My Husband Secret Still Hunts Me.

I'm sorry, but a man who doesn't appreciate an attractive woman?
There's a name for that: Dead.

It doesn't mean he's not a good husband and father.

I think you guys need some counseling. Together.

Good luck!

Seriously???? So what he masterbTes most normal healthy people do.... It feels good why wouldn't you do something at feels good. If you see him doing offer to do it for him

Masturbation is very normal and many people do it a lot.

It does not mean he is cheating on you.

Lighten up a bit... It sounds like you are wound up a bit tightly, especially your views of sex and natural experiences. Broaden your mind... and if he is in the mood, help him out a bit. Maybe you both would get more fulfillment.

Well the problem is that you were taught that
masturbation is bad, unhealthy, sinful and in someway cheating on you.

The truth is that masturbation is completely normal.
It is a physical release for most people. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you.

It was a disservice to you that whoever told you this is something to be ashamed of.

It is just like anything else we do in private. Take showers, go to the potty.

In no way does this mean he is not faithful to you. That he loves and respects you. But WE cannot convince you.

You need to speak to a true therapist about this Or your Doctor. They will explain that both men, women and yes children masturbate and it helps them feel better afterwards. Sometimes it relieves tension and sometimes it calms them down. What is wrong with that?

So sorry that you have felt so angry and hurt, There is really no reason for this. But because you were very misinformed, you really need to get a book about human bodies and study this part.

I didn't realize anyone still believed masturbation is wrong.

I'm glad you are in therapy.

ETA: " I dont judge my husband or anyone who does it. " No, you absolutely do. If you didn't, this wouldn't bother you.

After your SWH: you have already decided that masturbation, is not acceptable so why did you ask the question?

Masturation is very normal. I suggest that because virginity is important to both of you that you haven't explored sexual it much. I suggest you talk with your doctor or perhaps a Sex therapist about this. If the program your husband is in is not for sex therapy that both of you talk with a sex therapist or even a regular therapist.

I grew up with religious parents who were very up tight about sex I was a virgin until I was 29. I learned that sex and sexual feelings are very normal and not a sacred thing to only be done in certain circumstances. I learned how to masturbate and still enjoy it.

My ex husband masturbated often. He learned to do it as a kid. It gave him pleasure. He, too, thought he shouldn't do it. His parents were much like mine. At first he hid it from me. I told him doing so was fine with me. Because he hid it and wasn't having sex with me, I felt hurt. I was jealous of his hand. lol Because I'd had lots of therapy related to depression I was able to think through my feelings and was able to let go of my jealousy. Because my ex was not able to accept that masturation was OK, he continued to masturbane and feel guilty.

I urge you and your husband to take a good look at why you both are having strong emotional issues about masturbation. Most people masturbation and enjoy it. I wonder if your husband and perhaps you grew up in a religious home or perhaps with parents with strong beliefs that masturbation is wrong. Or perhaps with parents who never talked with you about masturbation. I urge you to work this out together.

Some large churches have a counseling staff. If the church is not ultra conservative and your views are the result of religion, your church may be able to help you.

Added: I worked in a male dominated profession in which men were open in mixed group a way. They joked about which women were a turn on and which weren't. I know that many loved and were faithfull to their wives. Men are more easily aroused than many women. It's normal to get turned on by other women. It's normal to masturbate. It's OK to fantasize. Fantasizing about sex is no more wrong than fantasizing about being at the beach.

Let me share my experience with changing my beliefs, not only about sex but also about other beliefs I accepted without thinking about them to make my beliefs my own. Letting go of sexual beliefs is difficult. It took me months to accept that sexuality is a normal part of life. I was limited in how I looked at it. When I started to masturbate I did not become aroused. Only with continuing to get a better understanding of sex and how it affects our bodies was I able to enjoy it. I suggest that just reading about sexuality and how our attitudes and the ways we become aroused affect us will be helpful. I wasn't able to talk much about what was happening to me. I read a lot.

Your husband comes home to you. He shares his feelings and his sexual it with you. I urge both of you to get professional help overcoming your fears.

Masturbation is a perfectly normal activity for both sexes.

Becoming aroused when seeing an attractive person is perfectly normal for both sexes.

Fantasizing about people other than your spouse is perfectly normal for both sexes.

If my honey sees a beautiful woman while he's at work, and gets turned on, that just means he's already primed when it comes time for us to knock boots. It doesn't matter WHY he's turned in - what matters is that it's ME he's bringing that sexual energy home to.

You must have been raised in a very sheltered, super religious environment. Most people, men and women, masturbate and have sexual fantasies, including happily married people.
I suggest you get some counseling for yourself. I feel sorry that your husband feels so much shame from you. Not wanting to be with him for being a normal human being is very sad and will certainly destroy your marriage :-(

i'm pretty taken aback that any mature woman in this day and age would consider her husband's masturbation a 'secret' that 'hunts' her. it's ridiculous to think that after marriage anyone stops seeing or being turned on by anyone else. and downright juvenile to consider self-gratification to be disgusting or an addiction.
i mean, if he's doing it every hour, he's got a problem.
but this sounds like a very normal man who takes care of passing urges in a sensible fashion, and loves and is totally committed to his wife.
despite the fact that she has rather shrill and completely unrealistic expectations of him.
i suggest you get counseling for your considerable issues.
ETA i see you're from utah. i got some unbelievably creepy and troublesome advice about 'sex with oneself' from an elder when i was a teen. fortunately i didn't believe it, it simply caused me to break with my family church once and for all. i'm wondering if you are LDS and have been taught that a 13 year olds natural urges are sinful?
ETAA after your SWH, it makes little sense to come to place where the majority have healthy views about sexuality and try to get support for your 'perfection' and 'clean' views about normality. your husband is faithful to you- if you want a man who bleaches his mind of all thoughts of other women, you are doomed to a life of disappointment, and destroying the relationship with the good man you've got. i'm not quite sure what your family's 'promiscuity' has to do with anything. nobody in your scenario is promiscuous, and most of the folks here aren't either. are you equating promiscuity with masturbation? if so, did you witness your family masturbating? your unfortunately impossible perspective does indicate some severe damage occurred at some point. please get help.
khairete
S.

There is NOTHING wrong with masturbation. Honestly, I am wondering if this question is fake. There is nothing wrong with what your husband is doing. It's normal to have fantasies and normal for people (women too!) to masturbate. If he loves you and is not cheating on you and still wants to have sex with you, I'm not sure why you are disgusted. There is nothing disgusting about it. And it does not offend God. Seriously...this has to be fake.

Both masturbation and fantasies are perfectly normal. I don't see why your husband has struggled with masturbation since he was 13 unless someone told him it was wrong. Perhaps seeing a counselor together might be helpful to overcome these inhibitions.

I'm going to be really frank with you. Honesty is the best policy for me.

a) Your husband feels guilty about having these feelings for religious reasons and because you give him a hard time about it.

b) There is nothing inappropriate about masturbating, in my opinion. He is not cheating on you by having thoughts about other women. He is human. Totally human. People look at each other because it's human nature to do so. Honestly, I think there is something wrong if you don't acknowledge in your own mind the beauty of someone else.

Now, with that being said, masturbation can become unhealthy, just like any other addiction. If he's masturbating in inappropriate places, or about children, or masturbating 15 times per day, then he has an issue. Just like drugs, food or anything else, masturbation CAN become an addiction.

I don't get the sense from your post that this is what he dealing with... It sounds like you need to go into some therapy to deal with your own feelings of betrayal. This sounds like more your issue.

I hope you get some help. It's no fun to feel like you're feeling right now.

Unless your husband is masturbating so much he cannot function in other areas of his life, or is masturbating in inappropriate places it is not an addiction or something he should stop doing. It is a normal thing that people do. Please get help for yourself before you teach your children to be ashamed of their natural urges.

ETA: After reading your SWH I hope you never tell your children how you feel about this. It sounds like you suffered some sort of trauma as a child and you need to get help for it. Do not make your children feel dirty for doing something that is innocent and normal because you have some serious hang ups.

I feel sorry for you both. You've been taught growing up that sex is not a natural urge, and you have so many strictures on it that neither of you can enjoy it. It's a real shame, too.

It is NORMAL for men and women to masturbate. It is normal to feel sexual urges. Men are very visual where sex is concerned.

He needs to feel accepted for what is a very normal thing. If you stopped harping on him for masturbating, he wouldn't feel like he couldn't. The act of telling him NOT TO and him feeling that he isn't SUPPOSED TO is the reason he feels like he needs to masturbate so much. The women he sees is just a small part of it.

Let me tell you something. If you can't let go of this, you're going to lose your husband. If you don't have sex with him, then you are just asking for him to go elsewhere and get sex. Is that what you want? Masturbation won't be enough at some point.

You need to grow up now and understand human nature - people need to have sex and sometimes need to do it themselves. A man knows what works with his body. Most women do too. And most married couples use masturbation in addition to sex, WITH EACH OTHER.

If you would try to accept it and be with him and just hold him while he masturbates and not fault him for it, ask him what he's thinking of, or shame him, your marriage would be better and he wouldn't feel like he needs to do it so much. And he wouldn't feel ashamed. It's wrong for him to feel ashamed. It's wrong for you to make him feel ashamed.

We're human beings, we're sexual, we don't have a mating season (we can have sex at any time not necessarily just for pro-creation purposes), we can be monogamous (although a few individuals just can't manage it).
The main problem here is not your husbands masturbation or his fantasies or even your religion s rules - it's that you're feeling insecure and feel threatened by what turns your husband on.

It's perfectly fine to have a healthy fantasy life.
You're both only having sex with each other so you both are being faithful to your marriage vows.
I have an imaginary friend - his name is Larz and he resembles a romance novel cover model - he exists to worship me - he gives my ego an enormous boost and it's totally harmless - my husband is not at all threatened by this and our sex life is great.

ADD: I don't know if you'll see this, as I'm adding it to a previous post. I hope you do.

From your SWH - it can be just as hurtful and harmful to come from promiscuous background as from an overly religious background, because BOTH give a person very unhealthy concepts of and feelings about sex, sexuality, and behaviour.

It's entirely possible that because of your childhood, you have SEVERELY locked down practically all of your feelings and reactions - natural and healthy - regarding your own body/mind/sexuality.

Your husband has not had the experience you have and has natural responses to stimuli. The important thing here is that he does not act on them. He may be somewhat aroused by the visual appearance of another female (men are VERY visual), but he does not want them. He wants you. He is not blind to the beauty of others around him, but he does not want them in the way he wants you. His mind is not "unfaithful" unless he is planning on cheating with another woman.

I totally understand why you have chosen the path you are on, but it seems like the extreme level of control that you put yourself under to survive your growing up years is potentially going to cause you harm because it is interfering in healthy adult relationships.

Please talk about this to your therapist, perhaps couples therapy as well.

ORIGINAL: It is perfectly normal - UNLESS he is choosing it INSTEAD of you. See the other responses.

A.

I'm sorry. I think you've been taught some "wrong" things about love and sex.

First things first - HUMANS - that means both men and women - LOOK. People who are married and have that COMMITMENT, morals and integrity - DON'T TOUCH....I look all the time....my husband looks too...doesn't mean we are cheating. Doesn't mean we're not attracted to each other - it means we LOOK.

Do you put a potato sack on and believe that no one is paying attention to you? Or do you try to look nice when you go out shopping or anywhere? I'd bet you try to look nice so that people will say "that's a nice looking W."...right??? So what would you do if you knew that men might be masturbating to you? It could be happening...why?? because it's NORMAL.

Second thing - Masturbation is NORMAL. He's MASTURBATING....it's NORMAL, it's HEALTHY....if he needs to do it every 15 minutes - then it's a problem - but if he's doing it in private?? it's NOT a problem. Are you stating you have NEVER masturbated??! I'm sorry - but it's NORMAL for a W. to masturbate as well. It's not wrong. It's NOT dirty.

Maybe you need to find a therapist who can help you get past the anger and resentment you are feeling??? This is NOT something that should be "haunting" you or "hunting" you. I'm sorry that you feel disgusted by his touch. He is TOUCHING YOU...NOT someone else. YOU.

I'm sorry, but your thoughts of him not having ANY sexual interest for anyone after you?? I think it's wrong because I believe it's natural to look at other people and find something about them that is attractive. You aren't going after them. You are appreciating something about them.

My husband goes outside to eat his lunch at work. I've made him that lunch...he admires women walking by...he might tell me about a dress or outfit they were wearing....is that wrong? NO. It's NORMAL to look and admire.

Please find a therapist that will help you see that masturbation is NORMAL. It's NOT disgusting. You need help to get you past your anger and resentment you are feeling (yes, I'm repeating myself) towards your husband.

I wish you luck and peace...

Both masturbation and fantasy are normal.

Sounds like you might be Mormon? This sight is not very religion friendly or sympathetic. I can see that this question was not handled with much sympathy, gentleness, or understanding. For the most part, one extreme was met with another. Somewhere between an outright ban on masturabtion and a masturbation free-for-all is probably best. I hope you can get the insight you need. Masturbation certainly can be a problem in a marriage, especially if it interferes with intimacy and he choses to do it instead of being intimate with you. The bible is strangely silent on the topic of maturation. Though it has a lot to say about lust. But the two go hand in hand. Your husband may in fact have a problem focusing outside of the marriage. But I agree with your husband that it is unrealistic to think you won't face attraction outside of marriage. Those feeling do come. What counts is how you handle those feelings.

The thing that we cannot determine on our end is if his hang -up is guilt produced by doing it at all, or if his habit really has turned into an addiction that interferes with his marriage and normal life. Does he feel guilty because his religion forbids it or because it takes over his life?

I can see where his honesty was more than you were ready to hear. Indeed, I think its best to be somewhat vague when discussing outside attraction in our marriages. But I also agree that his openness with you is a good sign. You may need to gently share with him your feelings at this time and that you need a little time to recover from what you have learned about his thinking.

I know these can be painful things to know about another person, but I also know that in time you can heal and grow stronger in your marriage.

I think that there is a time and place for masturbation, but that marriages are better when you hold off and wait for each other. You didn't mention your sex life so it's quite hard for us to offer any real insight.

All the best to you.

I have to tell you that you and he absolutely need to go to counseling outside of any religious organization. Why outside of church?

Because some religions poke their heads in your bedroom and try to control you.

Masturbation is a natural part of our human experience. You need to seek counseling for this soon, your ideals are incorrect and counseling will help you find out why you think this.

You might have been taught that touching yourself is a sin, that's it's being unfaithful, that it's nasty or dirty or something else but it's not.

Learning something from a young age and have that ingrained in your mind doesn't make it so, or right, or the only way.

Masturbation is not cheating, it's not lowering yourself or lacking respect for your mate.

Because you feel disgusted by him touching you this means this is your issue and not his. He loves you and he loves God and he's not going to cheat on you.

If you are LDS I know you've been taught even by the youth leaders that it's wrong but it's not really all that bad.

I also know that if you go to a church counselor they're going to make this out to be a big deal and a mortal sin and all kinds of stuff okay? I know that because I've been in the stake young women's leadership and been in those classes with the girls.

I know there are millions of people in the world who don't masturbate and that's okay too. BUT those who're struggling with it and it's an issue in the marriage.....I think there's a bigger problem. I know you want to follow the scriptures and the leaders teachings but the church teaches you these things as a youth for the purpose of trying to keep you from making mistakes before you get married.

If you start necking or making out with some boy then your...sexuality is awakened. You feel the urge to have sex during this time and it's more likely that you'll get carried away with it and find yourself pregnant.

SO they teach that heavy kissing and touching below the neck is wrong, that it's wrong to masturbate.

They want the youth to not wake up the sex stuff so the tell you it's all a sin so you'll be afraid to do it or you'll be separated from God and Heaven and won't get to go there when you die.

I know you're a good person but the thoughts and feelings you have about this are off by quite a bit. Really they are. I think a good counselor will listen to you and then listen to your husband and help you both to come to terms with that you want or don't want in your marriage.

We are members of the Church and (I'm not saying "how" often) we have enjoyed masturbation by ourselves and together side by side, doing each other, etc...I do not think God cares what we do in our bedroom as long as we are caring and loving and supportive of our partners.

He loves us and wants us to come home to live with Him some day. Please don't let this destroy your marriage. Seek counseling outside of the church.

There are actual programs to overcome masturbation addictions? I have never heard of this. Masturbation is normal. Honestly I thought all men do it and the ones who claim they don't are either lying or have a medical problem.

Don't let this destroy your marriage. That would be so sad when you have acknowledged you have a "very good man."

This sounds like a non problem. Focus on all that is good in your life. Enjoy some self pleasure too. I agree w previous posters, not a big deal.

You should probably talk to someone at your church, because the majority of people on this website and pretty much everywhere else think masturbation is completly normal.

this sounds like a fake question, because if you clearly don't believe in most mainstream ideas of sex then why are you asking questions of a random internet site?

Your swh explains so much. There is not much anyone can say to someone who thinks of masturbation as dirty and wrong. I can tell you that the more you two talk about it, the more likely it is that you two will find a solution. The act is some kind of trigger for you, it's important that you find out why. He knows this, hence his shame. Be easy on the man, there's a compromise to be made here.

The only thing I can think to add to what others have mentioned already is - you do realize men are doing this about you too right? There's probably been more than one guy who's fantasized about you at some point. I'm sure you've been checked out at the grocery store, etc. It's not just your husband :)

If you let go of the shame, the fear and insecurity - all I can say is, you'll be that much happier in your marriage. You just might some therapy to help you find a way to let all that baggage go.

Good luck :)

I think the studies show that up to 99% of men masturbate.. often daily.. it is not a reflection on his feeling for you.. for men sex can be totally separate from love.. it can be just a physical thing.. ..

Men are different than women.. Unless you are ready and willing to provide your husband with a quickie any time of they day or night.. with kids around.. and all the other stuff going on.. I know that some women are just as happy for hub to go off in the bathroom for a minute to take care of his business..

He doesn't need therapy to stop masturbating any more than you need therapy to accept it as a natural body function for men. Life is too full of moral battles to give this a second thought. It's risk-free way for males to relieve a physical urge. No pregnancies, no diseases, no cheating. It's actually very healthy unless you guys are having sex every single day so he's got a sex addiction where he needs to ejaculate constantly or something. The more he masturbates or has sex, the longer he will last sexually as he ages. You should be encouraging him.

But I don't expect you to change your beliefs. It is sad though, because when two adults are honest about it and not in moral turmoil over it, it's actually a bonding thing. My ex and I would joke about it etc.

As for him telling you he gets aroused by looking at other women and wants to masturbate and he feels dirty and guilty..that was a dumb thing to confide!!!!!...and...HOW OLD ARE YOU GUYS?! It seems like a lot of guilt has been placed upon you both from somewhere and you're both lacking a lot of maturity.

Where I do urge you to seek therapy is that you feel disgusted by him now in bed. Honestly if you destroy your marriage over this you will NEVER, and I mean NEVER meet another man who does not masturbate. You will never and I mean NEVER meet another man who NEVER looks at and thinks about other women. I'm like you, I don't really fantasize about men when I have a partner. But men DO. Every man I've ever met, and I'm not young.

And even if you do meet a man who never masturbates or looks at women and thinks about them, that alone will not make him a morally pure person. He may do other bad things. Look at priests who never marry. Some of them go after little boys.

from googling statistics, here are some numbers that show it is commong and normal. I would tell him to stop feeling guilty. He seems very open and honest with you, and committed and loving. Sounds like you both have some hang-ups about sex. And thinking that after marriage a man or woman turns into a non-feeling robot is just plain silly. The only commitment is not to act on it.

Percentages of Males and Females Reporting Masturbation in the Past Month and Past Year, Ages 14 - 70+.

PAST MONTH PAST YEAR
AGE MALE FEMALE MALE FEMALE
14-15 42.9 24.1 62.1 40.4
16-17 58.0 25.5 74.8 44.8
18-19 61.6 26.0 80.6 60.0
20-24 62.8 43.7 82.7 64.3
25-29 68.6 51.7 83.6 71.5
30-39 66.4 38.6 80.1 62.9
40-49 60.1 38.5 76.0 64.9
50-59 55.7 28.3 72.1 54.1
60-69 42.3 21.5 61.2 46.5
70+ 27.9 11.5 46.4 32.8

While I think there is nothing wrong with a married man who masturbates, I do think there is something off with his direct connection to seeing a pretty woman and wanting to masturbate.

You and he have eyes, unless you gouge them out you both are going to "see" other people. "Seeing" is not a bad thing, most people (I hope) in a committed relationship will see someone attractive of the opposite sex while out and about and think, "Oh, isn't he/she lovely." and go about their day. For your husband's mind to go from "Woah, she's pretty." to "MUST MASTURBATE NOW!" I think that is a problem.

I do not think he has so stop masturbating, unless it is making him not want to be with you. I do think he needs to retrain himself to not jump from seeing someone attractive to masturbation. This may be something he has to work on the rest of his life. You can try being his "image" of attractiveness. You don't have to be overly sexual, but pretty yourself up for when he comes home. Let the image of you replace any he may have come across in day to day life. Send him images of yourself in a pretty skirt, a playful wink. Wear your hair the way he likes it and text him sweet things to make him think of you.

Good luck!