Marriage Dead but We're Civil/friends with Each Other Staying Together for Son

Either repair or dont...if you dont think that HE doesnt see it...its YOU ALL that are foolish. You cant "pretend" a family. You cant keep it up.Seek couseling, or, a divorce lawyer. Do one or the other, dont make that baby pay the price.

I'm not in this situation, but a kind of similar, but all I can say is what amazing parents you two are being!!! You guys are doing such a wonderful thing not ripping up the household. Just glad you guys are happy! Keep up the good work!

Honestly, when my SIL & BIL got divorced, i asked my husband why they couldn't do what you are doing now. People used to do it all the time. i don't see anything wrong with it, and i wish that if anything happens with my husband and i, we can do the same thing. good luck!

I know... 2 families that are doing that and have the same circumstance as you.
It is fine for them and it works.
However, in these families, the kids DO know.. that their parents are no longer married.
But they are doing what you and your Ex are doing.
And as I said, it works for them, the kids are fine, the kids do not have to go back and forth per visitations and they do not have to change schools or friends or activities. And, they have their parents, still.

A "family"... is made up of many variations.
If it works for you and your child... then I think, this is great.

all the best,
Susan

I was in a similar situation but things have changed, we're coming together again now. It was 9 years of horrendous stress, money problems etc. but I think if you tie a knot at the end of your rope and hold on you might be surprised. I've also, maybe 6 months ago, started praying that God would change us both to be better spouses to each other. That seems to be when the tide changed. Best of luck to you. Just remember, things change.....

My mother stayed with my dad out of a sense of duty. I never saw any affection between them sometimes I saw a freindship but never love or affection. I grew up thinking that's what marriage was. Everyone is different but I would think you will want your son to see a loving and affectionate relationship between his parents. I would recommend counseling to see if you two can get the spark back into your marriage. If you can't it would be better for your son to see both of his parents in a loving relationship with another person.

It's good that you can be cordial and remain decent and under the same roof. My only concern would be that your son doesnt see "affection", you know like hugs and kisses shared between mom and dad. That could affect him in his own relationships one day.
One day your son will be old enough to understand your arrangement. Do you think you would want him to settle for less than what a relationship has to offer? You are teaching him tolerance, but relationships should be much more colorful and happy.
Since you and hubby are "older" that's probably why you can tolerate the relationship like this. I dont think you could get a 20 or 30 yr old to settle for something as bland.

Hi M.,

I am neither a hater or a judge. Your son is very young and when he truly discovers the only one loved in his home, is HE, he just might start trying to play Mom against Dad, if has not already done so.

You and dad waited a long time to become parents and to be blessed with a child. I sincerely hope that in time you and dad will find that your marriage wasn't/isn't dead, but just taking a long nap. Your toddler will grow up and leave....then what, instant divorce?

I do applaud the fact that you both are not interested in other people to date and are willing to stay together. Most adult children would fall into the category that YOU call "haters and judgemental ones", because they knew the only reason their folks stayed together was for their sake. That put a heavy burden on a child....especially an ONLY child. I can only wonder what made you two fall in love in the first place?

I wish you and your family all the best.

Blessings...

I believe you that you don't want to date, but I don't believe your husband that he doesn't want to date. What I have learned in life is that men NEED (not only want, but NEED) sex. So, if you're not giving him sex, then he will want/need to get it from someone else. Or maybe you two are still having sex? I just want you to be aware that if you're not giving him sex anymore, then he is getting it from someone else (or is actively looking if haven't found it yet). Men need sex other than masturbation only. On a different note, I think it is sad to stay together just for the child. The child will be better off if his parents are truly happy divorced rather than unhappily married (even though you two don't fight). Your son will never see you two kiss, hug, hold hands, or lay in bed together. How are you going to explain to your son (when he gets older) why you and Dad don't share the same bedroom? Do you want him growing up thinking that mom and dad sleep in separate rooms, never kiss, never hug and never hold hands? That could really screw up his image of marriage when he is an adult. I am not a "hater" or judging you, but just wanted to bring this to your attention that staying married could be much worse for your son. Plus, you and your husband deserve to be happy with other people. Please don't stay in an unhappy marriage - that's what my parents did and they are both completely miserable.

Hi M., I am not nor have I been in your situation, i just want to say that what you and your husband are doing for your son is awesome and so unselfish. Who knows maybe you will find that love again, when i feel out of love with my husband i took my heart and mind back to a time where he was my world, and now the love is stronger than ever, and we ave been married for 30 years. You are a perfect example how to put children first. J.

I think lots of people might describe a similar situation. I'll assume it's been this way for about 3 years. Not sure how long you've been married. But settling into a, shall we say, comfortable and working routine, is also often a description of marriage....kind of the passing of butterflies and rainbow phase into REALITY.
You describe a situation that is better than a lot of couples I know, so how is that a "bad" thing? Are you sure this is "over" or just in an adjustment phase?

My sister was in this exact situation. Although after a few years of living their 'friendly' life together, she wanted more. They got divorced, remain friends, but are soooo much happier in their new situation.

On another note. My parents are divorced. Growing up, I cannot think of a time I ever saw them being loving or affectionate toward each other and that makes me sad. Now they are both remarried and my dad is so madly in love with his wife. They are very loving and affectionate toward each other. They have a son together. I often think how great it is for my younger brother to have such a loving family and what an amazing example they are setting for him. I never got that. My parents stayed together for me and my sister for as long as they could- which finally ended in divorce when I was 13. They never fought in front of me or anything, so I had no clue that anything was wrong. Who knows how life would have been had they separated sooner. But I do know that at 13 it was very hard for me. Now looking back, I can see it was the best decision for them.

So, while your situation makes sense to me and is understandable, I just worry that later, you will want more (or your husband will). In which case it will be harder on your son then, than it is now.
Whatever you decide, good luck. and you are great parents for having the best intentions for your son.

I think this could be one of the very right way to do things. Especially if you say you are both happy with this arrangement. It would be one thing if you both felt short changed about it and were cheating and battling animosity and providing a sketchy environment. Sure it's easy for other people to say that at ages 48, you guys should split up and go out and fall madly in love with different partners and get 2 new perfect marriages for your son to emulate, but come on people, that's hard at any age. Putting your son first is noble and he could do far worse than having two intelligent, mature, loving, dedicated parents, who are together, who are good to each other. Not every child can have the perfect 2 parents providing all the love, guidance, support and basic necessities AND being madly in love with each other. Just the facts. Good work.

I'm in a similar situation. It makes me sad to think that I may never know love again, in the way I want to experience it... but life is not over. I can't bear to think of my daughter not having her own beloved daddy with her every day, and I certainly don't want to give up my time with her. For now, we are both focused on raising our beautiful daughter. We've been together seven years and our daughter is three. It's a long road ahead. But there are so many variables, and no guarantee that another path would be better, so this is the one we are on for now. I don't know if that helps you, maybe just nice to think you are not alone. Wishing you all the best.

I am not in a relationship like you are describing, but I commend you! You want the very best for your son, a life with both his Mom and Dad. You know, when you are first married to a man, you have butterflies each time you think of him and you want to spend every moment with him. Now that is a form of love, but that isn't the truest form. The truest form of love is deciding to be with them even though you now see all their faults and they sometimes drive you crazy. Love is rolling over in the night and wondering why it was you married this man, and deciding that you would still be in that bed with him in the morning. Love isn't a feeling. Love is a decision. There are still times in my life I get this nice fuzzy feeling about him, but there are a lot of times when there isn't and I still decided to be with him. That's Love.

You are truly GREAT parents. Every child deserves to have their Mom and Dad together. You are placing the needs of your child above all things. I know that your son will grow up to see how much you love him. What an awesome gift! As your son grows older it will be such a blessing to have his Dad in the house and both of you working together to raise this little fella. Kid can pit parents against each other and if you were not together it would be much easier for him to manipulate you and your husband. I think you have the right idea and I wonder if maybe you and your husband don't love each other more than you realize.

I think it is wonderful what you are doing. It is so easy to just quit, so I think it is great that you are staying as long as you can. That's why the divorce rate is so high. Everyone gets bored and they move on. Marriage isn't intended to be that way. It's also very common for marriages to go through the hills and valleys. That is how most relationships work and it's no different for a marriage. It's probably even more so for a marriage because this is for life. Look at most friendships - they are usually temporary. People get tired of a friend, they just move on. No long 'divorce' has to take place.

It's not all going to be love and romance. That's fantasy, not reality. We all change and when one person changes in the relationship then it's only realistic that the other person will have to adjust.

I feel this way a little in my marriage right now, but I'm trying to be realistic too by bringing down my expectations and realizing that we're both changing and we are in an adjustment phase right now. Would it be easier to just end it, maybe...but then what, we go through a divorce, move on to a new person and in 10 years be back in the same situation...then divorce again....etc etc.

I've noticed some couples that are in their 60s and married 30-40+ years. They don't really look all lovey dovey to me at all. There's one couple in this category that even seem strained when they hug each other. But I bet they love each other deep inside.

Thank you for your post.......I bet this is more common than we realize.

Coming from a mom and dad that did this, I swore I would NEVER do this because it is not right to have your child grow up where their mommy and daddy did not love eachother and show affection (physical like kissing/hugging) to eachother. I wanted my children to know what it looks and feels like to have their parents love eachother.

However, I am in the same situation you are.....and I cannot believe I am living the life I swore I wouldn't. I still don't think it is right....but it is what works right now.

I read a few of the responses and didnt see the one I'm about to post. I fiercely believe you deserve to be loved in the way that is right for you... not just for your happiness, the consequence of not doing that is your child will learn and adopt what you & your husband model about relationships/adult love. People fall in and out of love all of the time. Have you tried counseling?

Good luck!!!

I'm not in that situation and I don't know anyone who is, so I don't have any anecdotal information to share. Just a question.

my question is what if one of you changes your mind, what then?

I think your current choice is very loving for your son.

best wishes in your path-

Call me a romantic (I know I have probably watched way too many romantic movies in my time), but it seems like there is hope for you and your husband. You have all the makings of a good marriage. You are in agreement with your situation, you don't fight often and you have a mutual love for your son. So, when you say you have fallen out of love, what do you mean? Not interested in sex? Not attracted to each other? Not interested in the same activities?

I am by no means judging you because only you know what is right and wrong for your family. I am just wondering if you and your husband have more in common than you think?

Whether or not you stay together, live together, separate, the most important thing is that your child knows that he's loved. It sounds like you and your husband will make sure that happens.

Just remember though, you and your husband deserve to be loved too....

Good for you! Good for you for living a life that simply works for you. I think we are all too often trying to conform or feel guilty when the mold just doesn't fit.
I am in a happy marriage, however totally get the focus being on the child versus the romance and need for companionship. I have 4 children, my youngest is 3. Being a parent at my age now (42) versus my early 20's the focus is far different and my priorities are. You and your "husfriend" have got your priorities right and it may not be typical but works.
I do have a very close relationship with my exhusband (father of my first 3) and we all spend every holiday and vacation together. Life is about the children forever. You have a very nice start on understanding that this is your life long journey with your beautiful little child. You two are lucky to have such a strong common bond and commitment.
Take care, enjoy and when the times get tough, they're tough for even the loving marriages as I am sure you recall when you were lovey dovey. When the times turn, if they do, and you find yourselves needing a different situation I am certain that with this strong foundation (a united front) you will handle that with your priorities just as focused and centered.

Thank you for sharing your story :)

I just want to say I think you are doing a great thing! You are putting your sons needs before your own and that's fantastic!! And who knows, after years of putting on the "act" it may become reality again. Good luck!

It sounds like you still care about each other and have a common belief system when it comes to raising your son. I wonder if enough time goes by if that "romantic love" will just come back. If you used to love each other enough and have no reason to hate each other, i wonder if you just need some time....maybe even a fun vacation. As far as sex goes, there are plenty of people who still love one another, but don't have sex. VERY old people are in fact...simply friends. That just sounds like what you are right now.

I am somewhat in the same boat, although we have chosen to go the very friendly divorce route.

At the moment we are still living in the same house but I expect that to change soon-ish.

I/we decided that we'd rather have a friendly divorce than for our son to grow up seeing a loveless marraige. Just because I'm not sure about "happily ever after" I don't want my son to grow up that way.

I still want him to believe in true love and forever and all that gooey lovey dovey stuff. I don't want him to think that marrige is just friendship.

Also like others said, what if things change. You're friendly now, but what if hubby meets someone else?

I do feel silly saying that we got divorced no before things got really bad, but the mediation process has been a breeze and so far everybody seems happy!

Well, I'm wondering: How about you two still stay together as friends and raise your child together, but still get divorced (possibly even still live together)? Why do I think that? Because marriage is all about love, yes, there are other things about marriage, but it's all based on love- I'd want my child to know that, personally. I wouldn't want any of my four daughters marrying someone who they weren't madly in love with (I personally would not care if their husbands barely had any money...). Also, someone did point out the "need" for sex in men. If you are not married, it would make things easier IF you or your husband are interested in someone else.

There are ALL different kinds of families out there. It sounds like you guys are doing a great job. You can't force love for each other, but it is a shame that it is gone. BUT STILL, anyone here that is being negative, needs to open their minds about all the different kinds of families- and some of the BEST kinds have TWO parents working TOGETHER. Good for you guys on that... but I'd still consider the divorce, just on paper...

My parents stayed together in a loveless marriage for this reason. Growing up I did sometimes feel like I was responsible for my mom's happiness. Looking back I think this was because she never had her own hobbies or interests outside of the house. I grew up with the security of both parents in the house but it my parents never did thing together. It was always the kids doing something with one parent.

Even if you and your husband are no longer IN love as long as you have a friendship and do things together as a family I think that your son will be better off. Living this way means putting your son's needs first and is one of the most selfless things a parent can do. Those who say they would not stay in a loveless marriage because it is not in the best interest of the child is really just putting their own needs first.

Although my family situation could have been better I am thankful that my parents stayed together and gave me a secure environment to grow up in. I admire my parent's strength and appreciate their sacrifice.

I don't really have any advice for you but I commend you for what you are doing. As long as you are being honest with each other and yourself. I would only be cautios as to what would happen should either of you decided this was not right. But remember where you are now in keeping the best interest of your son. This is a very selfless act.

It sounds like you could both make things work and become romantically involved and in love with each other again. It takes a little work, but there may come a time when one or the other will want some sort of relationship either with each other, or someone else.

I agree with another poster, children pick up on things like this, perhaps not now at the age of 3, but eventually. It's important for children to see their parents cuddling and being together... it helps to teach them how to be that nurturing and romantic person with their loved one.

In any case, the actress Tilda Swinton lives with her ex-husband for the sake of their child, (or at least they used to, not sure now). However, they both are also in relationships with others.

Hmmm...I'm not sure many people stay in situations like yours. They either make it better, or leave. I know I wouldn't want my son growing up thinking this was the way a relationship should be. I wouldn't want him to think it's healthy. I mean you can pretend, but it's not even close to healthy. It might "feel" right, but I wonder if your son will ever have a good, real relationship with a significant other. And if it doesn't work...and crashes and burns...then he'll know it was all for him. Sad.

Interesting indeed.

Love this...

"haters and judgmental ones no need to respond"

Follow your heart.

Read this book. Things will change. http://www.google.com/products/catalog?client=safari&...

I think that's a great idea. Good for you guys for being able to make it work out.

If you are kind and friendly to each other, then I don't believe your son "sees it" as per a post below. What more is he supposed to know -- about your lack of a sex life?

I've actually known a few people in your situation. It can be great if you make sure you keep the friendly part of your relationship working. I did know one family who was staying together for their kids but refused to speak to each other. That was horrible for their kids. Staying in a state of co habitation with someone you love and trust is just fine. You don't have to have romance to show your son what a good respectful relationship looks like. Not being in love doesn't mean that you don't appreciate the security you give one another and the foundation you build for your son. What I think is sad is parents who have been living separate lives in one home but put on a 'show' for their kids. The kids get older and realize that the parents are unhappy and will feel some responsibility for that and they won't get the example of a real relationship. I'm not saying that you should tell your 3 year old 'mommy and daddy don't have sex anymore'! But making sure you aren't trying to make your relationship appear to be something it isn't is important if you want it to work. The other thing to consider is the number of people who are doing exactly what you are but not really talking about it. Partners who choose to work together and are satisfied not running out and dating (I did have friends who did this....weird!) are everywhere we just don't always know. I think it's awesome that your marriage may have fizzled but you are still committed to your family. Staying together when you resent each other never works but it you don't have that resentment I say you are in a very fortunate situation.

Hello, For the time being, your situation is working. You have to do what feels right for you, your husband and son. It doesn't matter what other people think.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

My parents did/do this, we are grown and they still do. It makes M. very sad to see neither of them in love or happy. It put pressure on the kids to become your sole reason for happiness. You can;t only have one source of life and enjoyment. I often tlak to my mom and try and encourage her to find love. Also this has made her feelings towards love and happiness less than ideal and her advice and role model attributes in this sense lack majorly...shes the best mom I could ask for, so I want her happy..I wish she would find happiness and stop putting other first or being afraid to venture out there! To each their own, I don;t judge you at all , I commend you, but also think that if you wnant your child to mimic what you're doing its fine, if you want better for him/her then you have to show him/her, show him how you can recover either the love for eachother or be strong and move on peacefully and still coparent together.
for M. therewere to many factors (cheating, lies...), I'm divorcing and I am ok with my daughter seeing that, I am ok, b/c we will coparent together happily, we have a mediator when theres issues to work on things with regarding her so she will she 2 people that love her, possibly someday 2 more added to the picture and half brothers and sister, the way I figure it is, the more people she loves and loves her the better! I hope she can be strong and do what makes her happy in the future, and live life to its fullest! I hope she never settles for what seems rights, because what makes you happy you can always make right for you and the people you love...I want her to live, kiss in the rain, jump in pudles and smile at the world....I want her to be able to conquer hardships and I hope i can show her that! I wish you luck in whatever you decide!