I was wondering what other moms thought about the following: My older brother, for reasons completely unknown to me and for the first time ever, didn't bother to return two calls I'd made to him two to three months ago. I know he received the messages, because I'd mentioned the 1st unreturned call to our mom, who mentioned it to him, and he acknowledged having received my message, but just hadn't gotten around to calling me back.
Since it's fairly clear (no precedent, 2 messages) he's purposely blowing me off and I don't want to beg him to deign to speak with me, I've simply stopped trying to reach him.
Fast forward, Thanksgiving is approaching, and I invited my mom over to our house for dinner. The questions is, what to do about my brother and his daughters? He'd spoken to our mom recently asking about what she was going to do for Thanksgiving, but didn't invite her to get together with him. It seems I'm put in a big bind, because if I don't invite him for Thanksgiving I'd be exacerbating the mystery rift that seems to have come up, but if I do it's as if I'm trying to force myself on him, begging him, etc. (I'm am still a bit hurt and teed off that he didn't bother to return -- not one -- but two calls from me.) An objective viewpoint or two about this would be of great help. Thanks!
Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm not insecure as one person wrote. As far as Thanksgiving, they came and it was fine.
I have been in a similar circumstance and when it came to Holidays...I ignored the obvious, I invited the person reguardless of what happened. If they came, they came if not I was the bigger person...Hope I helped...:)
I have 4 brothers & 4 sisters, and we've never all gotten along at the same time. Just send him an email saying you'd like to have him over for Thanksgiving, but if he can't make you'd understand. He'll talk about his issue at some point or another-maybe have mom do some recognisance!
Honestly I would just call him one more time. If you can't think of any particular reason for him to not be speaking to you then there's no reason for you to feel like you have no right to call. just make a simple phone call and say "hey, I'm guessing you've been busy lately since I haven't heard from you but I wanted to let you know that we will be having Thanksgiving dinner at our house this year. Mom will be there and we'd love you have you, your wife, and kids over if you don't already have plans." End of story.... if he doesn't respond to that then I would ask your mom to politly intervene and ask him if he plans to come and if not see if she can find out why. I can't tell you how many times my sister has called me once, twice, or even three times before I get the chance or remember to call her back. Life can get really hectic sometimes and if he doesn't have a specific need to talk to you he may just keep inadvertantly putting you on the back burner. Don't take it personal just yet... if he ignores your Thanksgiving invite and does not bother to call for Christmas you may then begin to really think something's wrong...for now give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he's just so busy that calling you back has slipped his mind. Good luck, and i hope all is well for the holidays.
It sounds like you feel a bit insecure. Please don't take offense to this, though. Has he told your mother he is mad at you? If he said he forgot to call you back, maybe he really is just busy. I know that I have forgotten to call lots of people back but it doesn't mean I was mad at them. Don't worry about forcing yourself on him, he's your brother... it's not like you're trying to win over a man such as a boyfriend or something. So... I think you should call him again. If you get the recording again, just leave a casual message that you are having Thanksgiving dinner at your house and would love for him and his daughters to join. Maybe say something like, I know you're really busy, but can you please call me back to let me know if you are coming so I know how much food to prepare. I don't know you or your brother or anything about your relationship, but my first instinct on this is that he was probably just busy and didn't know it would hurt you if he didn't call you back. Now, if there is something that you can think of that he MIGHT be mad at you for, I still think you should call him again. This is your brother. Family is forever. None of us knows the hour of our death; we shouldn't take the next day for granted. Do it today. If you think he may be mad at you, call and say, "hey (so-and-so), I called you a few times and haven't heard back from you so I started thinking maybe you're mad at me. Please call me so we can talk about it." Do invite him for Thanksgiving.
Be the bigger man and invite him. It can't hurt.
Hey K.,
Not knowing the two of you here is my advice. He may be going through something he may not be ready to talk about yet. Be the bigger person and invite him to dinner. The holidays are about family and no matter what they have done or "forgot" to do if your love is unconditional (and they haven't perpetrated physical or emotional harm on you or your family) then pick up the phone, leave a light teasing message and invite him and offer to let him bring a SO if he has one hiding in the trunk or something silly to make him smile. You don't have to like your family, but love makes you reach out when you really don't want to.
C.
This is what you do. Call your brother up, say "hey man, haven't talked to you in a while. I hope everything is alright. Hey, don't forget Thanksgiving dinner will be at my house, and I'll see you then!" And leave it alone. We all tend to put expectations on family members and friends as to how we think they need to behave. Most the time it's just silly. Unless he is being harmful or something like that to your children, then GET OVER IT!! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE PETTY!!!! I don't mean that as rude as it sounds, I PROMISE!! lol
Good luck,
april
I would definatly invite him over just because you never know. He may have been busy, I am the worlds worst at calling people back, and sometimes I will go forever without doing so. Also, just point blank ask him whats going on. Don't be rude about it, just tell him you would like to know.
You need to call your brother, getting that mad about two missed calls is a bit extreme. He may be in a predicament himself and didnt want to talk.
Im in the same boat as you, but it was because my brother neglected to visit my dying father or return any calls from from my mother before or since my dads death (March 3rd). Even I know I still need to call my brother, the holidays are about your family, no matter what kind of jackasses they are the rest of the year.
Dear K.:
Call again. He may have been busy.
Regards,
W.
guys just dont always return calls. Unless he told you are you saw with your own eys that he is mad at you I would not assume he was. Invite him over and see what happens. He is family and that is important. Maybe he just forgot or was too busy, you should always assume the best not the worst.
Good luck
Dear K., Go ahead and invite him as if everything is normal. I am so guilty of failing to return people's calls, and I hope nobody ever thinks I am avoiding them because of that. Its just that, if I don't have time to return the call immediately, chances are I will forget to do so later. It's weird that he's never failed to return your calls before, but he may be busier than usual. So, no offense, but "Don't borrow trouble" when there may be no trouble at all to start with. You'll have a good idea if there really IS a problem when you find out how he responds to your invitation. Good luck, T
Call him. Invite him. Don't put your mother in the middle -- its not fair to her, as you are both her children.
write him a simple note saying that you are concerned that maybe there is a problem that you are not aware of and you would like to resolve it. If there is no problem and he is just busy (as most of us are) then allow him to save face by understanding that life can be overwhelming and returnign calls to adult siblings may not always be at the top of our priority list. If he does not respond then you have gone above and beyond and no need to worry any further about TG invitations. If he responds then you both have the opportunity to communicate as adults and resovle the issue. Either way, focus on the positives in yoru own life and dont let the actions of others, that you cannot control, cause you stress.
Like everyone else maybe he is just busy or being a guy.
My advice would be to e-mail all the people that you have invited to Thanksgiving and ask them to RSVP to ensure that you have enough food. Make a flyer like e-mail with decorations and what not. If he doesn't respond casually ask your mom "do you know what tommy is doing for Thanksgiving?". If she doesn't know drop him a call and if he still doesn't answer left a message stating exactly what you want.
Hope this helps...
L.
Thanksgiving is a gimme. It's perfectly normal to invite him to a family event like that, and it won't come off as begging the way an impromptu invite may appear.
If you don't get him into your space, you can't figure out what's eating him, so invite away. And you have to work at this family thing, anyway. You're stuck with 'em. :)
If he still doesn't come, and he still doesn't want to talk to you, then you probably have a problem, and you'll have to find another way to tackle it, but Thanksgiving is a GREAT time to pull im in for a tete-a-tete.
Good luck!
Be the kind of person you would like your children to be and ignore the perceived slight and invite your brother to Thanksgiving. Two unreturned phone calls are not worth potentially creating a larger rift in the family by not extending an invitation to a family holiday.
I'd invite them. That gets the burden off you and makes him decide if they're coming or not. Once you make the invitation, the ball is in his court.
Invite him anyway. rift or not, he is still your brother.
Why don't you try comming right out and telling him that he seems to be distant lately and ask if everything is ok. see if you can get him to open up and talk to you.
if you don't know of any reason there may be a rift between you, it may just be that he is busy...go ahead and invite him...tell him if he doesn't have any plans already he is welcome to spend thanksgiving with you and yours
I would get your mom to invite your brother over. Just have her ask him to join y'all together as a family for Thanksgiving dinner. If there's something going on, maybe he'd let your mom know why he can't make it to your place.
This is your brother. Forever. Dont give up on him. Two unreturned messages does not warrant being ousted from your family. Number one, he is a guy. If I flipped on one of my 3 brothers everytime they didnt call me back, I would be brotherless right now. Number two, (I agree with the other mom) he very possibly is going through something that he dosent want to talk about right now, your blind support could be the thing that get's him through. Be the sister you know you are and love him and invite him to Thanksgiving.
Call your brother and enjoy the holidays. Don't look too much into the not returned calls. Put the past behind you...hakuna matata!
