Marriage Issues

Dear S.,

Only you can know. If what you want is to be with this man, I would suggest, because he has done it two times (that you know of), that there are some deep seeded issues for him that will require his willingness to get help getting to the bottom of it for him. I would also suggest that he is not alone in this. I myself was the (victim) at the time I found out about my husband's affair. Through a training we both did together and counseling and lot's of work....because a wonderful marriage requires work, we have seen many ups and downs, but we are "in" it together. Like you, I loved my husband, and every time I tried to even think about leaving, I couldn't. I didn't want to. What I did want, was not just another empty promise. And, there were many more things I did want, that only came out over time. My learning, was deep. Truth is, if he is going to have another affair, he will. I cannot control his behavior. He has to do that. But I can take a stand and say what's so for me and what I want. It's a process, and it's a compromise. Even though I for years, didn't see that I should compromise anything...after all, he was the one who had the affair. But that kind of relationship is unbalanced as well. He didn't leave the house (as many times as I wanted him to), but he did sleep in another area of the house for quite a while while we got counseling and help. The training that helped us more than anything else we tried was called "More to Life". If you're interested, look them up on the i-net under Moretolife.org. It was worth every penny and moment and more valuable than any counseling we did, although the counseling was valuable too. We actually chose a psychologist who had taken the training as well. It's a ride, but on the other side, I can tell you it WAS worth it. We communicate in a different way. We love in a different way. Most people don't reach this level in their mariage. You have to have 2 people willing.

I'm kinda going through the same thing you are. If you need someone to talk(vent)to email me(____@____.com) and we can exchange numbers.

Hi S.,
Have you ever ask him why or has he ever told you why he did it?? If he can give you an honest answer and not just what you wanna hear then I think you could both start the reconciliation process. If he doesnt though how are you both supposed to fix the reason he did it in the first place?? In my opinion that is what you should be talking about first and then work on coming up with a solution to that WHY??

If it was me, I'd leave.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

obviously he isn't putting his energy into the marriage if he;s out getting his jollies elsewhere. You gave him a second chance - how many does this man deserve? You deserve better than a man who has not committed himself to you and your marriage.

Your daughters deserve a better example for the kind of man they should grow up to marry. Ask yourself if this is the kind of marriage/relationship you want your daughters to have. If you wouldn't want it for them, you shouldnt set that example.

Only you can decide if you want to put up with his inability to keep his pants on. If you stay, then ask him if that is that kind of man he wants his daughters to grow up and marry - a man that would run around behind their backs and bring home god knows what disease. If he doesnt want that for his children, and is willing to seek counseling and you are willing to risk him humiliating you and disrespecting you (not to mention breaking his vows, yet again), then go to marriage counseling. You should also go to individual, because this cant be healthy for your self-esteem!

S.,

I am so, so so sorry you are going through this. You've gotten some wonderful, caring advice but I have to play devil's advocate. In my experience, once a cheater always a cheater. I know there are few exceptions but I still feel the same. My father cheated repeatedly on my mother the entire 34 years of their marriage. Every time, he tearfully apologized and promised not to do it again and still he did. He even had a child with another woman at the same time my mother was pregnant with one of my brothers! My mother only stayed so that her children would have a father but he was never there anyway due to his continued affairs. In addition, my first husband (for 7 years) also cheated on me several times. It was the same old story, crying and apologizing for his "weakness" every time. We even went to counseling, separate and together. It didn't work. I found out later that he had a girlfriend all along. He eventually moved out to be with her. I know I may sound bitter but, truly, I am not. I have forgiven him and moved on. I have been very happily married now for almost 11 years to a wonderful man I consider my soul mate and who treats me with the love and respect we all deserve as women, wives, mothers, and most importantly, as human beings. Love yourself enough to know that you and your children deserve so much better. That all being said, only you can make the decision and it has to feel right for you and your children. Good luck to you and I hope things do work out for the best for you and your family.

If you can accept that your husband will have occasional affairs, then maybe you can stick together. If you can't, then you should leave. You are a strong woman and having him break trust and shred your respect for both of you is so damaging to you AND your children. Raise the kids but make sure he pays his fair share and he should also do his part raising them/spending time with them. Let him be with his 'flingees' and you can find someone who appreciates and respects you and your relationship. Do it now while the kids are young and they'll get the benefit of seeing their mother get into a better, more honorable situation where she is not taken for granted (and then stay away from guys that take you for granted!!!).

Big hugs to you, S.. As the child of divorce (my mother raised 3 young children on her own) I can tell you how hard and devastating divorce is when it happens and involves young children. I obviously do not know you or your husband, but I would say that if he is open to counseling, then please try it. It might not 'fix' the situation, but divorce is something you cannot undo - it sounds as though you really want to make things work if they can. And if things don't work and you do end up deciding to divorce, please talk to your children about it a lot. Let the father talk to them about it; take them to counseling. To this day I still bear the wounds of my father leaving our family; but I think it would have been much, much easier on me if someone would have taken the time to explain to me what was going on and why. I know this is not an easy situation you are in; I will pray for you today that God will give you peace.

Dear S., I feel for you, girlfriend. My husband has hurt me greatly through an affair, and we have separated twice because of another woman. It is so hard to go back and open up yourself to that kind of hurt, not just once but twice. I felt that God led me to stay with my husband and fight for my marriage. I don't know what He will lead you to do. I hope that you are in a strong Christian church, and if you are, talk to your pastor about it. As your spiritual authority, he should be able to advise you based upon Biblical principals. You both need to see a marriage counselor. Seek God's will and talk to a marriage counselor. That would be my advice. Obviously something is wrong if he will not be faithful to you, and you need help from experts in mending relationships to help you. Focus on the Family is a great place to contact. They can help you find a strong Christian counselor in your area, give you advice and recommend some materials to help you and your husband. You can call them at !-800-AFamily or Google Focus on the Family. I hope this advice helps and that God works things out for you.

Once may be a mistake. Twice is a pattern. Be prepared. L.

S. I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you and know that you will ultimately make the right decision for your family. This should be a time of happiness with the third one on the way instead of this heavy burden. I don't know what I would do. If I were married and had no children I would probably leave. If I had children (which I have a 4 year old son) I would have to really think about the long term. Only you know the circumstances and the part this is playing on your children and whether your husband is a good father. We know he could certainly improve on being a good husband. At any rate, I would definitely do the counseling TOGETHER and then see how you feel. Hopefully he is willing to do the counceling and try to keep your family together. You are suppose to forgive and forget - but I don't know if I could forget. What would he do if you had had an affair? I'll be praying for you guys. The other issue I would be dealing with is health. How could he risk the possibility of you getting sick from his relations? I'm sure you will get alot of responses on this. Take care of yourself and your children and let everything progress as it is suppose to. Cindi

I personally, have not been in your situation with my marriage but know of people. Only you can answer whether you are making the right decision. I would advice to go through with marriage counseling if you stay together to work on trust and committment issues. I have loved and still loved the father of my 8 year old who I was engaged to but broke it off because he was a cheater and not what I wanted my son to look at as a role model. It never meant that the love went away but he could not give me what I needed for a family I wanted.

Deep breath. Wow. I understand where you're coming from and hope God speaks through me.

First, seek out a Christian marriage counselor. Anyone else will tell you to get out bc its not working and he's a loser, not understanding the havoc that divorce wreaks on a family, an individual, children...for generations. A Christian marriage counselor, however, understands some of those implications as well as your duty to Christ. Remember that you are responsible for your actions only but you are responsible for your actions to the ultimate Judge.

That said...ummm....I think a Christian counselor worth their salt will have the discernment to tell whether he's willing to change. If he's not, he'll continue this behavior. Also, such a conselor will be able to identify over time areas where your marriage is weak which allowed him to be tempted to go elsewhere. He may just be a whoring schlub, but you married him for alot of reasons and surely that wasn't one of them - so I doubt it. A good counselor will also be able to lead you in ways to provoke action on his part in a biblical fashion so that the decisions in regard to the marriage, etc are made by him, thus allowing you to "keep your hands clean" so to speak. But you personally need individual counseling prior to marriage counseling as a couple to figure out where you are and start getting some healing. And it takes ALOT of time.

Second affair? If you stay are you an idiot? No, not if you can heal your marriage and use it as an INCREDIBLE testimony throughout your life to help others in the same situation. Keep in mind, though, that Christ understood the anguish of adultery and how it decimates people, families, children, and that it was THE reason (the only reason) He said God allows divorce.

If you get to a point where you can without it inspiring bitterness or other seeds of sin, try reading John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and maybe then Jim Burns' Creating an Intimate Marriage. These books have been lifesavers for us after my husband's affair.

Pray hard. We'll be praying for you. Single motherhood is incredibly difficult if you decide to go that route. Make sure you have a STRONG support net - family, friends, etc.

God keep you and give you peace. Remember that He alone is our strong Tower.

Dear S.,

Thankfully, I've never had this experience, but I'll just tell you how I (as a Christian for the last 38 years) figure out whether I'm supposed to do something major or not:
I make a (mental) list of the reasons I should do it and the reasons I shouldn't. If I find that I'm trying to talk God INTO it, then I probably already subconsciously know that I shouldn't do it. But if I'm trying to talk God OUT of it, I probably already sense that I SHOULD. Hope this helps.

Not every marriage is made in heaven, and you can't control what the other partner does. If you're considering taking him back because you 'need' him, that's not a good enough reason. We don't know what his promises are about reconciliation. Is he truly sorry, or does he lack remorse. Since it happened before, did he promise never to do it again (but did)? YOU are the one who knows how committed (or non-committal) he is to the family. Since this is a repeated offense and you still want him back 'as is', you'll have to be willing to share him, and that's your prerogative; but it sends a sad message to your daughters . . . That mom's not worth being committed to and doesn't have enough stamina to demand faithfulness. It'll harm their self-esteem and their future relationships. Focus on the Family has resources and information about this. Please call them at 1-800-A-FAMILY ###-###-####).

God bless you and your family. I know it's hard, but I don't know how hard it is for you and for that I'm truly sorry for your turmoil. I know, that it is not for us "the women" to leave and or to start divorce proceedings. I feel all the time about divorcing my husband of almost 16 years over him being an alcoholic and lying about it and sneaking around. Please seek counseling and don't stop even when things seem to get better. You have a ton of options. Ex. separate rooms same house, with him earning trust. I will write your name down and pray for you. Above all let the burden be on your husband and try to keep busy with the true things that matter. My heart and love goes out to you, a sister in Christ.

Get counseling for yourself and your children. You also need marriage counseling. I would suggest he get counseling on his own also. Before any decisions are made get counseling. I wish you and your family the best of luck and may God bless you.

S.,

If you really love your husband then you have to come to a realization within your self about how much are you willing to take. Because even after counseling etc he may still cheat on you if you continue to allow him to. And the reason why I say allow him to is because you have forgiven him and taken him back at least once after he cheated. So in my opinion that is what you have to decide is your love for him greater than his unfaithfulness. Most importantly continue to pray to God but make sure you are praying for your husband and that God will change him into the man God created him to be. And once God changes him you will not have to worry about the unfaithfulness.

God Bless
B.

I gues it would depend alot on why he was having the affairs. Me my marriage well i guess is non traditional.I know men can need varied sex at times so its up to you if you let him do it.

I am amazed that you are pg again, with your ups and downs. It is one thing to work on things, another to knowingly bring a baby into a troubled marriage. That said, he has done this twice that you know of, probably more. He comes back, so he loves you. He needs in depth counseling, cause he has a real problem. I can't imagine leaving with 3 little children, one a new baby. I give you a lot of credit for trying to work things out. I beg you to get counseling for him and for yourself, separately at first, and then together. This is not something that a year of counseling will fix.

S.,
I am really sorry to hear all that you are going through. You nor your children deserve that. I wish I could say that everything was going to work out perfect. Chances are high that your husband will cheat again. It will be your decision to stay and deal with it or just leave in order for you and your children to move on with your life that much faster. You are young and still have the chance to have a life with someone who will be faithful to you. Of course, this is easier said than done which is the hard part of it all. I am really sorry. Ups and downs are a part of all relationships, but cheating is a whole other story. I wish you and your family the absolute best.

S., I am sorry that you have to endure this pain. My first husband had an affair, more of an orgy, I think. Any way I tried to forgive him for that but since he was abusive and using drugs we finally decided that we needed to go our separate ways. We had a child who was 8 mos old when he left. He has never seen him(his choice).He is now almost 22 year old grown man. When I met the person I married next his ex-wife had an affair also. We both agreed that we could not put up with an affair again. Since we had been hurt that way we did not want to do that to each other. We have been happily married for 18 years. I would definetly seek counseling and if he is willing to go to counseling then he needs it also. If he can come to terms with why he has affairs then maybe he can work on that. I will keep you and your family in our prayers. Good Luck and God Bless!

This is so hard...only you know if you love your husband and can forgive him, Were you separated during his last "fling?"
Is he truly sorry? Can you forgive him and trust him again?
I think going to couseling is definitely the right decision. Children need their parents and you will be parents of three!! Even if you divorce he will always be your children's father and will always be in your life. I hope things work out for you. It sounds like you will put in the effort to see if you can save your marriage-ggod luck!(and happy baby!!)
N.

Sounds like you have a military man. I give props to his service to his country, but thats it. I have years of experience of dealing with men and women who have had affairs in the military; once started, it doesn't stop. Its been my experience that 1 in 20 will stop b/c they realize their family means more, and then they will do everything to arrange to be home more to force a change in lifestyle on themselves. There are just to many opportunities- deployments, training, out of state training, ect... Good luck with your choice, but if I was in your shoes, I'd go stay with a close friend or family member for a while and start devorce.

I hope you get some positive advice b/c I say if they do it more than once, and get away with it, they will do it again. I dated a guy for 6 yrs who 'made a mistake once' so I stayed. then he made it again, and again, and again. EAch time is easier to stay and then they realize, 'hey, she is not going to leave me, I will just cry and tell her how sorry I am and she will stay with me'. Personally, with children involved, you need to do what you HAVE to do for those children but if you have a way out, get out. Have enough respect for yourself and for your children to get out and find someone who will truly love you and your children. If he truly loved you and loved those kids, he would not disrespect you, their mother. In 'only' 5 1/2 years you have had lots of downs and he has had 2 affairs, this marraige has to last a lifetime and it has already started badly......sorry to be negative, I have no patience for cheaters. One time can be forgiven but the more they do it and you take them back.....'Shame me once, your fault, shame me twice, my fault'.

do you have family you can live with? Good luck, do what is best for you and your children.

S.,

I am sorry you are still having problems with him. You are in a vulnerable position right now due to your pregnancy. Your hormones are going crazy, the emotions are nuts and it won't get any better after the baby. You know that. My advise would be for you to seek councilling on your own first. Make sure of what you want. Have him go to councilling separately also, if he will, and then when your emotions are not all churned up with your hormones, the two of you could start couples councilling. Right now you could end up making decisions that if you were your normal self, you may not make. Buy yourself some time until after the baby is born and you go through the post partum depression. (Hopefully that won't be to bad for you. To bad it happens no matter what!!!) Talk through all the emotions that you will have due to the pregnancy. When you feel you are ready to make a better decision, then start the councilling with him if that is what you decide you still want.

Good luck with everything, keep the faith!!

E.

Dear S.,

First, let me tell you how deeply sorry I am that you are having to deal with this. You sound like a very strong women, though, and I am sure you will be happy in whatever outcome you decide upon. There is an old saying that I like to think about, when faced with a tough decision, such as you have to make....."Love is not a life spent with someone you can live with, Love is a life spent with someone you can't live without...." Try imagining your future with and without being married to your husband. Write down the pros and cons. Try to imagine that even if you reconcile and get pastoral counseling, what would you be prepared to do, if he does this again. No matter how much he tells you that he loves you (which I'm sure he does), it sounds like he's got some character flaws, and until he's comfortable in his own skin, and gets to the root of the reason why he cheats, he is probably going to be difficult to trust. Do you want to constantly worry about where or who he's with? You and your children are worth way more than that!! Trust that the Lord and your heart will guide you to the best decision for you and your girls. If you leave him, it doesn't mean that you have to stop loving him, it just means that you are going to start loving yourself more, because you deserve it.............

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry...I'm a military spouse and have seen so many marriages end because of affairs, flings whatever you want to call them...I have to say, most occured more than once. I will tell you I was guilty once and only once and thankfully my husband forgave me. It was very early in our marriage and I was very confused about his feelings for me. He'll never know that but it was the reason for my straying. I have never even thought about cheating since. Having said that, what are his reasons? Was it someone he knew or just a new face at the local bar?? There are alot of things you need to find out and esp with the three children take a look at what you want in your life. I'm going to be mean for a moment, but I did the same thing with my cousin who's husband cheated 10 of the 12 years they were married....what are you going to tell your children when he brings a disease home to you and there is no cure???? How are they going to handle a life without either of you? Is this the life you want?? The seed of doubt was the hardest part for me to get rid of when a "friend" told me my husband was madly in love with someone in Kentucky and I was in Germany....it took several years for me to get over that doubt. He was ready to quit school 2 weeks from graduation to come home and convince me there was nothing going on. I found out later, my friend's husband had failed out of that school, that it was her husband cheating...anyway, TMI, you have to decide the life you want for you and your children. He will always be their dad and a part of their lives, but you need to decide if you want that doubt to always be a part of yours. I do not envy your situation and pray you are able to make the right decision for you. My very best to you and remember to take care of yourself for your children's sake. Take care

Wow this is a lot to deal with. The only thing you can do is pray. God will help you if you truley believe and pray for his help. Your husband needs to get help. He also needs to find the Lord in his heart. Your first steps would be to keep your marriage in tact if you still love and think you can go on with raising your family with him. Don't let him off the hook he needs help and church! If you are strong in doing those things and make him accountable you may be able to survive this marraige and have a happy life together. You ahve to trust him fully, seek help and continue to serve the Lord. Only those would heal you I think. I'm not a professional so it's honestly whatever you can mentally do, but all things are done through God he knows what you need even before you ask. He knows your situation. He won't give you more than you can handle just work on your relationship with HIM (GOD) first and your relationship with your husband will follow. I hope this helps most importantly you are a mother and your children need you and need to see a loving mommy and daddy. What they see in your relationship will define what those girls grow up and seek for themselves in finding a mate. You are their role model and they will likely do what they see in your marriage it's all they know. They will seek someone like their father too he needs to be a role model for them as well. They didn't ask for this no more than you did, but you have a choice they do not. They depend on you. Sorry I don't mean to go on and on. I hope you have good family and friends to support you too. God Bless you.

S., my heart goes out to you and your children. I have never been in your situation but know a few people who have been. I think if your husband agrees to the counseling and meeting with the chaplain that he might deserve a third chance. He needs to quit thinking of himself and think of you and his children. If the good outweighs the bad in your marriage, then it is worth trying to save the marriage. He needs to earn back your trust.

Laurie