Mean Inlaws Won't Visit Us to See Their Grandson

Hi I.M.,

It's hard when we feel rejected for our kids. My older kids's grandma (ex's mom) never came to a birthday party, called them one the phone, never had them over to spend the night and she lived 10 minutes from our house. She did none of the things grandma's do and none of the things my mom and dad did. It broke my heart for them and made me angry that she would choose to miss out on all the wonderful things about them.

Then I realized something about her. I don't like her, I.M. I don't like how she treats her kids, her husband or her daughters and sons -in-law. I don't like her values. I don't like her attitude. I don't like the fact that she holds her 23 damn dogs in higher regard than the actual humans in her life. If she were a stranger I would grab my kids' hands and run like the hounds of hell were after me. I would never be her friend.

I realized that I was so blessed not to have her in their lives. I don't have to continually fight the influence on my kids of someone I don't like or respect. She gave me the greatest gift when she just stayed away.

Count your blessings and fill their lives with all the people who love and respect you and them. You and they will be better off in the long run.

L.

As you say, perhaps it is better off without them....

But, they are his grandparents. I once had a falling out with my mom and she didn't speak to me for 3 months. I wrote her a letter and told her that because of this grudge she was holding, she was the one missing out... on the grandparent relationship, on the milestones in my life, in the milestones of my kids life, etc. She got it. She came around. Maybe you could write them a nice note. Be nice. Say you understand they don't come around because they don't care for you, and that's ok. But that it makes you sad that your son is missing out on the grandparent experience. And ask them to think about how they'd like to be more involved. Do they just want an invitation to come over once in a while? Would they like to pick your son up and take him for ice cream? Would they like to have him over for the weekend? This way you've been nice. Extended the invitation. Opened the door. And now it's up to them.

If they don't accept this olive branch, then perhaps you have a family friend that could be the grandparent figure? Or visit a retirement facility and make new friends? The rewards will be huge!

Good luck :)

Hi,

I understand your situation~ I am sorry to say that I have a similar one. What I had to do is be thankful and grateful for the loving people in our lives and let them go....It is unhealthy for your son to be around people who are "toxic" that is what it sounds like to me-- anyone who doesn't respect you or care for you doesn't deserve a relationship with you or your family. Period. Family or not, respect is earned and they have done nothing but judge you and hurt you! Let them go and instead find loving, supportive extended family/friends to love on your kids. You are WAY better off without them. It doesn't make it easier to hear this, but in time it will be better. Good luck.

Molly

Don't feel bad for your son. Not every child grows up being close to their grands...in the end what really matters is how secure the child feels in his own home, with mother and father. That is the most important relationship in a child's life. Your child won't know any better; he accepts things for what they are. He does not see his grandparents, so be it. He is not aware of what he could be missing out on, and that is a good thing for him. Feel sorry for your in-laws..because THEY, at least, are aware they are missing out on the daily miracles you witness in your child every day. They are the ones who will feel like something is missing or lacking in their lives, especially when your son is older and they come to realize that they have no real bond to their own grandchild. Unfortunately, they cannot get enough control of their emotions or judgement to view your presence in their lives in any other way except "bad;" that they cannot adapt to change is too bad, so sad, for THEM. NOT you, NOT your son. I would not even mention any of this before your son. Sure, if you are looking at pictures and he asks "who's that?" answer, and then leave it at that.

No use in stressing out over the decisions of old folks. They will do what they want to do. Leave them alone, and do your best to keep that drama out of your life as much as possible.

No big deal. I say that with the most love and respect. My mother went through that with my grandma on my dad's side. My mother is 2 years older with a college degree and she wasn't good enough for her son because she is Filipino and he is white. When my brother's and I would be around her, she would only feed us crackers and water till my mom picked us up. She was awful to her for many many years and my mom always took it and had a smile on her face and respected her MIL. When my brothers and I figured out that she treated us different that our other grandma then we started not liking her. Honestly, your child won't miss out. I am now 27 years old and only see her once a year. I could care less. My son is 6 years old and half Mexican, a quarter White and a quarter Filipino and she has only seen him when we all get together around Christmas time. My daughter is 3 months old and she has never called me or asked about her. My brother has a 2 year old daughter and she has only seen her once.
I think that our lives would have better if we didn't experience racism from our own family, but it made us stronger. My mom is a great mom and I tell her that she shouldn't have gone through all of that for us because we found out ourselves that she wasn't a good person. We all saw that our full white cousins would get awesome presents around Christmas while we got a community gift like a DVD for all of us to share together. We were thankful, but always wondered why. My grandmother to this day only calls my Dad on his cell phone to avoid my Mom too.
Don't put yourself through any negative relationships with her nor push your kids on her. Your son will grow up healthy and happy without her. So, don't loose sleep about what he is missing out on with her because she is the one missing out on enjoying her grandson. My grand mother messed up big time cause she missed out on her grandchildren (my brothers and I) and now her 3 great-grandchildren (my 2 and bro's 1).
Good luck and rest assured, if she doesn't come around, then who cares. :)

My heart goes out to you. In my life, my mother is like your MIL. My mom does not like my husband, and is constantly critical. She's been critical of all of our spouses (3 out of 4 of us are married). She doesn't talk to my brother's wife at all, and she gradually stopped talking to my husband as well.

What I can say as somebody coming from the other side, is there really isn't much you can do. This is a woman who is stuck on her position. She thinks she is right, and in her mind that's all that matters. She justifies her behavior through complex logic that makes no sense to anybody else.

It is tragic that your son will not know his grandparents, but note this is not your preference or even your choice. Your MIL is choosing to exclude herself. You know that old adage that you can't change anybody but yourself? That's the place you have to come to here. While it's hard to accept, there is nothing you can do except accept her behavior.

My parents have little interaction with their grandsons either. Recently we moved 2 hours from them, so now I think they will almost never see them. I've gotten tired of trying to keep fences mended and trying to keep the peace, so I have just accepted this.

I hope you can find a better solution. If you do, please do share. I have tried so much, but nothing ever works.

I know exactly how you feel. My inlaws seemed to like me at first as much as in laws can like someone (however, my husband didn't have the best relationship with his parents in the first place, so I didn't expect them to love me) But as soon as I got pregnant with our son, his mother seemed to disregard the entire fact that I was pregnant at all and wouldn't talk to me. At family functions she would pay no attention to me and walk by me. I would offer to help her out with things and she would say no. She even had the guts to ask my husband why I decided to stop working at 6 months pregnant, when I had been in and out of the hospital from complications! She has done nothing so far for our son (even though she says she will, but doesn't deliver) - she didn't come to our baby shower, and said she'd only buy him things if my side of the family won't buy them first. They have never visited our home, and if my husband wants to see them, we have to go over to their house, even though they live no more than 45 minutes away. The MIL complained when we moved away (we used to live 10-15 minutes away from them) even though where we live now is the only place we can afford. She keeps telling my husband that she wants him to move back closer to her. Honestly, in your situation they are missing out and you should talk with your husband to see what he's willing to do about everything. Good luck!

Doesn't sound like these people are all that "grand" in my opinion. The only thing your son is missing out on is alot of drama and negative behavior, consider him and yourself lucky. I'm sure he has plenty of great relationships with others, I would just move on from this.

Well, perhaps it will make you feel better that my in-laws smiled and talked to me for years and in the last four years it has all surfaced that they never really liked me and I now know they have always talked behind my back. They do it to my BIL's girlfriend as well. They all call each other and discuss their (BIL & girlfriend) problems and have even tried to suck me into it. I just dummy up and say I don't know. I am quite sure the girlfriend isn't sure if I am involved or not because she is friendly with me, but keeps a distance. They are all screaming he needs to leave her and I am now pretty sure they did the same song and dance with me.

But, the good thing in life is we are free to move on with our lives. Don't worry so much about them and soon they won't be able to hurt you. They only hurt you when you allow them to do so. Respect them when they are around, but don't worry yourself with their nonsense.

If they are that mean, your son is better off without them. I sometimes think people look at grand parent relationships with rose colored glasses. Not every grand parent can be nice, spoil the grand kids, bake cookies, tell funny stories, etc.
In my case, I didn't have much in the grand parents department. My Mom divorced my father when I was very young. (He was a monster who would have destroyed us.) The nicest grandparent died before I was born of ovarian cancer. My Mom named me for her (Mom's MIL). My fathers father was a convicted sex offender who was once arrested for running down a street naked wearing nothing but a clear plastic dry cleaners garment bag. He died of complications from syphilis. My Mom's father didn't care much for little kids, but he was pleasant enough. He died of a heart attack when I was 10 yrs old. And my Mom's mother was institutionalized mentally ill. We visited her once a month, but if she wasn't heavily medicated she would have continued punching her fists through plate glass windows. Some of the other ladies in her ward were nice (there was one who was convinced her foot was stuck in a bucket) but most of these lonely people were very confused and called us by their own grand children s names.
Not having grand parents is not the worst thing in the world. You son will be fine.

Whatever family connections your son grows up with will seem normal and acceptable to him, unless you give him reason to think he's missing something worthwhile. Don't lay that grief on him. Help him appreciate and enjoy the positive, loving people in his life. If he ever asks about these grandparents, please don't bad-mouth them. Just tell him something like everybody's different, and if they knew how lovable he was, they'd want to visit a lot.

Sounds like you are better off without your MIL darkening your door. Who needs to have critical, judgemental people hanging around?

Ignore them and show your son the world, it will be their loss and all of his to gain. Shallow people prey on the "weak" to validate their insecurities. Keep your head up. Don't shy away from them. Be yourself even if it hurts inside to stand tall, keep your head up and shoulders straight. Confuse them with self-esteem. LOL!!!! You can do it.

Well... my in-laws.... NEVER came for our wedding. They never came for any of my births. They never came to see my kids/their grandchildren AT ALL, and my eldest child is now 7 years old and I have been married to their son for 13 years.
Not once, have they ever.... visited, for any reason.
They don't live here, in this country. But, ALL of our other friends, have had relatives from many other countries visit them...with no problems. Except... my In-Laws... have never and have never ever, made any kind of attempt, to visit us.
Who wouldn't want to come to Hawaii to visit? They would have free lodging with us etc. BUT NO... they never ever ever ever even try, to visit us nor their grandchildren.
Oh, but they say we 'have to' visit them.
I do not like them.
They never even telephone us or write... and only e-mail maybe once a year. But then they will say HOW COME "we" don't call/write/visit them.

My Husband.. is the one who has to call them and keep in touch. He only does it.... and via Skype... so that our kids... can 'know' them at least marginally. And he has taken my eldest child, to visit them once.

I feel for you.
Your son... can do without them. Really. Your In-laws seem very very toxic. And it would be WAY worse... if they were in your son's life and in your life.... believe me.
I would REALLY consider, not even going to certain functions with them... because they will no matter what, target you. As they always do. AND your Husband should fully be defending you. They are crass and mean. He should not expect you... to be around them. They are ABUSIVE. He can go and do his son duties... but not expect you... to join in. My opinion.

Family is not family... unless they act like it.
I have friends, that are more family... than my In-Laws.

All the best,
Susan

Your son is better off not being around people like that. You and your husband are on the same page so go on and live your lives without their help or approval. Just tell your husband to call his parents once in a while and tell him to say hi to them when he is on the phone. Just be the adult in this situation and always be polite to them when ever you do come across them. Maybe one of these days they will see that you are a great person, wife, and especially a mother. Let them come around. My MIL is the same she hasn't been able to let go of her boys. We don't look for them for anything and they don't bother us. They live like 2 blocks away from us and we could go weeks without seeing them. They hardly see our daughter, but we tell our daughter nothing but good things about them, never bring yourself to their level and bad mouth anyone to your daughter. Good luck and I hope all goes well for you.

I certainly see quite a lot of questions/vents on here regarding difficult in-laws, esp. MILs. It makes me very sad because I just think to myself, "Why can't people put aside their feelings/differences for the good of the children?" Frankly, I think your child is better off not knowing a family member if that member is going to be a poision to the family unit. What about a surrogate-type grandmotherly and grandfatherly type person? Anyone like that in your life? I feel for you and others in this sad position and I wish you much happiness.

Your son isn't missing out on anything by not having these people in his life. The grandparent relationship is special, but these aren't the folks who are going to have it with your son. That is sad, but out of your control. Continue to surround him with people who love him and know how to build healthy relationships and model them!

Hi I.M.,

First of all, I'm so sorry! I think you already know the answer to your question. Your son doesn't need those people in his life. He won't be any worse for not having one set of grandparents. I only know this from experience. We are in the same situation. My husband's father and step monster did the same thing. They got into an argument and have not spoken with us or seen the children since my oldest was 1 (we don't even know if he knows there is a new baby). This is his father's only blood grandchildren and he has no interest which is very sad to me. On the other hand, my girls have my mother and my husband's mother and step father which are their grandparents. Plus, they have all of our friend's parents which are "grandparents" too. My girls will never know my husband's father. In their eyes, their "step grandfather" is all that matters. I hope my story helps. I know you feel bad, but really, do the kids need that negativity in their lives? There are plenty of other people around that will love them and you with no strings attached.

Good Luck!!!!

I do think you're better off w/out their negative energy around you..its their loss..one day they'll realize how much they missed out on..especially if your son asks.."who are these people" or if they ever see your son interacting with your parents..sometimes i wish i didn't have to deal with my ex's mother..i cut his sister completely out of our lives..she was just too passive aggressive and jealous of me..and my life is so much better w/out having to deal with that creep.

i would just pretend they don't exist and don't let it bother you..just know you're great ..you love their son and they're missing out

xo

dd

This may sound simple, but if they are mean, why would you want them around your son? You can't change them, so life will be much easier to just accept things and go on from there. I understand your sadness for you son, as I too, grew up in a similar situation. But again, it is what it is and we just accepted it. I only saw my father's parents 4 times in my entire life before they passed.
Just my two cents,
R.

Plenty of people here have validated for you that, though we all have an ideal image of how grandparents will be for our children--and I am blessed to be able to say that my children have had excellent grandparents--it doesn't always work that way.

What can you do? You can find some beautiful, loving, caring, sweet, and kind older person who lives near you and "adopt" her as your child's "grandma". She will be so happy for the company of your child, and he will be richer for the experience.

If the few times a year he sees his grandparents are fairly positive experiences, it's much better for your son this way than if he saw them frequently and the experience was not so positive. My grandmother (the only grandparent I ever knew - the others passed away before I was born) lived clear across the country, so I only saw her once a year, but I have positive memories of her.

Avoid making your son feel like he's in the middle, or like he has to choose between loving you and loving them. He'll be happier.

HI there,
How sad.....The only thing I can think of is, that if you want your son to have grandparent influences (other then your parents) why don't you bring him to a retirement home and let him socialize with the older generation? I'm sure that many of those elderly would love to sit with your son and read him a book or just talk.
As far as the MIL goes, she will die a lonley old lady. Does she have other grand kids? Does she act the same way with those children? (or not act)
My parents lived far away and we only saw them a few times a year, my husbands mom lives 35 minutes away and we only see her every once in awhile. I just don't get it. My MIL doesn't have a problem with me, she just doesn't take the time to visit....go figure. Thankfully, my parents now moved back to CA and only live an hour away. I see them more then my MIL who lives closer. I think that keeping your distance from the MIL is best (like you said) and maybe one day, things might change.
Good luck to you and your family!

I'm sorry. I hear your heartbreak for your son. Your grandparents must have meant a lot to you and that is such a blessing.

Your husband's parents are not the grandparents your son needs. He's not missing out on anything these particular people have to offer. He is experiencing what they have to offer, and it's pretty abysmal. He's lucky to have limited interaction with them. How would it feel to be obligated to spend time with someone who disparages your mother? That's neither a fun nor healthy situation to be in.

It would be great if he could spend time with better grandparents, but not these grandparents. You can "adopt" a grandparent at a local nursing home. Do it alone first, if you decide to, and if the rapport is right, bring your son. My parents ran group homes for the elderly when I was growing up. My own grandma hated me and the other lived overseas and I never really knew her. But I had no shortage of doting grandparents who knitted me dolls to play with, read me books, told me stories, etc. It was such a blessing to me.

Do you have Skype? You can download it for free and have video calls with your parents (microphone, speakers and web cam are needed, but lots of computers have them built in). We do this with my dd who lives overseas and it keeps us close.

Don't lament not having something which would be no good anyway. Look for better places to find love.

Your child is better off without these cold-hearted people in his life.

I'm sure there are other people in his life that will wind up acting as surrogate grandparents. My daughter has a few people like this in her life, and we are so grateful for their presence and love.

It is their loss. If you don't want to be around them why do you want your son around them? Just because they are blood? Well BLOOD is not a free pass in my book. You still have to earn it. I would adopt yourself some "godparents." this does not have to be a religous thing. I have friends who have done it informally as their kids replacement grandparents. They do all the things "normal"grandparents do. They choose to do it which makes it even more special. (my in laws are the same way pretty much so I say to heck with them. I can live w/o the drama!)

ur son is better off w/o them in his life bringing him down. Maybe down the road things will get better. At least he has ur parents. And u wouldn't want him to be spending time w/them only to hear bad stuff about u..

Just take care of ur famiily- urself, ur son & ur husband..everything will fall into place..

Best of luck...

sounds very very very familiar and a lot of people will agree. the thing to do? live your life. you have to go to a place in your heart and just move on. enjoy your little family fully. every child does NOT have to grow up with grandparents in their life. you will be jealous when you hear other moms talk about it but just move on...i am telling you it is best for your sanity. talk up YOUR parents to your child. every time you visit make it the most special experience with your parents as the stars. and talk talk talk about them when you are at home. "remember when grandmom did ..." or "wasn't granddad awesome when he ..." make THAT the real experience for them and just have fun living your life! it's very hard to do but it's so worth it when you finally "get it" and can overcome. too much energy is used up worrying about it. use that energy for something ... better ... especially where your husband is concerned.

I'm so sorry...we have a similar, although not nearly as bad, situation with my husband's father and his new wife. Lots of conditions come with their love...

For my youngest, who barely knows them, I'm happy to leave it at that. I don't think he needs that kind of conditional love and drama that they bring. It's harder with my oldest who knew his grandfather before this woman came into his life and was used to seeing him all the time before she came on the scene. Truly, we've gone back and forth on this and tried to make it too many times. I don't think either of my sons need examples of love like that. We are not going to discontinue contact, but will do it occasionally and I truly believe that my kids, like all kids do eventually, will realize that they are the "crazy members of the family." I remember we figured out it was my aunt all on our own when we were kids...it's sad, but I've put so much energy into trying to make it better that has each time been wasted. Just want to focus on giving my kids the best childhood I can and being a good example...putting up with their behavior simply because they are family...not a good example.

I think it's better off for your son to not have a relationship with your In-laws then to have that poison in his life. Sadly your son will not have the "ideal grandparents" but at least he will be safe from their mean treatment, and judgemental additude. You also don't know they might say to him about you, and he doesn't need to be hearing whatever they might say about that. My grandmother was truly a wicked woman and I made the choice early that I didn't want my children hearing what she was spewing. Is there grandparents that you could "adopt?" Or maybe visit a retirement home?

Anyway, good luck and I know it's a tough situation!

I love, Love, Love Lisa's response. I can only add this... What are you hoping your child would learn from these family members? If you can't identify a good trait that you would want for your son to pick up from them, why would you want him around them? Likewise, if the BALANCE of the family traits you see are bad, why would you want your son around them even if they DO have one or two good traits? There are toxic grandparents out there. And one of my favorite quotes recently is, "just because the dog occasionally eats from the cats bowl, doesn't make him a cat." Likewise, even if they OCCASIONALLY act like a decent human, if they aren't consistently nice, why be around them? As the other posters mentioned, there are plenty of lonely elderly people who would adore your family and would happily fill the role of grandparents for you in a way that is healthy.
Don't remember which poster had this, but I totally agree that family is only family if they act like it. You would not allow your child to stay with someone who is physically harmful to them, why would you allow them time with someone who is psychologically harmful to them? (And yes, if they are attacking YOU, they are harming your child.)
Just my thoughts.
:-)
jen

Over the years you will find other nice people to be in your son's life. He doesn't need the influence of people like your MIL. You'll never change her, so you're better off keeping her at arm's length. Hold your head high when you're around them. Know that you're a better person.

Been there, done that. Just past 5 years of no contact with MIL or FIL because of very similar circumstances. Struggled with similar feelings about my kids not having grandparents for a long time, but eventually decided it was clearly for the best that there be no contact. Why do my children need a grandmother who hates their mom? And don't you think eventually they will be old enough to figure that out, even if she makes an attempt to hide it? It was a hard, hard decision, not taken lightly. But all these years later, there is no drama, no stress, and we are so much better off. Good luck.

Well, you could say he's better off but he's not getting to know them and that's sad.
Isn't it interesting that the most Ginormous Monster In Laws are the same people whose Monster In Laws didn't like them either? (I know, I have O.!)

They are parents (mostly moms) who have never learned how to let their kids go, fly, soar, etc.

My MIL advice: always take the high road. Ask your hubby how his mom is doing (even if you don't care) and ALWAYS be polite and respectful (even if she doesn't deserve it).

Something to think about maybe is when the economy is a little better or if you are able, move closer to your parents. If his won't appreciate your son, then it will only hurt them in the long run. I applaud your resignation of the present status and not jumping hoops for their acceptance. From what you have posted, you genuinely care about his relationship with his father's parents regardless. Let them chose the course of their own relationship. Hope things work out well for you all.

I know from day one that my FIL doesn't like me at all. He is somehow ok with me now because I gave him his first grandson right after I married his son. Until this day, he's still telling people (behind our back, me and husband, of course) that his son can do a lot better. I have being married for five years now. And I know for fact that my MIL grew to like me because her son married me and there is nothing she can do to except me. Everytime things aren't going so well with FIL, like my older son who prefer my MIL than him or my husband, his only son, doesn't listen to him. Somehow he would make it my false and tell me to fix it, if it doesn't then he thinks it's totally my false, because I didn't do what he tell me to do. And my MIL is so afraid of him, she just pretend either not hearing any of it or not knowing anything about it. Even though my husband knows about it, there is nothing he can do... Over the years, I do the best I can to avoid him what-so-ever. I don't interact with him unless I have to.

The latest thing bother me with my in-laws is right after my younger son was born. I have two sons, a four years old and six months old. Don't give me wrong, they love my older son to death. Ever since he was born, they wanted to be around him 24/7 and demand me to bring him over to their every single day which that's want I did. Until about one year and half ago, I told my husband that I can't take it anymore, and I was just pregnant with my second son, so we started him with preschool. Right after my in-laws heard that we, they know it's all my idea, decided to put him in preschool full time, they flip out and blame me that they can't spent as much time they want with him. Ultimately, my husband think that after our second son was born, they will likely did the same as our older son that want to see him or be with him all the time. But the fact is, right after he was born I noticed that my MIL didn't even want to hold him or interact with him, and they never once ask me to bring him over or come to visit. (not like I want them to be in our house) They only live 10 mins away from us. Their focus are still on my older son 100%. I love that they love my older son to death, but it's totally not fair to my younger one... Maybe the fact is, they want a granddaughter instead of another grandson... Just recently I came to a conclusion that if they don't want to be around him or interact with him and they want to miss out their grandson's life, then it's their choice. They choose not wanting be around him, then it's their loss. I know later on he would notice that difference they treated him and his brother, but I just have to prepare myself to let him know that we love him very very much. And I think even though he is only six months old, but he knows, because everytime they try to hold him, he will start to fuss or cry...

You know what??? Your son might be better off not being around them, especially your MIL. Kids pick up everything around them, even though we don't say it out loud but they know. And it's totally their loss not to know you and your son. It might be a good thing that he doesn't be around them who treats his mother badly anyway...

M.

Families and MIL are not always going to be how we thought they would be. How could they not love your son as much as you do right?? Think about how this situation is GOOD for your son.....he wont hear the bickering back and forth (he will pick up on that). If they are not interested.....let them go and you are free to live a happy life. It is truly their loss to not know their grandson. I can relate....my mother moved to China from California and is never coming back. Good luck!

Why again do you feel guilty that your son doesn't have mean, judgmental people in his life, much less his formative years?

Just to know... I grew up in the military. I saw my grandparents once a year, and being only 3000 miles away was actually us being "nearby" (because we would be in the same country). Rarely spoke to them on the phone (not when calling overseas used to cost $8 a minute), but I was VERY close with them. They were wonderful people, and I was always *thrilled* to see them in the summers.

My son, on the other hand, has had his Nana & Papa in his life since day one... but *I* feel guilty he only gets to see them a few hours at a time. We'd spend 2-6 weeks every summer with my grandparents. There's nothing like waking up early and having them fix breakfast while mum slept, nothing like the long walks and talks, and the sheer amount of ___________, that happens when you get to have an extended visit/ actually live with people for awhile.

I didn't miss out only seeing my grandparents once a year, I was BLESSED to have that experience growing up. Family isn't distance.