Sorry, This Is Long but I Need Advice

One of the reasons why I am marrying my fiancee is because of how he treats my daughter. Because he is able to see PAST the fact that she is a kid and how kids act and separate himself from the actual situation. He supports me and the decisions I make regarding her, but he also offers input and acts almost like a buffer sometimes between us. In short.... we are as lucky to have him as he is to have us.

That's how blending a family should be. If he weren't supportive, he WOULD be making me choose sides. Even if he didn't say that. It's still making me choose who to support. Who to spend time with. If he would do that..... everyone would LOSE.

Clearly there are issues if she is 19, pregnant and just now graduating from High School. If she had a personality change 2 years ago..... why? You don't just write kids off because they get into some trouble. You help them get back on track.

Yes, you should go to her graduation. What would be even better is if you started to act like the adult in the situation. Parents give because that's what they do... that's how they are.... that's how they love.

She is 19 with a high school diploma (thank goodness for that). She will still need support. I'm a 40 year old single mom with a master's degree and sometimes I still need support from my family.

You can lead by example. Either way. Which way do you want to lead her? To know what kind of mom to be? or what kind of mom not to be?

Good luck.

I don't think you'll like any answer that isn't the same opinion as yours. Seems like your husband is tired of his wife complaining about his daughter. Why don't you minimize your interactions with her but, try to be loving and friendly.

Your husband will always have a certain amount of anger and possibly resentment if you come between he and his daughter. Stop complaining to him about her in the "ME' sense. This is Her graduation, it's not about you and your turning what should be a very happy event into a miserable all about you and your feelings situation.

No matter what she will always be his baby and you can't change that. So what if you aren't close like a mother and daughter. Stop having expectations of what you "think" your relationship should be and try to work on what you can have with her.

If you want to be a woman, a good stepmom/ wife then yes, you should go...and leave the drama behind.

I agree that you should go. I remember having such angst with my step-mom when I was about your step-daughters age. She was the disciplinarian and my dad was the "good guy." I was a typical teenager that thought she was unfair, mean, never let me do anything and on and on. Thank goodness she had the wisedom to understand that I was going through a stage of angst and never seemed to hold it against me. She gave me space, and when I made an effort with her, she reciprocated 100%. While she was kind to me, it was also clear that I needed to participate in the relationship.

Eventually, I grew up and my step-mom and I are very close now. I think this relationship is in your hands. I think you need to give her her space (but not exclude her), be civil to her, even nice, eventhough she may not take warmly to you. Ask her questions, start conversations and be kind. If she ignores you, then that's on her. She may start to reciprocate or not. If she does, don't hold past behavior against her, otherwise you will never have a relationship.

It may seem like 19 is grown, and may seem even more so since she is having a baby, but it really is not. She still has a lot to learn about life and relationships.

As far as not inviting your mother to the graduation ceremony - I'm not sure why it was her decision. Couldn't you have bought an extra ticket for your mother and just told your daughter "I've bought a ticked for my mom to attend your graduation. She has been there for you a lot over the years and it's the right thing to do." Problem solved, plus you daughter may have learned something about how to treat other people.

Yes, you are wrong. But I don't imagine that anyone here telling you that is going to make a difference. You aren't actually coming here to really get advice. You are trying to get people to agree with you. That's the way it is with your other threads too.

You act like 19 is grown up. It isn't. How old is your friend? SHE'S the grown up one between you three. Of course you go to your husband's daughter's graduation. You let HIM deal with the missing ticket. You keep your mouth closed and don't rain on her day. It's a miracle that she's graduating in the first place, seeing that there is a baby in the picture.

You keep on this course you're on, the one that is all about how bad your SD is, and she won't have to ever speak to you again - I wonder if that is what you actually really want.

(sigh) "Be realistic here people, how would you feel."

Well, the honest truth would be: you are the issue. Most stepfamilies go thru transition periods. Most stepfamilies harbor issues. But you are splitting your family/marriage with your angst with your stepdaughter. You are so sensitive to her every action...that she's in a no-win situation. & I say "you" because she was not an adult until recently.

Suck it up! Time to wear the big girl panties! So what if she didn't invite your moms.....they're not her family! When she is older & has matured, hopefully she'll realize the importance of extended families. Time to make it right with your DH too...

I understand you're hurt and your pain but you are the adult and 19 whle legally is an adult in actuality it is far from an adult because most 19 year olds still can't support themselves financially and still need you so very much.

She is 19, graduating, and pregnant. She needs all hands on deck. Teenaged daughters/stepdaughters should not be seen as friends and may not be friendly to any close mother figure. That is sometimes the nature of growing up.

You should go to the graduation and require respect from her but you also must respect her too. You don't have to like her or her decisions but you should respect her because you want her to respect you back. Model the behavior you expect from her. This girl, almost woman and soon to be mother is missing so much in her life. She needs the wisdom and love from all the mothers in her life and that includes you and your mother too.

By the $2.00 ticket and keep it moving. She has every right to invite whom she wishes and you just plan and execute accordingly. If you continue to make your husband choose between you and his daughter you will loose that fight and your marriage in the process. Decide what is important to you and move towards reconciliation and healing, genuine love and support.

UPDATED
I read your SWH and it makes me so sad for you and your family. Your actions say you don't care. People hear what you say but what you do holds more weight. If you believe your stance against your husband's daughter will not negatively impact your marriage you have even deceived yourself. He has made his commitment to his daughter over you very apparent. When your actions dismiss and reject his daughter you are in action rejecting an important part of him. You are making decisions that I believe will negatively impact your future if you don't choose to change the decisions you are making towards reconciliation. Get counseling it will really help. I'll keep you and your family in prayer.

Please do go to the graduation, and get her a baby shower gift as well. If she is 19 and pregnant she has a lot on her plate and needs all the support she can get. I know it is really tough to be ignored in your own home, but I think it is pretty evident that she's got some issues that are not of your making. How you treat her throughout the turmoil will help her. She needs you now more than ever.

I think you're doing exactly the right things (not attending baby shower, not attending graduation) IF your goal is to completely wreck any relationship you ever hope to have with her. And as an added bonus, you can tick off your husband and ruin that relationship as well.
When you got married, you got a buy O.-get O. free deal. She is his daughter. He is her FATHER. That's BLOOD.
The best place for you to be? At your husband's side, as his wife...in attendance.

I think she has finally won. She has pushed and pushed you and you finally caved in and acted just like she thought you would.

I would tell hubby I had hurt feelings over the graduation thing since she didn't invite any of your family. Then in front of him just apologize to her. Hopefully that she'll understand how important she is to you and your family.

I would then, behind his back since he told you flat out he's not giving her up, start looking for some sort of work out side of the home. Even if it is volunteer work I would not be in that house during the day. I would stay gone until hubby is home on some days so he can see how it was when he left and how it is when you're not there.

Especially after the baby comes. Do you really want to be a grandparent raising a grandchild during the day then when hubby gets home this "model" parent comes into existence so dad will believe what she says over you. You'll be expected to watch this baby while she sleeps, while she watches TV, what ever it is she does in her room all day. She will pawn this child off on you as much as possible. You will become this child's free babysitter and it will be used as power the rest of your life in her family. It will be "IF you don't let me lay in bed all day I won't ever let you see this baby again and I'll be sure and tell daddy that it's your fault he can't see his grandbaby". She is very good at this.

Or she may stay in her room all day like she has been and if you hear crying and her not responding to the baby you'll come off as a "B" if you mention to dad she's not taking care of the baby.

Either way you are screwed.

Taking a job will give you money that you don't have to be accountable for and time out of this situation and will give you a different perspective. It will also give you time to install a nanny cam in several locations. They have them where they are wirelessly hooked up to a specific computer. They store on the hard drive and you can watch them over and over and even make copies on a thumb drive. You will need to make a back up copy every few days just in case there is a storm or power surge of some sort where the computer is destroyed, if you have it all on a thumb drive on your key ring in your purse then no one knows it is there.

Once you have the camera's in good places like the kitchen, family rooms, the hallway her room is in very well hidden too. She may find one then go looking for others. I would just let her do what ever she has been doing. Knowing it was all being caught on the hard drive of the computer.

I would not let her win, she is old enough to sign up for low income housing. She is old enough to be on food stamps and WIC, she can get it now since she is pregnant, WIC will continue for her if she is breastfeeding and WIC will supply formula for the baby once it is born. The child can receive WIC until their 5th birthday.

She needs to decide to move out and be independent. She needs to decide she wants to live somewhere else. If it's your idea it will be seen as mean and uncaring. She is the boss of this house. Not dad, not you.

EDIT:

From your SWH you have made your bed now you will be living in it. Lines were drawn in the sand and the daughter went to her aunt's after the birth of her child because she did not feel welcomed in the home. I hope that makes you feel good. Don't expect her to come to you for anything as the olive branches have been burned and there is no turning back. You had a chance but because you were not the bigger it is now gone. Your marriage maybe on the rocks as well. Life is not always all about you. Time to grow up and put your big girl panties on the right way.

Haven't read the past history. However, you have to put certain things aside when you are a step-parent. You married a man with a child and that was a complete package deal. So now you become the third wheel to the situation and sometimes the last part of the wheel.

You have to learn that you are not first woman in the marriage the daughter is. You are upset that you don't get the "me" time with hubby because of the daughter. Well you are going to have to find a way to do this without complaining to hubby about what daughter does. If you don't you will have no marriage.

I gather that step-daughter was young when hubby and you got together and your mom did things for her as a grandmother/granddaughter including the taking and bringing from school and such. Somewhere in the picture, the step-daughter had something happen to her. Maybe her mom or someone else came into the picture and put "words" into her head that have caused the change. Now that she is about to be a mom and the hormones are raging in all ways, it is hard to deal with her but you must. You have to put aside any of the huge darts that were slung at you and be the bigger person and guide her. It's what we learn about ourselves in times of crisis as to how we deal with things when they are calm as to the type of person we become.

Go to the graduation, bring flowers and be her biggest cheerleader. Cheer the fact that she is graduating and getting a diploma and that this will help her with getting a job to support her and her child. When the hype dies down have a lunch with her and speak kindly to her about how she compeleted the first hurdle in her new life (graduation). Ask her about her next hurdle (birth) and how she is going to handle that. Let her explain her plain of childcare and such. Once she does that and you can take notes, let her know how much you will or will not do for her. Maybe you can support her emotionally and not financially. You make that decision and stand firm. Remember you can only control and change you and no one else. Your own child is watching your actions to this situation and taking notes.

Do apologize to hubby for your behavior. If necessary get a bit of counseling to help you through this tough time. Don't sweat the small stuff and be the adult the bigger person.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS Life is too short to worry about what you can't change and whom you can't change.

Yeah I think you should go. Bigger person and all that.

I think the problem is not the way you are feeling, but maybe that you are publicizing too much the way you are feeling (All I know is your post, but you kind of sound outspoken and opinionated and it does sound like your husband is tired of hearing of it). No need for these grand declarations of how you are no longer supporting her, she is grown, she should do this, she should do that. Well if she's grown she's gonna do what she's gonna do, invite who she's gonna invite, let her be. Sure I'd be miffed my mom wasn't included after what all she did for her in her younger days... but thats just YOUR opinion. And you know what they say about opinions.

Anyway, sure be annoyed, but tone it all down, give your husband some peace to just go and enjoy his daughters graduation without you making it about you and how you're slighted and your moms slighted, and she will never like you and all that. It was HER choice, her day, she invited who she wanted, just go and be there. Sounds like you had a hand in raising her too so enjoy it and be proud. And if you need to step back in the future and let this 19 year old woman go on her way and do her own thing without your involvement and opinions I think thats great. Just do it quietly.

Thats my take on the situation~ Good luck to you.

My husband is kind of in the same situation. He thinks my son doesn't want anything to do with him and wasn't going to go but he said he is now. The only person it was hurting was me. We are the ones that are supposed to teach the children to be good people and do the right thing whether we like it or not. Later in life you two may become closer and you would feel bad that you didn't attend her important event. Suck it up and go. Be the bigger person here and support your husband. You wouldn't want the relatives thinking something is going wrong in your marriage if you weren't there or that you are the person she may be telling them you are. Go be friendly and hug her and tell her you are proud of her:)

go-and give her a big lavish gift, too

Yes, you are wrong. You are stooping to her immature level. You need to be an example of a loving mom and woman that hopefully she will grow up to be. Yes, you go to her baby shower, Yes, you go to her graduation, that's what moms (and step moms) do, even if their feelings are hurt by the person. None of the b.s. matters, family and extended family stick together no matter what. So if I were you, I would appologize to her for not going to her shower, tell her that you are there for her if she needs you and go to the graduation to support her AND your husband. And if your mom wants to go, whether she was invited or not, I would buy her a $2 ticket and bring her too so your step daughter sees that she has family that will still support her even when she hurts their feelings. You don't overly have to go out of your way for her, but you do need to be involved with her life and show that you are there to support her and that your family sticks it out, even when its tough. Good luck.

I think you should go. Kids do all kinds of things that hurt their parents feelings, but we're the adults and need to suck it up.

Once she has her baby and she matures a bit, things will change and you will be glad you did not give up on the relationship. You need to love her unconditionally and let her see that you do.

Do you have kids? In case you don't (and it sounds like you don't, or else you'd "get" it), kids are a LIFETIME commitment, even when they are 19 years old and acting like spoiled brats. To expect your husband to give up on his own daughter, no matter how ungrateful or irresponsible she is, is being a very unsupportive wife.

Do you not remember what it was like to be a teenager? I doubt you were perfect. Your step daughter is not unusual, she is acting her age. Teenagers are selfish & moody, trying to find themselves & confused about life & where they fit in. Add to all of that the fact that she is pregnant & she has A LOT on her plate. This is not about keeping score or being catty because you didn't get a "thank you" or invited to a party. You are reading into things that may not even exist.

Try to get over "you" and focus on being supportive of your husband, his daughter & your new grandbaby that will be here. The girl just needs to know that you're there & available when she needs you.

I agree that you should go. I understand you and your mother being upset that she didn't invite her, but she may have felt that even though your mother sounds like she was a caregiver some of the time - that she should invite her blood relatives to the actual ceremony. Are you having a dinner or get together afterwards? If so, invite your mom to it.

You mentioned she is going to have a baby in a few weeks. Sounds like she is going through a lot. She's not quite an adult yet (age-wise yes but not maturity) and she's learning to adjust to her new almost adult lifestyles - where pretty soon she won't be going to school anymore, will have a new baby and will have to provide for that baby and get a job (assuming she doesn't have one). WHere is the father of the baby? If he's not in the picture, that is more stress.

You said she changed at age 17 but she's 19 now...so I assume it's not the pregnancy that has caused her to change.

I would be polite and coridal but no go out of my way to help her or talk to her. Have you and your husband discussed what happens after baby gets here? Will you help support her/the baby? Will she work? If you do not feel like she gives you the time of day and is rude and mean, I would make it clear to her and him that you are not going to assist in any way (or tell her what you are willing to do). Otherwise that may create more tension if she has the understanding that you and her father will help out and then you do not. It sounds like you need to sit down - the three of you - and duke it out - nicely, of course. But talk it out. Get it out in the open!!!!

I dont blame you for not wanting to go, but I guess its one of those suck it up to keep the peace moments. Does this 19 year old pregnant girl still live in your home? If so, does she have plans to move out after her graduation? Have you sat down with her and talked to her? Asked her why she has this attitude with you afterall you have done and provided for her? It sounds like she isnt very grateful. What about the girls mother? Where is she? Sorry all these questions just keep coming into my mind trying to figure out why she feels the need to be so rude to you. GOOD LUCK!

Some people are just assholes. And when it's your spouses family unfortunately you just need to suck it up, stick a smile on your face and get through it. Your husband will NEVER get over you not going to his daughters graduation. NEVER.
You should go, but, I wouldn't put in any other effort. No party, no cleaning for a party, no work for you. You're just going to support your husband, not his daughter. Make sure he knows that, do the best fake smile you can muster, it'll be uncomfortable and will be one of the longest days of your life, but you can do it. Good luck!