Mother Law Advice Part 2 - Ponder,TX

You don't have a MIL problem as much as you have a marriage problem. Get into couples counseling, pronto.

Boundaries. You HAVE to set up boundaries but they will only work if your husband is on board and helps enforce them. So I strongly suggest marital counseling. This is a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

She overstepped here by asking your kids to call her Mom...no one is going to disagree with you on this. She needs to be told that she is out of line.

It sounds like you really didn't think the whole moving down near you thing out very well. It was perfectly reasonable that you do not want her in your home every day...I would lose my freaking mind if that was happening to me. However, that should have been something to come from your DH and not you. I don't think that there was a way for you to tell her this without it blowing up.

Your DH is right that something should have been said LONG before you blew up and lost it on this woman. However, he should have your back with his mother. If that is not happening, then you are in for a long,miserable road to travel...trust me on this.

You and your DH need to get on the same page on this.

Did you ask your MIL if she actually told your son that? It's never a good idea to base an assumption on the words of a young child.
Obviously if your MIL admits that yes, she did tell him that, then you've got a real problem, especially with your husband. I'm not sure what to advise, other than counseling for you and your husband, because you clearly need some help with communication and boundaries.

Uggh. How frustrating.

I would have asked your son about what his thoughts were. Well, that's not true. I would have WISHED I would have been able to approach it from my son's point of view. What does he think about that? What's the difference between mom and grandma etc. Used it as a real teaching moment.

In reality I probably would have lost it, too.

However.... it does bring up a good point. two points actually.

1. Your MIL is CLEARLY missing the "role" that you have. You're "useful". You're "needed". You have a life. She doesn't and she isn't handling it well.

2. You're coming at this from YOUR perspective. Which is, well, normal, considering you're you. But your post is that you want the life back that you had with your family before she moved here. Think about this from HER perspective. She probably wants HER life back too. But she can't have it. so she's frustrated, angry, sad.... whatever.

So....... regroup. It's not your fault. You're just the easy one to blame.... what with being the superhuman mom and all. He's guilty cuz it's his mom. she's sad cuz she's facing her own mortality and the loss of her husband. Your kids are probably equal parts thrilled and torn between loyalties watching the people they love become mad at each other.

OK. Deep Breath. Determine an objective. Write down a list of what you THOUGHT it would be like when your MIL moved. Write down a list of what you think will make your MIL happy - make friends, volunteering. Talk with her about SHE wants her life to be like NOW and what she wishes it was still like and help her move from one life to the other life.

I think this truly can be fixed with a good ole fashioned sit down. Talk it out. Like you love each other, not like you're adversarial. Because, really, you aren't. You all love the same people. And really, it might not be as big of a deal if she DID come over every day..... if you guys could get a better groooove. I lived with my mom for 5 years and it was absolutely fantastic.... AFTER we got through the *how do we do this* stage. When you have too many cooks in the kitchen there are a couple ways the meal gets made and typically role definition is the best way.

Good Luck

She might have given up her life in NM but she still needs a life of her own.
She needs to get involved with a seniors center and her church and make friends her own age.
She could date, play bingo, join craft classes, take a seniors fitness class, take a cooking class, learn to play an instrument, etc.
Some people would be happy with a visit once a week, but once every few weeks would be enough for me - every day would drive me insane.

Umm, call her mom?? I dont think so. She needs to call before she comes over. I mean, you could be showering, or cleaning house, or just not in the mood for visitors. What worked for us was if MIL showed up without calling or being invited we didnt let her in. I should mention my dh was completely on board with this and fed up with her after she barged in while he was undressed. If she showed up, he just told her sorry we are busy and she never got in the house. After 2-3 times of this, she quit doing it. You absolutely can schedule your time with her. Or tell your dh, if he wants to have his mother over, he can have her over, when he is home. If you want company, you will invite them. I understand she moved to be closer to her grandkids, but that does NOT give her carte blanche to treat you any way she wants. You need to set some ground rules. If your husband doesnt want to do it, just talk to her yourself. The call me mom thing would have put me way over the edge. That is hand that rocks the cradle creepy.

Have you helped her integrate into other activities and groups? Church, book clubs, gyms, volunteer programs? She needs assistance building her own life again.

She left everything and everyone she knew to move close to you all. Of course she glomming on to you and the kids. She is lonely and most likely a little fearful of starting over.

Help her to find some other outlets and ways to make friends and develop social circles.

I honestly think that normal advice on how to deal with your MIL does not apply here.

I am going to play the devils advocate here and take the other side of this discussion just to open your eyes a bit to what "she" might be going through.

YOU invited her to move far away from home, close to you so she could be part of your family, now YOU'RE reneging on that offer.

She has no other family here. She came because YOU INVITED her to come. She gave up everything to be here with you. You need to figure out what your issue is so that you can move past it and get back where you enjoy being with her. YOU INVITED her to do this and now you don't like it.

She didn't come to your town to make new friends and find a new life, she came because you and hubby sat down and talked her into doing this. What if you had invited her to live in your home? What then, kick her out? Her home is gone now, she doesn't have anywhere to go back to. You have to let this go and find a way to be more understanding of how she is feeling.

She is lonely because she came here instead of living the rest of her life surrounded by her friends and her home neighborhood. She gave that up for YOU. Now you want to boot her to the curb if she comes over.

I feel horrible for her.

Again, she gave her own life up to be near you because YOU invited her to do it. She came to be with you and her grand kids. She didn't just decide to move here when you did and is now bothering you, you talked her in to this.

So it's not what you thought it would be.

Sorry, I had to take her side because it does seem that everyone is taking your side so I am taking hers, like I said, the devils advocate. I loved my MIL every day, even the one or two when we disagreed about something. BUT I miss her every single day and wish I could just spend a few more days with her like she was before she got cancer and passed away. She was an amazing woman. And yes, she did drop in when I didn't necessarily want company but I let her in because she was my family and I respected her enough to treat her the way I wanted to be treated.

As for the calling her mom issue, I would try and find out what happened.

The discussion would go something like this:

"XX said the oddest thing to me this morning! He said "Mom said xxx" and when I asked him who he was talking about he said grandma, does he call you mom now?". Then let her answer. She may have a response that explains it all. Give her a chance to tell you how the conversation went.

I think the bigger issue is that your DH is not backing you up and won't put his mother in her place. I think is more of a marital issue than anything else.

She is way overstepping boundaries. She has probably done it all your H's life and he doesn't react because to him it's normal. He thinks he is not allowed to have boundaries and she is allowed to do anything she pleases.

You had a pretty good relationship before because you could get away before she showed her true colors.

Ever heard "Good fences make Good neighbors"? Same here. Good boundaries make good marriages. Good boundaries make good inlaw relationships.

Start with your relationship with your H and go from there. You need to seek a good Christian counselor. If not at your church, find a large church around and call about one. Once he understands that this is not acceptable, you can decide together what united front you need.
When we marry, we become one person. If one of you has a problem, then both of you do and to deny that is not Christian. Marriage is when you leave your parents and cleave to each other. He's having trouble leaving and cleaving.

And then there is your mil. I am trying to decide if there is mental illness involved or it's just loneliness and bossiness. The part that makes me question is your conversation with your kids. It's the kind of thing that has been said before by women with BPD. Look at BPDFamily.com and check out the symptoms and lessons on boundaries. If its true, you will have to be stronger than you ever had to be in your life. F.O.G is how they control you, fear, obligation and guilt. Do what's best for your family.

Hi greenmama3
You have received a lot of good advice. I'm going to come to you from a different angle. I am a grandmother but not a MIL cause my grandson's mom is not married to my son, but they live here. When your kids are grown and don't need you as a mommy anymore it's hard, now I do agree your MIL was wrong as two left shoes to tell your son it was OK to call her mom, if that is what she said. Some times children miss understand things said, or the convey them in away that makes sense to them.. We always told our children you will understand when you become a parent, now we tell our son and his girlfriend you will unserstand when you become grandparents. In my heart and mind I am very possesive of my 15 month old gramdson, but I do my best to not act on those feelings and thoughts. It sounds like your MIL needs to be needed in a motherly way and sense her son is grown she is trying to get it through her grandson. You can schedule grandma time one or two days a week they go to lunch toy shopping, because my grandson lives with me I get to have him everyday, but his other grandma does not, so a couple days a week to stays with his other grandma, and they have their grandma and grandson time and it's good for him. First talk to your husband about this idea (If you like it) and then take your MIL to lunch and run this ideal past her and see what she says? it can be just for a day, an overnight, the time that she has needs to be bassed on what you and your husband can agree to. I't will all be worked J.

Wow! I didn't read part 1, but if your husband is going to take the Christian stance, he needs to, "leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (Gen 2:24)
Y'all need counseling from someone in a church! That woman is crazy!

My grandchildren, both, at different times, asked if they could call me Mom, around that same age. I told them no and it wasn't a problem except that they still several years later still slip and call me Mom everyone once in a while. We, my daughter and I, just ignore it.

Try to understand that because you both do similar things with your son that he's confused. As CoMoMom suggested, it's not too late to have that conversation with your son now. Ask his opinion. Talk about your different roles. Be calm and impersonal about it.

I'm a grandmother and my daughter and I had difficulties getting along when she was first a mother. It took time for us to adjust to our roles. First we had to figure out what each role was. We talked a lot about what each of us wanted and gradually came to an agreement. We fought because we were defensive. Once we learned how to really listen to the other we worked out our relationship and now are good friends. It did take a couple of years to do this.

It helped me tremendously to be in counseling. I learned how to see my daughter's side and how to word my thoughts in a way that was less threatening to her. She did not go to counseling tho she listened/read some self help stuff, mostly Joyce Meyers.

Here is a program that can help you learn how to communicate in a more effective way. It's called Non-violent Communication. Here is a web site describing it. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

I,too, strongly believe that you and your husband need to learn how to be on the same page. My daughter was a single parent at the time and so it was just the two of us. You are dealing with a MIL and your husband has to be in agreement with you. I urge you to find a way for you and your husband to agree on boundaries with his mother. Counseling can help you do this. Having a neutral third person simplifies communication tremendously.

It will help if you could be less upset about your MIL. Talk with your husband using I statements and not being critical or judgmental about his mother. Take away his need to defend her. Focus on finding a way to understand each other and each others needs. This is a part of non-violent communication.

You do need to have better boundaries. It's too much to expect anyone to be in your house everyday or even several times a week. But you need to set those boundaries in a calm, loving way, listening to their pain and being compassionate.

When she says, "Oh, so now I'm not welcome in your house whenever I want," say in a calm and impersonal voice that she's right. She's not welcome whenever she wants. She's welcome when she's invited. Take the emotion out of your response. Know that you have the right to limit her visits. No need to fight. You do need your husband to agree.

You don't need to schedule visits. You can agree that she comes over x number of times per week. My daughter and I have decided to have breakfast together every Saturday morning. Once we started doing that I felt more confident that I was loved.

Feeling love is a big component in this sort of issue. She moved to be near you. I assume you agreed she should do that. Tell her several times a week that you appreciate her moving there. Give her praise along with boundary setting. Find out what her love language is and help her feel loved. Sounds like she feels love thru feeling needed. So have her come over every week at a specific time to watch your son while you run errands or go to the gym or library or to just take time for yourself in any way you want. Do you know how many moms would love to have this happen for them.

Helping your MIL to find activities will help. Approach it in an understanding way, telling her that you know that she's isolated in her new community. If you're a church going family enlist the help of someone from church. Look at class offerings thru City Parks and Recreation. In my area they have trips as well as classes geared just to seniors.

You can make a difference in your relationship just by changing the way you look at your mil. Be empathic, show love, and stop taking what she does personally. Hard to do but the relationship you build will be worth the effort.

BTW: you will be less defensive about your son calling his grandma Mom if you're confident in your role as Mom. Him calling her Mom does not indicate that he loves her more. It only means he loves her and he equates love with Mom. Means you've done a good job of being his Mom.

Jill is right. You have a marriage problem and you need to DRAG your husband to marriage counseling. If you don't, you're just going to have more problems.

You also need to tell your mother-in-law that you don't appreciate her telling your kids to call her "mom". Tell her flat out.

Dawn