Mothers of Adult Sons - Do They Communicate with You?

My son is 5 and I'm already worried about this. My plan is to establish a monthly mother/son "date" well before he reaches the age of majority. The "date" can be anything from breakfast/coffee to a zombie movie. I want it to be alone time with me and him so that we can communicate openly. If it is an established routine then his gf/wife won't be able to complain about it.

I think those of us who had difficult upbringings tend to think that because we have given our kids so much more than we had (stability, consistency, discipline, understanding, etc.) that our kids will somehow always be closer to us than we were/are to our own parents. But the truth is, kids grow up, they move on, they make their own families and live their own lives, that's just how it is, and how it should be.

I've been preparing myself for this over the past year or so. My son and I are very close (usually text and/or skype about once a week) but he has just finished his first year of college and now he has his first real girlfriend. I can see him flying further and further from the nest. Sure he still loops back from time to time (spring and summer breaks of course) but I know once he graduates, and later marries, things will change.

All I can hope is that when he DOES start his own family he doesn't move so far away that I can only see them a few times a year, but (gulp) it could happen.

So don't have hurt feelings, you have done a good job, and sadly that job is pretty much over now. I'm sure he loves you and he always will, but he is doing what young men do, he's moving on. If you are lucky you will get to be a grandma and think about how fun that will be!

It could be worse - he could be living in your basement playing video games all day. :P

As the mom of two sons (one who just turned 18), I have the same concerns (will they stay in touch?). That being said, the goal is for them to spread their wings. And most guys are not like girls. They don't *need* to talk to feel or show love.

I'm going to re-read your post when I feel like I can't fix another meal or wash another load of clothes for my sons. :P

Mostly I talk to their girlfriends. That's how I get info anyway.

Oldest is almost 20, starts his 3rd year at college in Sept.

Next is almost 18, goes away to college in August.

Me: James, so you working at CVS again this summer?

James: Uh, dunno yet

Me: Well have you applied at other places?

James: Sorta

Me: What do you mean, "sorta"?

James: Dunno (walks away)

Me:Dan, have you finished your housing survey yet?

Dan: Uh, almost.

Me: What do you mean, "almost".

Dan: Well I started it but it's not done yet.

Me: Well, when are you going to finish it?

Dan: Uh, dunno.

However, their GFS seem to know more about my son's lives than my son's themselves. So that's where I get the pertinent info.

I find out A LOT by eavesdropping while they're talking to EACH OTHER, or a friend.

Otherwise, I just keep on them. Keep trying. Easier for me since both of them are still home during breaks.

Dunno what'll be like when they graduate college and take jobs.

My daughter, 15, never shuts up. I know every little detail of everyday of her life. She texts me while she's at school with a pix of a teacher's shoes or a test grade or some kid in the lunch room.

The boys still kiss me and say "I love you". But they don't tell me much.

Sigh.

:(

I think they are Very busy with school or work and friends. My son (23) is great about birthdays, mother's day, valentine's day. He's not great at frequent keeping in touch. My daughter (20) is sometimes worse. Does your son remember special days, or need to be reminded? Do you invite him for dinner, or try to work around his schedule?
Some day the friends will be busy with their own spouses and children and he will come to see family is more important. Once your son has his own kids he will be very busy BUT he will finally understand what it means to be a parent. I was too busy for my parents when I was 20 but they were there when I needed them and became much closer as I grew older.

They communicate some. Sometimes it goes in spurts on for a few months and then off for several. Young men are out discovering the world and what it has to offer.

Moms are moms and will "always" be there for them. As for the closeness it could or could not be when he has his children. It depends on how he parents his child(ren). If he is the nurturing type he will call you more. Just don't put demands on him to do this daily or weekly because it won't happen.
There are times I wish mine would call more but he doesn't. Also be prepared for him to say he will call and he doesn't because he gets busy with his life.

Know in your heart that he does love you and cares for you. Once he gets married his wife will be first and you will be second and you two will have to work out how you fit into his new life.

Just know that youo have done your best to raise a caring man.

The other S.

PS My son will be 39 this September.

I am a son.

Hard for me to say, as I was drunk during almost two decades of my life - but I would let it slide.

In my 30s I had a new appreciation for my mom. Nothing personal - but I couldn't see the world past my own nose in my 20s.

My boys (both grown) talk to me more when they don't have a woman in their lives. My older son (now in a serious relationship) talks to me when I call, and calls once in awhile for a short talk or to ask for a recipe or something. My younger son (not in a relationship) tells me every thought in his head every day. When he had a serious girlfriend he talked to me mostly if there was trouble between them or he needed gift giving advice.

There will be ebb and flow. I've learned to treasure it when it's there, and to try not to be offended or hurt when it's not. But I do get lonely for my boys. I'm told it's normal. I"m not sure I'm suited for normal.

Haven't you ever heard that, "A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

It is very normal. And if it makes you feel any better, my son will be 22 this summer, is NOT engaged, but I still wish I would hear from him more often. Yet, when I do hear from him, it's like someone else said, he's looking for a free meal, to borrow the car (which always has a full tank) or just a good TV with access to Netflix! I'll take what I can get and know my husband is a great role model in staying in contact with both of our mothers.

I am very lucky, even though my son was 6 hours away at college he called me almost every night...well except Saturday lol. My DD sleeps away from the house and the first thing she does when she wakes up is text me.

We are a very close knit family, my son's girlfriend knows this and respects it. We are also a large family. Eight kids and two adults. I think that does play a role in it.

He calls when he wants food.

He texts when he doesn't have the insurance money yet.

You don't get your feelings hurt by remembering the goal was for him to grow up and his lack of communication has nothing to do with the love he has for you.

I don't have an adult/grown son. Mine is only 13. But I think it is fair to say that it is normal for them to be more out of contact at that age. I'd go so far as to say that it might stay pretty aloof, until he has kids or at least a very steady girlfriend/fiancee.

When he becomes more family oriented (stable relationship, kids, etc) then that will include you. Sometimes, when a sibling gets married/has kids, it can prompt the remaining sibs to sort of gather back in a little also.
A lot may depend on proximity.

I live 5 hours from my folks, and we don't talk that much. Probably not as much as we should. A couple times a month, or on FB. When I was in my young 20's it was about the same or less. But when I was stabilized in a relationship with my now husband, I called more frequently. I don't think that men are all that different than women when it comes to that.. maybe a matter of degree... but still. They will be out living life, and then they will come back in closer again. That's why my brothers did.
And then there are periods where the pendulum swings back the other way again--when DIL/MIL have some issues to work out (not necessarily anything major, just figuring things out)...
It's all cyclical. In my opinion.

I did not come from a broken or dysfunctional home life (many people thought my parents names were June and Ward). And I think that having a normal close relationship just makes you more secure. So that you don't worry about being out of touch. It isn't an intentional thing. You just take for granted that they will always be there, ya know? Because they always have been.

My kids are quite a way from being adults, but I think this is a common thing.
An older lady told me "Your son is your son until he finds him a wife. Your daughter is your daughter for all of her life". This was during a Women's Bible study. The older and elderly women seemed to unanimously agree that the sons get caught up in their own lives and forget to make/take time for mom while the daughters seldom, if ever, do that.

I am hoping my son never gets to that phase, but I saw it happen with my own husband even though he loves his mom dearly. I don't think you can really avoid the hurt from this. Just send him a text or give him a call or leave him a vm saying you are thinking of him. Do that with without the expectation of an immediate reply.
Hopefully it won't take your son *years* to get out of the phase. I can just imagine how heartsick this must make you. Hugs and best wishes.

I can tell you that we live close to my future MIL (10 min close) and although they see eachother often most of the communicating is done thru me. Now, her older son likes all the attention and is very much a "mamma's boy" and tells her everything to the point where she had to tell him to STOP telling her so much. I really think it depends on the person. We do not need our parents (my fiance and I) to tell us what to do anylonger, we conversate with them like adults or friends and inform them of our lives because we choose to. I hope this gives you some insight, and to be honest if you want to know what is going on with them and be a part of their lives still, be a GOOD MIL and get along with the girl and do not be too nosey and do not offer your 2cents unless they come to you for advice. Allow them to vent to you with out telling them how they should do it, be the example you need to be for them to see how adult relationships (romantic and otherwise) work in real life. I am quite confident that if you give him the space needed he will come back to you.

You have to choose for yourself whether you want your feelings hurt or not. Nobody can hurt your feelings without your consent.

Maybe you can look at it this way: Grown sons typically call their mothers when they need something. If your son isn't calling you, he's being self-sufficient. That means you've been a good mama. Pat yourself on the back.

Since you can't force a child to communicate, you may need to look on this as a fact of life that you just acknowledge, rather than as a problem that you need to fix.

Once he has a wife and children, it may be different. Not all young wives are like this, I imagine, but my daughters-in-law communicate with me *lots* more than their husbands do! I don't demand much of them, and I try not to "interfere." But I'm in touch with the families, and that's what counts.

Meanwhile, don't let this act as a roadblock in your own life. Enjoy every day you have with the friends and the interests you love!

My oldest son - just turned 12 - **THINKS** he is an adult....LOL!!

We do talk - especially since he's interested in girls and wants to know what to get them...blah blah blah!! LOL!!! :)

My sister has two grown boys - they have a VERY close relationship. One just got engaged two weeks ago and they have set a date for April 2013!!! I know that when her oldest started middle school and into high school - it wasn't "cool" to hang around mom.....over the years - one is 28 and the other is 23 - they got into their "groove" and all was/is well.

It seems that you need to have thick skin during the HS years and that first year away from home...the song goes "hold on loosely - but don't let go"...

YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOU ROCK!!!

oh, you sweetheart!
mine (21 and 25) are very close to me. my younger still lives here (moving out next month) and my older comes home every couple of weeks and we talk or text or FB IM or something almost every day.
but i think we're weird. i blame homeschooling.
love that you have your own life and aren't needy. not sure what to say other than i hope and believe your son will move through this phase of exploring and tasting independence and come back to a closer place with his awesome mama.
khairete
S.

I am assuming that he lives outside of the house? Do you attempt to talk to him? My MIL is constantly complaining that my husband never calls her or tries to talk to her. But over the course of the last 15 years, I think she has called maybe 3 times. When he calls, he gets vague small talk from her and her tones makes it sound like she doesn't want to talk. Just keep the lines of communication open in both directions. On the other hand, my aunt has a 26 yo son. She drives him nuts, calls or texts multiple times a day. Will call his girl friend if he doesn't respond, gives her opinions when they aren't wanted. So he really put her in her place on Easter and told her in front of everyone that she shouldn't speak about him unless she knows what she is talking about. She was horrified. So there is doing it to the extreme too.

Just try to be open with your son. Guys usually don't talk as much as girls but can if they are given the right opportunities.

My son is also 23. HE NEVER CALLS or talks to me unless I call and he actually answers!!!! I believe its all normal. I was also hurt and figured out its boys!

My husband doesn't talk to his mom a lot. We usually see her weekly for an entire day and he talks then. But he's also a very terse person. If he calls, it's generally for a reason and the conversation is over in 2 minutes. There are odd times when he's particularly chatty - and she's told me when that happens she stops whatever it is she is doing to talk to him because who knows when he'll have time or want to chat again. There's nothing wrong with their relationship and he loves both his parents very much and we both enjoy spending time with him - he's just not a phone person and is extremely lacking in extra time.

My brother lives very close to my parents and he really only calls when he wants/needs something. However, he talks to his in laws all of the time. My parents are having a hard time with their feelings being hurt.

You need to have a wonderful relationship with your future DIL, she will be the key to your son. Concentrate on building a great relationship with her & she will make sure your son keeps a great relationship with you.

HI! I have a 23 year old who has ZERO interest in ever getting married. LOL

Here's on thing I know about young people and they're speaking habits...

Firstly, I rarely spoke to my son during college because he was living with his GF and she thought me intimidating and was threatened by our relationship. So...I gave him that time, tried to include her when I did see him and kinda went with the flow. She's no longer in the picture THANK GOD, I mean, I'm sorry to say...and well, he speaks to me more.

He has just recently moved back home so I "see" him more now, but I wouldn't say we "talk" allot. He has a "tell" that lets me know he has something on his mind, I look for that...and then inquire but know he's been on his own for the past 4 years so I try and stay out of his way and he tries to keep focused on what he needs to do.

I think they have to find their own way. And sometimes that means not speaking. But I will let him know that I'm here...can we go to lunch sometime...is it possible to go to the movies...that kind of thing and he will make time.

I think it's just their way of spreading their wings...

Sending good thoughts your way.

My two sons, ages 31 and 31 right now till the oldest turns 32 next month are not near as chatty as I'd like them to be. One is married, so I get most of the skinny from my DIL, I adore her so that's a good thing. The son that isnt married, well, I don't hear near enough from him as I'd like to. He throws me a bone now and then after I send him an email or a FB message to let me know what the hell is up.
I think they are men, independent men, we raised them with that goal in mind.... didnt we?
We know them for 18 years, then they go off and start their life. We are still stuck in the first 18 and it's a communication barrier sometimes.... my younger son told me that once "Mom, I'm older now, I'm not 12." That statement sort of hit me hard, it was said about 10 years ago after he'd been through bootcamp and to Iraq once. It's not easy to watch your son grow up. And that's why it's awesome to have a good rapport with the girlfriend/DIL...... you get the priceless info. If they pick a girlfriend or wife that isnt real family oriented, you hear less from them. I've seen that happen too. Luckily my one son is married to a very family oriented girl. My single son, I have to wade through different girlfriends with him. I loved the last one he had to bits and thought she was gonna be a DIL, then they broke up recently, made me sad.
23 year old men really don't feel like calling mom much. They do get better when they get older tho. :)

I am glad you posted. My son is still young and we are very close but I think I have a lot that I need to mentally prepare for. My brothers are in their 40's and still come by to visit my mom on all occassions, her birthday, mother's Day, thanksgving, Christmas and Easter. She is soo happy just for those days. Just make sure he knows you are there for him and you can even send him a card once in awhile. P.S. Isn't it funny that you have to let everyone know that you do have a life and are just missing him a bit so the moms don't slam you with, "Get your own life" lol.