Mother in Law & Her Unwanted Gifts

Hi. I would recommend trying to "redirect" her gift giving. Say, "oh Mom, we have enough clothes. We would really love some of those famous (fill in the blank with candy/food) from where you live! We can't get that around here!" or "It just doesn't taste right the way they make it here!" A: It sounds plausible and B: it will take up room in her luggage usually intended for hideous clothing gifts. Toys unique to where she lives are also good options to ask for. And remember it is the thought that counts so smile and say "oh Mom (or however you address her) we love you!" the next time she gives you hideous clothing.

I would thank her for the gifts. She is being thoughtful. I have the same issue but I am happy that I have a mil who cares about us.

A.,
Sometimes you just have to take the gifts and say thank you. If she wanted to buy you what you wanted, she would ask. Believe me, I know from experience. MY mother-in-law loves to buy clothes for us. She never askes me what kind of toys my children are into. She just loves to buy clothes I guess. She buys them on clearance and so I never get a receipt to take them back. Basically, I say thank you, I love it, it is so cute etc. to make her feel good. Then I usually put it in the bag for goodwill. I may hold on to it for a while and them give it away. I do sometimes dress my kids in the clothes she buys them when they open them. So she gets the satisfaction of seeing them and then I never put it on them again. Sometimes you just have to laugh about it. I did tell her(she did not ask though) that my kids have their own little xmas trees in their room, so if she wants to pick out a special ornament for them it would be great. They will be able to put it on their tree every year and collect them over the years as keepsakes. GOOD LUCK! and remember...just laugh!!!

My grandma used to get me hideous gifts. Once when I was in high schools she got me a Christmas sweater with a giant reindeer on it with a light-up nose! We used to save the gifts and wear them only when she came to visit.

We would say thank you to her face, but laugh about it later. We made suggestions for her over the years but nothing changed. She loved buying those kinds of gifts.

Now she's not with us anymore, and I miss opening up a garishly decorated package to find something hideous.

Someone once told me "feelings are more important than objects." It's not worth potentially hurting her feelings over some objects. Smile, dress your kids up in them when she's around, and be gracious. Donate them later and say they outgrew them, or loved them so much they got a stain.

You'll miss her her crazy gifts when she's gone. Believe me, I know.

I think if you look up MIL in the dictionary, you will find that one of the definitions is "person who gives unwanted gifts and/or junk." I think many of us can relate.

My suggestion is not to say anything since, the way things are, your MIL is happy, and you only have to deal with getting rid of the stuff. Hopefully you can at least donate it somewhere. On the other hand, if you say something, her feelings WILL be hurt - there is no way to sugarcoat it. Which is the worse outcome: having to dispose of things you don't want, or hurting your well-intentioned, albeit misguided, MIL? There's your answer.

If it really is intolerable for you to get these unwanted presents, what about gently suggesting to her:

(1) that she set up a college fund (or you set it up for her since she is overseas) for your son, exclusively from her, that she can fund, a little bit at a time, with the money that she is otherwise spending on gifts for all of you?

(2) if she has access to the internet, that she choose gifts for your son (to be shipped to your home) from a particular online store since you can't go wrong with their selection (e.g., Gymboree) and gifts for you and your husband, if she insists on giving things to you instead of just your son, where items are easily returnable even without a receipt (e.g., Wal-Mart, Kohl's)?

Good luck - it is an unpleasant situation.

We had the same problem so my husband talked to his mother and she was a little hurt at first, but completely understands our feelings. We now get gift cards and cash, or she takes the kids shopping to pick out what they need. Last year we got a wii for the whole family. By giving her suggestions or specifics it takes the guess work out of shopping for the whole family.
" Mom you're always so thoughtful, but we realy don't need clothing. Thanks" Best wishes!!!!!

A.,

This is a case where YOU shouldn't do anything but continue to smile and say thank you. If your husband really thinks this should stop, HE needs to talk to his mother and find away to tell her nicely that while you guys appreciate her thoughtfulness, you don't really need the gifts because her coming to visit from so far away is a gift by itself.

Dear A.,
Count your blessings...your MIL is thinking of you and wants to give you gifts.How about suggesting that she not purchase the gifts before she arrives but save the money and you go shopping together,or how about asking her to donate that money to your favorite charity in your son's name,or put the money in the bank for your sons college education???
Whatever you do or say,pray before you speak and then speak with love and thankfulness,be truthful she lives overseas and fashions are different. Put on the clothes and show her that they aren't in line with your tastes and may not look as good as she'd imagined,show her pictures form your favorite catalogues.Above all extend her some grace,be loving,how old is she,what does she wear??
Blessings,
P.

I don't have any good advice on this one but I thought I'd let you know your not alone. I've been married for 5 years and have the exact same problem and we now have a 1 month old that has been included on the gift list as well. My MIL lives a few towns away though and brings things every time she comes with is at least once a month. I have gotten to the point that I keep a donation bag at all times so that we can just donate them. She doesn't even know what size my husband wears she gets him extra larges and larges and he wears a size medium so even if the stuff was wearable it doesn't fit him. And she gets mad that I'm not dressing my 1 month old in the hideous clothes she has bought that are for 6 to 9 month olds.
We have tried saying something not to discourage you, but my husband informed her not to buy us any clothing and she completely ignored us and told him not to look a gift horse in the mouth. It is such a waste but I've just gotten on good terms with the charities in the area. I doubt I even fake the appreciation anymore, my husband has informed me that my disgust and distaste is clear on my face when she hands me a gift bag, but we told her to stop so I say it's her problem at this point. She tells us that she's a giver and it's just who she is. AHHH!!!!

I had the same problem with my first marriage. MIL sent all kinds of horrible clothes, jewelry, decorative (not) items. They lived a few states away, which was good. I do not think it is worth it to say anything. Just take the gifts pleasantly then donate them. There are people who will use them out there - really - lol! Out of 9 years of marriage I probably kept 3 things that whole time and gave away the rest. You could try suggesting that all of you have way too many clothes and that you would like to start saving for the baby or something like that so she will stop with the clothes. Even that might do no good, so just "enjoy" your gifts. I no longer am in the family with my MIL but I miss her and even miss the junky gifts.

The first thing is to definately get hubby on board, then he should be the one to do the actual talking even if you are all in the same room. I'd tell her something along the lines of... We really appreciate all the clothes you've given us over the years and we know it is something you enjoy doing for us so this is a little hard for us to ask of you but we really would rather you stop. With the way the economy is we are worried about the costs of raising your grandson. It would be so great if you could take the money you would normally spend on clothes, for the three of us, and put it in jr. savings account. It would bring us such peace of mind knowing he has a little nest egg going. Then I'd hand her the account # & bank info and hope she gets the hint.
Good Luck.

I don't think you can really tell her without hurting her feelings. gifts are like extras - none of us deserve or are entitled to them, so if we happen to like them that is a bonus. The only polite thing that I can think of that might divert her is to set up an education account for your little one and to let her know about it. But generally, it is a good skill to learn to be able to say something is lovely when it is really pretty hideous and it is a great skill to teach your child.

Whatever words need to be said, it HAS to be your husband who delivers them! We've gone through this with my MIL as well- in the end, we ended up creating a wishlist on a website, so she could be sure that what she spent money on was towards things we needed. We directed her gift giving to our children, so even if she strayed from the list, they'd at least outgrow clothing and toys and we wouldn't have these hideous things around forever. We've also received girl clothing for our son. ?!?!?
Just have your husband explain that you appreciate your generosity, but that your wardrobe is complete, but when she comes to town, you can shop together to make sure your son has everything he needs! Or something to that effect. No matter how it's said, have her son be the one to deliver that message!!
Anyhow- good luck!

I agree with Lisa's post, and the other posters....you are very limted in how you can handle this. Dontations are always nice, especially if you have friends that can use the clothes (my friend has a gazzilion nieces/nephews so I pass this stuff on to her and she doesn't have to buy gifts). Passing it on to those in need is always a good thing to do. But when people send those kind of gifts it's like a half thought....I was thinking of you but not enough to send what you would like (very aggravating). Unless there is a medical problem. How is her health?

Unless you can kindly say things like, "The baby is irritated by the material they use we are so sad he can't wear those clothes"...... "such in such a place has THE BEST clothes they wash well and baby JUST LOVES THEM" and then if she responds get a picture taken of the baby in the outfit and send it to her. If these nice hints fall on deaf ears after about 3 or 4 times, I think it's done. Best of luck, and remember...there has to be someone out there with her taste and your dontations are making their day!

OK...I had to giggle at this one cause we have been through it too. My MIL, while trying to be very generous, in the past, has given us ridiculous, gaudy gifts. We accept them w/ a smile and a gracious thank you and have a good laugh later (she gave my husband, who is a big guy, a medium size Tigger sweatshirt that said "best son"!!!) That was a riot! She means well and one thing we have tried that seems to have worked is offer ideas before the holidays. Instead of saying something that may be hurtful, say, O by the way, my daughter is wearing a size 8 and really likes Old Navy this year, or something like that! (or "if you are looking for ideas, here are some things that so and so needs") MIL/Grandma does great now! The kids get really cute things they love and she usually gets us gift cards or nice sweatshirts now. Again, you know she means well...so I agree w/ other posters who say count your blessings and continue to donate if she doesn't change, but try offering suggestions in a subtle way, not saying instead of or anything...good luck and hey...those hideous shirts could come in handy for Halloween costumes too!

You and your husband must talk to her together so she will understand that this is not a one decision opiniion but you are both on one accord. Do not over think the decision just do it she will probaly take this lighter than you think. Good Luck and Blessings!

My husbands step mother does not have good fashion sense either but my husband just said it is her money and that if she wants to buy we are not going to rock the boat.

What I would say is you do not have to wear the items. And if you feel you do maybe you should say some thing. A simple statement like, "I thank you for the nice gift but it is really not my taste," that is if she asks you to wear it.

I would be best if your husband would address it but if he is like mine he never will. He could say something like, "Mom you really do not need to buy us the clothes. If you would like to give us something how about a savings bond for your grandsons future education needs."

Just a Thought,
S.

Here is my very unhurtful response that your husband needs to put out there. He needs to say Mom while we are greatful for the gifts you bring to us, we are concerned about the cost of college for our child as it will cost xxx amount of cash for tuition. He is concerned that if saving doesn't start now affording to pay for at least some of his college won't happen, Mom in lieu of bringing us any gifts at all could you put any money that you would have normally spent on my, my wife and toys or clothes for our beautiful boy, could you put it into either savings bonds or open a 529 plan or coverdall or some sort of a trust fund? It would take a great burden off of us to know that instead of adding to our stuff we will all be helping out his future"

By putting it this way, by her son it is not showing offense, ungreatfulness or wastefullness. Her son is also showing responsibilty to his child(proud Momma). Unless she is just bent on ticking you guys off and knows it, this should work.

You certainly can't tell her she's wsting her $. I tried with my mom and she said it's her $ to waste and she love shopping at the flee market! I get dirty, spotted and stained clothes. Of course she bought for my kids also. When my daughter was 13, my mom bought her Holly Hobby earmuffs. My daughter cried. I never made her wear them of course. I told my mom that they were for 6 year olds. Mom said "they're so cute". I came right out and told her that she made her granddaughter cry. Mom said that's because I raised her to be ungrateful. I've learned that different people have different tastes and let it go there. They always think they're right; they're moms.

Count your blessings and donate. On way too many occasions MIL's do not like their son's choice for a mate and this kind of relationship tend to cause unnecessary strain to the relationship and for all the family members involved including the children. Children are always included to the extent that the MIL either does not want to see her grandchildren or worse the offended daughter-in-law or her own son may not want her to be involved in the lives of your children. You are way fortunate not to be in such a situation. Donate, donate, donate.

I have a similar situation where my in laws just buy a ridiculous amount of presents. Personally, I don't want christmas to be so materialistic but I"ve come to realize that this is they're way of celebrating and I shouldn't poo poo it. So, if you have extra stuff you don't want. Donate it to a needy family or an organization like the salvation army. There are plenty of people out there who need help. At the very least, you can start to get excited and think of all the people who will get some gifts because of your mother-in-law's good will!! You don't need to let your mother in law know. Just thank her as she probably had a blast buying you gifts and misses you guys!

There is no way to do it without hurting her feelings. It's her money and she's entitled to spend it as she pleases. Accept the gifts graciously, and then donate them later if you wish. Or sell them on eBay and donate the money to a charity in her name--and don't tell her, ever.

Hi A.!
If I were you I would count my blessings and not say a word! Even if you approach it nicely hearing someone doesn't like your gift(s) will end with hurt feelings!
You could give the adult clothes to daycare,schools, church, etc to play dress-up or pass them on to shelters or goodwill services where someone else will use them.
Best Wishes!

Oh A.---you can never tell her ever! This is your mother-in-law we're talking about and she will take it as a personal insult, trust me. Besides whats the harm, they are just ugly clothes and you said she lives overseas. As suggested by other posters, smile graciously and then donate them when she leaves. Make sure to put your son in a few of the outfits and take some snapshots for her. Better yet, have the whole family dress up in her gifts and take a family photo in front of the tree. Send it only to her and then burn the evidence. You can then happily donate the clothes knowing they have been worn at least once. Remember one person's trash is another person's treasure!

I'm sorry A., but your description as to what she gave you for boy's clothes just cracked me up, i.e., "black pants with sparkling flowers, a white body suit with pink hearts" I was laughing so hard, I cried. I can also relate, I had a mom like that.

I can see from the rest of the post below, that it worked out and she stopped doing it.

Dear A.,

This sort of thing happens in my family all the time. I have decided that since the offenders live far away and never really see us, it is not a big deal. I simply say "thank you" or send a nice note, and then do whatever I choose to with the stuff -- donate to charity, give to friends with properly sexed children, return to store if possible. I agree with the poster who gave the advice about suggesting a particular store like Gymboree which has a website which would make gift giving and returns easier. Regarding the gifts she gives you, I think the best course is to say nothing. First, she is your MIL, so the potential to offend is huge. You indicated she lives far away, so it isn't like she is going to know whether you wear the stuff she gives you. If there is a way for you to make a gentle suggestion then go for it, otherwise, I would probably say that it isn't worth rocking the boat. It drives me crazy seeing money wasted like this in my family too. Good luck!

Mommy Advice Column addressed a similar question today - http://www.mommyadvicecolumn.com/2010/11/mom-tired-of-unw... - good luck!

I think the furthest you can go is just say thank you but don't give her the impression that you love it. A simple thank you you shouldn't have will be great. Then just donate it all. Good luck!

Dear A.,

Me personally, I would make it a point to wear her gifts in her presence, hideuos or not. My mother always gives my husband funky gifts and he goes out of his way to make sure she sees him in them. You should see the glow on her face when he's wearing that horrible sweater or White Sox jersey when he's a Cub fan. What's a few days out of the year your sense of fashion is questioned?

It sounds like she enjoys buying your family clothes and takes the time to be so thoughtful. You're lucky.

My MIL also buys things- toys, clothes, etc, that would be great but are not always the right size or to my taste. She also buys age inappropriate toys that aren't safe for my kids. I just thank her and compliment the items, then donate them. She has the best intentions and we don't see her enough for her to know. Right now she feels good about what she's doing and it would hurt her feelings so we just accept it. I do wish she wasn't wasting the money but that's her choice. I think you have to weigh the benefits of saying something to her with how she will feel.

I haven't read the other notes but we had cousins who kept giving us everything they didn't want. Well, I made the mistake of telling the woman one day (not thinking about who I was talking to) that I was tired of people giving us all these things. ooops, well she really hardly visits us anymore. So to tell the truth, if you can just keep doing what you are doing that might keep the peace. There are other people out there who live in second hand shops waiting for these items!

Be grateful that you have a kind, thoughtful, generous mother in law!!!!!!

Don't hurt her feelings...put on a smile and say thank you.

Perhaps suggest that she should spend the gift money intended for you and your husband on your baby boy instead? I have been raked through the coals in past years from my in-laws on my "unacceptable" gifts, so, I no longer buy gifts for the adults, I simply spend the extra money on all the kids instead. If not, keep it to yourself, and accept with gratitude.

I hate to say this but you may just have to suck it up. I used to give my family my artwork and I remember how horrible I felt the year my grandfather opened his present, started laughing and said, "What the hell is this?" Re-sell it on Ebay or at consignment, or save it for re-gifts. I guarantee the girl baby clothes will be out of your closet within six months.

Another option is to refer her to an online gift list. There are VERY limited funds for holiday presents (ditto for my 40th birthday which happens five days after Xmas) this year. If anyone's going to spend their money I want it to be right on the mark. So when relatives ask what I want I refer them to my Amazon wish list.

Good luck!

Just donate her gifts....they will be put to good use then, and you will not hurt her feelings.