MIL Out of Line

I understand how you feel about this. My husband got a ton of shoes form his aunt that were from her husband's death. He felt bad about telling her they were not the right size or style for that matter so guess where they are. Sitting in my garage! Also my MIL is so clueless and I have told her several times that I am not that size. She always buys way to small but still buys me things. Then tells my husband I am so rude for never wearing them. CLUELESS!

Yes. Just say "Thanks Mom but grandmom's clothes are bit too big for mom. If you don't know someone they will fit, would you mind taking them to Goodwill so someone can get some use out of them?"

MR and MOMof3 said everything that I was going to say.

Life is too short to get worked up about the little things....
Yes, my grandmother used to give my mom or me some of her old clothes---ugly and way, way too large for any of us. But back in her era of growing up (which they remember more than they remember last week, keep in mind) clothes were something to NOT take for granted.

hee! THIS is what you consider outa line? you need to read some of the 'bad MIL' tales on this site and get some perspective!
your MIL sounds like a sweet lady who might not be the most observant in the world but is motivated from her heart. you and your mom need to relax.
:) khairete
S.

I don't think your MIL is ridiculous nor do I think she is out of line. She might be a little clueless but I think she has her heart in the right place.

Your MIL may have grown up in a situation where things are not just thrown away but rather passed on to people who may be able to use them. I, like others, don't think she's trying to insult anyone. I mean, if your mom was the only one getting any items from the house, well maybe...but I doubt it. This may be her form of recycling. She also may have a hard time of completely "letting go" of things and by passing them to a family member she thinks they're going to a good home.

Gratefully accept the gifts and pass them along to Goodwill and keep the tax deduction for yourself :)

I don't think she is trying to insult your mother and this seems pretty low on the MIL irritation list. If she gives your mother additional clothes, your mom should say "thank you" and donate them again. I think your MIL is trying to feel helpful and giving after her own mother passed away.

When my grandmother passed, my aunt especially couldn't stand the thought of giving her clothes or possessions away to Goodwill. I don't know why- maybe it was just too final for her. So she pushed all my grandmother's possessions on us grandkids. I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't want them. so I just took what I didn't want to Goodwill myself (then took the tax credit). Perhaps your mother should do the same and just understand that she means well and it's part of the healing process.

I think she is oblivious and just trying to do a good deed. I doubt she will ever be checking to see if your mom wore the clothes. Let her give them, she is just wanting them to go to someone she knows and probably doesnt care what happens to them after that. Your mom should find a 3x friend to pass them on to.

Tell MIL to give the clothes to charity and every chance you get, tell your mom how slender she's looking these days.

There are a lot of well-meaning people who don't notice the size of clothes or bother to check, and also a lot of people who are not realistic about the size of their mother. They think of their mother as just a woman who is mom-sized, not about how thin or fat she is compared to other people. Also, when someone dies, others in the family want to in some way preserve the life, and keeping thing, however un-useful, in the family is one way to do it.

I'm usually on the side of straight talk to in-laws, but in this case, your MIL is dealing with a lot. I would say not only don't intervene, but suggest your mom send a thank you note saying the gesture was very thoughtful. It's really nice that this stuff is going to Goodwill, but she doesn't need to mention that in the note.

I don't think giving clothes to someone is out of line at all. Why wouldn't that be okay? I understand that the size difference issue may be irritating (and a little offensive) but if no one tells her "Hey that was a nice idea but the clothes were 12 sizes too big" she'll never know.

Another thought may be that your MIL can't fathom the thought of giving her mothers things to a complete stranger. If that's the case, let her give them to your mom and just keep doing what you are doing- giving them to Goodwill or the ARC or the Salvation Army.

So is your mom upset because she thinks that the implication is that she's a size 3x? Even if that's the case, I think she's reading too much into it.

Otherwise, I don't understand why she's upset. Just sounds like your MIL is trying to be nice, and maybe figures that your mom might have some use for the clothes. She's probably just trying to clear out the house as best she can with as few complications (donations, sales, etc...) as possible.

You might just comment to your MIL that your mom would rather they get donated to those who really need clothes, instead of her. I don't really see why the conversation needs to go further than that.

People don't see sizes, they see gifts. I get clothes all the time that aren't even close to my size, but I thank them graciously and then give them to goodwill. No reason to be offended, most people have no idea what a size really looks like. Your MIL probably saw her mother as much smaller than she was. Blinded by love if you will...
:-)
Just smile and offer to drop them off at goodwill for your mom. Express to your mom how nice it is that your MIL is thinking of her, that's what's important here, not the size.

I would suggest that you mention it to your husband and ask him to mention it to his mother that your mother is not the same size that your M.I.L's mother was. I do think it was rather rude that she just dumped the clothes on you for your mom. Personally, I think it was a very tacky ''gesture''! And it would of left a bad taste in my mouth!

I don't think it's a big deal. The clothes were given (and it was a thoughtful gesture) and your Mom donated them. Everyone seems more or less happy. Don't read more into it than there was.
My Mom sends me things sometimes and I just have to shake my head over what she was thinking. But I accept gifts graciously and thank her and then either use them or donate them. She's just cleaning out her storage spaces and would rather give to me than strangers. And she says if I can donate and write it off my taxes then she feels good about it too.

I think she is just trying to be nice. Take the clothes, say thank you and donate them. What she doesnt know won't hurt her and everyone is happy. If you tell her you and your mom don't want the clothes her feelings might be hurt and offended and then it will start some drama...

Some people cannot judge size at ALL. My MOTHER gave me clothes that fit her, and we are SO not the same size. Either have hubby clue her in, or just continue to donate. Let your mom know about the responses you got re. the clueless-size-judging people if she's bummed by the thought that she might appear that large.

I don't think your MIL is out of line at all. It was really nice of her to think about your mom. I would just tell your MIL the clothes were too big for your mom, if she has any other clothes she can go ahead and give them to Goodwill. Honestly, as a petite woman, I couldn't tell you how much bigger a size 14 is compared to a 3x. I have larger friends and couldn't even begin to guess what size of clothes they wear. No disrespect to them, I just don't know.

If I understand you correctly, is your mother upset because your MIL thinks that your mother is large enough to fit into 3x sized clothes? Is that what this is all about? If so, I can understand that your mother would be ticked, but I don't think it is something to "start up" over. I think the next time your MIL gives your mother more clothes (and I'm sure she WILL do it again), just have your mother handle it the same way she already did - take the clothes, say thank you, and then give it to goodwill. Done. End of story. It sounds like this will only happen one more time, and then it will be over.

I remember this happened to me when I was engaged. For a wedding shower gift, my SIL's-to-be gave me lingerie that were a size medium. I was pissed b/c I was not a size medium, I was a size small! It really bothered me that they thought of me as a size medium (or maybe I really was and was in denial?) but I always made a mental note to myself to lose some weight (and I did after I gave birth to my first son - now, they would NEVER think of me as a size medium - I am thinner than them)! Anyway, yeah, it's annoying, but definately NOT something to start up over. This is not a battle to pick, so tell your mom not to say anything other than "thank you for the clothes." If this is your only issue w/ your MIL, I consider you to be very lucky!

Can you intercept the bag of clothes so that neither your mom or your MIL have hurt feelings? You can donate the clothes to a charity and neither side has to know.

After I had my son, my SIL's mother sent me a bag of her mom's clothes after cleaning out the closet of things they didn't want to send to the nursing home with her! OMG! I was 23 years old and I was given the clothes of an 85 year old woman! Trying to figure out WHY they would do that was really hard on me. I had to let it go!

If you think it won't hurt your MIL's feelings then let her know in a kind way that your mom "tried on the clothes and they were just too large for her" & it may just be best to go ahead & donate them herself (even if your mom didn't try them on, it's a lot more kind way to decline further donations to your mom where clothes are concerned). I think your MIL is just doing something in kind b/c she may feel guilty if she just gives the clothes, etc away w/o offering it to someone in the family first. I too have these types of relatives & I just accept the articles & if they ask, I just explain "well I do appreciate the thought but the clothes just didn't fit, they were a bit large on me so I just donated them". Perhaps that will help your mom w/this issue. Good luck!

Id just tell her the clothes are too big and that maybe we could find someone else who could benefit from them better. I dont buy the "be sensitive' approach. Ive lost two parents, my husband has as well, we are relatively young to have had to deal with that, thats a lot of stuff to find a home for. Yes you want to see your parents stuff go to a home where it will be appreciated, but having people walking on eggshells by accepting stuff they dont want, not what i would have wanted or expected.

As you said, you dont think she is trying to be rude, well good, then the honest approach, delivered sweetly is the best way to go.

Hi,
I personally would talk to my mom and tell her to just say "No thanks, my closet is already full...how about giving it to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. They need it more than I do"
Or, you could get your mom the iNo Iphone App...it gives you other ways of saying "No" in various situations.
http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/ino/id407961136?mt=8
Good Luck!

I'm noticing what you're NOT writing - namely, that your MIL is a nasty person who often does things just to hurt others. So I'm assuming that she's generally nice, considerate, and lovable.

There is a big difference between 14 and 3X, but MIL may not be thinking about that. She may be thinking, "Grace [or whatever your mom's name is] isn't one of those size-two people, and maybe these are her size - and I'd just hate to toss them away." Encourage your mom to believe that there is no hidden message in what MIL is doing.

Your mother (or you) can give the clothes to Goodwill, or to a church, or to someone you know who is that size, and she can say to your MIL, "You're so sweet to think about me - I looked through the clothes and they're too big for me, but I know women who can wear them so I passed them along. I hope that was all right. They really appreciate having these nice things to wear, and I like the thought of your mother's outfits having a new career."

(Side note: When my mother died, we offered all her clothing to the nursing home to give to some of the other residents. But they turned down our offer because the other women residents were bigger than my mom and wore only sweats and sneakers! Never in all her almost-98 years would my mother have been seen in sweats and sneakers. So we gave it all back to Goodwill - which is where most of it came from in the first place.)

Eh, I would just pre-warn your mom that more clothes may be coming again. Your mom should just do the same thing and move on. Some people (probably like your MIL) can't stand things not going to good use. They don't even take into consideration the size difference.

i would just gently ask mil to give the clothes to someone who can use them, let her know that the person she is giving the clothes to appreciates the thought but they are no use to her due to the size. if mil takes offense then she is too hard headed anyways. and mom can donate them out

or maybe your mom could tell mil i went throught the clothes but they wont work for me, if you want them back i can get them back to you but if not, i will have to take them to goodwill because they are no use to me (can mom see if someone she knows knows anyone who could use them?)

or heck, just keep accepting and get the tax write off for the donation :)

Do you think MIL is trying to be mean or she really does not have a clue and thinks your mom could use these clothes? I think it would be better if your mom told MIL herself that the clothes do not fit.
If I were your mom I would take one of the items out of the bag while MIL is still there and say "Oh this is a nice "whatever" while holding it up to myself and then say but It is sort of large don't you think?" Or she could just take the clothes and then give them away to goodwill for a tax write off.

Hello!

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

It might be possible that your MIL is not thinking clearly with the loss of her mother.

If you feel like intervening - just ask your MIL to drop the items off at your home and you'll take them to your mom....

I've not had this personally happen to me - but I think i would be a little offended if someone gave me clothes that are obviously too big....hmmmm...I am excited to see how others would handle this!!

Really? The woman just lost her MOTHER! Even if she has done rude things in the past, this would be the time to give her the benefit of the doubt. Just take the clothes, thank her, and do whatever you or your mom wants to do with them. I would take them directly to a women's or homeless shelter.

Look, she is emptying a household. She most likely wants to try to give things to people that can use them. If your mom doesn't know anyone that she can pass them on to...just have her (again) take them to a donation center. (Womens shelter may be a more useful choice.) Mention, in passing, to your MIL, that whatever doesn't fit your mom is being donated. And thank her as well. Your mom should too. I think her intentions are good.

i would not make a big deal. if you feel the need to say something say it once not multiple times. you loose ground when something is repeated. i would say wow, my mom appericated the gesture but its really not her size. thanks anyhow we are not interested. then if she continues talking about it let her but dont say anthing else.

well this is one of those things that could be totally innocent or totally on purpose; when in doubt I give the person the benefit of the doubt, yes it's annoying to receive clothes ten times your size! wth??? but because they belong to her deceased mother I'd just let it slide. tell your mom to just donate them like she is being doing and move on.
This is a fight I would not pick, but I agree it's annoying.
My MIL KNOWS my mother is 50 and she made a comment that she got a senior discount for 65 and older and she was SURE my mom could get it too, ugh shut up lady! she knows my mom's age she is just trying to ruffle some feathers. I gave her the benefit of the doubt to keep the peace but it's hard to be the bigger person.

I am a little late on this, but I just thought you might get a laugh out of it.... When I was pregnant, my MIL would buy me 2X and 3X lounge pants and house dresses!!!! Ummm thanks??, but no thanks. I was a size 6 when I got pregnant and I didn't pack on enough weight to be a 2X/3X.

I would simply tell her "The clothes are too big, but thank you for considering my mom. If it is easier for you to bring them down, I'd be happy to take them to Goodwill for you. "

Not to sound insensitive in ANY way, given that her mother passed away, but I don't find it rude at all to let her know the clothes are too big.

Here's another one that just happened this week: My MIL told me I could borrow her ski bib, as I told my husband I would probably need to buy a new jacket and stuff since I am 20 pounds heavier then the last time we went. Once again, ummm thanks, but no thanks, as she weighs at least 50 more pounds than I do.

My ex husbands grandma always bought me size large as gifts and I wear 2x. Hello, there is a big difference the OTHER way also! I would say thank you and put in the Goodwill box. I think you should mention it to the MIL since she clearly is clueless. It would save her the bother of packing it and taking it over. Just say, hey, I hear your giving grandmas clothes to my mom, just wanted to let you know they are much to big for her so she is donating them. You may want to give them to Goodwill yourself. Just a thought. But I agree she probably just "doesn't get it".

Good Morning!
I'm willing to bet your MIL has not thought about the size at all. If she's like my MIL was when her mother died, she hates the thought of her mom's stuff being thrown away or sold like Scrooge's old bedclothes in "A Christmas Carol". It takes a while to get over the loss of a parent, and many people are reluctant to throw away or junk things that they have fond memories about. If she brings more clothes, please don't take it as an insult about size or finances. Thank her for the gift and when she's gone give it to Goodwill, or better yet, a ministry or program in your community that gives clothing to people in need instead of selling it. I hope this helps. K.

I agree with the others who say that she isn't trying to be hurtful. She's just clueless. Try not to take offense and just accept the clothes and then pass them along like you have been doing. Or, you may want to explain that they don't fit and see if she wants to keep them or give them to someone else. She might be upset if she finds out you gave them to Goodwill, so I would let her know that they aren't usable by your Mom before you accept them next time. Good luck!

I don't see the problem here. Just give the clothes to Goodwill. Why bring it up to your MIL - she just lost her mother and this is a painful time for her - she doesn't need any more grief.