Mother-In-Law Problems... - Oakwood,GA

Well , I was just reading through all your responses and I think everyone gave some great advice ....follow it all. Enjoy being a mother at 20, I began my family at 21 and don't regret a bit of it . Being a young mother is the best!
Sounds like your mother in law means well and in the end , everything will work out. Good Luck!

I agree, you need to set boundaries, but, I suggest you really have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. You should express to him exactly how you feel. Afterwards, he should plan to have a family meeting and everyone can discuss this matter together (he should lead). Things may not change overnight and it may take several meetings, but it's a start. Your mother-in-law may be experiencing the "only child" syndrome. It can create an overprotective nature, afterall, she only has one precious offspring. Here's a big lesson out of this, don't but all your eggs in one basket. If possible, have at least two kids or you just may find yourself being a replica of your mother-in-law in 20 or 30 years. It's easy to say or feel that you can do better as mother. We're supposed to do better than the previous generation, right? It should be our intention. However, times have changed and the challenges of life become more complex each day. So give your mother-in-law a little credit. I guess she didn't do so bad, she seemed to have raised her son well enough for you to chooose him as your loving husband, right? Please don't push her away, you're a young mother and she may be able to help you one day in ways that you can't imagine.
Be Well,
S.

i feel for you. i have the same if not worse probs w/ my mil. it has gotten to where my daughter is not allowed over there w/o my husband present. but you must set boundaries and if your husband wont put his foot down then you will have to do it-no matter whos feelings get hurt. tell her what she can and cannot do and give her ultimatums if needed.

To be honest with you, I've heard much worse situations. I would worry about boundries if she begins questioning your decisions in parenting outloud and in a negative way, or starting to control your family. Otherwise, it seems to me like she loves her son dearly (as you can now empathize with) and just wants a close bond with her grandchild. You are lucky in many ways, some grandmothers don't care at all about their grandchildren or try to form a bond. Maybe your examples aren't strong enough and there is more going on, but, sounds like it is time to be grateful for the love and giving that your grandmother has and is willing to give to your son. Just stay confident in your parenting skills and enjoy the extra loving hands.

You poor thing! If it's one thing I've noticed seems to be universal in families it is friction between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. It seems mothers have a hard time giving their position of influence in their son's life over to the woman they marry. I understand your frustration - we all do. I think the only thing for it is an honest heart-to-heart, (now, before the hard feelings build up) with your mother-in-law. Before you sit down, take into consideration her feelings of attachment to your husband and adoration of your son. Let her know what you are willing to accept and what you are not, and be open to compromise. Good luck and God bless.
C. at Loving Hands family Child Care

The only way she's going to get it is for you to sit and "talk" with her about your feelings. I had some of the same problems with my monster-in-law until my husband told her to back off.

R. - it's hard to set boundaries with a mother-in-law who can lie to herself as easily as she can lie to you. She doesn't sound like a very healthy person (needy and rather controlling, from your description). It also sounds like your hubby may be used to the extra attention and doesn't really see anything wrong with it, simply because it's what he's used to. Someone else mentioned family counseling, and I second that suggestion. Even if you can't get your mom-in-law to go you should maybe try to get your hubby to do that. It might help him to see that her attitude is not healthy for you, your son and himself. She's got understand that YOU are your son's mom and you are NOT going to let her step into that position! You can't do anything about her house, just be glad that she doesn't have to send home extra dirty clothes and you don't have to set up a porta-crib when he needs a nap! But your instincts are right on the money in this situation - watch what's going on and if your hubby won't call her on things then you do it! It won't be comfortable and it may cause some tension with your hubby too, but it's worth it to keep another 'dependant' situation from springing up between her and your son. That won't be good for Aiden! I've dealt with this a little bit, but I started calling my mom-in-law on her statements (like 'I'm going to have a box of new toys and he can choose a new toy every time he comes over' and 'I'm just a Grandma, I don't have to discipline my grandkids' - that stuff just doens't fly!). If you address it as it comes out of her mouth instead of waiting and talking it over with your hubby she won't be able to deny she said it at all! It's hard when you are dealing with your first child (heck, you're still learning how you want to handle your child!) and you're still 'young' (I had my first at 21 and my m-i-l discounted all of my ideas b/c of my age!) and this is your hubby's mom!! All of those things together make dealing with the situation very difficult - but you are doing this for your munchkin!! If your hubby won't draw the line, then you have to. Good luck dear, I'll be praying for her understanding and your peace of mind (and your hubby's assistance!). I hope things start looking up soon.

Mother-in-laws can get bit overbearing. It does sound like she wants attention thats why she makes up things. I think you should talk to your husband first and let him know what is bothering you...a real heart to heart talk in a loving manner (I love your mom, she is a great person and she goes out of her way to do things for Aiden but do you realize.....), don't get mad no matter what he says. Sometimes its best to write your points down to reflect on what your going to say so that he can understand. If he understands your point of view. Then not to gang up on mother-in-law let him talk to her first. Set some boundaries, but make her feel useful and needed. Oh about making up or changing stories around its best to chulk it up (get a good laugh out of it) and just get the real story from husband. Or if you have a video camera start rolling anytime she is around the baby let her use the camera. It might just make it harder for her to change stories.
We did this for my father-in-law in a different situation. He did't realize that his tone of voice scared my son to death. But when he saw himself in a video...he himself could not believe how loud he could get and it could be scary to a baby. We all at the same time said "that is what we have been telling you" we all got a good laugh and he started talking a little lower and my son responded better towards him. Maybe this might be useful in other ways and the same time your capturing special moments.

Hope some of these suggestions can help.

It might be fruitful for your family to seek counseling. I know it sounds a little cracked up, and your m-i-l may be a little resistant, but a family psychologist may be better able to find out what exactly is going on and they are often able to see very clearly any bullying or boundry stepping that may be going on. This is just something that (as you can probably see from the mixed responses) we other Moms just can't see into from our computer screens. I, for instance, can see that your m-i-l looks to be a loving Grandma. But from what you are describing, she sounds also like it's the attitude, and not the actions that bother you. She may be letting you know that she will be glad to take care of your child if you're gone- or she may be setting you up for the situation another responder was in. In any case, counseling will help you and you husband make this transition into parenthood more complete(as in you are both on the same page) and if your m-i-l comes too, the counselor can really see what you are dealing with and give advice to deal with such.
good luck.

R..

I do know this story all too well! I have a 15year old daughter. I went through the very same thing with my mother-in-law.

My husband was an only child. His parents loved him dearly and were very over-bearing. Before Ashleigh was born, his mother cursed me out terribly and said that she wanted nothing to do with my child, because she didn't want her son to marry me.
I let her know that she'd better eat her words, because she won't have anything to do with my child. In my 4th month of pregnancy, my mother-in-law sent us a whole room full of stuff to decorate the baby's room with. I didn't even want to decorate with Disney. I told my husband to send the stuff back to his mother. My mother-in-law also tried to get my husband to purchase a separate life insurance policy with HER as the beneficiary.

Moving forward...... my husband died when my daughter was 15 months old. Almost immediately after his death, his parents tried to sue me for custody of my daughter. The state of GA usually wont let anyone come in to seek custody or visitation UNLESS it is in the best interest of the child. We fell in the loophole of the law that was on the books. You see, if the child is the only offspring of another only child (the grandparent's child), the court will allow visitation EVEN though you prove your case that it is NOT in the best interest of the child.

Needless to say, we went back and forth to court with them for many years until my daughter was able to speak for herself in court (12yrs old). Now, I don't have any problems with them. But it took sooooooo long. I nearly ruined my second marriage.

As far as wills go, it would be a good idea to spell out who you would like to take care of your child should something happen to either one OR both of you. It will give you piece of mind.....

M.

Well, lets start with with MIL claiming baby will call her mom. After reading this I thought, "well, maybe MIL thinks bc mom is soo young MIL will be a very present fore." I had a little sister that called me mom.
Leave that alone. Let it go! Now, if she infact refers to herself as "mom" to your son at anytime, you should correct her. Be respectful, but let her know YOU ARE THE MOM. YOU GAVE BIRTH. SHE HAS A CHILD, AND THIS ONE IS YOURS.
I think it's cool that she was able to make a nursery at her home for the baby. My mom and in-laws had a small set up like that (would have done more if they could afford it, I am sure)
Just never let the baby stay there overnight if you are nervous that MIL is overstepping boundaries. Only use her when you really need her.
The will thing, well...maybe she came to you b/c she knew her son would never get it done. As for the details of this contract...do what you want. If you think your sister, bestfriend or hairdresser would make a better gaurdian, well she wouldn't find out till you were gone anyways SO WHO CARES? If she wants a copy just tell her it's at the lawyers office or in a saftey deposit box, and always forget to bring it. Go to a notary today and have something notarized concerning custody (it is not a will and can be fought, but until you get an attorney...
The making up stories thing is either jealousy, (trying to make you jealous) Wishful thinking, or she is a looooon!!!!
Be the bigger person here. Pray for peace, and keep the peace. You have to have her in your life for decades SO KEEEEP COOL!
In the end, you have the ultimate say so on their relationship. If you need to keep her at a distance, you can! I know when they are that little you want no person around, so do what you want (respectfully)
I learned to just nod my head and then do what my intuition told me to do. I kept the peace, and now I have a perfect relationship with my MIL (and she's a little crazy too...LOL)
Good Luck!

She sounds like she is WAY overstepping her bounds. Your husband needs to make her aware of her boundaries. YOU are the baby's parents...not her. If you don't set boundaries right away, it's only going to get worse. Your husband needs to step up and do this!

R., what you and your husband need to do is establish boundaries. Your mother in law is one of these people (and there are unfortunately many of them) who have a sense of entitlement and no observation of appropriate boundaries. She needs to be told firmly and respectfully what her role of grandmother is and that Aiden is your son... that you will be his mother and she will be the grandmother. You and your husband need to sit her down and be very clear and concrete about the fact that she can love and care for Aiden as much as she wishes but she needs to respect that you and Trey are the parents which means sometimes she might not agree with the choices you are making but it's not for her to over-ride those choices. Do it now, R. or very soon when your son begins to be mobile and busy and expressive she will start disciplining him and interfering with your parenting. I suspect because you are young, she thinks you are not mature enough to be a "good mother" and she is trying fulfill her own unmet emotional needs. I am a licensec professional counselor to parents and children and if you want to talk more about this and get some more guidance on this, feel free to email me directly.

I don't think that you are wrong for you feeling this way.
Sometimes things can be a very sticky situation any time you have hard feelings towards your mother in law but this is your son and not hers and I agree with the other comment on here your husband should be the one to talk to his mother sometimes it better that way, I have had a few mother in law issues myself with my kids and I did not feel that it was my place to talk to her.
I hope that things get better for you soon!

I think it should be your husband's job to establish some boundaries with HIS mother. He needs to have a frank talk with her.

Maybe she doesn't have enough going on in her life? Does she work, does she volunteer, does she have friends?

Good luck!

i just joined my husband is a momma's boy and it took forever to get use to but now she knows when to but out. Girl just put her in her place that is what it took for me after we got into it real bad then we are ok now trust me if she wants to see your son then if you tell her off i mean really tell her off then she will come around and see things your way, you are the mom not her.

I understand how you feel. I'm no exception to the rule when I say I'm territorial with my children. (they are grown and out of the house now but they are still my kids). I still want to protect and always will.

First, any conversation you have with her, you absolutely MUST have it with Trey in the room. No TV, no distractions, just you three. Keep Aiden with you and sitting between you and your husband. This re-inforces the bond you three have as a family and she can see that for herself.

Try not to attack her. She's obviously living in a place in her mind and in her heart that she's trying to show you. She loves the three of you dearly - she's just having a hard time letting go. Sounds like she might be so distracted by your family that she has forgotten to have a life of her own. Perhaps you could show her some new things to do in the community (church functions) or try to get her interested in some volunteer work at the neo-natal unit at the hospital.

The three of you need to do activities that take you away from the house a little more. Concerts, family outings at the park and things that just involve the 3 of you (yes, bring her along sometimes but not all the time). Show her that you can handle being a mom but try to do it in a way that will make a greater impression. Actions speak louder than words.

As for the will, I would never consider anything as important as a will left in just the hands of my husband. Not because I don't trust him (he's the best husband in the world) but because it's MY life. The belongings I love dearly go to the family member WE appoint as a mutual decision between my man and me so there's a clear understanding of how things will be.

You do not have to share your will with anyone but be aware that wills, for the most part, are public record once you file them with the court. Out of respect, give a copy to your children (if they are grown) or 1 member of your family who you consider emotionally mature enough to handle the contents of your will. Most of the time, the court will ask who the executor is that you've appointed. If you have a serious genealogist in the family, I would recommend appointing them if you consider they will be fair about things.

Aiden is your child. He belongs to you and Trey. Who takes over the role as caregiver is a decision between the two of you and no one else. Just remember, she's a mom, too.

I know you got alot of responses already but i still want to say something. you are not wrong for feeling how you feel. And you are the women the queen of your castle and she should respect you on all levels. I know you love her and also your husband should also put his foot down and remind her he is married and if she doesn't straighten up she will have to stop coming over the reason is not to be mean but this problem can cause big problems in your marriage or in his life period. if you have to only allow her to come to your house once a week do it your husband comes first then your child and the same with you for your husband you come first then his child your house should always be at peace no one else is to run your house or your child and always be respectful and keep your eye on her but stay strong always let your husband know how you feel no secrets and he should always put your feeling first over his mother because you guys are married now he is a man his house comes first.

Hi R.

My advice to you is not to stress too much over this. You are blessed to have a grandmother that is that committed to helping you (should you have more children in the future-you will be especially grateful). My husband is the only son as well and yes his mom was and still is very doting over our children, so I know exactly what your going through. If your husband is feeling like he has to cover up for you or his mom, you are putting him in an uncomfortable situation. Don't make him feel like he has to choose over you or his mothers feelings. This is not fair to him! He obviously loves you and his mother.If and when you feel your mother in law is stepping on your toes -just pull her aside and gently remind her that this is a decision you and your husband will decide on together. Tell her you know that she loves Aiden and only wants the best for him but that right now you decide what's best for him. Don't wait until your so angry to tell her, otherwise you may end up blowing it out of proportion and unforgivable words may be said (and not forgotten).
PS I'm 37 yo and have been married for 14 years and have 3 children 4, 9, 12. And to this day I have a nice relationship with my mother in law.
PSS My mom on the other hand, has never offered (of her own free will) to have my kids sleep over, nor does she have a "special place" for them to sleep or toys for them to play with at her house. So I am experiencing the 2 extremes, and to be quite honest, I'm sooo grateful that my mother in law does have a place that my kids enjoy going to. When your stressed just think of her as a blessing to you, and pray for patience!!
M.

Wow! That is intense! I would be furious! And very concerned about his safety. I like that she went as far as making her home completely comfortable for him with everything he may need. You could forget something from the diaper bag and have backup! I actually wish my mom would make anywhere near that much effort. She is wonderful and a bit distant/oblivious. Anyway, calling her Mama? Absolutely not! You later said grandmama. Personally, I think grandmama is ok, but you and your husband are the ones, of course, who are to set the boundaries! Her saying all of that, and the fact that your husband cleared up what was incongruent, makes me very concerned about her mental health. Grandmother rights are very important, and having very safe and clean relationships are crucial and completely your and your husband's responsibility to promote! What to do? I would not leave her and your son unsupervised ever! Or, at least until she chooses to be honest, and chooses to be respectful of your boundaries. Maybe bringing in a coach or counselor to observe the situation might help. I hope you and your husband are on the same page about how to handle the situation. This sounds pretty serious. Working as a team to support your child is one of the greatest gifts/duties you can offer him!
Many Blessings!
P.S. It is interesting she felt comfortable enough with you to say she wanted to be the one to care for your son if anything happened to you and your husband. Or was it just bullying?! As I said, I would not allow unsupervised visits. I suggest you and your husband make out an incontestable will, including your reasons for not choosing your mother-in-law as guardian, regarding your son's care because honestly you never know...

R., I here you and sympathize with you. However, I am daring to call it if I may "jealousy" from your part (forgive me if I am wrong), don't be. Some times we mothers are over-jealous specialy with our babies (who are "suppose" to be just our own and no one elses).
Your mother-in-law may have some personal "issues" of her own, but is not our place to resolve them for them. Don't worry about how she wants your son to call her, your son is going to call her the way YOU teach him and encourage to. If she wants to "adore" your son, let her! It is only in the best interest of your child to feel love from other people other than yourself and your husband (just in case, God forbid, one of you would ever be missing from his life). If she wants to buy all sort of stuff to make your baby feel comfortable at her home let her! your son will know he has his very own place at grandmas's house, what a treat! don't worry, it will never take the place or his own house and his parents!
Your husband may be not telling you how long she really stays not because he wants to lie, but because he may know how much you disapprove, remember she is his mother and this situation has him cought in the middle. Please don't be jealous, feel blessed, and always remember no matter what YOU ARE THE MOTHER!