"Mean Girls" at Church

Matthew 18:15-17 gives the answer:

"Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican."

There have been so many times at church where this instruction was not followed and it led to a great deal of problems. Most of the time, people just decided to gossip and share offenses with others and this will destroy a church.

Just read your update. One problem is that you assume that you worship the same God. That's not what church means. Everybody who attends has issues that don't disappear just because they step onto that property on Sunday morning. It has nothing to do with your Christianity. The sooner you get over that, the sooner you'll be able to avoid being swept under by this. It's not their fault that you have these expectations of Christian lifestyle, based on what you think it should be. Unless you're friends or have some other actual interactive relationship, no one should be expected to stop and speak to you just because you're in the same place. It's not even rude not to speak. In fact, I think that it's rude to pretend to like someone if you don't. These people are not your friends, and that's okay. You just have ot work on yourself to protect yourself from getting caught up in their waves. It really doesn't have to affect you in this way.

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Um, yes, you most certainly can "fire off like that at church people". Why would you expect people at church to be different from anywhere else? People are always exactly who they are. You shouldn't necessarily use ALL your words (lol--like I tend to do), but you should keep them from running all over you.

You've only cited one specific incident, so I can't reply to anything else. I think that it is more than appropriate for you to have removed yourself from her personal space and not let her put her arm around you...and ignored her feigned concern for you. Hold your head--and even your nose--up and make her have to get your attention to say anything at all to you.

If it means so much to you, play their game with them. Example: When this woman puts her arm around you, you can look her in the eye and tell her in a voice that only the two of you can hear, "If you don't get your f---ing hand off of me, I'll cut it off." She won't know what to do, and you'll get a good laugh for later! They only do it because no one lets them know that it's unacceptable. Be the one they won't even look at because you're not impressed and won't be manipulated. Go to church and commit yourself to service, and don't let those knuckleheads distract you.

You have to establish your own boundaries. This is a great challenge for church-goers--you figure out why you're really there. It's a relationship just like any other relationship. Maybe you've just been attending and serving in regular old fashion. Now, it's time for you to step it up. Why are you there? People go to church for different reasons, and what you do there shows you who you are. It's not meant to be an escape to get away from he rest of the world. It's meant to give you glaring lessons in how to build yourself up to deal with what goes on in the rest of the world. Nobody gets a pass because it's church. Don't bash anyone over the head (unless you just gotta), but you must hold people accountable for how they treat you. This doesn't mean that you are to punish them; there's a difference. If someone feigns an interest in your well-being, say aloud, "You've never expressed that interest before. What made you think of me?" and look at that person like you expect an answer. It's not mean, and they know from this that you are a thinker and won't just fall into their foolishness. They'll either have a different approach with you or leave you alone altogether. You can't be afraid, though, to adhere to your boundaries. Once you get firm on that with yourself, it won't be so hard for you to hold them with others.

If all else fails, just slap them...one by one...no words needed.

I would start by saying PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! Pray for them because they obviously don't have their hearts in the right place, and that is a sad thing. Pray for your own heart attitude and really examine why this bothers you so much. Your own relationship with God is the bottom line and while I understand that you have to function as a body of believers in your church, you can't let their behavior affect your own. I would take some serious time to pray (a lot) and see where God is leading you in this situation. He may be calling you to be an example to them of what humble service looks like.

The only other thing I can suggest is to try to get to know them better one on one. Corner one of them by themselves (or call them or send an email) and ask them out to lunch or something one day. You don't want to include the whole group at once because then you'll just seem like an outsider, but invite just one of them and see if you can just spend some time with them talking about the things you do in the church and why you enjoy it so much. Tell them that you love helping teach their kids in Sunday School or take care of their babies in the nursery. Ask them what they like to do and see if you can help get them plugged into an area of service that they would enjoy.

Admittedly, this is a tough situation for you and I am sorry that this even exists in a church, but I would recommend against "firing off" at them since that is certainly not how Jesus would handle the situation (although it sure is tempting given our imperfect human tendencies!). In the end, it is your behavior and your heart that you will have to answer for and all you can do is be an example to them and let the Holy Spirit guide their hearts. Do your best to maintain the right attitude and try to befriend them so that they have more visibility into what it's like to be a good servant. I'll say a prayer for all of you and for your church. I hope this was helpful.

When I was about 8 or so, I recall my M. had trouble with some ladies in church. One day my sisters and I were waiting what seemed like forever in the car to go home from the service, so my sisters sent me out of the car to go find my M.. To my shock, I found her physically fighting a woman on the hood of a car!!!! That was almost 30 years ago and I still remember it. I know no one bothered my M. again. While I don't believe violence is the answer, verbally telling off the bullies couldn't hurt. You are obviously not the only person they intimidate. I bet you would have quite a few supporters. Good luck.

I know your pain very well. I suspect that these women were the same girls who left other girls in tears in Jr. High.

It is sad that church can be such a hurtful place, but I know that it can. Although it appears to you that the minister is aligned with the meanies, he may not know that he is seen that way. You might be doing him a favor by discussing this with him privately... at least discussing your feelings about it.... not accusing him.

Firing off at someone seldom helps. It just demotes you to their level. Better to run in a separate circle from them at church (if it is a big enough church to do so), and pray for them in private. (I'm remembering the line from the Sermon on the Mount about praying for those who persecute you.) That's really hard when someone has humiliated you as the one lady did.

I don't know what your denomination is, but it may be time to visit new churches. That might make it feel like the meanies "won", but the truth is that with meanies involed, no one wins. You can just care for yourself and your family. As I said above, I do know your pain, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

You and your husband should talk to the pastor about your concerns. Tell him you are at the point of leaving the church. He should desire to have peace between all of you, and should suggest everybody have a meeting. If he dismisses your concerns, I would leave. There are lots of good churches out there.

I am sorry if this hurts yours or any one else's feelings. But I would tell them in a nice way that just because I don't have the kind of money they have does not mean I want get to heaven. I would also let your pastor and the staff know about this. I once attended a church that had a very wealthy family and the pastor did the same thing but you know what happened? When the pastor made them upset they left the church. Money dosen't mean you can treat anyone like the paper it is made of. That makes me so upset with people in general but especially those who call themself "Christens". WWJD

I think you should switch churches. It is such a shame that there are people (in church mind you) that act like that. It should be the one place you can escape to. I have so much trouble trying to convince my brother of faith, and each time he categorizes me in with this mind set that Christians are so hypocrites, when they are supposed to be represtenting something good. I can't tell you how hard it is, and how bad it feels when 2 or 3 people ruin it for eveyone else. I wish I could say that it will be different at a new church, but it seems like no matter where you go there will always be people out there that are mean and will do anything to fit in. God has his perfect timing for them, just as he will for you when it's your time to shine and be seen.
God Bless and Good Luck,

I love this question! I think it hits at the heart of what a lot of people think: that if you have more money than someone else, it's a sign God loves you more. But the interesting thing is, that doesn't explain the verses in 2 Cor. about the extreme poverty the Macedonian church was experiencing. Surely God loved them?

"1 And now, brothers and sisters, we want you to know about the grace that God has given the Macedonian churches. 2 In the midst of a very severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. 3 For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, 4 they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the Lord’s people. 5 And they exceeded our expectations: They gave themselves first of all to the Lord, and then by the will of God also to us."

But what I'm finding, the older I get, is that illness and financial reverses can happen to snobby people. And it's interesting--I've had to deal with snobby football mothers and snobby women in the church's high school ministry where I also help-- some of the worst snobs it turns out, have less money than I do.

I got my feeling hurt again at church this morning. A super-snobby woman planted herself next to the person I was talking to, waiting to break into the conversation. She wasn't about to speak to me--wasn't even going to make eye contact! After she jumped in, I looked directly at her and said, "Jamie, how are you today?" She replied, but kept it curt. For Pete's sake!

So, I tell myself to let God deal with her and get His vengeance. I need to focus on being right with God and being the best I can be.