Moral Support for 1St Birthday/Gifts

I have the same problem with my MIL. My twins are 3 and I tried to battle this for 2 years. Finally, I just let her buy them whatever she wants and then when she leaves town, I donate the clothes or toys (or replace some of their old toys with the new ones to cut down on the amount). She gives so much that she doesn't even remember what she has given. That way, she still has the joy of giving to her grandchildren and we have the joy of donating to children who really need the items. For their birthday this year we asked people to bring used/new books to the party instead of gifts. All of my friends did, but family didn't. I set up a time to take my kids to the Children's Hospital and they saw first hand where their books were going. I think it is a fabulous idea to teach this concept along with allowing them to receive gifts from grandma. Good luck! You'll feel like a full time toy/clothing manager!!

I always try to send out a "wish list". Needless to say, that isn't always followed. As parents we make a point of either donating, or regifting toys that we don't really want (the computer type games - I would rather have my kids use their imagination). Also, periodically, I go through the toys and pull those that haven't been played with for awhile and put them away for my daughter. As my son gets older, we will be instilling a practice of him choosing which toys go away when he gets new ones. What we don't limit are books.

Wow...you have set yourself up for a tough battle. Not saying you are wrong but grandparents will be grandparents and do tend to be excessive. Maybe you have limited it a bit too much for them but you idea is wonderful AND they are your kids. Just remember, they are their grandkids too.

Here's a possible compromise. What about not limiting the size so much as to say please don't buy her a bunch of toys that she will out grow very soon. If you are going to purchase toy(s) please keep in mind she is only a year old and doesn't need everything at once and others need something to get her as well. Ask that any large amount being spent would be better spent on the college fund or on savings bonds (you can get a $50 savings bond for $25) or even as a deposit to savings.

I don't think you're crazy.

I do think that kids DO needs some sort of toys..some are better than others. I personally like toys that are actually educational in some way. Or help my son learn important skills.

Sometimes I think people get WAY too carried away with gifts & other material objects. I'd rather have my son only have 4 toys that he really loves than 100 that he barely touches. Plus i think it's good for kids mentally to NOT have too many things...it causes them to be more creative. But hey that's just how I feel.
Not everyone will agree with you. But ya know what the beauty is? IT's YOUR child.
My MIL sends presents, literally, several times a week. I honestly have given away most gifts she has sent. In my mind there IS a limit, and my son doesn't need 1,000 toy's that ALL MAKE NOISE haha

I appreciate your problem, both from a parent and a grandparent standpoint.

Your strong point in your request to the grandparents is the fact that you are moving to an apartment. Stress the fact that there's only so much room! That's very sensible. "Please, please - not too many things! You know how much space we WON'T have."

The way your post comes across, however, is that you are telling your parents and your in-laws, "You've certainly made a mess of your gift-giving, so I'm going to have to (sigh!) make rules for you," as if they were selfish, stupid, and childish. I know I'd be hurt if my children approached me that way.

It's up to you and your husband, as grown people, to treat your parents with respect while still being in charge of your own home. This is one important way to model behavior you'll want your children to learn, too.

Good humor works well in a spot like this. Stress the space consideration - let them imagine the little apartment bulging with unopened toys. If the grandparents are friends with one another, you might suggest that they get together on a gift instead of having the perceived competition. If they live nearby and say, "Well, what CAN we give her, then?" answer, "YOU! She needs you - your time and your attention! A special day with G&G is the best gift!"

I don't know them - they might not go for it - but it's a more positive way of responding; you can probably come up with something better.

That being said, I think I need to, um, look again at, um, the amount of gifts I'm sending my youngest granddaughter for her, um, first birthday....

You're totally reasonable. I would tell them how grateful you are that they're so generous, but you just don't have the space for large items. Also emphasize that there are so many less fortunate kids out there right now and how wonderful it would be for your daughter to learn to share by giving items to organizations in need.

The fact that they're not adhering to your wishes is disrespectful.

i agree with you. I'm actually surprised more people don't. I thought i would be 100 %

that being said, good luck. i've talked until i was blue in the face about giving experiences not toys. and no one is listening to me. And they all check for their toys when they come visit. Very competitive and in some ways less about loving my kids and more about one up ing the inlaws.

Well I hate to burst your bubble, but your little girl is turning 1. While she may be very bright and one day discover the cure for cancer, she at this age has no concept of gift giving and receiving and underlying meanings and hidden agendas.

I also understand that you have ideas and thoughts on the best gifts for your child. You totally should have a "wish" list not a "demand" list. Plus GP's are only around for so long, let them spoil the kid. My GF always had small gifts for me and the only thing I learned from it was that he was a generous man who loved me a lot for the short time he was still in my life.

On a side note, we have tons of toys in our house that we have given our son who just turned two, he has no concept of the meaning behind giving gifts right now either. When the time comes, we will teach him these things, as well as how his resourceful mom and dad got a majority of his toys for next to nothing. For now, let them and her enjoy the event.

You are being completely reasonable. You could also let your parents know that you will be donating any gifts above and beyond what you have requested to a Children's hospital or battered women's shelter. You and your daughter can personally take the gifts and through this act, you can show your daughter how wonderful it is to give to those less fortunate. I'm guessing that the grandparents will just stick to your rules when you let them know that this is what is going to happen. :-)

we have only been able to have one child. She has all she needs, and a lot of things she doesn't. She likes her toys and things but she isn't obsessive, she isn't greedy. we rotate toys and donate toys, we've also done JBF consignment sales and let her keep the money she makes from anything that sells. My love language is gifts. Because of that I would never tell someone what to, or not to give as a gift. Its hard for someone without that as their love language to understand~if I were told don't buy my child a toy/thing it would feel like someone was saying to me, don't love my child.
I don't know if there is anything of that with your parents-in-laws but it is something to think about in all of this. When our daughter has been given something we don't personally want in our home (like the Bratz dolls for example) I didn't say anything when it was given to her at christmas--and we donated it after that. There will be a parent who likes the dolls like my SIL's do that can appreciate the toy. My daughter was never phased by us donating the toys.
with the upcoming move I think the best way to handle it would be for you to speak with your parents, and for your spouse to speak with his parents. in private, just let them know concerns about the move, and having to get rid of toys right after receiving them because your space is limited. having a candid conversation with your own parents should help make it so that there aren't hurt feelings involved.
you will raise a creative child because it is a priority for you. I know it has certainly been the case for us. outside of any material things it is spending time cultivating your childs creativity.

I think you're amazing for thinking practically......BUT I can see where it would tick off the grandparents!
Especially for a child's first birthday---it only comes once---could you relax the rules just a little for this O.?

Wow you already have a ton of responses. I just have to say that I think what you are asking is totally resonable and that you should stick to your guns! For my son's 1st Birthday we did a college theme where everyone wore their favorite college attire and we said don't feel obligated to give a gift but if you want to do something we're starting a college fund and you can donate to his future! We also did a Time Capsule where we had everyone write down favorite memories, favorite movies, important news stories etc... from the first year of Gavin's life. It turned out great!

Sounds to me like you need some middle ground (especially with the other responses).

Why not modify your request just slightly to say that since you'll be moving soon the gifts need to stay at an absolute minimum, but if the grandparents want to go all out they can get her whatever they want to keep at their own houses? That way you're not limiting the gifts themselves, just what you can take into your own house and deal with on your end.

I love the idea of memberships or trips as presents, but being so specific with gifts really takes the fun out of it. Maybe instead of that particular suggestion you can talk about how much your daughter loves things like the zoo and the kids museum. Get creative and don't limit too much. The grandparents on both sides will really appreciate the freedom as much as you'll appreciate the creative things they come up with. Especially if they're not crowding you out of house and home, eh?

I really love memberships. You may also ask for one to the zoo a great place to walk around with your little one. Or the downtown aquarium. You could even ask about the ones were you can bring a guest and ask if they'd like to join you for the day. Make sure to take pics and put them together in a photobook which may encourage them to do it again in the future. You may also ask for books, CD's or DVD's which are easily portable.

I agree that they are grandparents and want to express their love through gifts. Remember that you need to respect that, and can let your child enjoy and when they are done donate or pass along to friends when they are done.

Yikes! I can definitely see where the grandparents would be resistant to this. I can understand and appreciate your desire to have smaller items and less of them, but I feel that your requests should be requests, not requirements. No body wants their kids to come to expect boat loads of gifts, and I get that, but iIf you want your child to see the beauty of giving, then perhaps you need to realize that it is the grandparents who ARE enjoying the gift of giving. With all of the things that us parents can become irritated at grandparents about, I guess I just feel that this is such a small thing that perhaps you could let it go. If your child gets too many toys, then could you donate them to charity?

I think another approach could perhaps be to encourage the grandparents to give gifts that involve getting to spend time together.

Good luck. I am sure that you are in a difficult situation and I wish you the best.

i am in the same boat as you. my daughter just turned one and her grandmother literally arrived with a suitcase full of gifts. i understand her intentions, but living in an urban apartment and having a simplicity ethic, it's hard to handle it.
in my family, i have better traction just focusing on the "small" part of the request, insisting that the gift(s) not take up too much space. i think the mention of the college fund or charity would have been met with some displeasure, since it's really not about money.
good luck!

Granparents really try to spoil their grandkids and send them home. They have raised their kids and now it is time for them to spoil. It doesn't hurt anything for the grandparents to buy whatever gift they want. My mother in law tries to out do and get the biggest so that my kids will like her better than the other grandma. It sometimes makes me mad she is always giving gifts but I have to choose my battles. But I make it known to my kids they have 2 sets of grandparents and not one is better than the other. I don't want to make her mad so, I just let her do it. I think you need to just let the grandparents be grandparents and if she gets too many toys, let her play with them for a little while then donate them. I don't see any harm she is only 1. Good luck.

I think you are the parents and it is your job to raise your daughter in the way that you see fit. If these are the values you want to instill in her then that is your choice. You also live in a small place and do not want to be over-whelmed with toys. I think it is great. My oldest has been gifted so much that he is obsessive about how much he has. However, he has learned through much effort to share and to give away things to children who are not as lucky as he. He is super creative and mostly plays with things like legos and blocks rather than toys he's been given that only have one use. So if your parents give her a bunch that doesn't necessarily mean she'll be spoiled or less creative. She's one now--you can choose to give things away if they over-do it and do not respect your wishes. And you can write them a thank you note from the charity. You cannot be responsible for the way they are feeling--they choose their feelings and you cannot change that. If they feel you are unappreciative you can tell them that isn't it, but whether they choose to believe it or not is not in your hands.

Good for you for setting boundaries and following your inner guidance!
J.

THANK YOU!!! I love you question because I'm in a similar boat- my parents are being understanding and cooperative but my husband's aren't being so compliant. I feel like saying "we don't want our THREE yr old to have a video game system" is perfectly okay considering WE are the parents- not them. they don't agree. oh well. I'll read your answers to hopfully find help for our situation as well. thanks for the post!

Let them give whatever they choose and let them know that those toys will be donations, to be given away to an agency, like a Children's Hospital or some other organization nearby. That way, you aren't micromanaging the situation outright, and if people do not want their gift to be donated, they can opt to give cash or a college donation without you having to spell it out. I agree that gift-giving can be overdone and that you do not want your child to be spoiled. Plus, how many toys can she play with, anyway??? It's not a tough concept and you shouldn't have to spell things out for them. I have family members who give cash/bonds/college donations automatically for these ocassions. It's the wave of the future! Plus, my kids' birtdays hover around Christmas--double present whammy! Next time, I'm going to say "no gifts" or something like that, or do a toy donation theme.

It's an interesting question. We also have very generous grandparents in our court, and when our son was tiny we just let them give him whatever they wanted. We figured he was too little to spoil and they were having so much fun. But now he's 4 and is showing signs of being a little greedy and resists the "thank you" part of receiving a gift. Now we are in the position of having to re-frame the whole question with everyone, and it's harder now that he has more awareness. I'm not sure I would have done it differently, because limiting gifts would have been a huge battle, but not limiting them has had some real effects on how our son understands the world. So I don't think you're crazy at all, but I do think that there is some real danger of alienating loving grandparents if it is not handled very delicately, which has to be balanced against the real danger of them really spoiling him!