Mother In-laws

Your husband needs to sit down with his mom and tell her that while he appreciates everything she does with her grandchild she needs to remember that she's the grandma not the mom. It's up to you and your husband to raise you child as you see fit; not hers.

When she sends an article about something just delete it and if she asks let her know that you didn't have time to read it. When she gives advice continue to let it go in one ear and out the other. Practice the nod, smile, ignore technique.

Oh dear, that sounds so difficult. What does your husband say to all of this? Does he have the kind of relationship with his mother where he feels comfortable talking to her about her critism of you and your parenting? That would be a great first step.

Otherwise I suspect that biting your tongue will only result in an explosion at some point and that addressing the issue earlier might be the best. You might try opening with "I think you are a wonderful mother, clearly, since I dearly love your son. But there are many different ways of parenting and your constant critism of my approach makes me feel bad. I want to have a great relationship with you, and it is getting in the way. How can we get to a point where we can agree to disagree?"

Hi Alison, You know, I feel that Mother-in-laws mean well but that they need to know when to be quiet. I learned early on with my Mother-in-law who has always been a saint and that I am lucky that way but there were times that she would say and do things differently then I did with my children. I did find that it was best to say ok or that's a good idea and I went ahead and did as I pleased because they were my children. When my children were in her care, she could do as she pleased because she dealt with them. I did what I wanted when they were with me. We have always been good friends because I guess we never got in to things in reference to kids or other family matters. I guess if you have to hear it all the time it can get annoying but if your daughter is doing fine according to your Dr then maybe you could say that you spoke to the Dr about your mother-in-laws concerns and the Dr reassurred you that you are doing what your daughter needs and that she is coming along very nicely. Another thing about Mother-in-laws is one day you will be one. I do think Mother-in-laws get bad raps and it's not fair. I'm not picking on you, I'm just saying in general society gives them a bad name. I'm a mother-in-law to two son-in-laws and I try to stay very simple, keep my thoughts to myself and be the best I can. I think I'm doing okay on that situation. If something is really out of sorts I might say something but parents have to learn to make the decisions for their children and grandparents have to learn that the children are not theirs and trust and respect their children's decisions. Good luck. You sound like you are a very good daughter-in-law and Mom. Grin and bare it and in the long run you will be the better for it. D. xoxo

Hi Allison,
I agree with Jessica D! My own mom (only had me) and of course she thinks that my son should be doing everything I was doing on the same schedule. Not only is each child different, but that was 38 years ago, and things do change! I agree that you should take the MIL to the Dr. appt. Then she can ask questions. I did that in the beginning. Whenever my mom gets on my case about why my son is or isn't doing something I tell her that he's fine and the doctor isn't concerned. It doesn't stop her from giving me advice, but it slows her down and seems to satisfy her that the Dr. isn't concerned.
On the other hand, my MIL lives across country and we rarely see her. :o)

Alison,
Your mother-in-law is way out of line on this one. Your daughter is not her daughter and how you raise her is none of her business. You need to talk to your husband and have him have a conversation with his mother about this. Take if from someone who has been there, done that, if you don't you will end up possibly having your daughter hurt just like mine was. My husband didn't open his mouth until it was too late, my mother-in-law said some nasty stuff about me to my daughter and made her have a breakdown at 12 years old. I came home from school to my daughter histerical and called my husband at work (he just got there) and made him come home. When my daughter told him what his mother said and did and that it was going on for a very long time he snapped; my older 3 have no contact with her and did not see their grandfather before he passed away and my younger 2 have never seen them. I really don't want to see you end up in the same boat so please make your husband say something and stop his mother from flapping her mouth.
Hugs,
T.

no matter what you would say to her it would not end things there. she will talk her tongue and your ear out. trust me. it isn't about the baby. it is about you being wrong and doing things wrong. so smile and say thanks that was great advice, i should try it sometimes and get out of the situation with her.
don't get frustrated. any and all concerns you have, discuss with your doctor, that is IT. also about her not eating enough, say ohh i don't know about that, i think she looks perfect. and walk away
good luck

She doesnt mean to say you are wrong, she just wants to be involved with her grandchild's life. Next time they come for a visit ask her to help you teach the baby something. Make something up. You said the baby is delayed in some area (I cant imagine how an 18 month old can be delayed by 2 months, but thats another question). If she doesnt talk much ask MIL to read to her or sing her songs and then tell how well she is doing whatever. For the rest just nod your head and ignore what she says. Be glad she is involved in her son's life. I also agree with Karen, ask her about her son's babyhood. What he did and when he did it. Get her to tell the baby stories about her dad.

Hugs Alison, I'm sorry that MIL is giving you a tough time.
I think it's great that she has so much interest in her granddaughter, but you and hubby may need to speak with her. Let her know that you appreciate her concern and involvement, but that you are doing what your child's doctor recommends. Let her know that you do your own research and do what your doctor recommends. Let her know that your doctor gives you the resources and articles pertinent to your child, and that she is growing and progressing to your doctor's satisfaction and to yours as well. How does MIL know how much your child eats every day or how much you read to her, does she spend all day every day with you? Babies shouldn't have toys in their crib, cribs are for sleeping and toys are considered to be a danger - let MIL that toys in the crib is old fashioned and not currently recommended. Toys are for playtime.
As for the schedule, let her know that toddlers don't need a schedule and current recommendations are not for strict schedules. If you tell her that your daughter eats dinner around 6:00, then MIL can decide to give her dinner at 6:00. If you say bedtime is around 8:00, MIL can take that to mean 8:00. Let her know that your lifestyle doesn't allow for strict scheduling and that you don't watch the clock to see if it's eating time or bedtime, but that you follow your daughter's cues, as recommended.
Let MIL know that she is entitled to her opinion, but that you and Dh are the parents and are availing yourselves to current knowledge and that your baby is receiving regular medical care and doing just fine! I like Jessica's advice of taking MIL along to baby's checkup so that the doctor can confirm that you are doing all of the right things.
Hugs and good luck'

Welcome to the joys of Mother-in-lawhood after the baby is born. Your MIL sounds just like mine. Does she visit alot? That's how I get through my mil visits. I remind myself that she lives five hours away and only visits 6 or 7 times a year. That's alot too, but she loves to drive. You're doing what you can, let it go in one and out the other. If it gets real bad, talked to hubby and let him deal with mil. I have done that on occasion too. I have a story for you. I became a stay at home Mom while pregnant the second time. Well I decided with #2 I woud have more time so I started to make my own baby food. Just boil and mash veggies and fruit. I would freeze them in ice cube trays and put them baggies. Well that was not good enough for MIL. No matter what I said she would show up on very visit with a case of baby food. Instead of arguing (which never works) I would wait for her to leave and bag it all up. The managers at my local grocery were very good, they would let me return the baby food without a receipt and give me store credit to buy fresh fruit and veggies. They also would get a good laugh and call me a saint for putting up with MIL. Unless you break ties and you know you don't want to do that, just ignore what you can. She means well and I'm sure loves her grandchild to pieces.

hee, hee - I have to laugh, because I hear this about mother-in-laws so often from my friends! There's no point telling her to stop - she'd never listen to that. If I were you, I'd give it right back at her - if she's fat, make comments on what foods SHE shouldn't be eating, and how she's eating too much. Or if she's a healthy size, make comments how she should drink more milk or her hips will break, etc. E-mail her some articles about it too - see how she feels about it! And if she gets angry, just say you're showing concern just like she does for your daughter. Unless she's a real #&#%$, she'll probably stop meddling.

Be glad she doesn't live with you. My MIL counts my son's calories, protien, and fat; because he's so skinny. She gets realy mad if he doesn't get enough fat. Yes there's a schedule that I'd love to burn. Basically we just try to live with it and find ways around the chaos. I figure just a few more years and our son will be too old to "push around." All I can say is God Bless you. Maybe you can get a punching bag to punch after she leaves for stress relief. What helps me a little is that I keep trying to think positive...Rather than thinking, "she's controling," I try to think, "she means well." Standing up only makes matters worse.

This is not an easy situation. While it's important to appreciate that she wants to be involved, she needs to understand that you are mommy and you are doing what you think is best. IT'S YOUR RIDE NOW. I think you will have to find a way (you and daddy) to confront her in a gentle way. The problem I foresee is when she continues to pick on everything you do, will she continue forever? Will she do it in front of the child when she's able to understand? What will this teach your child? What does this do for you when you have to constantly bite your tongue? I'm sorry, but I think keeping quiet is reverting back to a child-like role just to please her. In my experience, the explosion in a case like this is usually inevitable unless she is confronted. You are a mom doing your best and you don't need that. Once again, she needs to be confronted. I think it's easier than cleaning up after an explosion. Best of luck to you.

Hi Alison,
I experienced nearly the same thing w/ my MIL, and in our case its more cultural than anything.

My son is now 6 and has a slight build, purely genetic from my side of the family, which should serve him well later in life. He's consistently been @ the 50th %ile in weight since birth and 90th for height, making him taller for his age & lean. In her defense, in my MIL's culture/homeland, if you don't have a roly poly baby, it may not survive!

But that doesn't make it easy to handle the chatter sometimes. You could try bringing her with you to the next dr appt to hear for herself.That was helpul in my case. You could also give her some kind of a schedule when she's caring for her to see if that @ least makes her feel better.

Beyond the food, no parent can ideally do everything they want to for/with their kids all the time. That's what grandparents are for! Suggest that reading together can be one of their special activities together and will augment what you ____@____.com luck. I know how aggravating it can be, but also remind yourself how lucky you are to have them nearby and involved for the extra support to you and their relationship with your daughter.

what does your husband say? It is really up to him to approach HIS mother and say although you both appreciate her advice sometimes it can be hurtful when it is repeatly said. Im sure your mom in law knows you are not starving your child or doing anything that would be harmful to her so tell your husband to take it upon himself to have a discussion with her about keeping her comments to herself. Advice is great BUT only when requested-best of luck.S

Dear Alison,

Mothers, in-laws, they all think they are helping. The unwritten rule is never approach or confront the in-laws. I tell my husband to do it and make sure he lets them know it is his idea. I am 45 years old and I have never once had a bad word with any of my in-laws of which there are many. My husband has a big family. They don't always do or say what I like, but I let him know and then he takes care of it. You and your husband come first. Not your in-laws. Because if you think they are being ridiculous now wait until you confront them with something? I know it is hard because they come over alot - and that is something you have to curb as well by setting boundaries. Tell them you are wiped out, or you are going out or the baby isn't feeling well, you are not feeling well, you won't be home because you are going to a "how to be a good parent to infants" seminar and it is very time consuming. These things you can say even if you have to lie to save the peace. I hope this helps. Don't give them the chance to get your goat. If telling your husband doesn't help, then lie, lie lie. Never tell them how you feel. It will not be a happy ending.

I hope this helps. This comes from experience. My mom lives next door.

C.

I totally understand. My MIL does the same thing sometimes. I just try to ignore it or pretend to listen. If she gets to be too much, my husband tells her to back off. I think if you should have your husband talk to her. He can voice his concerns and ask her to back off a bit on the advice and make it sound like he is the one that is annoyed by her comments and "help" so that you don't have to be the bad guy. Since she is his mother, she will not be as upset hearing it come from him rather than you.

HI Alison
What an interesting email!!!
Your MIL wants to be involved in her granddaughters life.
You are doing well to try to not be upset, she is just trying to find something to say.
My MIL was an angel. My mother liked to continue to mother me, however. This is the deal.It is her granddaughter and she isn't going to hurt her, or you would be asking different questions. So instead of waiting for her to intervene, ask her questions about what you do want to know. Stories of when DH was small, and what he did when and the like. Times have changed alot in the decades since she raised your DH. Lots of things are different. Lots of foods eggs, peanut butter, and honey to name a few were never given til 2-3 yo. Now our son is giving egg yolks as our grandson's first food. Yikes!!! It was with the MD's blessing. What could I say?!!!
Any time your MIL says we did it this way. My interpretation of what you said, you say "MD said to do it this way" "Today we wouldn't risk the paint of products from China" Well you get the picture!! Instead of holding it in, tell her how times have changed without calling her an old lady, behind the times. Also ask about stories, she might tell you about him climbing out of the crib, or jumping off the refrigerator, things even he might never have heard. I did.
God bless you and all your decisions
K. SAHM married 38 years == adult children 37, coach; 33, lawyer, married with son; and twins 18 in college.

Alison, honey, she's not going to listen to you. As far as she's concerned, she's got eons more experience than you, and knows it all. Of course, times and practices change, and that's a hard thing for Grandmothers to embrace. Do yourself a favor. Let blow by whatever you can. As for the developmental issues and the eating issues, take your mother in law to your next pediatrician appointment. Let her ask the Doctor all of her questions, air out all of her concerns, and the nice man in the white coat can tell her she's wrong. Then it's from an "Expert", and it's not an issue between the two of you.

Have your husband talk to to them explain what you explained above and tell them that you are a great mom! Then have him ask them to back of because you are following all the doctor recomendations and the doctor says she is doing great. You may cause big trouble if you blow up but if their SON talks to them they may not like it but it may change how they speek and act to you. A.

HI,
I am not sure if you are still looking for responses and I didn't read those that already responded. My best advice is to come up with a few canned resposes for everything she says. Something like "The doctor thinks she is fine, let's let the doctor do his job" or "Don't worry about a schedule, just enjoy your time with her". Finally "Thank you for your concern. We have it under control".

Remember when she was raising her kids, there were all kinds of things that were different. My mother-in-law smoked and drank wine while pregnant. They didn't know better not to. In fact things were different from when I had my daughter 7 years ago til I had my son 4 years ago til now.

Good luck
D. V