like the attention.

I don't get into reciprocation that much either... when I do something nice for someone, I don't do it with expectations of them doing something nice for me.

Depends on just how one-sided it is. Does this friend/family member meet your social or emotional needs in other ways?

We don't all have the same "need" to be remembered on our special days, and some of us (I'm one of these) have poor working relationships with calendars. So I forget birthdays all the time, but I do find many ways to let my friends know I care about them.

This is just me, but to me, birthdays are goofy and contrived observances. Some happy cultures never observe them.

Since the Golden Rule suggests that we treat others the way we would like to be treated ourselves, then by all means, if birthdays are important to you, keep putting that out there. But realize that others, equally dedicated to the Golden Rule, will have other priorities, and will be extending those to you. You might not be noticing what's important to them, either!

Strange. Of course I'd call those that I'm close with to wish them a happy whatever day......if not cards and a gift as well. Some of my friends don't have the money to send me a gift, and I wouldn't think anything of it at all. All but 2 of my friends / family work full time, have kids and/or husbands to chase after, etc.....so I wouldn't get offended about not getting a call from them. HOWEVER it's easier to deal with maybe, because on facebook everyone sees it's my birthday that day and I'll get a hundred or so "happy birthday" notes--most just one or two lines, but that's all that's needed. I wouldn't notice otherwise.
That said, I was COMPLETELY infuriated with my dad and grandma when they threw __ fest (my kid sister's name + fest) and threw her a CARNIVAL. Yes, a CARNIVAL, and called to tell me all about it and how much they spent, but didn't acknowledge my son's birthday AT ALL (no card, no phone call, nothing). She had pony rides, a magician / balloon artist / clown, a couple dorks dressed like princesses to pass out cotton candy and trinkets and hung out by the ponies, cotton candy machine, a petting zoo, someone came and did balloon tricks, there were a couple bounce houses, dad made burgers and hotdogs for like 40 kids PLUS parents and neighbors, etc, etc. We got to hear all about it, and how much grandma spent on clothes for her. (This was her 6th birthday, because she said she'd like a carnival). Annoys me just thinking about it. But my son didn't get a phone call (nor did I; our birthdays are 3 days apart)......that made me mad. That, and the time that I was apalled to see all the JUNK in her TWO playrooms totally uncared for, not played with, strewn around everywhere, and I said "You know, you could totally donate these things you've outgrown somewhere---there are a lot of children who don't have many toys at all", and she laughed and sneered "Yeah----that's not gonna happen". My skin crawled. That is not how my mom raised my brother and I and it grossed me out.....those 2 events led me to solemnly swear I would NEVER give her a toy for ANY occasion ever. She gets homemade cards from the boys, a picture of them, and a book for all holidays, lol. I don't care. So yeah....I hold grudges. But not for busy people who just forget. Just for dad and his kid.

If I remembered their birthday, I would call. I do have people who don't acknowledge my birthday and so if I forget to call those people on their birthday I don't worry about it, but if I remember, I usually call or send a card. It does, though, kind of hurt my feelings when my day comes around and those I made a point to call or send a card doesn't do the same. I try not to take it personally and usually only think about it when my day rolls around.

Do it because you want to. Never expect anything in return.

Every personality handles these specail times differently. With facebook I say happy brithday to EVERYONE on there. With brothers, sister-in-laws and parents we usually go out since we all live in the area, and if not around I make sure to call. All close friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents I try to send out a card but sometimes it is an e-card.

If you feel like you want to stop then do so because it seems you may resent them for not reciprocating. That will just damage the relationship more.

Yes. I would stop acknowledging if they never struck an interest with me or my birthday. I might still post something on FB or something, but I wouldn't call anymore.

M

I am a huge card sender. I try to send cards for everybodies special occasions. However, I decided last year to stop doing this for those who forget my bday. It does add up. I now just send a Happy Birthday email. Then I cant get too upset when it is not returned. I dont mind sending an email to acknowledge them.

I am a woman who doesn't even think of birthdays unless it is a child's.
It would not occur to me to call unless you told me it mattered to you and then I would write it on the calendar every year and hope to remember.

Sometimes relationships will be one sided like that. I just stick with it and I am who I am and do the extras for people. However, I do not let myself to be taken advantaged of. :)

I do the same as Leah. I like acknowledging peoples birthdays, and special occasions. I send cards, but now a lot are emails. I don't get cards for mine, but it doesn't bother me, I get a good feeling sending warm wishes!!

Absolutely, I call when I remember! As a matter of fact I call them to remind them it is my birthday. Not because I want any recognition or wishes. Believe me at 42 I wish I could just skip the day but I know many of my friends and family members would feel really bad and guilty if/when they forget so I just remind them:).
If I really felt they didn't care my opinion might be different but I try to give people te benefit of the doubt and a lot of people just simply forget.