Is This RUDE or What?? I'm at My Limit!!!

Yes, they are rude. Dont worry about it, be thankful you're not as clueless as them and stop inviting them and dont stress about it.

I've learned to not get so upset about people like this - just stop inviting them and don't babysit for them. Done.

Hmmm, well yuck. But you can't contol what they do, can you?

I'd choose peace, maybe they'll be there, maybe they won't....

:)

I would just stop inviting them.

You can't change their behavior. Only the way your respond to it.

Stop inviting them. Don't babysit.
Detatch yourself from this emotionally. It's not worth the stress.

Yes, it IS rude. It's clear they don't care, so you don't need to either.

I would take it to mean that they don't really want to come, so I'd quit inviting them. If they ever asked why they didn't get invited to something I'd simply say "well we figured you'd have something better to do"

Stop inviting them to things! Tell them if they would like to come over or make some plans to get together, to let you know, and then you will let them know what you have going on... otherwise, plan your events as usual.

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Hi Mom2Girls,

Just because people are family doesn't mean they have manners.

First, just let it go - they are causing you way more stress than you need to expend on them.

Second, since they are family, just keep inviting them - just more casually - "Oh,Hi Bob, we are having a get together on Sunday - feel free to drop by". Then make your plans and don't figure them into the head count.

Their response "Well, we’ll have a date night soon and then you can come over to our house and watch the baby for us.” made me think that they feel that you only want to see the baby and not them? Just a random thought.

Either way, Mom2Girls, just let it go. You know they will very likely not come to your gatherings, so don't stress over it. Yes, it is rude and hurtful - but you can control your reactions to them. You cannot control their actions or make them change their boorish behavior.

Just have your gatherings and enjoy the people who do come and have fun.

I think you need to let go of the control and anger. Sorry not what you want to hear lol. Invite them and move on. Are you having the party in their honor? if not then who cares if they come or not? Don't plan on them unless you hear from them. Its really in the grandscheme of life not something to waste your time and energy on. Its rude. no question but don't let it eat you up inside. and as for them having a date night so you can babysit. yes tell them to shove off lol

I agree with B. Yes, it's rude. Stop inviting them over. Sometimes I guess you have to, i.e. if you're hosting the family gathering for Christmas. But don't feel obligated to invite them to Super Bowl parties and the like. They obviously don't appreciate the invitation anyway. Stop giving them opportunities to upset you.

It sounds like you are really hooked on them as company and your get togethers just arent fun without them? I'd cut the string and realize that when you invite someone to something it doesnt mean they are going to come. If I get several offers we weigh them out and go to the one that we think we will enjoy the most OR to the one that we feel obligated to go to if we havent seen those people in quite some time. I would hate to think my showing up or not showing up was going to make or break the party, thats a lot of responsibility to put on a guest.
Some people are slow RSVP'rs if they rsvp at all. You just have to know who those people are in your life and compensate for it.
I think you are competing too hard for their attention and for what reason?
Invite them at the last minute from now on, that way you can get the instant decision and be done with it. If they want to be with you they will, if they dont they wont. I dont think it's rude really. You guys are obviously not number one in their book of who to hang out with, realize that and move on. That doesnt mean you dont invite them in the future, but you know their pattern and you cant change them, so you just have to deal with it as it is. If you beg them to be more prompt it makes you sound a little needy for their attendance.

I would probably invite them and give them a deadline for accepting/declining for headcount purposes. If they cancel afterwards, then don't invite them anymore.

Added: I just wanted to say that a lot of us are afflicted with unintentionally rude relatives and it can really cause friction. My husband and I live 5 hours away from the rest of our families (they all live within an hour of each other.. both sides of the family, all within 1 hour of all the rest-- except for us). So, when we get together at holidays, we typically are at someone up THERE's house. My brother is ALWAYS late for whatever it is. And there is always a meal involved. My mom/dad always hold the meal for them, and the rest of us have to wait. Of course, often, my mom is late getting the meal finished anyway... but that's another issue (and it isn't from lack of help on our part). Anyway... it infuriates my husband, because the way he sees it, WE are basically deemed insignificant by my parents. They make us wait until my brother and his family shows up before whatever the planned event/meal can start. And they are ALWAYS at LEAST an hour late. It causes a lot of friction with my husband... and I am caught in the middle. It makes me hate to go visit.. even though I love my family and my brother and his family. It is just extremely rude. I'm sure my brother wouldn't care if we started without them, he would probably be fine and completely "get it".. but my mom won't proceed, but yet will complain that "we know THEY won't be here on time" blah blah blah.. .they BOTH are inconsiderate of the rest of us, and justify it by blaming the OTHER party! It really makes me angry since I am coming to agree with my husband that we are valued less. It's not like WE can show up late as well (not to be mean or get back at them.. but just to be busy doing something or snacking ahead of time elsewhere)... b/c we stay at mom's when we visit so we are already there!
I have learned to limit the number of times a year we get together so that I just don't have to subject myself or my spouse to it. I totally get where you are coming from. Infuriating, I know.

I agree with the general sentiment, this is ultra rude!! It makes me laugh a little because it sounds exactly like my sister who refuses to commit to any plans. Even when I was getting married she told me she couldn't commit to going to the pre-wedding events, even the rehearsal/dinner, because I was asking her too far in advance (she was the maid of honor btw). She also likes to get offended when she won't commit to our invitations and then shows up and sees that we didn't plan for her to be there and don't have vegetarian foods for her.

Ultimately, she is family and no matter how obnoxious or annoying it is that she does this, I will still invite her to everything, keep my expectations low and include her in the head count whether she shows up or not. I just had to learn how to let it go and not bother me (which I'm still working on). BUT, I won't go out of my way to do things for her when she isn't able to return the favor. This helps me not get upset because I don't feel like she owes me anything.

I would say keep inviting your family just because they are family. Keep your expectations low and you can't be disappointed, and don't go out of your way to do them any favors.

Stop inviting them and don't babysit for them. Its their lost not yours.

The simple answer is to just stop inviting them. Or if you must invite them to things like holidays or larger gatherings, then don't hold your breath waiting for them to come.
Take their power away. I'm not saying that they're doing this to hurt you, but it's quite obvious you're not their #1 choice for company. So, why should they be your #1 choice? I would say to them "We're having a Super Bowl party on Sunday at X time. We'd love to have you over." And leave it at that. Don't ask them if they're coming, don't be offended if they don't show up. If you're planning food, count them in. It's always better to have too much food than not enough.
If you host a family gathering and they decide to show up 3 hours late, so be it. Don't hold food or anything else for them. If they come late and the meal is finished and the food is cleaned up, tough luck for them. They can go to McDonald's and eat.
As far as you watching their child while they have a date night...well, it depends on how much you want to see their baby. I would tell them that if they want to use you as a sitter, they're responsible for bringing the baby to your house and picking the baby up. But, I'm sure they'll take advantage, so you'd have to carefully weigh the pros and cons of that situation.
Honestly, the only thing you can really do is to control your own actions. Try not to let it bother you if they hang out with your neighbors instead of you. Or better yet, invite the whole group over to the Super Bowl Party :)

Stop inviting them. When they see you aren't playing into their game anymore, they will ask you why you stopped? You can simply say the truth and that is they are constantly holding you up on your plans to figure out if their neighbor is going on to have something better for them to do....Your sick of it and your not going to take it anymore! As for babysitting, tell them HELL NO will I babysit! Best wishes---

M

Wow. Do not invite them anymore. Period. SUPER RUDE! They are used to being the darlings with people competing for their company. Back out of that race. They'll come around occasionally by self invitation when they realize there are no invites. And sitting for them on date night? Maybe once their behavior has improved.

Go about your business..It is rude but you have no control over it. I can understand it being family it is hurtful but oh well...keep the invites casual but don't hold your breath and don't let it hold up your plans. Otherwise stop the invitations to them. They'll get the message.

That is so rude and obnoxious. However at this point, it is what it is. Now you know what to expect from them. Just give them an invitation and then assume they aren't coming. Dont expect an rsvp. If they show up great if not whatever their loss. Not worth getting so upset over. FUGHETTABOUTIT!

we have a cousin like this. We asked her last year if she'd like to come over for her birthday and she wouldn't commit even though she had no plans for sure.. So we told her on the spot, ok we understand, maybe next year.. right then and there she says, oh I might be free... but we didn't buy it.. we said, oh no we understand, no worries, we'll just do it some other time. for which we didn't... she's done this kind of stuff over and over.. will say, I can come for lunch but I MUST leave at 1:30pm.. (leaving her an out) then low and behold she stays til 3pm.... always the person looking for a better offer..
sadly, she doesn't get invited to as many things.. her loss.. I don't like head games and won't play them with her at all. I invite her but I don't wait around to see if she decides to show... if she does fine. if not.. that's find too..

OH MY WORD!!! Your brother and his wife told you that YOU can come over and watch the kids?! How about stringing them along until the day of and saying! "oops! so sorry!!!" I know - that's bad...but really? maybe if they receive a taste of their own medicine...but wait - this isn't a "sometime" thing they do - it's an EVERY TIME thing they do - so they won't get it. Don't bother with them.

It's BEYOND rude what they are doing. Stop inviting them to ANY function. If they ask - just say - 'hey look - you can't keep string us along - we need to know if you are coming...we got tired of you telling us yes then canceling at the last moment.."

I realize you want to know how to plan for the occasion - but in many cases, you don't need to have an RSVP - just tell people what's happening and plan for the "regulars' to show up....i always make enough to feed an army anyway....so if they show - great! if they don't... oh well...their loss and more guacamole for us!! YAHOO!!!

We had some family members always doing this. We stopped inviting them to stuff. One year my FIL guilted them into coming to Thanksgiving, but after that even he stopped doing it. They now have an open invitation, but are never considered in the plans for things. So that is what I would do, no more invites, I wouldn't do the stringing along thing though, that would be intentional to slam in their face so I wouldn't do it.

I would simply stop inviting them. Why bother?

Here's a great joke: The Packers are going to win the Super Bowl. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Go Steelers!

Yes, it is rude imho.

No, I would not retaliate nor would I give them any attention (negative or othewise) for this behavior. Perhaps they subconsciosly get some sort of "kick" out of playing this game. The only way to "win" is to stop playing the game with them.

The only thing I would do is STOP inviting them. If family members hassle you about it tell them the truth in as diplomatic a way as possible; i.e., "we've invited them numerous times and rarely hear back from them or they cancel at the last minute - we don't want to put them on the spot anymore."

That is exactly what I would do and I wouldn't discuss it any further with family members or anyone else.

Good luck.

Yes, their behavior is rude.
And they are not in the least bothered when you called them on it.
They are actually proud of it.
The only thing you can do is stop inviting them (and don't baby sit for them).
That solves it as far as you are concerned.

it's very hard. you can try to improve it by stating 'we need an answer by xy date or we will assume you are not coming.' if that doesn't do the trick, you will have to decide whether or not you love 'em enough to deal with it.
i have a brother who refuses to come to any gatherings except christmas. this past year he not only missed dinner but the gift exchange, coming in right as some other family members were leaving. we had to haul out all the food that had been put away, and then when they left they 'forgot' the gifts that had been brought for them.
i was annoyed and my dh was seriously pissed that my hard work in putting the event together was so casually tossed off. but my only recourse is to cut off the only contact i have with that brother. so i'll grit my teeth and deal, but next time i'm not going to bring out the food! if he's that late he can jolly well stop on the way home and eat.
of course, this is only once a year. in your case, i'd stop inviting them unless it's a very casual situation where their late (or non) arrival won't really impact anything, such as a cookout, and i would definitely decline babysitting.
khairete
S.

I am not so formal in my plans. I tell people I am having a get together and then if they come fine if not well, they missed out. If you really need to have a head count then maybe don't invite them in the first place. If it's the snacks and stuff then tell them to bring X and X, basically their own snacks and don't plan on them being there. That way no one misses their contribution.

Stop inviting them when you require RSVP's.

Otherwise invite them and fix enough food so if they come they will be fed and if they don't then you'll have plenty of food for everyone else. They will eventually get the message, the message they are sending you is that you are VERY low on their ideal friend list.

I only skimmed a dozen or so of your responses and tend to agree with the majority here. I did want to give you a different perspective, though. My husbands family is very large, and they have a million parties and gatherings. I love this, but it is very difficult to maintain friendships or any life outside of the family. We always laugh about how his aunt used to say "same place, same time next year!" every Easter before we left. (Not that there was somewhere else we wanted to be. It was just symbolic of how everything is set before you can even think of doing something else.) That being said, it does sound like they use you as a plan B. It's rude, and I wouldn't invite them to as many events.

They are rude. Stop inviting them. Or, inlcude them with an invitation via email or text, but don't plan on them coming or waste your time following up with them. Just plan on them not coming, that way you won't be disappointed if they don't show up.

Unfortunately, I think this is their issue, and it isn't something that you can solve, you can only prevent yourself from getting worked up over it.

I agree, their behavior is wrong. But please, don't sink to their level and play their games. It never works.

I guess be glad that if they do come they are nice to be around. I have two brothers who are mad at each other, mad at me and mad at my sister. The only time they will be around us/each other is at funerals. So I guess you have to look on the bright side.

I find that extremely rude. If it only happened once or twice it would be acceptable but EVERYTIME they're invited to anyone's function is just plain rude. Personally I would just not invite them to anything for a while. They will hear about it and ask you why they were not invited. Simply say "I attempted to talk to you about you not RSVPing in a timely fashion or just showing up whenever you feel like it. It makes it very hard to plan a menu. Numerous times you say your coming and then back out at the last minute to go elsewhere. I'm putting out money for food and drinks for people who don't show up. It's just not in the budget for me to waste money or my time. Since you can't be bothered to RSVP I just stopped inviting you." We've done this with several of my hubby's family. Now the ones who actually want to be included have expressed that to us and are invited and DO rsvp as requested.

I find it very telling of their "all about us" attitude by his reply about you coming over to watch the baby. I absolutely would agree to watch the child and then not show up. When he calls you simply say, "sorry a better offer came along." Some people actually need to be shown how it feels to be treated so disrespectfully. Since no one else has done this to them they see no reason to change their behaviour. They may be upset with you at first and tell you how rude you where. That's when I would say "I totally agree with you, I was really rude and disrespectful of you and your plans. And that's exactly what you two have been doing to all of us for years."

Stop inviting them to stuff. They're taking you for granted just because you're family. Seriously, just stop inviting them to your gatherings and save yourself the headache. Oh, and obviously tell them to get their own babysitter.

Sounds like they have a terminal case of "Friends are for fun, family's just an obligation."

Please don't stoop to some of the tricks suggested -- saying yes to babysitting then not turning up, making backhanded comments. Just stop expecting them.

Did you mostly just tell them to learn some manners? Did you also make crystal clear to them what they're doing that's offensive? They sound like people who might be utterly clueless that their behavior puts others out, because they're the center of their universe. They may never understand what they're doing but you owe yourself a chance to explain it to them adult to adult.

I'd give them one last, very calm, statement, and don't do it when you have an event being planned -- do it at a time when there is no event on the horizon to worry you.

Maybe try something like: "We give you specific invitations to specific events and you either never get back to us or, at the last second, don't turn up. It's confusing and hurtful to us, even if you don't intentionally mean to hurt us. We're aware you're often waiting to see what your friends are doing and choose those activites over ours. We feel that you clearly choose your friends over your family and you do that very reliably and consistently. We've got friends too and like to do things with them. We're not asking you to choose us every time, just to exercise some courtesy. Give us a yes or no when asked, and then stick to what you say. But that doesn't seem to work for you, so from now on we'll let you know about family events but will not expect you there. If you turn up that is great, we'd love to see you and the baby, but if you don't turn up, we won't mind." Then let them know by e-mail rather than calling, so you don't have to get into discussions on the phone.

It sounds like your family lives close together; that may make them feel they can see you any old time, so what's the big deal about this or that specific get-together? I'm not saying this is the right attitude, but I am saying that this may be how they think -- that your invitations are casually meant, and can be casually treated. They may feel that "we could drop by any time," so they just don't get that these events are EVENTS to you. Just a thought on their possible perspective. I agree it's not the best perspective, and the result is extremely rude, but it's just something to think about before you go to them with a really clear statement about why you are so hurt.

i would just stop inviting them for family events (excluding holidays and such) and if they want to come they can let you know how ever far in advance you want just like you do with everyone else and i would tell the family the same

Well first it bugs me when people act the way your brother and sil act. It is possible they don't even realize they are being inconsiderate. Now you have to decide if its worth saying something. Is he the kind of guy that gets worked up easy or is he laid back? It also sounds like they don's have kids..if you said they did sorry I overlooked it. Maybe he doesn't get it that its harder getting everything together when you have kids.
I would sit down and talk to him. Stay calm. Say " Hey Matt I was hoping could you give me a YES or NO it has to be within 2 dys of telling you. We have other people for back up. You are our first choice but we need to know otherwise no one will be coming over and we made all this nice food. Or you could stop invitating and wait for him to say something.

OH MY, what memories you bring back with this post....YES, I have a nututy, self-centered sister who is just as bad, maybe worse....she'll show up hours late to the scheduled family get together, food will have been put away, and she will pull it all out of the frig and proceed to feed her gang.

I tried the reverse psychology of behaving the same way towards her invites....guess what, it didn't seem to bother her.

So I announced to her the last time she showed up about 3 hours late, because we always do potlucks with that many people, that she is forevermore only allowed to bring a dessert. Period. And that I was more than pissed. And she hates desserts.

To answer your Q...YES, this is socially rude and unacceptable and I wonder if they feel that because you're just family it's OK to act this way. I know my sister has to go to what is 'funner' in her mind so that is her reason for not committing and waiting for the better invitation. And she has always been like this, since high school. The 3-4 hours late is because she either had to exercise or she went somewhere else first, then left them early and still came to our gathering.

Your instinct is right on. You have been dropped to the bottom of the social queue. They sound very self centered....they might even be fun once there.. but I recommend you invite them only in a casual manner in the future.

Make your plans with other real friends, and just mention it in passing to your brother/SIL that you're having friends over for such and such and if free they are invited to join you. And that you need to know at least a couple of days ahead of time to have enough food, unless it's potluck.

Why keep inviting them? (And if you're nice and want to keep asking them over, plan for them not to be there!)

Obviously they'd rather not come over, so why put yourself through the angst? No matter what you do or say, you're not going to change them, so...... time to cut the strings. They can't be THAT fun!

Oh my goodness. Yes, of course it's rude. It's also childish. It reminds me of when I was a kid... and if you (read: I, unfortunately) were invited to go to someone's party you wanted to know who else was going before deciding whether to go yourself.

This is one of those situations where you either cry or laugh. Since it's family, I'd opt for laughing. Keep extending the invitations if you like (sometimes that's a good thing to do with relatives), but don't expect anything better of them any more. It's useless to be rude back, but you could always hit the computer and write a story about these silly, Seinfeld-like characters.

I'd stop inviting them to anything... I'd also tell them maybe they should look for a babysitter who gets paid.

I think I would stop inviting them to anything. Ever. It's not worth the heartache to plan on someone coming over and then feel like you've been blown off because they got a "better offer." They both sound pretty insensitive, evidenced not only by their behavior but by their response when you called them out on it. I probably wouldn't stoop to their level and treat them the way they've treated you; by not playing games with them, and honestly addressing the issue (politely informing them that in the future, they need not expect any invitations to your home) you can rid yourself of their rudeness.

This is not only rude, but it's also unkind... it puts the family in the position of being the "back up entertainment".

Personally, I would continue to invite them b/c you are the bigger person, but if they "leave you hanging", say something like "If I don't hear from you by ____ I'll assume that you are not coming and will plan the food accordingly" and leave it at that. Don't call again and ask... they have the invite.

As for "well you'll see your nieces when we need you" piece... my response would be "If we're available, you know we're here, but if we're not make sure you have back-up"... then I would be "unavailable" at least once.

Wow, they sound like really self-centered and socially challenged people. I wouldn't invite them to anything anymore. Leave it to them to invite you to something--oh, and, by the way...when they are looking for sitters? You'll get back to them.

Don't hold a grudge, though, when you see them for family holidays...be polite. It's just not going to work out for you all to do things together and you can't force the friendship-between family thing. No biggie. Cut your losses.

I've had a few friends/family members like that. I've taken to telling them about a really fun/exciting/interesting thing coming up, them telling me, "Oh, I'll have to see if I can make it," and me saying, "I'm sorry if you thought I was inviting you. I know that you're usually too busy. I was just so excited about it that it must have slipped out."

Mean? Yes. Does the trick? Usually.

Yes, it's completely rude. I have a BIL/SIL exactly like them. Several times, when they did deign to show up for dinner (late as usual, and we held dinner for them), they arrived and told us they were late because they had a craving for their favorite steak place and stopped to eat. It takes all kinds. I would stop inviting them...we did.

Wow, they sound extremely selfish. Maybe just put it out there that you are doing such and such and they are welcome to join you and then plan the event as if they are not coming and leave it at that. That way the invite is out there but you are not waiting for their response. Surround yourself with thoughtful people like yourself.