Inlaws Hurt My feelings...again...

The way I see it. You have set yourself up for disappointment. You admitted they didn't acknowledge your birthday last year yet you expected them to do it this year. That's a set up. Did you let them know how you feel or what you expect? If you didn't then you can't expect them to read your mind and fulfill your wishes. Did your husband let them know just how much you would have wanted them to acknowledge your birthday? If you haven't then you have set yourself up for disappointment.

If you have and then they still don't recognize you, then don't sweat it. Manage your expectations. Card sending seems to be your thing but not theirs. You may need to get your card fix from other people. They may never comply with what you want and how you choose to respond it totally up to you but stop setting yourself up for disappointment when they are only being themselves.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. Don't be sad and stop setting yourself up for disappointment. The only person you can change is you. I really hope this helps.

I agree with Grandma T. Some people remember birthdays and others do not. I never get a happy birthday from my in-laws. I have to remind my husband when his parents and siblings birthdays come up. Thank goodness for Facebook to help me remember! The thought is never returned, but I am ok with it. It is just the way they are. Even at the holidays, they only give gifts for the kids, but my family was never that way. So we celebrate their way when with them and then celebrate my way when we are with my family. Try not to let it bother you. Unless they are complete morons, I doubt they would deliberately do that to you.
A.

MommyOf2 is right. If its just your special days they are forgetting, then you are better off "forgetting" theirs too ;).

Some people just don't send out cards. My ex in laws were big on cards. I used to think it was funny when they would bad mouth me about not doing the same. When I had finally had enough I pointed out that it is THEIR family tradition, not mine.

You need to accept that this is your tradition, not theirs. They don't mean anything bad by not sending you a card. You are attributing why you wouldn't send one to why they aren't sending one, so not fair on either of you.

Okay on the what happened: I sent out cards when I was harassed into it. I figured if it means so much to them....thing is it isn't my tradition so it doesn't mean enough for me to really work hard at remembering. I always sent cards to my nieces and nephews because I knew his family would be like well J. doesn't love you instead of J. has different traditions. Just wasn't worth it to put kids through that, ya know? So every year I would buy the cards, put the obligatory dollar in it, address it, stamp it and put them in with the bills with a sticky note with the date to mail on it. Don't my feelings of love and attention to detail come through in that recount of the situation?

Let it go.....

Some people just arent card senders, I'm one of them. Last year I didnt know it was my DILs birthday until everyone on FB was wishing her happy bday. So, I just chimed in with mine as well. Both my sons know I know when their birthday is but if I even send a card it's always late. I love getting cards, but I'm not one to send, maybe that's the way they are. It's not on purpose to spite you I'm sure. I send my MIL a birthday card for my husband because he forgets as well, she's never sent me one and it doesnt bother me a bit.

2 years in a row... did they forget to send a card for your husband's birthday or your children's birthdays? If they only forgot your birthday - I'd stop reminding hubby about the special dates and stop getting them cards too.

If you don't want to go to the 65th bash, don't go. It sounds like there would be travel involved and in looking at a few of your other answers it looks like you're a FT working mom. You're busy and you need your own time and time with your own family, on top of that, they didn't even acknowledge your birthday....so don't go to his if you don't feel like it. And also, not to go off on a tangent but I don't understand why she is pressuring you about instead it of your husband. He is their son, he should be their communication point for your family and also, he should be the one in charge of commemorating their birthdays, anniversaries etc. And if he doesn't do that, he doesn't. That's how it works in my house, I am a busy FT working mom and sorry, I don't have the time to be in charge of not only our relationship with my parents, but his as well. Sorry! He managed his relationship with them before we married and he can continue to do it now as well. I'm tired of this double standard that it is the DIL's responsibility, meanwhile, let me guess, I doubt YOUR parents would expect him to send them cards, or corner him to put the pressure on about visits, or heck even expect him to talk or email with them one on one at all. Sorry for the rant but as I said I'm tired of the double standard....if I were you I would quit troubling yourself with sending them cards as they obviously aren't going to the same trouble for you.

At first I was thinking of ways to remind them, or forget their birthdays or whatever. But then Grandma T got me thinking "maybe it's not personal" and then I started thinking "is this a battle I'd want to start?" Having dealt with a lot of death/suicides lately, and some health and financial issues, I've started to prioritize what to fret about. So maybe consider this in a bigger picture way -- does it really matter? Do you get other birthday wishes? Do your parents remember? Does your husband? Maybe if you just know they won't remember, you won't be surprised when they don't and just accept it's not going to happen.

Granted, I'm all for "forgetting" to remind your husband -- let him remember, and if they call you, just say "oh, husband must have forgotten" and don't take the blame yourself. I just think you shouldn't expect miracles. And accept some people are better at remembering these things than others.

Happy late birthday!!!!!!!!

How rude are these people? Or just unorganized? I ve made an excell sheet for each household on my husband family side with all of our bdays even anniversaries :) to post on their fridge. It always works to a better person, always remember their special events but don't go all the way. Put the money towards your family and your kids. Have your kids to make drawings or art inside the cards as gifts.

Different families have different norms with regards to special day recognition, with regard to EVERYTHING really.

I don't even send my OWN family bday cards, sometimes I call, text, FB, but I can't remember the last time I sent a card in the mail. THIS is the norm for my family. We are actually very close, but we're not all about hoopla for bdays and holidays.

Neither you nor your in laws are WRONG, just different. What's the point in expecting them to be like you?

:)

T., some families make birthdays special and some families don't. Birthdays were always special in my family. I got a card and check from my mom on my 48th birthday (She died 2 days later. Quack gave her the wrong dosage.)

My wife and I made our kids birthdays special. My wife's family didn't do much of anything. One of my sons married a girl that never had any birthday wishes until she became part of our family. When it was her birthday, my family happened to be together and we called her on the phone and go her voice mail. I led the family in singing "Happy Birthday" to her into the answering machine. She called us a few minutes later in tears (happy tears) because no one had ever done anything like that to/for her.

If your in-laws have never made birthdays special, they won't know to make your birthday special. Ask your husband. If he never had a birthday celebration, and your in-laws never celebrated an anniversary, you know what to expect.

Good luck to you and yours.

well all I can say is that some people put more emphasis on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. than others. Obviously you are the type that always remembers these special dates but you need to realize that some people just do not keep up with that stuff as well. Also it might be an age factor or generational thing. I know with my Grandmother if she sends you a card and she doesn't get a phone call to say thank you -you end up on the poo poo list. Perhaps somehow someway you ended up on their poo poo list?? I believe people should thank the person for taking the time to recognize them on their birthday but at the same time if they don't I'm not going to place them on a list to only say the following year they won't get anything-and she has done it too! lol! Not to me because I always make it a point to call and thank her-regardless. She sure has with some of my cousins though and I just laugh about it because I think it is childish but she has ALWAYS been this way-always. I think my feelings would have been hurt too if they had always taken the time before but then all of a sudden stopped??!!! My grandmother will also say things like "Well I think I am going to cut the budget next year" (she never does but she says it) maybe with the economy they were trying to cut back on expenses and this happened to be one of them?? It's hard to determine the "whys" if it bothers you that much I would just ask them otherwise just forget about it and move on. To me I could care less about cards and flowers. Flowers die and cards end up in the trash after a week or so of me getting tired of it junking up my countertop. I know some people would gasp at that but you have to understand that my mom always left those sort of things laying around everywhere and it was my chore to clean up and I always ended up having these stacks of cards on top of all of her nik naks-I can't stand nik naks. They are just dust collectors. I appreciate the gesture but a phone call or just telling me happy birthday is sufficient enough-don't spend your money on something that is going to die or just get thrown into the trash....if you feel the need to buy me something then buy something that won't end up in the trash like maybe a tube of chapstick or some body lotion or anything that isn't much more than the cost of a card....at least that wouldn't sit around my house only to end up in the trash........

Yes, some people are like that. They remember their events but they don't remember yours (or mine). There are others who just aren't communicators, by nature or by choice. You can't change that. The only person you can change in this scenario is - well, you know.

So. Decide this: are you giving your in-laws these cards and calls because you wish them well, or because if you send them something you ought to get something back? If this is a score-keeping deal, I'm afraid you're always going to be on the low end, so you will need to decide whether to ignore your in-laws instead.

If you don't really want to ignore them, then be unilateral. Send them the cards and make the calls at the right times, and expect nothing in return. That way you won't be upset, because you weren't looking for payback anyhow. Happily, you don't need cards and stuff to know that you're a valuable person. You *know* you're not invisible!

In our family, my MIL is good at sending birthday cards, but we need to watch for them because she gets upset if she isn't thanked right away. This year she was getting really miffed at our (grown) daughter for not acknowledging her card and check - until it was returned to her six weeks later; she had addressed the envelope incorrectly. (I'm almost giggling as I write it.) We can't change her; she's old (high 80s) and set in her ways.

There's somebody in every family who has to keep track of all the events. In my house, I'm the one. Earlier this week I mentioned to my husband that it was one of our granddaughters' birthdays that day, and he said (are you ready for this memorable response?), "Huh?" For what it's worth, when we married I decided that we would remember ALL the relatives we knew of at Christmas every year. Most of those relatives are gone now, and we never heard anything, ever, from most of them. But I'm not sorry I did it. At the very least I set an example for my children. Maybe your kids are learning something good from you.

P.S. Happy birthday!

Some people don't acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries, and that's what I was thinking until I got to the sentence about MIL making a big deal out of FIL's birthday. So, they are users. And your husband is part of this - perhaps because he was raised that way - because he doesn't keep track of his own family's occasions. I would dump that on him starting today.

I think it wouldn't hurt to say to your MIL, "Oh, are we going to start observing everyone's birthdays now? That would be great! I know I always take the time to remember everyone's special days, but I didn't think that was your family's tradition. I look forward to getting a birthday card from you!" Or you can tell her how hurt you feel when you are ignored and you don't want to do that to FIL. If your relationship isn't always that good, then you have to figure out why. Also, have you been trying to earn their respect and love by going overboard on all the gifts & cards? I don't blame you if that's the case, but maybe it's not working and they just aren't that kind of people.

And no one can make you feel guilty without your permission and participation. Don't take this on your shoulders. This is your husband's job and his family, and it's up to him to make sure they respect you and include you. If they don't, you can back off trying to endear yourself to them.

don't remind your husband of their birthday/anniversary or any memorable moment that they would expect him to remember and see if they call to ask what happen...then say, "oh, I forgot to send the cards this year"...

Don't allow someone else to dictate your happiness, especially on your birthday...if you go with the mind that you don't expect them to send/call you, then you will find peace with how they are...

Just my opinions...

You are a good wife and DIL. I don't even remember my anniversary half the time.

Ask your MIL how important remembering specials days are to her. If she answers "alot" then remind her your bday just passed and noone remembered. Tell her you it would have been nice to get a phone call or card. So b/c of that, you are a little confused how much emphasis and attention she wants you to have for special days.

You might be at risk, though, looking like you want attention for yourself or having apity party. But I think if you gently convey the msg that you like to remember special days but are getting the vibe to not b/c noone remembers yours, she might come around.

Happy belated bday to you!

Some people just do not think of others' birthdays, or simply don't send cards - I personally am a card-sender & have EVERYONE's bdays & anniversaries listed, even though I rarely get cards from others. Don't let your feelings be hurt. I'm sure if it was on their calendar, they'd have at least called you. For Christmas, get them a calendar & list everyone's bdays on it for them "to make it easier". I've done that for years, & can usually count on at least a phone call.

I'm getting caught up from the long weekend so I know this is a late response. I feel bad for you. And for them to do something up until 2 years ago is a little suspicious that something must have happened to make them just stop doing anything at all. If it were me I would talk to my husband. Tell him they missed your bday again and that MIL is pressuring you to go to FIL's bday and that frankly, you just don't feel like going. Maybe you can say you are going to tell them that your bff is going to take you out for YOUR bday that weekend and you're sorry to miss it but you already had these plans made. Tell hubby to take the kids and go by himself and make plans with your friend. This way they "remember" that they missed your bday and you don't have to go and have bad feelings the whole time. For whatever reason, don't ever feel obligated to do anything you don't want to. And from now on, skip the gifts for them and just send a card. Start to cut back on whatever you do, even limit the time you visit with them. Good luck!!!

You are totally OK to feel hurt! My MIL forgets her own son's birthday. And he's the only child!! And of course, she forgets mine and my kids. Every year she says "why didn't you tell me?" We tell her EVERY year but she forgets because she's more interested in her friends. It's sad but true. My husband even thinks so. We always get our Christmas present late, too. Both my in-laws are working and are with it people. I guess if I was you I would tell your in-laws you are hurt. If it happens next year I wouldn't send them anymore cards to them. They might get the picture. Stand your ground because it's important to you and me.

My in-laws do this to me every year, always have and I've been married to my DH for 10 years, and it still hurts my feelings. You have every right to feel hurt. Talk to your husband about it and have him causually mention it to his parents. As for the guilt trip about visiting, if you can't go, then tell her "I'm sorry, but we just can't make it this year. DH is taking me out as a belated birthday gift." Or something along those lines. Sorry I can't be of more help, I hope it gets better.

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You're not being irrational, but really... this isn't something to worry about. You are the type of person who sends cards. You probably write thank you notes too. Your ILs are obviously not the type of people who send cards to everyone every year. Maybe their son and grandkids, but not you. It does suck to be a second class citizen to ILs, but a lot of time that's what happens. It doesn't mean they don't like you, it just means they're not making the extra effort for you. I know you'd like it differently, but don't let this get you down. And if you don't want to go to your FILs celebration - then don't. Just firmly tell your ILs that you already have plans.