Bring a Gift Because It Is Expected?

My mom taught me it's rude to show up at a praty empty handed.
I would go and take a baked good. Cookies, cupcakes or something.
If I knew the kid personally, I'd make something I know is thier favorite.

I'm guessing not but did Troy ASK if this was a gift party and they REPLIED "gifts are not necessary but he is putting any cash gifts in his savings account"???

If they said instead, come over sat lil Joey is graduation 8th grad and we are having a BBQ and he wants cash. then that's a little different.

You dont' seem like you care what people think so my advice would be to go and not bring a gift.

I personally think that it is 'graduating' into HS...

Although, I did NOT receive any gifts or have a party when I 'graduated' from 8th grade...I did have a lil' ceremony at school and had to wear a dress! Ha!

~I vote to go and give some cash...but it is for a 13/14 y/o so I say $20 is
PLENTY!

FWIW: It is SO tacky to ask for cash and I would NEVER EVER do that! Did Troy ask what the kid wanted by chance? That makes a difference, if Troy asked and the parent answered with "Cash" that is one thing...but inviting you and then throwing out that the kid wants cash is just plain WRONG! What is the deal with some people these days? I just don't get it!

This from the Momma of a recent 8th grade "graduate".

We attended the graduation ceremony a few days ago. It was very sweet sentimental and a little bit sad. We went out for a celebratory dinner at Benihana with some of her friends and their families.

Her Dad and I got her an iphone, her fist cell, because of the outstanding job she did in middle school and almost perfect GPA every single trimester. Grammie sent her $20 and here little sister made her a cute embroidered purse.

It's OK to call it a graduation, they are graduating from middle school up to HS. It is not OK to over-do the whole thing and turn it into some ridiculous "Isn't little Billy special" event where people are expected to fawn over the new graduate and shower him with gifts.

It is NEVER OK to tell people what to give as a gift when inviting them to a party over the phone. I would bring a card and nothing else.

I don't want to irk anybody out there, but I agree that this is silly. We, as a country , have started to celebrate everything and tell our children that they are special for everything they accomplish. This seems to encourage the idea that graduating 8th grade is just a special as graduating high school or college. A party or some kind of get together, yes. But actual gifts? No.

I always thought the gifts after high school or college were for getting your adult life started. This just seems to be another moment to baby our kiddos instead of instilling a sense of what they really need to accomplish in life. If our country continues to teach our children that life is all about them and what they get, we are going to be in big trouble globally, I fear!

I love this particular high school teacher's graduation speech, if you want a more eloquent idea of how I feel!

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/high-school-graduatio...

I think 8th grade graduation is a VERY significant milestone. For me, I only go for Kindergarten, 8th grade, 12th grade, college & professional school graduations.

Until 8th grade the students have been treated like children. 8th grade graduation is a rite of passage that marks their entrance into the more advanced, demanding, responsible world of high school. It shows them that they are no longer little kids, but are now young men and women.

My parents had 5 kids, and sent all of us to Catholic schools, so we had VERY little money for parties, etc. But, ALL of us were given 8th grade graduation parties. And yes, we did receive modest gifts from our family who attended.

Go along and give the kid 25 cents.

Added - Dad, you're so funny!

Original:
You know my views on the gift issue for grads younger than high school, so here is my opinion on your question specifically. Since you have gotten the "gift/money grubbing" front and center, either give a card with $5 in it, or don't go to the party.

It shows a very important thing that you don't agree with this ($5 is a LITTLE bit of an insult) and not going really drives home that you don't believe in it.

Dawn

I'd grit my teeth, plaster a smile on my face and bring the gift. I don't have to agree with the rules of engagement but I was raised well enough to know when to play nicely. Also greeting rude with rude is not helpful. Two wrongs don't make a right.

We never did celebrate graduations except for the real ones - high school and college. Even then they were half hearted affairs. I come from a long line of folks who don't give out pats on the back for doing what is expected.

Greg & Nicky's BF is graduating from 8th grade next week - no party. No gifts.

Sorry - but really?!?!?! it's a celebration of surviving middle school and moving on to High School - why do kids needs gifts for this??!?!?! I could go on and on about this - but really? NO GIFT!!!

Yes. Bring the cash-ola.

Even non-conformists like you (that's a compliment), need to have the skill of "going along to get along". This is the perfect time to practice that skill, to make sure you still got it. :)
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If you can stomach the hypocrisy - invite JUST that family for a grad party. Couple hours...whatya think they'll bring - $50 a kid? $100...so that's $50 per hour.

Is that conversation worth $50 per hour - in cash that you'll have to fight the kids for? :)

I think its very tacky to "request" a gift. I would not bring one. Its 8th grade!

I wouldnt give a gift for a 8th grade graduation what do they need money for?

But then again I wouldn't host an 8th grade graduation party. They are just moving onto highschool not college where they need funds for food (which in turn means beer money) and gas to get home so they can do their laundry because they used all their graduation money on beer and gas.

I had a formal 8th grade graduation ceremony complete with cap and gown. It wouldn't be horrible to give a small token gift...

Just skip the party and save your money!

I'd prefer not to go but if you have to, no way would I give cash to an 8th grader!!! I don't believe in cash gifts anyway except to family who is younger. ie: my nieces. But I do believe in bringing a "hostess" gift. ie: bottle of wine etc any time we're going to a party. I never show up empty handed. So I would bring something but not even necessarily for the big graduate. Maybe a fancy (though not girly) chocolate thing. Can't criticize you for that but they could criticize if you bring absolutely nothing.

Nope, I agree this is 8th grade, there was no "graduation" for me, no ceremony at my school, no party at home, no nothing it is simply done with middle school off to high school, good job.

Never feel obligated to do what you don't want to, no matter what. That being said, I personally believe it is "graduating" from 6th, 8th, 12th and college. And I would give cash, small amount for 6th, and more for the higher grades. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. =)

I totally understand what you are saying and I agree with you, But I first have to ask what kind of party is it? Do you have a child the same age as this child? Is the whole family invited? And when you go is it the type of party where there will be food and drinks and games etc? I only ask because if I was going to a party with my whole family and eat their food and partake in the fun then I guess I would feel obligated to bring a little cash for the kid. Nothing big like $10.00 tops! But if it's just like a big hangout for the kids then no. Just let your child go and don't worry about sending any money along. I think the whole parties for graduating certain grades is dumb but if a good friend of mine threw one for their kid and I wanted to keep the peace then I would just go and bring the cash. blah maybe I'm too much of a push over? LOL

No way! I agree with it not being a real graduation. I'd only bring a gift for a high school or college graduation.
I think asking for cash when calling to invite you is just plain rude.

I'm with Cheryl O, no gift...if you feel bad, you can always volunteer to bring food...

I vote yes. If you are invited to a party to honor someone and you go, then I think it is better to attend in the full spirit of the party. I understand there was a request for cash, but I would probably include a small ($10)Itunes or book store gift card in the card.

As for my family's history, we didn't party. We mostly kept things quiet. Then I married into party central. I have come to love all the celebrations, enjoying them as a time to be with family.

No, I didn't have an 8th grade graduation party. I'll probably tick some off when I say that these 'graduations' before high school graduation are just silly. Kindergarten graduation, 6th grade graduation, 8th grade graduation ... where does it end? In my world, it's high school and college.

So .... the 'graduating' kid or his family requested money?? Did I get that right? YUCK. I may be tempted to NOT bring something just for that, but would probably cave and give them a $10 ITunes gift card. If it were family, then I would definitely feel guilted into bringing something.

That was very rude to invite you and then, in the same breath, tell you that his son wants cash. I would give him a heartfelt card (homemade by your child?) offering congratulations. If everyone on MP votes to suck it up and give cash, throw five or ten bucks in there.

I grew up in Oregon, and no one (at least in my socioeconomic status) had graduation parties. Out here in IL, everyone has one. It is a great reason to throw a party to celebrate. But I object to the whole "fundraiser" aspect of it.

I had never heard of 8th grade graduation until I got married and moved from a rural area to the suburbs. When I was in Kindergarten we had a "kindergarten graduation" but that was more so a cute little sing sort of thing for the parents. My son just "graduated" from preschool. While it was an emotional milestone for us - just as the first time he rode the school bus, etc. We didn't get him a gift and while I didn't expect him to get anything my SIL got him a card and a matchbox airplane (since he loves those). So, after all I wrote - I don't think a gift should be expected nor should you feel obligated.

The only party I ever had was for high school graduation.
For college graduation I went camping for a month.
If I was invited to a party in the manner that you were, I'd have to decline the invitation.
Doesn't matter if it's 8th grade or 12th grade, that was just rude.

I had 8th grade Graduation party,& Highschool.

We had ceremony at our school. Not sure if things were done differently by us or what?

It's a graduation if that's what the school calls it--- even if there is "no foundation" for it in your mind. Just because you disagree with this practice, you don't get to dictate what it is for other people who do celebrate this passage with a graduation. You are certainly free to disagree with it, choose not to recognize it and not go, but that doesn't mean it's any less real or any less important to the students and their families if that's what the tradition is in their area.

Customs vary from place to place. I had an 8th grade graduation with caps and gowns, programs, music, speeches. It was held in the high school auditorium where most of us who were graduating would be attending two months later, so it was a big deal for us. My family had a party, and I can still remember taking pictures in my backyard with my best friends. In our town, that was just how it went. And no, it's not some "new" idea---I graduated from 8th grade in-----well, let's just say the late 70s. : )

Asking for cash is poor form, however. But I would not let someone else's bad manners keep me from celebrating with them, especially if they are family and if you were already planning on making the 4 hour drive to be there.

I don't think you are obligated to do the birthdays now, especially if the kids' birthdays are nowhere near this time. If you typically send them birthday gifts on their birthday, I'd just do it then.

Hope that helps.

Just go and bring a small gift that is under $5....so what if they want cash...very inappropriate for them to say so...

I think it's strange that you were told the graduate wants cash, that right there seems like bad etiquette. I had an 8th grade graduation ceremony followed by a dance at the middle school, that was it, no additional party or gifts.

If I went, I'd probably bring a 10.00 gift card or something similar.

Do you have to go? If it went against my morals, I probably just wouldn't attend.

If I felt I had to go....yes I'd suck it up and give the darn gift of money.

I went to a parochial school, we actually got 8th grade diplomas & we were also confirmed. So, I (and my siblings & other friends) had 8th grade confirmation parties....but I think that's a little different.

You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to.

I must agree w Queen though. My Catholic Elementary school went to 8th grade, and then we "graduated" and entered the public schools. It was a big deal to us. Not as much as HS certainly, but still a big deal. It's tacky that you were asked for the "gift" of cash...

You apply the "non" graduation to your kids, but other people don't have to go by your rules. If it bothers you that much, don't give anything. Myself, i'd give a small amount and call it a day. It's not worth worrying that much about.

Probably most people at the party will be giving a gift to the "graduate" and you may feel embarrassed if you don't bring one given that situation.
Personally I would bring a gift - it is a celebratory occasion and you are there and enjoying their food and drink, etc. so why not. I think it would be the right thing to do. I know when we graduated from Catholic grade school, having completed 8th grade, we wore caps and gowns and it was a special occasion for all of us. Best of luck to you.

I didn't even know people had parties for 8th grade graduation, let along 8th grade graduation. And I'm a former teacher. Hmmm.

I would show up with a card, and if the graduate is a close friend's kid or part of the family, I'd put in about $10 - $20.

Calling with the invite, and the mention of money is rude. If you can throw a party, you can send an invite (even if it's an Evite).

I agree with you and would also be pissed. I'd bring a card, maybe some cash depending on the day. But I can be tactless ;)

If Troy said "Great! We'll be there. And do we need to bring anything?" and was told cash, that's one thing. If it was "Would you like to come to our party? We'd like cash" that is a whole 'nother ballpark. And not a sport I'd like to play.

I guess my issue is not that I am concerned with what people think about me as much as my own feelings of what is "proper". If they request a gift or are hoping for a gift, then I wouldn't go without a gift not to prevent embarrassment, but because I'm eating their food? Drinking their drinks? Partaking in whatever they spent money on, ya know? If we go to anybody's party, we bring a side dish, a bottle of wine (not what to bring to an 8th grader, lol), SOMETHING. That's my thoughts on it. If I want to give a gift, I'll come happily. If I don't want to give a gift, I won't.....but I also will not likely be there.
If this is someone Troy really likes, or a coworker, or it's important to him for some reason, can you compromise? Like, slip $10 in a card and take your own daughter to the movies for an end of the school year outing with mom? (You're not giving her cash or a gift, but you are saying "Hey, it's summer time! Let's have a girl day"). That's most likely what I'd do. It's what I'd suggest because I wouldn't want you to have stress or strife with hubby over something that's really pretty menial in the end.
But no, in our household I'm going to have a party when our son starts kindergarten, just because it's a milestone to begin school (he didn't attend pre-K). I would not be adverse to end of the year parties or outings to welcome summer or saying goodbye to some school friends. Certainly leaving middle school for high school should be given a nod, and I wouldn't mind a celebration for that. But it would never in a million years cross my mind to give OR receive gifts for those things. No. I didn't know people did that, lol. It just wouldn't have crossed my mind, or my husband's mind either. I think the little graduation ceremonies for every little thing are kind of silly and take away from the bigger, more important high school and college graduations. I hope I don't have to deal with all that here. But having a fun day, an outing, a bbq, no harm in that!

Asking for Cash is really tacky in my opinion.

I say go with NO gift, but just your happy smiling self! Shouldn't that be enough??

My feeling on this is if you attend the celebration, you should give something if you can.

I don't know that I would drive 4 hours and attend a celebration that I don't see necessary. In my view the real goal is graduating high school or college.

We teach our children what we expect from them. We have no control over what others do or say, even if it they are our relatives.

I HATE when people tell you what gift they would like. Oh really because I was J. coming to celebrate that s why I was invited right? I didnt realize I was EXPECTED to bring a gift. I think expecting a gift for anything is pretty rude. Even a 50th birthday pary, college grad any party. You invite people to celebrate and ussually people bring gifts to celebrate but they are not required to enter the party. I'd J. throw 20 in a card for the "graduate" and not do the misc birtdays that were months prior.
I always bring a gift even if its a silly event if theres a party, if theres not a party I'm not brining a gift for their pervious birthday months prior

I think you're being a curmudgeon about it and shouldn't go if you have such strong feelings against it. I wouldn't want you at my party knowing you felt this way.

Without knowing whether or not Troy asked about what the kid wanted, I can't comment on what an appropriate gift would be, or if they were rude in suggesting money. Give what you can afford, or just give a card. Don't worry about what they "expect" as they don't have the right to expect anything.

See, I don't judge what other people believe to be an event "worth celebrating". If they want to celebrate, then they should have a party. If you want to drive 4 hours, do so. If not, don't. But please don't go and show this side of yourself to the hosts, it's impolite.

And yes, I went to Catholic school and it was very common to have a graduation party and ceremony. Really, it was just another reason to have a party, I don't remember getting any gifts.

If it were me, I probably wouldn't drive the 4 hours. That's about how far my brother is from me (well, a bit closer to 5 hours actually, but that isn't much difference). Are they putting you up for the night?

My niece just graduated from high school a few weeks ago. We didn't go.
Nobody has any skin off their nose. It's 5 hours away! I am sending her a card with $... but this is for an actual "real" graduation. Not 8th grade. My son just finished 8th grade.... I didn't do anything for him that I didn't do for his sister (who just finished 5th grade). They both got a DQ ice cream for the "end of school"... we do that EVERY year. :)

I just think there would be some reason we couldn't travel that weekend....

ETA: AFter your follow up-- WOW. Just. WOW. Some people.... how did you get so lucky in the lottery with that bunch?

Razor blades & safety pins & caution tape is probably s bad idea, huh?