How to Deal with Overbearing Mother in Law?

Hi C. -

It always amazes me how many moms respond to less-than-glowing MIL reports. It's almost like an invitation to do some therapy. :) It seems that having strained relationships with MILs is more common than not.

While I wouldn't say that I'm exempt from this problem, being married for eight years to a man who has a difficult relationship with his mother and being the daughter-in-law of a very strong, independent, and opinionated woman, I've had to employ some very important self-preservation methods when dealing with her sometimes challenging behavior.

First and foremost, over the years, I've learned not to let my irritability get the best of me. When I actually have something ground-shaking to bring to my MIL's attention, I do so but only after I've prayed about my delivery first. When you're the daughter-in-law, delivery is EVERYTHING. Usually, when I deliver my requests in soft, even, non-antagonistic tones, my MIL accepts what I have to say (at least to my face). What's most important is that she eventually complies with my requests, which is my ultimate goal. Just as much as moms have issues with their MILs, the same is true in the vice versa - trust me, DILs are probably their FAVORITE topic of fodder and criticism to their friends and other family members. But who cares? As long as you get what you want - that is, for her to stop her critical and potentially destructive behavior, that's all that matters.

Second, ALWAYS take the high road when your MIL is being unreasonable. I have two young kids and am due with another in a couple more weeks. My first born, a four year boy, is the apple of his "Mammaw's eye" and always gets to visit her, while my two-year-old daughter is often left at home with me. While it does bother me to see them separated like that (my daughter DEFINITELY knows what's going on), I know it's better that she stay with me until my MIL can muster enough energy, patience, and understanding to watch both of them at the same time. That's not to say that she hasn't done so, but it's a real struggle and it would be for any person who doesn't have two young kids of their own. With your son being six and thus very cognizant of your MIL's blatant favoritism, it may be better that she doesn't take him at all. It could be potentially traumatic and miserable for him all around.

Finally, going back to my first point, just as we often justifiably brand our MILs as over-bearing critics of our mothering techniques, they are more-than-likely dubbing us as inexperienced and naive mothers. Far more than proving that you're the best mom ever, all that matters is that you and your husband know that you're doing the best that you can as a mother. As cliche as it sounds, YOU are the only one who can make you feel inadequate, not your MIL.

P.S. - By the way, your husband should get some nerve and talk to HIS own mother about how you're feeling, especially with regards to your son. My husband does even though it frustrates him to ever broach a difficult subject with his mother. Your husband is HER flesh and blood, and by virtue of that, she'll have more patience and a shorter run of her anger and/or irritation with him than she would have with you. He should position the discussion as "I've noticed that you've really been criticizing C. about the kids, and I'd like you to please stop. Also, it would be great if you would make an effort to accept C.'s son as your own grandson because he thinks of you as his grandma." I don't know any grandmother, blood-linked or otherwise, who wouldn't respond positively to a little guilt-induced accountability.

Blessings to you and yours.

I would have to tell my husband to handle it or at least handle it with me. This isnt something you can do by yourself. Good luck

if your husband feels like she is in the wrong then he does need to tell her! your son shouldnt get left out and if this were my situation i would say you come to my house to see the baby and unless you give them both attention you cant take her to your house for a few hours! ( this is just me, I dont want you to do that and it turn out badly) but it needs to start with you and your husband!

Your husband told you to deal with her so you need to deal with her. Your husband should be willing to say something but if you have his backing then you have full right to say something to his mother. I would let her know that you are trying to have your son involved with his little sister and that he likes to help and that he is very gentle.

When she makes the comments about "watch the baby" or whatever just let her know that the baby is fine. Some of these types of comments can just be ignored.

My MIL is a pain in the rear. However, my husband also knows this and so I pretty much have free rein. I am not rude to my MIL but in the four years since my daughter has been born she has pretty much come to realize that it may be her granddaughter but she is MY daughter and I make the rules.

We don't have any family that lives anywhere near us. I am greatful for that in the case of my inlaws but it makes me very sad in the case of my family. However, when the inlaws come to visit I am not shy about letting them know that I am taking care of my daughter.

Course I kind of have the opposite problem of you, your MIL sounds over protective and my MIL is not protective at all. Let your MIL know how you are feeling and how you want things done. She needs to realize that your son needs to be treated just like any of her other grandchildren and what goes for the baby also goes for your son.

Good luck and best wishes. It is a tough situation. Like I said though if your husband is backing you then don't be afraid to speak your mind and to talk to her about it. If it causes problems then your husband can deal with it.

Best of luck.
M. N.

C., I understand how you are feeling. My mother-n-law is the same way. I know you feel it is your husband's place to deal with the situation since she is his mother, but trust me it will probably be more effective if you talk to her yourself. I use to think the same way you are thinking now until she drove me crazy. Now I just tell her how I'm feeling and when to back off (in a nice way of course). It seems to be working. I hope you can use this advise. GOOD LUCK!!!

hi C. my name is M. i'll give you my mother-in-law in a heart beat. i know how you feel my father-in-law just passed away and my husband is all she has left besides our son,and 2 more grand kids my husband does not see or thinks i over react to his mom's snide comments etc she doesn't do it around him only me i've learnt just be up front speak my mind because nice don't work ignoring don't work and i stick to my guns it works but sometimes i let my guard down back she goes i don't know if i helped but i seen your message and had to write take care M.

This is your family, and since your husband won't help, you have every right to take charge! I would take the no nonsense approach, explain clearly and firmly that there will be no further visits unless and until both children are treated equally,(say it and MEAN it) If she won't allow your son to hold his sister at her house, don't go over to her house and explain exactly why there are no more visits to her home. as for her "watch the baby" comments explain that the baby is fine and ignore any further comments...Your mother in law
cannot treat your family with disrespect unless you let her.
Be firm but loving!

You are in a tough situation just like I have with my mother in law. Although my mother is worse when it comes to making comments about watch the baby etc. You should be happy that your mother in law wants to be so involved with your baby. My MIL only wants to see our daughter when I am willing to drive the 40 min. to her place, she never wants to stop by. I do agree that you need to make a firm stand that she can either take both children or one at a time. It can be difficult for one person to handle a baby and a 6 yr old at the same time plus you don't get as much quality time with each child. You might want to suggest she take the baby for a few hours one day and then your son for a few hours another day. Although doesn't your son have another set of grandparents his father's? If so, then maybe have him go spend sometime with them while your baby is with your MIL. The problem is when you got married your husband accept your son as his own but MIL are different and they really don't have to accept your son as their own, I would hope for the child's sake they would or at least not make it obvious but you can't control that. When my husband and I discussed adoption my MIL made it clear that she wouldn't treat an adopted child the same as her own grandchild. You can't change some people's views all you can do is make sure your son is loved and doesn't feel like your husband treats the baby different etc. I would definitely sit down and talk to your MIL about your concerns for your son's feelings, I would hope that she would understand if you explain the situation nicely to her and maybe even open her heart up more to your son. You are in a tough situation and I know my mother would be the exact same way if my husband had a previous child. I don't think you should stop allowing your MIL to spend time with her grandchild because she feels more of a bond towards her, that is only natural. To be quite honest I do not let my 6 yr old neice carry by daughter at all because I feel she is too young and if she drops her it could be serious. I do let her play with her and hold her when she is sitting down and my mom will make comments to her or me about that. What I do is say that she is my daughter and Kayley (our neice) is doing just fine, she knows how to be careful etc. Sit down with your MIL and express her concerns but don't make everything to do with your MIL contingent on your son, she needs to spend time with her grandchild as well and maybe there is a happy medium like splitting up the days that she takes each one of them etc.

Hi C.,
First of all, I want to say I thank God that I don't have a MIL like the ones I read below. She goes out of her way for me and my family. I know she thinks of me when she's not around cause she'll buy me a little something that she knows I would like. She watches my daughter whenever I ask her and my bro-in-law watches her while I'm at work. In the morning I'll go there to daughter my daughter off and she has coffee and eggs ready for me. I couldn't have asked for a better MIL. I love my MIL just as much as my mom sometimes more, but my mom is an alcoholic so that explains that.
(In regards to letting brother handle baby sis) The first thing you need to do is to let your MIL know that you know she's trying to help, but your thier mother and you can handle it yourself. The thing about her not taking your son when she wants to take the baby, just don't let her take her. I grew up where my sister's father raised me and until I was 11 I didn't even know that he wasn't my bio father, but I could always tell that something was wrong because my sister would always get one more than me. Like one more toy at Christmas, one more cookie, just little things like that. You need to make sure that when grandma does take him that she's not treating him different than his sister. Also your husband needs to get involved in this situation, because if he's not saying anything to her then she's going to think it's ok when it's not. Just have a talk with grandma and if she doesn't feel the same way you and your husband feel then remember you guys are the parents and what you guys say....goes!

Wow sounds like you have your hands full. You are 100% correct if she takes one she should take the other that is only right. She should think about his feelings he is only i think you said 6 that will hurt him and he may resent the baby. I would approach your mother in law with your husband or have your hubby approach her, if you do it alone you may make a bad situation worse, it sounds like she likes to give you alittle bit of a hard time. Talk with your husband and see his take on it too. Something has to be said because you dont want to goon with this on your mind. Hope this helps you alittle

I have had issues with my mother in law as well. I felt the same way you do about it being my husband's responsibility to deal with her. Unfortunately, he doesn't see the problems that I see quite the same way. I recently read a book called Boundaries: When To Say Yes When To Say No To Take Control of Your life by Townsend and Cloud. This was a lifesaver! I am finally starting to feel like I am regaining control over my family and my life. You have the power to set boundaries and this book will help you do just that.

I have the same problem, except mine has a chemical inbalance. YEAH! It is your husband's duty to tell her to back off. I watched a special on Dr Phil and he said that the son or daughter of the overbearing parent should be the one to say back off. Your husband has to talk to her. She wont stop if he doesn't. I just finally got mine to talk to his pain in the butt mother the other day. She always calls when I'm putting my daughter to bed. I told her what time to not call and she does it anyway so she can tell my husband I'm rude to her and avoid her. That was the last draw! His father is the same. They're divorced. He called both of them the other day to tell them to knock it off already.

Compared to mIL, your MIL is on the mild side :)
no really. your MIL wants to have something to do with your baby. my MIL just wants to make sure she on;ly helps out my husband, not with our kids or me just her son. THAT'S IT. first 3 years i kept complaining to my husband about the things she'd say to me, and you know his response: 'she's just loopy.' hahaha loopy. ok well then he started seeing it firsthand, now when there is something that needs to be said, he says it to her. if i do it, she'll accuse me of lying, but when 'HER SON' does it then she gets the message. my advice to you is let hubby deal with her. you said he doesn't wnat to, well then stop goling to visit her, i mean you and the kids do not go there until your husband decides to deal with her. as far as MIL not wanting your son to visit as well, it's either both or none. period. how on earth would she except you to explain to your son that she is baby's grandmother not yours. come on. ok loopy :)
good luck and stand your ground.
V.