My adult daughter and I are basically on fairly good terms. I would like to know how to approach her with how I feel when she doesn't answer or return my calls, doesn't answer texts, doesn't answer my emails. I know she is busy but I notice she is on FB so should have a few minutes to reply. She lives over 800 miles away so I can't just hop in the car to visit her. I had relatives here for a visit and we called her so everyone could say "hi". We had to leave a message and she never called back.
I just don't know why she is just avoiding all ways of connecting with her. I don't call very often--just once or everyother week.
I try to email once a week just to share about what's happened during the week. Her dad hasn't been well and would think she would call to see how he is feeling. There is such a feeling of detachment. She was adopted at 3 mos. so I'm beginning to wonder if this has a deep-seated reason for her feeling so distant, etc. I don't feel this is the ordinary way of keeping in touch with your own parents. If she's upset with us about something we know nothing about, I would want her to express her feelings so we could do something about it. Whatever advice or suggestions anyone would have would be most appreciated. My heart is aching.
Does she have children or a hectic work schedule?
My mom and I often play phone tag. I'm so busy chasing after my children that I often either cannot find my phone or do not notice it ringing.
Why are you making it personal? Why do you think it has anything to do with you doing something wrong or upsetting her?
Ahh, somehow I missed the adopted part. Let me tell you what I told my mom hundreds of times, with any luck you will believe it though my mom never did. "You are the only mom I have ever known! You are my mom!" She went to her grave always feeling like I didn't love her as much as I would have had she been my bio mom. I never pulled away because of that but you have no idea how much that hurt me. I couldn't love her any more but she always needed more love. Don't do that to your daughter! She can't love you any more than she does so don't see everything as a sign she doesn't love you.
Please you don't know me, you have no reason to listen to me, but don't do that!!
My older daughter does the same thing, she is busy as heck, nothing more! She is my bio daughter, I know she loves me. If it takes her a couple days to get back to me I just smile because she is living her life! I raised her to be independent and dammit she is!
Please don't be like my mom, please accept she loves you, deeply, you are her mom! She is just busy.
How old is she?
I would not be so quick to presume that her distance has anything whatsoever to do with being adopted.
Certain stages of my life, I was pretty darn distant from my parents. They didn't do anything wrong. It was just the stage of life I was at. Pretty much all through my 20's. Of course, back then, nobody had facebook (ha!) and not everyone had cell phones and internet at home. In fact, few people did. Certainly not my parents, nor me as a single person on a tight budget.
But even without it running up my phone bill dramatically (it was long distance), I still wouldn't have been calling or returning calls as often as it sounds like would make you happy. Every other week at the most. If they happened to catch me home and they called me, then we talked. But rarely did I place the call. Not because I didn't care. Not because they had done anything wrong.
But they didn't call all that often. And neither did I. I was the third of 3 kids to leave the nest, and they understood it was just that phase. That spreading of the wings and leaving the nest....
That is what you need to understand as well.
Technology is great. But don't use it to drown her. Give her space. Don't expect her to call you every week. If you are calling leaving messages every week, she will never feel the need to call YOU. Give her space through this phase. Unless you have reason to believe there is something else going on (abusive boyfriend, drugs, etc), then you just have to back off.
You guys are family, if there are skeletons in the closet you should know. For the same reason, it should be natural to, at least, text her a "what's wrong?" or a "I'd like to talk to you" just to clear the air from alla the shadows her odd behavior is creating. It is NOT normal in my book to not return calls and to not care about a sick parent. Also is bad for your health to bottle in your concerns and ache, I disagree with the people saying to give her some space. It doesn't look like you are intrusive or trying to be. But, like I said, you only know what happened between the two of you. I would talk to her and resolve. No good comes from wondering.
Are you on Facebook? Perhaps that is her only mode of communication. You don't have to post to each other's walls - you can have private communications. Just a thought. I do think you need to be honest and ask, gently, if there is something she is upset about/hurt by/etc. Could be something you don't even realize or could be as simple as she is busy/overwhelmed by life. If you are 800 miles away, does she have any family close by helping out? I know I don't and it makes things tough sometimes. Also, be honest with yourself, when you call do you go on and on? My mom did that and it was hard to find time to talk to her b/c I would have to carve out an hour + which just wasn't possible 99% of the time. That said, my mom passed away unexpectedly in 2007 and I miss her and would love to have a few of those hours back. Something for your daughter to think about... In my opinion, be honest, open, gentle and ask questions then be sure to listen so that the two of you can come to a loving compromise. Good luck.
I'm sorry, that is so hard. I can't give you the words, but I've always found that the direct approach works best. In the most unblaming way you can (you may have to edit this a few times), send her a relatively brief, heart-felt letter telling her your feelings, and including the sentiments expressed in the last four sentences of your post.
There is a fine line between expressing your emotions and sounding like you are trying to guilt trip your kids, who are still on their own journeys of self-discovery in their 20's, so take a few days and read what you have written many times before you send it. To me, telling her your heart is aching is a good thing to include.
If there is nothing wrong, and it is just as Victoria says (which is quite possible), your daughter will probably apologize and try to respond more often.
It hurts. Good luck with it.
The only way to find an answer, is to ask her.
Not in a, heavy handed accusatory or guilt ridden way... (because that will turn her off). But in a regular innocent way, that is adult like.
Because basically, your asking her would be just an innocent question. You are wondering something...and not accusing her of something, but just really are wondering, why... she is not responsive.
There is no way to answer for her or to even surmise something. Until, you have an answer directly from her own mouth.
And the thing is: her Dad, is not well. Is he, wondering this as well? Maybe HE can call her???? Instead.
I have a sibling that is so hot and cold. Has been that way all her life.
And, there is no way, to even predict why. She has her own life. And whatever moods she's in, it is HER. Not us. Even when my own Dad was ill, she was just, not available much. And she didn't see what the problem was, that WE had, with that. Some people are just, not what we "expect" them to be. But there is nothing wrong with ASKING that person, if they got our messages or why they don't respond.
Or, maybe your daughter has problems of her own. Which you know nothing about. Thus, "assuming" that she is just ignoring you all... is not going to help.
Hi, A.:
Sad to say, this is happening often in our society. Write her how you feel using I statements.
Follow this guideline:
1. State what you thought when you realized what had happened. (Her not returning your texts, or whatever is happening.)
2. Tell her what impact (not returning calls, fb) this is having on you and others.
3. Tell her what has been the hardest thing for you.
4. Tell her what you think needs to happen to make things right.
If she doesn't respond. Let her go and find a replacement. Get involved in other childrens lives.
Good luck.
D.
I would give her some space. Don't assume anything's wrong. She's probably just trying to live her own life and establish some independence. You could gently tell her that it hurts your feelings when she doesn't respond to your messages (it is pretty rude). But cut her some slack.
May I add another perspective? Sometimes when I notice a post from someone meaningful in my life I wait to make a more personal response later. If you guys don't have an established "call me" time or day, that might be a good thing to work on to help you work on your communication.
I LOVE my parents with all my heart, but my family life is so very busy and for some weird reason my parents refuse to call my cell phone. So, we agree to call each other every Saturday. It confirms that we will speak on a regular basis and keep in touch.
IMHO, family business is too private for FB. Try to reach out and connect on a more personal level and I will cross my fingers for a good result :)
