Married, but Never Was Sexually Attracted to Him

J.:

I am so sorry that I do not have any great words of wisdom for you but hope that you will find some kind of comfort in knowing that you are absolutely not alone. I spent several years in a relationship with a man that I was VERY sexually attracted but it was most definitely NOT a healthy relationship.

A couple of years after I managed to get out of that relationship, I realized that the "perfect man" was right under my nose. I married him, we had a child, I love spending time with him, being close to him, proud to be seen in public with him (he is a very attractive man in more than just my opinion) but when it comes to that moment... I just can't... it's just not there....

Again, I am sorry I don't have the answer, but do feel better knowing that it's not just me...

I hate to be harsh, but... is he physically repulsive? You say your sex is increasingly worse because why? He doesn't hit the spot? Not enough foreplay? He's not stimulating it enough before or during? It sounds like you've talked yourself into the "fact" that he is not attractive to you. Because if you tell yourself a bizillion times that he's not attractive, that he was never near your standards, that you only feel an 'noble love' for him.. then after a while, you will paint yourself into a corner and that mental block will always persist. And I don't think you can live the next 30 years in that mind frame.

Does he make you feel beautiful? Does he make you feel attractive? Because your feeling that from him should help channel your attraction back towards him.

I can assure you it is so hurtful when your spouse says your not attractive enough for sex. All of us women deal with weight gain from pregnancy. Some of us lose it, some struggle to and never do... But through it all, we still expect our husbands to find us attractive enough for sex regardless of our weight or the physical changes that our bodies go through after pregnancy.

In the early years of a relationship, yes, sex it more about physical attraction. But as the relationship grows, it should mature; it isn't necessarily about attraction nor about your satisfaction from it. You love that person, you want him to enjoy that one thing only he does with you. Sex should evolve into an expression of the love you feel for that person and a recommitment of your vows. Sure it sounds corny, but we all will change our appearance throughout our lifetime... We will all struggle as we gain weight, grow gray and old, and Lord forbid, deal with physical injuries and illnesses that may or may not heal. And we still want our marital relationship to be sexually functioning.

I have what may seem like an odd question but it may help. Did you break all ties with the guy you had this previous sexual relationship with? Even the ties in your memory and your heart? I am asking this because if any part of you still feels some attachment to him or desire for him although you absolutely love your husband, you may not be able to fully bond with him and connect sexually. Do you believe in God? If you do, you can simply pray and just say out loud, "God I break all ties with so and so and ask you to cause my heart, body, and mind to fully bond with my husband." Something so simple can work wonders, if you mean it:) If you don't know God, I strongly suggest you reach out for Him, but you can actually make a choice to completely turn you back on the past, the memories, the feelings etc. The power of choice is an amazing thing. That may really help you connect with your husband. The fact that you love your husband so much and yet have trouble connecting with him sexually says something is going on. I mean I was on the pill and had my sex drive take a total nose dive, so looking into that or getting those hormones checked is not a bad idea either. Oh, one last piece of advice, hope this doesn't sound too hard, but I think you must change your attitude. I know you are facing something tough, but it will get resolved because it has to. There is an answer, you just have to do what you are doing today and look for it. I feel that you might be trying to resign yourself to this life, but I don't think that will work, so make today the day to start believing there is a solution. Hang in there!
p.s. My husband and I read this book called "Intended for Pleasure" by Dr. Ed Wheat, whoa!!! BIG help:) If you are not too keen on the idea of counseling, check this book out it really helps with a lot of common problems. Good luck!!

I think maybe you are looking at it wrong. He sounds sexy as hell to me! There is nothing in this world sexier than a man that adores you, worships the ground you walk on, takes care of you, etc. If he vacuums and cooks, then sister you had better get a grip before someone else sees your husband's beauty. I would not tell him either because you would hurt him and let him know just how shallow you can be...I don't mean to be harsh but what you are looking at when you think of your husband's attractiveness is not what you should be seeing. You need to go to counseling to fix that on your own. Physical attractiveness and beauty are not always bedfellows. I think once your blinders are lifted then you will have no problems. Bad sex is fixable and so is the way you look at your husband. Good luck to you...

You owe him your honesty, if he is all that you say he is to you. Your marriage isn't built even a little on sex, so you should at least have the trust and honesty. Don't think that he won't know that something's off just because you go through the motions. He has a right to be a real partner in this marriage and not just a tool. Maybe he feels the same way about you and would stay with you even without the sexual attraction. Maybe not. He has a right to choose the terms of his marriage; it's not your call. You say that divorce is not an option. If he knew what was in your heart, would he say the same? You seem to have taken it upon yourself to call a lot of shots that shouldn't be up to you alone. You say that you couldn't bear to insult or hurt him, but you are doing just that in your selfishness.

If you are resigned to this as a permanent conclusion and you do not plan to give him satisfying sex, then you should figure out some other options for your marriage. On the off chance that he is willing to stay with you in this, maybe you two could be open to an alternative kind of marriage that might allow sexual needs to be met elsewhere. It might even help to create some sexual attraction between you and you can build on that, if you're interested.

The bottom line is that you don't have the right to unilaterally make all these decisions for someone else's life. If you need help being honest with him, seek counseling for that.

i wish this were advice but it is more like sympathy. i have the same prob with one acception....my drive is gone. otherwise it is exact. i had to respond because it hit me pretty hard. as i read it felt like i wrote it ya know. i feel for you and for all the people who answer to you i hope will send on the good advice. good luck sweetie!

I think you are being totally unfair to your husband. Honestly, how dare you compare a faithful husband and provider--your best friend--to a past, bad relationship? Doesn't your husband deserve the best from you? Apparently, he is giving you the best.

That said, being sexually satisfied should not be confused with sexual attractiveness. If your problem is that you are not satisfied, then do what other wives do: communicate what you need and want to your husband! Give this man a chance! As I read and re-read your request, all I saw was "I, I, I..." What about him? At what point in your marriage did you decide to put your fantasy before your husband's reality?

I think you are looking at your husband unfairly. And, honestly, I don't think he will ever be happy with your "love offerings" if he knew how you thought of him physically.

"Charity seeketh not her own..." Why don't you try seeking to please him and maybe you will see that what you thought was exciting can't hold a candle to true love.

You need individual counseling. Sex is with your brain and not completely your body and your brain is talking you out of it.
If all of the good things about this man do not make you want to love him then you need to get help to work that out.
He deserves better and there is some reason that you are only attracted to people that are bad for you.
When you have children sexual attraction usually drops anyway and there are times you just have to learn how to relax and get in the mood. Take a long soaking bath with candles etc to get all the mommy stuff from the day off and be a wife instead.

I would not tell him ever that you are not attracted to him. There are times you can say I am having trouble getting in the mood because of everything on mymind and I need help relaxing. Can you do the dishes or put the kids to bed while I go get in the mood.
Men need to be respected and to be shown in a physical way that they are loved.
The passion of beginning relationships always fades so if you destroy your family to go after that it will be a continual process. JUst look at the people around you that are doing that.
Work on whatever is in your brain that is keeping you from appreciating what you have and that alot of women would give anything for.
I had a friend who spent her entire life not being happy with her amazing husband and it was such a sad thing. She could not see the gift that was right in front of her.

J.,

I think you are right about the couples counseling. I don't think it's a good idea...YET. I recommend you go see a counselor on your own and figure out what it is that makes sex with the man you love not satisfying. You have completey shut yourself out of the notion that sex could, eventually, be something you enjoy with your husband. There is something going on here and I think it's too deep for you to grasp ahold of. I applaud you for standing up and saying divorce is not an option. I think it would be a great gift to you and your family to get to the bottom of the real problem and I think the only way to do this is to search within at the direction of an appropriate family counselor.
God speed.

I agree, divorce should NOT be an option (someone had a similar question on mamasource and I was surprised how many women suggested it!)

I do think, though, that if you don't want to tell him how you feel, you can still get counseling.

My husband is VERY attractive. He doesn't think he is (maybe because he's a little overweight) but his face is adorable, he's smart and fun to be with (I really did marry my best friend, as when I met him I was dating someone else.)

What a PP mentioned about ties to a previous relationship can definitely be an issue. That wasn't/isn't my problem though. I wasn't sexually attracted to my other two BFs and I'm not sexually attracted to my husband. And he does actually know this. But I do what I can to make him feel good and things HAVE gotten better sexually between us (it took about 6 years, though.) Just because I don't find myself sexually attracted to him does not mean that we can't have fun trying. :)

The biggest turn on for me....that he is attracted to me! That amazes me. I gained a whole lot of weight with my first pregnancy and can't seem to get it off (I was a 10/12 when I went to the hospital in preterm labor and wore a 20/22 4 weeks later!) I also have had 5 c-sections and my belly was split from naval to pelvic line. The most recent scar is a couple inches wide. Sometimes I don't get my hair brushed and the house is a mess when he comes home. Yet, he is still turned on by me! If I have my hair in a pony tail or with a scarf or bandanna on my head and wearing a long skirt when he comes home...that really sets him off. He's affectionate all evening. :)

Wishing you the best,
S.

While I agree with the last responder, I might not have put it in quite the terms that she did.

You love and are in love with this man but refuse to be honest with him about the sexual nature of your relationship? How can there be true trust and honesty with your "best friend" if you are willing to keep this HUGE secret between the two of you.

If you are still having sex with him but are not into it, he is going to feel like he is doing somethign wrong anyways. He will begin to wonder if you are going to find fulfillment elsewhere. It is a natural course for this type of problem to take.

I suggest you talk to him privately at first. Tell him what you told us. You are not out to hurt him, but you want to assure him that this is not HIS issue. Let him know up front what is going on. You may be surprised, he will likely be hurt, but he may want to work with you on this situation whether it is to find some way to make the sex more desirable for you or to find comfort in that it is not his fault, but that you do love him.

I will tell you from experience, if there is no sexual satisfaction between the two of you, there will come a day where it will become more problematic than it is now. You are likely young, and have not hit your sexual peak and he may have passed his, so for now it might survive. It WILL build up. You begin noticing how sexually attracted you are to other men or he will notice how sexually attracted he is to other women and because this need is not being met in the marriage bedroom (the act itself is not satisfying enough) one of you is going to want to do something about...I am not saying either of you will, but the yearning to do so will be there further straining the situation.

It may be that counseling is needed. And I will say that it is very possible that you are unable to let yourself be sexually attracted to your husband because of a deep seated desire to avoid the problems in your previous relationship.

I am not telling you that you are a bad person if this is the case, just suggesting you do some soul searching and see if this is remotely a possibility. I can see a desire not to repeat a past mistake making your husband less sexually desirable the more compatible and in love with him you become in other areas.

I highly suggest a counselor for you to see if you can work on the issue yourself...but make sure you explain what is going on to your husband so you don't cause problems by keeping secrets that he may misunderstand...If he loves you as much as you claim to love him he will stand by you while you work thorugh this and will be willing and ready to step up if/when it needs to become couples therapy...

Good Luck!!! ;-)

Been there J.. The only advice I can give you is what worked for me. I had a boyfriend who was everything I had ever asked for and who loved me with everything he had. He was very attracted to me , but i was not feeling that for him. When i came to being sexual with him My skin crawled ,Although i tried to think of other things or someone who i used to be so attratced to it would get me through it. I could barely kiss him or he could not touch me with out him making my skin crawl, just wasn't there . 3 years went by and I was unhappy ,By not meaning to show how I felt started making him self contious about himself and unhappy. One day i just said either you let him go and find someone you can be attracted to or stay and try to work on your feelings. I couldn't bare to let him go so i just started thinking of all the things he does for me that others never tried to do, and think about how much he genuinely loved me. Once I started thinking differently and started to see him in a different light it all changed for me. I began to want him and became so attracted to him and have been ever since. The only problem now is the tables have seemed to turn 5 years later and now i know what i put him through. I'm still here with him but now we are married with 2 small children and i feel as though he is so unatracted to me as i was to him. It doesnt always turn out as mine did .I do think it's worth trying since your husband is such a good man, and your best friend. Mind over matter is all i can tell you.

Well I agree with the responses about HONESTY FIRST, with letting your husband know. This can not continue and it will only get worse. You might want to change the way you say it, like why don't we try this instead, or let me show how I like it. In terms of sex, once you are about to climax it really does not matter who is doing the job you know!!!
You might want to try also to get in to it you first, and then include him.
If you decide not to tell him I will encourage you to go to counseling, because you love this guy and for love you would do your best to keep that person happy in the relationship. It might not be him, maybe unconsciously your previous relationship scared you a bit, and now you are having some issues......
If you like a particular smell , get him a cologne, get a movie, do whatever turns you on.
You'll make the best decision for both of you!! Good luck!!

J.,
Have you considered physical causes, like hormone levels? you don't say how old you are but perhaps something as banal as estrogen cream could help you get where you want to.
Only you know your history. Is there a "bad boy" in the background? There are women who are only attracted to the bad boys and this is a destructive tendency. Counseling would help you to see it and deal with it.
Do not tell your husband. this is your issue and most likely has nothing to do with him, although, he will personalize it. Try to work through it looking at your physical and psychological makeup.

You don't tell us what else is happening. Kids, menopause, financial worries all surface in the brain at the same time that sex is most likely to be in the offing. So....good luck. You are fortunate to have a fixable problem so get started.
K.

Really, it doesn't sound like a "drive" issue or a "mommy stuff gets in the way" issue. It sounds like you are sexually attracted to guys who treat you poorly and have a hard time in a healthy relationship. See a therapist individually. This is something you can work though and it sounds like your family deserves for you to fix this.

Wow. I can relate. My first advice, if you're a Christian, is to pray that God would give you that desire and make you inexplicably physically attracted to him and no one else. Pray that DAILY and not in a complaining spirit, but as a desire of your heart. Then, keep focusing on the good he is for you and your child. That will always help. Then, make sex fun and pleasurable and don't worry about the fact that he isn't physically what you want. Know that he is what you want and purposely make sex fun and pleasurable. It ain't in how he looks, it's what ya'll do!

Why do you say that there is nothing he could do to change this?

Since you mentioned a previous bad relationship is it possible you have unresolved feelings or issues that are preventing you from feeling attracted to him? Maybe you don't feel like you deserve him, but you do. I be if you look deep inside yourself you will be able to work through the issues that are causing the trouble.

Because you love him and he's your best friend you owe it to him to A. try everything possible to find a solution and B be honest with him (in a gentle and loving way, leave out the part about being repelled by the idea of sex with him.)

So I would strongly urge you to seek individual counseling with a licensed therapist who has experience with sexual issues and relationship issues. After some time maybe you can include your husband in the sessions too, but maybe you won't need to.

I'm sure you can work this out, and good for you for sticking it out! All relationships have bumps in the road, once your past it your relationship will be stronger than ever.

I didn't have time to read all your responses, and I'm sure I will be repeating what others have said, but I figured that's okay b/c it needs to be emphasized: Seek counseling for yourself. Tell your husband you are having personal issues. If he needs more, tell him you love him with all your heart and want to be the best wife possible and you don't think you are doing that...you need to see a professional to find out why and what to do about it. You don't need to tell him he doesn't turn you on. A therapist can help you sort all this out and figure out what to do. Although sex isn't everything in a relationship, it is a big part of it and eventually he will become unhappy with the situation, too, if he isn't already. Good luck to you!

You've got to figure out what works for you. Have you tried any books on the subject? My friend just read a Dr. Laura book The Care and Feeding of Husbands. She said it worked great for them. I don't know anything about Dr. Laura, but my friend said that it helped her to change her mindset. She said that we go out of our way for the "bad" guy giving him multiple chances and yet we're often cruel to the "good" guy. I don't know what the answer is in your situation, but I hope only the best for y'all.

J....

I went through this same issue, but knew that my heart was being tugged differently. Humans are wired to want love and to feel loved.. we fear abandonment and risk for the most part and knowing that we are "safe" allows us hope.

Unfortunately, you agreed in vows to love and cherish, and apart of love is to be truthful in all, even if it does hurt your spouse. How can one truly love if she does not first love herself? To love ourselves, we must be true to what we feel and need. Hiding or withholding truth hurts even the strongest of relationships. Also, what if he feels the same?? If you cannot be true to him about your deep thoughts and concerns what is he withholding from you?

I wish to simply show you a perspective outside of what you are going through, not to corner you! A problem will never simply go away... you can slap a bandage on it, call it good for a while, but it will get infected. Take it from me... i have messed up so many things by hiding. In the end, it hurts not only the one hiding, but the ones involved.

You will be in my prayers, i hope you find the answer you need to push through this obstacle!

Blessings,

A. w.

I didn't read all the previous posts so this may have already been mentioned. You may want to use toys, and or fanatasy play along with your husband. If you like the bad boy act,ask him to blindfold you or tie you up. Bring in other elements for fun--whipcream or chocolate. YOu will be having so much fun that your mind won't be focused on the "sexually unattractive qualities" but instead the ntimacy you are creating at the moment. You can start out small---until you feel more comfortable exploring this avenue, and eventually go into an "adult" store together or atleast browse one on the internet and see what is out there.

Try reading "Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage" by Kevin Leman. You can have your husband read it along with you. You never know what the two of you may discover along the way. My husband and I have been reading it together. And to be honest, we get a little distracted along the way. Hope it helps.

I think you are right not to discuss this with him, if you ever want to have this develop in your life...if you "don't want to hurt him" then don't.

Part of what you say just doesn't even make sense..."the deeper in love with him I become, the worse the sex is...?"

Have you thought that this is an issue that YOU need individual counsel with a professional on.

You have to work pretty hard not to enjoy the overtures of someone who is a best friend and loves you. There is something more going on and you need to work on it.

I'm of the personal opinion that you give as good as you get. Stop being a "cold fish" and see what happens.

I understand how you feel. Please consider being honest with your husband. Because you still have emotional intimacy,and your husband is actually interested in sex I feel optimistic that you can work this out. I have a similar situation...the problem is that my husband has never had much of a sex drive. It has eroded our marriage because that intimacy bond is just not there anymore. I used to take it personally, but after years of this I have come to realize that a lot of this is his issue. Sadly, the emotional bond is no longer there for me and I have grown to resent him of this. It is a form of neglect.

I hope that you can resolve this...good luck.

If he is truly your best friend, you could be honest with him and tell him he's not satisfying you sexually. You don't have to tell him you're not attracted to him. Try telling him you want to add some excitement to your sex life. If he loves you, he will want to please you. But you have to let him know there is a problem. And you have to tell him what you like! The world is full instructional books and tapes you could examine together. Who knows maybe you'll learn something new(?). Good luck. L. t.

J., I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through this same issue I have dealt with. I read through ALL of the responses and unfortunately, those of us that have been in your shoes do not have a terrific resolution to the problem. I am disappointed how judgmental so many of these ladies have been. Until you've been there, you CANNOT understand the situation. My husband adored me, thought I was beautiful and told me all the time. I got to the point that he repulsed me, just as you have mentioned. I do understand the comments about deep and true love can/will be more important than just the sexual attraction. But I completely disagree that you can change the lack thereof. Either it's there or it's not. Maintaining an otherwise wonderful relationship is a wonderful idea. I know how difficult it is to go through with the "act of marriage" when there is no attraction, or worse, being repulsed by him. The times we were intimate, I would concentrate solely on the physical pleasure each of us would give to the other -- even when I was there in spirit but not mentally. We had other problems in our relationship so the lack of sexual attraction was merely exacerbated by the other problems. As I mentioned, I wish I had "successful" advice, but I don't. My experience has ended with divorce -- and we are TERRIFIC friends. Most of all I wanted to validate your dilemma and to lift you up instead of tear you down as so many have done in their responses.

you could still get counceling. the thought that came to my mind was the mormans and how they are so incredibly attracted to eachother. i bet if you look it up biblicaly it will help. is he out of shape? if so get healthy together..if he is willing. there are lots of options here i am glad that giving up isnt your answer either. hang in there and if the first counceling dosent work keep searching. if he asks tell him your having trouble with lack of sexual appitite. you dont have to be rude or insulting wich i agree would only hurt him.

It sounds like you've resolved yourself to stay, and that you really love him. The only lame advice I can give you is to imagine something/someone that excites you. Perhaps try to see a counselor yourself. Maybe your previous relationship's bad memories are getting in your way here. Good luck!

Is it just about sex or are you just not physically attracted to him? Physical attraction plays a big part in sexual attraction. Maybe you should advise him to make some changes to his physical appearance without making sexual implications. Or just be creative. Spice up your love life by creating fun and exciting scenarios. Hide and seek, bubble bath, etc. But first and foremost, PUSH-Pray Until Something Happens.

I was glad to read your follow-up. Congrats to you for having enough courage and love for your husband to confront a very delicate issue with an open heart. It seems to have payed off royally. :)