Married Life

ok, My hubby is a cement driver also works anywhere from 8 hrs to 16 hrs. He also comes home and does NOTHING. I also work full time out side the home, but firmly believe you SAHM's have it so much harder then us who work. He sees you as you have time you do not work, BS you do kids do not take care of themselves and are more work and stress then a job!! I also have 3 kids. You are a better women then me honey, because I do not allow my husband to just sit there while I run around like crazy. He complanins he has to scarf down his food before running the kids to scouts. I told him that is parenthood, and scouts was his thing (do not get me wrong I think boyscouts is a great thing for them, but it is a bonding time for the "Guys" )

I would sit down with him and lay it all out on the table. if he is a good guy he will get it. explain how you day goes. My husband forgets until i tell him, I wake up set out clothes, toothbrushes and then get ready for work as I go out the door I check bookbags, and off to work. I get home @330pm; check bags again, do homework, feed the younger 2 snacks, while cooking dinner. Then Mon & Weds swimming Tues Hubby has Bowling and Thursday is one childs swim and another's scouts Sat swim, Friday & Sunday is clean clean clean. Now that is my week and I still have to find time to go to the gym , ya ok right thats going to happen.

Sorry no advise I know but I guess the point of my post was more you are not alone then advice.

When I read this I felt a little sad for all of you. You have a hard working decent guy and he is missing out on spending special times with your kids (and you) during their formative years. Since he didn't grow up with an involved father, he had no one to model that role to him. Think about all the things he misses in the course of the week--think forward to 15 years from now - what kind of relationship is he going to have with the kids and with you. If your boys are old enough, ask him to spend some time with them teaching them things he likes to do (work on his cars) or helping them do something they specifically want to learn. Do any of his friends have kids your kids ages? Maybe you can plan some activities together. Have you ever taken a family vacation and gone camping? Maybe that would help with some togetherness time and get him away from the TV? Good luck!

I am a (mostly) stay-at-home mom, and I've spent a few years here and there staying at home entirely, and I understand where you are coming from.

The situation you are in is one of pretty intense separation, where he is off working long hours somewhere else, and you are home working long hours, too. His work is, admittedly, more intense than yours for the most part, and he knows that a bunch of other people's lives are depending on his work. Lots of pressure. Because of that, he feels the need to take breaks in as many ways as he can, from working on cars (which he probably enjoys) to playing the Xbox. To him, taking care of the kids is work, not play, and when he's off work, he wants to be off work.

I understand his viewpoint. The problem is that YOU are working 24 hours a day. You have no "off time." You get no breaks. And because he sees your work as a sort of job, he doesn't understand that. Honestly, unless he's done that, he simply CAN'T understand. He doesn't have a frame of reference for it. And his not having a dad means he doesn't have any male figure to pattern his behavior after... but he's still trying to do something.

I have no idea whether counseling is even an option, but you two need to get to a place where you can talk honestly with him about your needs. I urge you to keep it "I" centered... instead of telling him, "You don't say, 'I love you,' to the boys enough," or "You don't spend time with me," tell him what you need. "I really need to get dishes done. Can you put the kids to bed tonight?" or "I thought we could watch something together because I need my time with you," or even "If you're interested in going upstairs, I'll need a bit of encouragement" (I hope you understand what that means, since I wanted to keep it PG). He'll respond better if he isn't defensive. My own hubby has learned that a massage is the best way to make me happy... and that means he's happier, too.

That said, being a stay at home mom is pretty lonely. Do you have ways of spending time with other moms with kids? Believe it or not, guys can only do so much, and they work in ways that women simply don't function. I have several moms I go to or call when I need a breather, and we and our kids all benefit from the social interaction. And that means we're all happier.

My hubby's a football fan, but I admit that I don't spend a lot of time in the man cave when he's watching--it makes me feel ignored--so I go off and do other things while he's watching TV. But ask yourself what you need to feel content. What specific things can your husband do for you that would be most helpful in lessening the load and the stress?

Sorry this is so long! Good luck!

I was never a SAHM but now that I'm retired I'm a SAHW, and the money is totally inequitable between he and I so I'm no one to give advice but....here goes. I think you should start with a couple of these- otherwise it sounds like a confrontation over his flaws. So maybe start with the money and the leisure time. When you as a family have decided to have one parent stay home with the kids, there should be a better understanding of what money goes for necessities, what money goes to saving for the future, and what money is discretionary. It would be wrong for either spouse to make financial decisions like the expensive "toys" you mention without consulting the other spouse. Tell your husband you'd like a financial plan so that you understand what bills are being paid, what money is being saved, and so that you can plan together how to use discretionary income (for example, family vacations, home furnishings/appliances, boats, trucks, jeeps). Doesn't mean there won't be Jeeps in his future just means you want to balance the discretionary income to make the most of the years you have with your kids. You might use his relationship with his father as an example here by just saying that you want a strong, solid family life for the kids..because they really are only with you guys for a short time (or it will seem short later) so make some memories. Also, tell him you would like to schedule him for time with the kids..and time with you. If he has a set time each day that he takes the kids (like while you're making dinner) plus a weekend activity with them, it will give you a break. That's probably nothing in comparison to the load you're carrying, but it's a start. You guys need date night for the two of you, too. I wouldn't be as worried about #7 if he was showing them his love, some guys just aren't verbal and maybe if he starts to spend time with them, it will be a little more spontaneous - sounds like it's easier for him to do this with the baby girl than the boys. I am confused over #6 - why does he care if you volunteer at the school - I don't see how that impacts him? I hope approaching him on a couple of things goes well for you...now I think I'll go tell my husband that I don't want every leisure time activity to revolve around sports.

My husband and I courted for 9 years before we got married. We met in high school, dated through college, and got married after we had jobs. By that time, we pretty much were tired of seeing other people/friends and just wanted to be together as much time as our jobs permitted us to be. When I want to point something out about how Hubby treats our son sometimes, I'll start by asking him how he got along with his Dad when he was our son's age and end up asking him if that's how he wants our son to remember him. Somethings he wants to do the same (like fishing/boating together) and other things he wants to do differently - like being more involved in our sons activities - chaperoning occasionally for field trips, going to taekwondo belt tests, etc than his Dad was with him. Also, some parents are more interested in certain stages of childhood than others. My husband got along great with his Dad once he was 13 and wanted to work on cars. Since your husband didn't have much of a relationship with his Dad, he's got no prior patterns to follow and that can be a good thing.

It is up to you to ask for what you want. The money is equally yours. You work as hard or harder, and longer hours. And money is not power in the family. You are equal.

My husband shopped for food on the way home from work. He then cooked dinner and often cleaned after. He did laundry too. Or, he was with the children, so I can cook and clean. One or the other. We decided on spending together. We both have a say on what to spend on.

You can't force him to want to be with you, but you can ask him for his time and express your love and wish to be with him.

Sounds like your husband is a good guy who works really hard to support his family... and you! I would suggest that you have a heart-to-heart with him about some of the issues.

1. Please don't expect him to "help more" at home. It is very likely that in his mind, he works long and isolating hours while you are home maintaining the house, family and day-to-day things. Do the boys ask him for things first or are you hoping that he'll jump in? Odds are pretty good that he's exhausted, so please let this one go.
2. Find something that you all can do together on a regular basis that isn't overly taxing to start. It could be something as simple as watching a t.v. show together... all in the same room. If that works, suggest having a board game night once a month- turn off the t.v. for 30 minutes and play Candy Land together. Don't try to start "big" or it won't work. If he sees his children responding to the time with him, he'll be more willing to move on to longer activities.
3. Develop a budget that includes the amount of money you should be saving each month. Outline ALL expenses... groceries, school supplies, clothing, gifts, mortgage, car payments... EVERYTHING! Figure out exactly how much money is left at the end of the month after you have put money away for retirement and college for the kiddos. Then show it to him, but not in a nagging way. Let him know that you want to make sure that he doesn't have to work like a crazy man for the rest of his life and that you want the kids to have the option of education after HS, so you are finding ways to save money so that he can enjoy his later years. He may not realize "where" the money is going if you are doing all of the day-to-day spending.
4/5. Plan a date night- this can be at home when the kids are asleep. You say he wants "IT" when he's in the mood, but not when you are... I'm guessing that he can get "in the mood" with some help from you! I would also guess that reconnecting at that basic level will help you reconnect on other levels too!
6. Volunteering at school sounds like a lot of fun... more so than driving a log truck. When you volunteer at school make sure he knows why you are there- I mean beyond the fund raiser. It's important for your children to see that you value their education and it's important that you remain connected to school as they get older- if you are aware of what's going on and visible in their lives they are much less likely to get in with the wrong crowd!
7. Telling the kids that he loves them may be harder to work on. Model it like crazy and encourage the children to say it TO HIM. It's nearly impossible to have your child say "I love you" and not at least say "You too, buddy". Start small and encourage the kids to be vocal about their feelings.

Hmmm, maybe it is a matter of perspective, you pretty much contradict yourself in your last paragraph about your husband so maybe it depends on your particular wants and needs at this time. On the other hand, NO, my husband does NOT do any of the things you describe in your list. He works his butt off outside our home so that I can work mine off in it. However, when he walks through that door, he is 100% present and involved, and he wants to be. He spends time with me and our daughter and he takes care of our needs. We equally parent, we mutually agree upon our finances. In short, we are a team, an extension of eachother.

It sounds like you need to sit down with your man and lay it all out. Start by telling him the things you wrote at the end and transition into your needs. Heck, show him this post, it basically sums it up. Now is the time to be a catalyst for change in your marriage before it turns into bitterness and resentment. Maybe you just need to change your perspective a little bit, and your man needs to make more of an effort in general for you two to get back in sync.

Sorry that you are going through so much with your husband. I understand that can be stressful. My husband was that way for a year, only because he was depressed and feeling unfilled in his job at the time. It got so bad I left him for a few days, even thought about divorce, but decided to sit him down for a serious talk...told him I found a marriage counselor (purposely got a man to make him more comfortable) and that he could either start to go or prepare for divorce preceedings because although I loved him dearly, i've been supportive his actions are gonna end this family due to his lack of participation and excessive spending. We did counseling and his behavior greatly improved. In the end it had nothing to do with me, but everything with him. Men are not suppose to show weakness and talking emotionally for some is hard; so I was happy that the male marriage counselor was able to reach him. My husband changed career, took up martial arts again, we renewed our vows in 2007 and had another baby in 2009. We have a 16 yr old and a toddler. It was a trying time but we worked through it. What I love is how no matter how busy my husband's work day was and even with his business travels he finds the time for family, spends time with our teen and toddler, we go for walks in the evening to help him destress...etc. In the end once he figured out what was bothering him and changed it; my husband did a complete turn around returning the man that enjoys his family instead of finding other things to do to avoid his issues as he did for that year. Like I always say to my husband, don't be a politician and sugar coat it; speak what you feel, want, need and desire; so that's what we do. So don't take it personally, which is hard to do, maybe your husband is unhappy with an area of his life and doesn't feel that he can tell you about it. If not, maybe find a good male marriage counselor that can be beneficial to the both of you. Stay the path...it will work out.

My oh my.
Basically it sounds like you have been a great wife and mom.
He hasnt really had to take care of the kids on his own so he hasnt had
that "fraternal bond" with them.
When dad is out buying jeeps and such he should take the 6 yr old with him and start forming that relationship.
I'd find little ways to be out of the house for short periods of time so he has to watch the kids and deal with some of their issues..... this will help him get more comfortable with the dad role. I think he probably is afraid of doing something wrong so he's comfortable with you doing everything.
He does sound like a good man and a good provider and when the kids do get older and are more user friendly you will probably see a big change in the dynamic of how he relates to them.
It's a shame that some dads are not "hands on" and miss some of that, but if they arent they just arent.
Things could be a lot worse, I'm sure you know that. I think you just feel sorry for him because he doesnt know what he's missing and of course you are tired and worn and wish he was different in that regard.
Do you have any married friends where the dad would be a good example of how you think your husband should be around the kids? Maybe hang out with them a little ... have a bbq or something.. and maybe it would rub off on your husband.
With all of the good things you said about him, if you made a list of pros and cons I think your pro list for why you are married to him will be longer than your con list.
Have a heart to heart talk with him so he knows what you are feeling.
Implement small changes that force his involvement without him really realizing that's whats happening.
Dads have a completely different relationship with the kids than we do, so dont make him feel bad if he doesnt do things the way you do, there is the mommy way and the daddy way and they are both okay to the kids.

Hi there!

I just happened to read your post, and thought I'd give my two-cents. I am a stay-at-home mom of 3 year-old twins, and my husband works a regular, M-F job. We have been married 12 years. I would say, without knowing more than you wrote, that your husband's job is putting your family at risk. I say that because you talked about the hours he works, and the days off he gets, (maybe one a week?!) That SUCKS for him, and, consequently, you and the family. He is obviously exhausted, and (as my husband has told me), sometimes he wants to come home, put his feet up and zone out on the TV. There is no doubt he loves you guys, but it sounds like he is exhausted and just wants to do nothing when he gets home. I can appreciate that, but it will tear you guys up, if it continues. There is a book called "Love and Respect" and it talks about how a woman primarily needs to be/feel loved my her husband and a man primarily needs to be/feel respected by his wife. If you don't feel loved by him, when the baby is crying, and you have had a long day at home, and he does nothing, you will not respect him, and you may, in fact, disrespect him, (intentionally or unintentionally), "Why did you spend money on THIS?...Can you at least hold the baby for 5 minutes? (spoken in front of the other kids, etc.) He then feels disrespected and doesn't show you love, (lashes out verbally or ignores you). it is a continuous cycle. My guess is that the spending money-thing is the one thing, (aside from family) that is making him happy; not that he has time to spend with all his "toys," but maybe the thought of having them or the freedom to buy them gives him something that feels good. He may also feel disrespected when "called out" on how he spends his money. I am not suggesting he quit his job; in this economy it is not a great idea, but you two need to talk about the root of the issue; is my hunch correct, and he is really tired? is he depressed for another reason? does he feel disconnected from you guys but doesn't know how to get back in?. My suggestion is to talk to him when things are good; you are both rested, and in good moods. Try not to make it personal; talk about his job, (which is the big problem, in my opinion), and the demands it has on him and how you see how tired/exhausted he is. And because of that, you feel he is opting for rest instead of helping you, and that you miss him, you love him, and want it to be better for him. Try first asking if he is happy? His answer may lead you onto the real issue. My fear is if you continue to be "neglected" (I use that term loosely), you will disconnect from him, as you feel he has from you. He will also begin to lose you guys more and more, unless he has a realization that what is going on is not OK. I also believe that we women need to ask, as nicely as possible (and not passive-aggressively, as I have done at times), for help, as men cannot read minds! I am no therapist, but I wanted to share my opinion. I will pray for you! I would suggest you do the same! God knows exactly what you and your family need, so ask Him to help you! Take care!

Oh my gosh, are we married to the same man! I have these same issues only I work full time and my husband is laid off and is home most days (when he doesn't get his mother to come watch our kids, so he can go do other things) and I still get to do EVERYTHING when I get home from work. My husband also spends a lot of money on EBAY but got mad at me last night because I spent 10.00 on a CD with my own money. Sorry this isn't my post but I totally understand! It gets so hard when we devote our whole lives to our children and our husbands don't seem to have the same way of thinking. I wish I had the answers. I recently got back from a 4 day trip (thinking ha, now he can see how much I really do and still work full time) but he just had his mother come up from 9 am til 8 pm and then took the kids for fast food for dinner.. so he didn't learn anything about my life! Sorry again!

I think most of us could write a small novel on this one. I'll try not to, but can't make any promises. Your husband works way too many hours and until he works less, I doubt you'll get much help from him. I know dads who only work a regular 40 hour/week job that have a tough time coming home and giving their SAH mom a break. Some understand they need to and do their best, but they admit it is hard. Others just refuse to understand that YOU also need a break from your job because that means they have to get off their butt. They'll never know what it's like to be at your job 24/7.
When my husband was unemployed and I worked FT, he took the kids to his Moms. He did this until she became too old, weak and ill. Even then he wouldn't stop when I told him to; his sister finally had to put her foot down.
He spent his time outdoors doing MANLY things and did very little in the way of house work. This went on for 2 years until I finally started paying a friend to help with the housework. He pitched a fit about it and I just told him I wasn't spending my time off scrubbing toilets. He cleaned the bathroom once and my friend started helping out about a month after when he didn't do it again.
And he didn't help much with the kids either. One of them threw up in our bed one night. He got up and went to sleep on the couch leaving me to deal with the mess and sick kid and get up and go to work in the morning.
I've decided if that happens again, I'm sleeping somewhere else too (probably a hotel) and I'm leaving the mess there until he cleans it up.
As far as the money situation, I have no advice because I've always worked and have always had my own money.
Just remember, you deserve a break from your job just as much as he does. What would happen if you put dinner on the back burner when the baby started crying and just told him he was on his own. Make the kids PB&J. Tell him you can't tend to the baby and cook at the same time, so......if he really wants dinner then he'll have to pitch in. I just give my husband things to do. For examle: "While I'm cooking, I need you to do this homework with Travis. If I have to do it, then I can't cook dinner too". It works because I help with his homework 80% of the time, but sometimes, I need a break. My Mom said she was reading something about men and it said their brains don't work like ours do; they actually need to be told what to do. I have no idea what her resource was, but maybe it's worth some research.
Good luck. And remember, you're not alone.

Pay all the bills fist including groceries, what's left gets split in half, that's fair. He should have to save to get what he wants. You get a separate account & do not put him on it as a signer. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel. Your feelings are the key. He can't get mad or defensive at you telling him how he acts makes you feel.

Your husband does work hard. If it were me, I would take care of drinks, etc. when he is home. Those are small ways for you to minister to your husband. Do it joyfully for him. You can also be teaching your oldest to help do these things. There is no reason he can't help you. Of you need to, move their cups to a lower cabinet. Ask your husband if you two can sit down to discuss the budget. I'm not sure who manages your money, but married couples need to be on the same page. Is your husband paying cash for everything? That would be a huge factor to me. Going into debt for toys (and pretty much anything else other than a house) is not a smart thing. Find out his vision for your family. Ask him what he would like your household budget to be. Look at historical spending over the last year to come up with reasonable numbers. You two are a team. You should be going in the same direction. At another time, I would encourage him with his important role with your children. Express their adoration of their father. Encourage your children to greet him with enthusiasm when he gets home. Make him so glad to come home. Make him look forward to being home with his family. As a SAHM you have great opportunity to do this! A clean home with candles burning, dinner cooking, obedient children who are flourishing under your care, a joyful wife, ah, such a delight to a man! You are a gift to him. Thank him for his hard work, be sweet and pleasant towards him when he is home, be who he needs you to be. These years with young children are intensive. I promise they get easier as the kids grow! You can teach them to be your helpers! They can do much more than most people think they can. If trained properly, they eventually work you out of a job, and you become more the manager instead. But, the years of training come first. Anyway, this is long. I hope something I've written will be helpful to you!

Oh dear.
I don't suppose you could get him to go to counseling with you.
If you can manage it, it might be helpful to get some counseling
for yourself, to provide some tools and methods to help you deal
with some of the behaviors you're not happy with.
Meanwhile, is there a friend or neighbor or someone
you could ask to watch the kids while you get him away
for a few hours in order to (ATTEMPT TO HAVE) a conversation
with no distractions. A statement of what's good, what's not so good, etc.
==========================
Think about showing your request and the answers here to your husband.
Perhaps with some editing before printing out.
?????

Didn't read your responses but here is what I suggest. First you need to talk to him. He doesn't know that you want him to help more. This may sound dumb because you would THINK most men would just know to get up off the couch to help with the crying baby or the nagging toddler, but I think most men just zone out! If the kids are in the room with them and playing, then it's all good. Once they leave the room or need assistance otherwise, some men just zone them out! I would explicity ask him "Hey can you get X a drink or give Baby a binky?" With my husband, I give him an option "Can you either change/clean up the baby or give X a bath?" I'll usually offer to clean up after dinner because he makes it Mon-Thurs.

I talked to my husband in depth about cleaning. I was one to clean every week - I had a list and made sure I never missed a week. I was trying to do this when my husband was not home Mon-Fri nights so I was doing it alone! I would have 'thought' he would think to clean on his own during the day but he didn't. So I started asking him to help out by leaving him notes. "Hey can you please vacuum the living room today?" I also found out after talking that we have different understandings of 'when it's time to clean'. He basically told me when it looks dirty is when he'll think to clean it. With me, I clean BEFORE it gets dirty. LOL

Now that he's home during the week and working weekends, things are better. He helps out a lot with things like dishes, dinner, laundry and vacuuming. But putting clothes away he doesn't do and won't think to clean the bathrooms, but will if I ask him to.

So I think you need to first decide what you expect from your husband. Sure he's tired but if you want help with the kids while you are making dinner, tell him "I need help while I'm making dinner. CAn you watch the kids or will you make the food?"

About the money, it doesn't matter that he's the only one bringing in the income. Your job doesn't pay - doesn't make it any less demanding/less stressful! If anything, it's more! I would set a limit on spending per week. If you have a budget, see how much you can afford to give yourselves (both) for a month on 'extras'. This could be him eating lunch out, you buying a new shirt, etc. I would not put the kids clothes, toys, etc into this fund. Then break it down by 8 (each of you getting money for four weeks). With my husband and I, we each get $20 a week. It's not a lot but if I don't spend mine, I have $80 to blow on myself at the end of the month! I typically use mine to eat out with my mom, get a new shirt, coffee, etc. I think him blowing several hundred dollars on 'toys' is not a good idea, especially if he yells at you for spending money on the kids. That being said, I do think you should stop buying your children something every payday. Sure you can do something fun every payday, but you do not want to teach them to think that each time you are paid, they get rewarded. Clothes, I understand, but toys/movies should be purchased sparingly (in my opinion).

About the getting upset about volunteering thing, have you asked him why? I do not know why a man would get upset about this but maybe he feels that it takes time away from him (if you are doing this while he's home?)

About sex - again be open. Of course he's going ot want it when he wants it! He's a guy!!! Is it happening a lot that you want it and he doesn't? Maybe it's a turn on for him to initiate it?

About him not telling your kids that he loves them, that is not something you can change. But it sounds like he's showing them he loves them so that is a start! Maybe have your children tell him that they love him. I'm sure he'll reciprocate!

As far as football goes, it sounds like Sundays are his only day to decompress and do nothing (but also do something he likes). Is this an all day thing? If so, get a hobby that you can do in the same room (scrapbooking, reading, puzzles, etc). That way you are together even if you don't enjoy football. I'd also plan to do something 1x Sunday evening even if it's watch a show or movie together, have a late night dinner just the two of you with out the kids, etc.

Sounds to me like communication is faltering so I'd start there! GOOD LUCK!