Married to a So Rude Person, Will He Ever Change

Yes, he will change... he will probably get worse.

Oh my. I had to respond to this. K., he sounds EXACTLY like my ex husband. My ex is bipolar and is taking medicines for ADHD. I only found this out about him after almost 4 years of marriage AND a child born from us. I had no idea he was sick (his family did not EVER mention anything to me!), at first you think those are personality quirks, or even defects you come to accept because nobody is perfect after all. The mood swings, the anger, the sociopathy they show to other people (and to wives - has he ever given you the cold shoulder or the dirty looks yet?) by being rude, the utter unwillingness (or rather impossibility) to empathize with people other than themselves can really escalate and you can't controll them. To me, it happened and it was sudden and horrible, it changed my life. If what I described sounds like your hubby and you want to talk to me privately, please do so, it may be helpful for you to just see things in a matter-of-fact perspective. You owe it to yourself and to your children. My advice is to get educated about the illness, it'll make a difference.

I'm interested in the other responses.

I think it's important for him to learn social graces. If your marriage is solid otherwise, maybe you can gently but firmly suggest that it is really important to you that he do so. Maybe a counselor or something could help out with it.

This type of male becomes increasingly unattractive, so I think it's important that you push this point. How to do that, however, is another issue.

Good luck.

p.s. - His mother should have taught him these things.

Here is the thing, I am as ADD as any human can be without being Autistic. Nothing you humans do makes a darn bit of sense to me. You guys are not logical, not at all, not men, not women, totally illogical!

I love Troy for so many reason but the biggest is that he gets I don't see the world like most people do. He doesn't hold it against me. In return when he says enough I stop complaining.

If y'all could see the world through my eyes you would know you are crazy. As it is I am the freak so I have learned to play nice with others.

Thing is I wanted to change, I wanted to appear normal. If your husband doesn't think he has a problem there is little chance he will change.

Let me give you an example. At work someone does something and everyone says thank you. They say it, not because they mean it, they say it because it is the "nice" thing to do. To me this is lying. I will thank anyone because I am thankful not because it is a nice thing to do. Thankfully those who know me and work with me understand this about me. Kinda makes my thank yous a little more special. :)

I get that it makes me look a bit strange socially but if you take the time to understand the demons that drive the behavior it seems more "normal".

Does he have empathy at all?

Does he have any OCD tendencies?

You say ever since you met him he has been like this?
You say "Here is my problem right now, he is so rude to people" this makes this sound like some where he changed.

Does he have friends? Does he do ok at work? Is he different at work?

If this is changed behavior, I would think something physically is happening or something physiologically is happening.

Remember children learn all sorts of things from their parents. They are ALWAYS in tune to the atmosphere they live in.

My parents were worried about telling us about their separation. All they said to me was "we need to tell you something", and I told them "You are getting a divorce." They were shocked an in tears. They had no idea I was aware of their situation.

You and your husband need to have a heart to heart, without the children around. You need to tell him you love him, but you are very concerned about his attitude. Ask him what is going on? Why does he seem so unhappy? Ask him what has changed? Then ask him, how you can help him and what is he thinks he needs.

I am sending you strength. You all deserve to be happy and to have a husband/father who is not only physically healthy but also emotionally happy.

No. If this is what he's always been like, he is unlikely to change. If you thought you could or would change him with your love, you are mistaken. If this is his choice of behavior, why would he change it? Doesn't seem to be hurting him any, he still has you and the kids, the behavior hasn't driven you away. You don't have control over him, the only control you have is whether you continue to be married to him and put up with it, or exit the marriage.
Good luck

If you love him and want to work on the marriage, I would suggest seeing a counselor. A third person is great because she can keep things calm while you're getting your feelings out. She will also get you guys on the direction towards better days.
Sometimes it's good if someone other than you or his family brings these things to his attention. He might be more apt to listen. Good luck. That is rough. I feel for you. :(

Um... you presumably were at least introduced to your husband before you married him so unless he's had some kind of massive personality change you knew this before you walked down the aisle. I'm sorry that it has taken you 8 years to realize that you don't enjoy your husband, but at this point the reality is that he isn't going to change, so you need to either find another way to tell him that his temperament is damaging to you, ignore it or leave.

boy how did you get beyond dating???? LOL. How does he treat you? Has he always been this way? Have you asked him why he "hates" people? I would go from there and start talking and having a very serious conversation about this and your future.

I know this might sound cliche, but just pray for him and be sure you aren't that way. More than likely your kids won't pick up on his behavior because of your good standards they will see his as wrong. He sounds a lot like my dad and my mom is overly nice and polite to people also. None of us kids carried on our fathers trait (except when we're talking to each other:) ). Just pray for him and set a good example, you never know what his parents were like for him to be this way. My dads mom was always telling him he wasn't as good as his brothers and sisters and comparing what he did to why he didn't do it like so and so. She was very cold!

My husband has told me that he is so tired from interacting with people all day that he does not want to go out to socialize after work. He can be polite to coworkers and customers on the phone, but isn't with his relatives. Maybe he doesn't feel as much pressure with them. His father has issues too and has been fired from jobs for making insensitive remarks. Sometimes I remind my son that he can learn how to handle anger from his teachers, and doesn't have to follow dad's example.
What about a class in something like public speaking or communications? Then the motivation to change could be new opportunities instead of politeness.